toffeecream77 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Haven't spoken to my ex in a month or so. He dumped me because he said he didn't feel the way he should and he felt it was too big of a committment to move country with me for a new job. Even tho, it would have benefited him greatly too. It was a tough break up. Since then, I moved and started the new job. He also moved back home. Don't think he's found a job or any opportunities. The other day, he sent a message asking how I am. We exchange a few nice emails, but then I got mad because he started talking about money and I felt his nice messages were just to get cash out of me. But he said no, that he's been hurting about things and that's why he messaged, also because he cares and wanted to know how I am. I replied saying how he shouldn't be thinking or hurting because I am ok, happiest I've been in years (true) and that I was seeing somebody new (well, a few dates). I told him to concentrate on his life, his future and that maybe we could be friends in the future. Now I feel terrible....even though I shouldn't. I guess he's missing me? Or just feeling guilty? I don't know what he has to hurt about - he dumped me. I seem to be moving on better than him. Your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Let the past be the past. Delete, block, forget. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 "No Contact" is there for a purpose. I would respectfully suggest you implement it. You see, all this - But he said ....that he's been hurting about things and that's why he messaged, also because he cares and wanted to know how I am. is Bovine Scatology. What he really MEANT was - "I'm hurt you apparently don't think of me, want me back or miss me, and I care about my image in your mind, and I want to know whether you really can live without me." It was an ego trip, a means of boosting his own sense of importance in your eyes. In brief - "Do you still think about me?" Block, delete, ignore, No Contact. Best thing all round, really..... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 "No Contact" is there for a purpose. I would respectfully suggest you implement it. You see, all this - is Bovine Scatology. What he really MEANT was - "I'm hurt you apparently don't think of me, want me back or miss me, and I care about my image in your mind, and I want to know whether you really can live without me." It was an ego trip, a means of boosting his own sense of importance in your eyes. In brief - "Do you still think about me?" Block, delete, ignore, No Contact. Best thing all round, really..... I don't think it's his ego. I think he's just missing my company, emotional support etc. Also, he's a bit depressive and things aren't going well for him. But if that is the case, then my reply would have kicked him back to reality. I wasn't harsh, but I was very blunt when I told him I couldn't be happier, that I haven't thought about him or what happened for a month and that he should concentrate on his life. Also, the bit about me seeing somebody new must have hurt him. I just can't tell if he's starting to regret things. Not that it would make much difference. Yes, I love him, but things have moved beyond that stage now. I'm just wondering.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Let the past be the past. Delete, block, forget. It is the past for me. I've been moving on rather well. New job, new house, dating etc. I did not expect to hear from him, really, and it took me a few days to reply to him because I was not keen on getting into an exchange. As I told him, we can be friends in the future, but it will take time. I just wonder if this was his way of reaching out, testing the waters... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I don't think it's his ego. I think he's just missing my company, emotional support etc. Also, he's a bit depressive and things aren't going well for him. I don't need to tell you do I, that this isn't your problem...? When people decide on certain actions, the consequences are for them to process. You have no responsibility towards him at all... I just can't tell if he's starting to regret things. Again, nothing for you to deal with, or in fact, need have any concern about.... Not that it would make much difference. Yes, I love him, but things have moved beyond that stage now. Good. Delete, Block, Ignore. I'm just wondering.... Well then in part of his intention, he has succeeded. He's got you thinking about him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I don't think it's his ego. I think he's just missing my company, emotional support etc. Also, he's a bit depressive and things aren't going well for him. It's all about the ego. He may be all those things but at the end of the day it was about his ego. Hurt because you're with someone else? That's ego talking. If it was love he would still be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I told him I didn't want to hear from him again, I couldn't be friends with somebody like him etc....he replied saying he is shocked at my message, the bills mean nothing to him and that's not why he emailed me. I'm very sad now. And he must be hurting at all the things I said. I'm a human being, so of course I'm going to care Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Now I feel terrible.... .. And rest assured that he knows very well this tendency you have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Now I don't know if I want him back If I do, I ruined it by telling him not to contact me and that I am seeing somebody else Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Now I feel guilty. I shouldn't tho. Link to post Share on other sites
Kinetica84 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Now I feel guilty. I shouldn't tho. For the best i would say. I've never managed to stay friends with ex's and in a way i am glad. How did you guys break up? Link to post Share on other sites
myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 If your ex broke up with you, and you are hurting, you definitely don't need to be friends. You must move on! YOU GO GIRL OR BOY! (Idk your gender) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I've never been the type to remain friends with past lovers but I really convinced myself that I could with my ex. I realize now that I only felt that way because I wasn't 100% over him and now that I am 100% over him...it matters not to me that we'll never talk to each other or see each other again. You haven't reached the point of indifference yet but when you do, you won't feel bad about de-friending your ex. It is honestly the only (emotionally healthy) way to get on with your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Thank God. It's about time. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Now I feel guilty. I shouldn't tho. Guilty of depriving that person of your friendship? Don't worry, if the ex broke up with you, the ex will get over it. If it was the other way around, well, it couldn't be avoided. Sally Forth in good conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 There's no friends position when you still have more feelings underlying. You did good! Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 There is no friends whatsoever. You are not an acquaintances even. You are failed romantic partners. There is only void beyond that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kinetica84 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Haven't spoken to my ex in a month or so. He dumped me because he said he didn't feel the way he should and he felt it was too big of a committment to move country with me for a new job. Even tho, it would have benefited him greatly too. It was a tough break up. Since then, I moved and started the new job. He also moved back home. Don't think he's found a job or any opportunities. The other day, he sent a message asking how I am. We exchange a few nice emails, but then I got mad because he started talking about money and I felt his nice messages were just to get cash out of me. But he said no, that he's been hurting about things and that's why he messaged, also because he cares and wanted to know how I am. I replied saying how he shouldn't be thinking or hurting because I am ok, happiest I've been in years (true) and that I was seeing somebody new (well, a few dates). I told him to concentrate on his life, his future and that maybe we could be friends in the future. Now I feel terrible....even though I shouldn't. I guess he's missing me? Or just feeling guilty? I don't know what he has to hurt about - he dumped me. I seem to be moving on better than him. Your thoughts? I think feeling terrible suggests you still have feelings for him and may be you be single for a bit. At the very least you should cut contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Now I feel guilty. I shouldn't tho. That's typical people pleasing behavior. You are so worried about hurting someone else's feelings that you are unable to implement healthy boundaries. You end up sacrificing your own feelings. Now would be a good time to begin implementing healthy boundaries and trying to let go of the guilt you are associating with looking out for your feelings. Good for you that you refused the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Thanks so much for all your comments and support, guys! Really helps! I'm fairly settled in my new job, moving into a new flat in a few days. Hopefully I can rebuild my life once again. I didn't think about him much the first 1.5 months after I moved countries (to where I am now), but I've been thinking about him in the last couple of weeks, especially on the weekends, and right now. For the first time since the break up, I'm properly missing him. I guess it's all catching up with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Kinetica84 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Thanks so much for all your comments and support, guys! Really helps! I'm fairly settled in my new job, moving into a new flat in a few days. Hopefully I can rebuild my life once again. I didn't think about him much the first 1.5 months after I moved countries (to where I am now), but I've been thinking about him in the last couple of weeks, especially on the weekends, and right now. For the first time since the break up, I'm properly missing him. I guess it's all catching up with me? What you are describing. You're bang on schedule post break up lol. It is a normal part of the process. As you start to figure out life without him you start to look through rose tinted glasses and you only remember the good times. You guys broke up for a reason and chances are it was a good reason. Keep that in mind every time you miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 He never replied to my message. Didn't expect him to. Instead, he has no full time work and goes on fun weekend trips. He'll be volunteering in a shop later this year. He's basically doing nothing, not advancing in his life at all. Just acting like a 20 year old on a gap year, not the 30 year old he is. And he picked this, over moving to a big, exciting city with me where he had a million opportunities. He could have been doing something with his life. Adds to the hurt. He had nothing to lose by coming here with me. And guess what? He will be moving to this city after all! From september, for a course. Part of me thinks that's why he was so keen to stay in touch, so perhaps we could reunite when he comes over (during the break up, he did keep talking about how many couples reunited months down the line). But I would never, ever go back. I'm busy 90% of the time, but days like today, I am missing him and I hate it. He didn't give me anything, it wasn't even a proper relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 A couple of weeks ago, he clarified something that he said in an email at the start of the new year. He said he is still hurting because I was hurt and he cared a lot about me and still does. For a while I thought he just felt sorry for me, felt guilty. That's right, right? But I really got it across that he shouldn't feel hurt at all because everything worked out for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toffeecream77 Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 One of my friends saw my ex. She told him she was angry at him and he replied he's still hurting about everything. He said this again, to her, despite me telling him in a few emails that he had nothing to hurt about (he said everything hurts him, esp because I was hurt) because the break up was for the best, I am doing great, I am not hurting and that ever since I left the country we were both living in, I hadn't thought about him or the break up. I even told him I was dating someone new. And yet he still told my friend he is hurting. What the hell does he have to hurt about?? No idea why this is getting to me so much! Link to post Share on other sites
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