She broke with me because of her past

[Dondon]

Hello! I'm new to this forum. I'm still totally down and confused and i need some help to try to accept all this.

 

So me and my gf were together for 2 years and we broke up two weeks ago. After few months (i was her first serious bf) she told me that she was sexually abused by her relative 10 years ago (it happened once). I was shocked at first but then i told her that it wasn't her fault and that it doesn't change how i see her and how i feel about her. I read a lot of forums about that problem and how to handle all this, because i really liked her and wanted to help her. And everything was really great between us. We were very much in love, we spent a lot of time together (she lives 500m away from me), we were simply enjoying each other. Those two years were the best part of my life and hers too (she said herself).

 

But around 3 weeks ago everything changed. She told me that those feelings and demons from her past are coming back to her. After a long talk she confessed that she didn't tell me everything. She told me that she's very afraid of that guy who touched her and for some reason she's very afraid of her father. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her mother so she sees him really when she's almost forced to (holidays and birthdays). And than she told me that a weak or two before that she started having same feelings towards me. Not all ~14 days but that there were 3 or 4 days in between, when she was also afraid of me, well afraid of me touching her.

 

I guess there was a trigger or something, which made her remember. Now i always treated her really well because i really cared about her. I never did anything she didn't like, i never forced her to do something she didn't want. I was always giving her control in intimate moments (sex and stuff) so she wouldn't have to go through something similar to her past.

 

Well we talked a lot about that, i told her that i really want to help her (as i was doing since the beginning) and i will give her all the time she needs. She looked relieved and she told me she loves me. It was ok for few days, but than it happened again. She told me she can't be with me for this reason, although she still really loves me. I again tried telling her that we can take things slow, that we can try to talk to someone, but she didn't want to because she wants to go through this alone with her friends. I guess she thinks it will be better if she's not with me.

 

All i wanted was to help her and be there to offer support when she needed it. I advised that she/we tell her mother and the rest of the family (no one knows but me). I advised that she seeks help or that maybe we go together. That i will give her all the time she needs and that we can take it slow, without any physical contact, unless initiated by her.

 

We really had wonderful 2 years and i know that she was really happy. Even her mother, brother and friends told me that they didn't see her that happy. But than she gives up and pushes me away after few days without even trying? I'm sad, disappointed, depressed, hurt and really confused. I can't sleep at night, I can't help but think about her and why would she give up that quickly? I know it's extremely hard for her, but 2 wonderful years before that could help her?

 

I guess i thought that since i was the first person, she decided to tell everything, that she turned to me for help. Because she trusted me, she believed in me (us) and she loved me. She said all that before and during our break up. She said she has everything she ever wanted, but still has to go through this alone.

 

I really don't know how to process all this. I'm trying to accept it but it's really hard. I understand that there is nothing more i could do and that it's her decision and that's why it hurts so much. I really, really love her so i decided to respect her decision and i went NC after the break up. But everyday i want to contact her, to check if she's doing okay, if she decided to seek some help.

 

I'm doing what i can to get through this. I'm going out with friends, i started going to the gym. I'm doing things to get all this out of my mind but there comes part of the day when i just sit there and think about all this. And the worst part is, that i always remember that a girl of my dreams, who felt the same toward me, left me because she was afraid of me..

 

So an advice on how to accept all this, so i won't blame myself anymore, and move on?

[Peachy88]

Wow, so sorry to hear this.

But i really think you did everything you can to help her.. She needs professional help as you suggested.

I can't imagine how she must feel of course but I think that to be able to love she has to overcome her fears. This is really not your fault at all. I don't think she's afraid because of you, but because of the situation.

I really hope you can work it out, but i think you need to be a friend for her instead of a lover as long as she hasn't found any help herself..

[Dondon]

Well i think so too and that's why it's so hard for me. You do everything you can for the love of your life and she pushes you away without even trying to save the relationship.

 

I know she needs help and i was prepared to be there with her and for her. To be there when she needs someone to talk to, when she needs a hug.

 

I also think that the reason she's afraid is because of what happened to her in the past and i'm in all this because i'm a the only man she was intimate with. And that's one of the reasons why i think we could make it work.

 

On the other hand i saw a friend yesterday and she told me she saw my ex with a new guy two times in the last week. In a gym and walking outside. She also said that it looked like there could be something going on. I didn't really want to know that, but i didn't stop her early enough.

 

So maybe all she told me was a lie (not the abuse when she was a child, but "i love you, i believe in us and i want to be with you, but i can't because i'm afraid" part) and she just used it as an excuse to end things with me.

 

Oh well i guess i'm back to square 1 and i thought i was doing much better after 17 days NC.

[coolheadal]

There isn't much you can do about what happen to her in the past. But it seems very serious for her now to be afraid of you as well. So there is a mental trauma going on here with her. But really not about you for say it's how she feels with all men that get to close to her and touch her. So she can't be touch in a certain way so that means hands off her. But you didn't know about this until it was to late. So in her mind now sees you has a threat or attacker from the past who touched and abused her.

 

But now she's switched you off and gone with another guy you said in your second post here. So that means she's drop you and gone for another guy until he does the same thing you did, it will happen again. She'll drop him and keep on moving on. Best you just move on and find someone without these mental issues. You can't change her because something happen to her in the past will always be there in her mind. She would have to be hypnotize not to think or remember that part of her live. But doing so might cause other mental problems to appear.

Edited December 31, 2014 by coolheadal

[Diezel]

Without reading responses here, I've come to 2 conclusions as to why you should move on:

 

#1 She needs professional help.

#2 There is someone else and new in her life and she is using her past as an excuse.

 

If #2 is true, then you dodged a major bullet because a woman who is willing to use sexual abuse as an excuse to break up with someone, is deeply troubled and you need to let that go.

 

She is definitely not right for you. That's new guy's problem now.

[SycamoreCircle]

She lied to you.

 

That stuff about her past, even if it is based in truth, was used as an excuse to dump you for another guy.

 

She was involved, if at the very least emotionally, with that guy while she was still seeing you.

 

You got played.

 

She does not respect you. Do not respect her. Get angry for being lied to, manipulated and cheated. Grieve. Enact a firm stance of NC. Heal. Move on.

 

This is your only choice. She took away all other choices.

[Invictus01]

Dude, tough to see it like this right now, but you probably dodged a bullet here. You really don't want to be involved with somebody with really screwed up past or emotional and mental issues. In the end, YOU will go insane trying to fix them.

[Dondon]

Thanks for all replies. After some thinking i must say i agree with all of you. Today i found out who was she with. I was out with some friends i haven't seen for few weeks and one of them told me, before i could tell them that we broke up. I remembered that she added him on fb few days before break up and talked to him. Of course they could still be just friends. I know she said before BU that she found 3 friends (2F,1M) who have/had similar problems as her and she was talking to them. At the time i was glad she found someone to talk to, but i should have known.

 

I guess this really changes everything. For 2-3 weeks i felt sorry for her that she has to go through all that, but now it just hit me. She lied to me and manipulated me. And what is more, she lied about loving me, caring about me and wanting to be with me, when she was already talking to that guy. I will find out sooner or later, because we live in a really small town and you can't hide things like that.

 

I believe this will make things easier for me. Of course i will be angry with her for some time but it will be easier to forget her in time. I just hope this won't affect me trusting other women and opening to them again. In my first relationship my ex also cheated on me and in the next 3 years i just couldn't let them close to me because i was afraid it would happen again.

 

So NC all the way, i have no intention on speaking to her again. I was quite lucky that i haven't seen her in the past 3 weeks. It's a small town with few bars so we'll definitely see each other. I just don't know how to handle all this. Should i say "hi, hello" or something, or just ignore her? Will ignoring her make me a bad person?

 

Anyway i'm off to celebrate NYE. 6 more hours here in Europe. Happy new year, everyone

Edited December 31, 2014 by Dondon

[Diezel]

When you've come to the point of indifference, you can casually say HELLO.

[Dondon]

Hey. I'm back with an update. It's exactly 31 days since my BU and 30 days since i went NC. I'm better than i was in the first 2 weeks, but it still hurts.

 

I thought it would be harder but i have no problem keeping NC for now. Probably because i know there is no chance of us getting back together and i really want to move on with my life. I'm going to the gym with a friend, i'm going out with my friends, i'm reading books and watching tv series. I'm really keeping myself busy as possible so i don't think about her. But this is the hard part and i still think about her every day for quite some time. In the morning when i wake up, she's the first thing on my mind and the first thing i miss next to me. Same story when i go to sleep. Through the day when i'm at work or at home alone with nothing to do, i'm thinking about her and how could she do this to me.

 

I really want to get past this but i just don't see how, when she's always on my mind. I'm telling myself that she doesn't deserve me, that she's not capable of having a relationship, that she hurt me and it's ok for a few minutes but than i'm back to thinking about her.

 

I would be really helpful for some advice and words of encouragement to try and move one from this nightmare. This last month was he worst in my life. I now it's only a month since BU and that i will need a lot more time.

[Zahara]

The thinking about her is very normal. Going to bed at night, waking up, spurts throughout the day -- all part and parcel of getting over an ending. It took me quite a few months to one day realize that he wasn't on my mind every single morning. It's going to take a bit more time for you to start getting over that hurdle. Otherwise, you are doing great!

[batt]

I dated someone very similar, except she wasn't able to have a LTR. She was always depressed no matter how much I tried to bring her up. She toyed with my emotions. She dumped me out of nowhere and without warning. Now I'm left with thinking what happened and no answers.

[Dondon]

The thinking about her is very normal. Going to bed at night, waking up, spurts throughout the day -- all part and parcel of getting over an ending. It took me quite a few months to one day realize that he wasn't on my mind every single morning. It's going to take a bit more time for you to start getting over that hurdle. Otherwise, you are doing great!

 

I know it's normal, but it's just too much. And after some time i become sad and depressed because i still don't know what was really the reason for BU. I just can't understand how can "i love you" change into "get out of my life" in few days. It hurts too much.

 

I dated someone very similar, except she wasn't able to have a LTR. She was always depressed no matter how much I tried to bring her up. She toyed with my emotions. She dumped me out of nowhere and without warning. Now I'm left with thinking what happened and no answers.

 

I know how you feel. You do everything you can for them and they just throw you away like a piece of trash. Oh well..

[Zahara]

I know it's normal, but it's just too much. And after some time i become sad and depressed because i still don't know what was really the reason for BU. I just can't understand how can "i love you" change into "get out of my life" in few days. It hurts too much.

 

You'll never know the reason for the BU. People change. Feelings change. Nothing is absolute.

 

She didn't change her feelings within days. Dumpers go through their own process of detachment. She was thinking about ending a long time ago. And when you hear I love you today and I'm done with you tomorrow -- it's just them going through the motions until the time comes when they're ready to be done. For them it was never sudden, because it's been on their mind. Thinking, preparing, wondering, planning, etc.

[Dondon]

I guess you're right. I probably won't know the real reason for BU, but in the first 2 weeks after BU i did some thinking and analyzing (i'm sure every dumpee did the same) and with additional help from replies in this thread i came up with two scenarios.

 

 

1) She's (too) young (21) and not ready for a serious relationship (all tough 2 years together is something). In october she went to college and she also moved to that city 30km from her home (we saw each other 1-2x during the week and at the weekend when she returned home. All of her girl friends are single and they can go out having all the fun (with men) and partying with nothing to hold them back.

 

2) She found another guy.

 

Well i will find out sooner or later because it's impossible not to since we live in a city of 5000 people.

 

I'm almost sure, that her past abuse is a factor in this BU (she wouldn't lie about that), but not big enough for BU alone. I know her and she would fight till the end for us, if that would be the only reason. I guess she thought it would be easier and better for her not telling the main reason.

 

I really thought she was the one. I mean we had 2 amazing years. We were happy and enjoying our life. She was always so happy when i brought her flowers (which she loved), homemade gifts, romantic dinners with candles, sunday trips, long talks till 3am. I mean 2 months before BU we went to Paris for a week (our 2 year anniversary) and it was the only thing she talked about for two weeks after we came back. In all the time we were together there wasn't one moment i would even think that this could happen.

 

Love is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it can be just too cruel.

[bigtrouble]

Love is mystery, just keep healing its difficult when you lose the girl you want most, and sad thing is there is nothing you can do to get her back except NC heal yourself.

[Dondon]

After a few good and productive days i had a dream about her last night. She came to my house, she was crying and asking for forgivness. I hugged her and we talked for hours and then she asked if there is any chance for us to be together again. And than i woke up and i just felt awful. I was sweating and breathing heavily, i had tears in my eyes. I just couldn't believe it.

 

And of course i'm a wreck today. It's raining outside so that's not helpful either. I'm just thinking about her all day long and i really don't know what to do. I tried reading a book, but couldn't concentrate.

 

I don't understand why is this so hard. I was doing so much better this last 2 weeks and then one stupid dream destroyed everything and ifeel like i'm back at the beginning. I hope i will be better tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

 

I also realized that even though i know there is no chance for us to be together again, deep down i still believe and hope she will come back.

[Dondon]

Just a quick update. I'm on my 45th day of NC and it's slowly getting better. I realized i'm not thinking about her so often as i did in the beginning although i still think about her every day.

 

Yesterday i had a setback when i saw her outside with that guy i mentioned in my second post here and our mutual friend confirmed that something is going on between them. (small town so we'll see each other) So now i know for sure that she manipulated me, lied to me and emotionally cheated on me.

 

I got really angry and upset and i wanted to send her a text, telling her what was on my mind. But luckily i kept my cool and told myself that she doesn't deserve anything from me anymore. NOTHING. I also got the courage to finally block her on FB (she was unfollowed before). It was a strange feeling when i did it, but now i feel relieved.

 

I really hope that this was a big step in healing for me. Whenever i start thinking about her, i try to focus on negative things about her. I made a list and saved it on my computer and phone. I know it's going to take me a bit more time to get over her, but i'm really looking forward to the day when i simply won't care about her anymore. The day when she will be a stranger, just like she was before i met her.

[Kinetica84]

Hello! I'm new to this forum. I'm still totally down and confused and i need some help to try to accept all this.

 

So me and my gf were together for 2 years and we broke up two weeks ago. After few months (i was her first serious bf) she told me that she was sexually abused by her relative 10 years ago (it happened once). I was shocked at first but then i told her that it wasn't her fault and that it doesn't change how i see her and how i feel about her. I read a lot of forums about that problem and how to handle all this, because i really liked her and wanted to help her. And everything was really great between us. We were very much in love, we spent a lot of time together (she lives 500m away from me), we were simply enjoying each other. Those two years were the best part of my life and hers too (she said herself).

 

But around 3 weeks ago everything changed. She told me that those feelings and demons from her past are coming back to her. After a long talk she confessed that she didn't tell me everything. She told me that she's very afraid of that guy who touched her and for some reason she's very afraid of her father. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her mother so she sees him really when she's almost forced to (holidays and birthdays). And than she told me that a weak or two before that she started having same feelings towards me. Not all ~14 days but that there were 3 or 4 days in between, when she was also afraid of me, well afraid of me touching her.

 

I guess there was a trigger or something, which made her remember. Now i always treated her really well because i really cared about her. I never did anything she didn't like, i never forced her to do something she didn't want. I was always giving her control in intimate moments (sex and stuff) so she wouldn't have to go through something similar to her past.

 

Well we talked a lot about that, i told her that i really want to help her (as i was doing since the beginning) and i will give her all the time she needs. She looked relieved and she told me she loves me. It was ok for few days, but than it happened again. She told me she can't be with me for this reason, although she still really loves me. I again tried telling her that we can take things slow, that we can try to talk to someone, but she didn't want to because she wants to go through this alone with her friends. I guess she thinks it will be better if she's not with me.

 

All i wanted was to help her and be there to offer support when she needed it. I advised that she/we tell her mother and the rest of the family (no one knows but me). I advised that she seeks help or that maybe we go together. That i will give her all the time she needs and that we can take it slow, without any physical contact, unless initiated by her.

 

We really had wonderful 2 years and i know that she was really happy. Even her mother, brother and friends told me that they didn't see her that happy. But than she gives up and pushes me away after few days without even trying? I'm sad, disappointed, depressed, hurt and really confused. I can't sleep at night, I can't help but think about her and why would she give up that quickly? I know it's extremely hard for her, but 2 wonderful years before that could help her?

 

I guess i thought that since i was the first person, she decided to tell everything, that she turned to me for help. Because she trusted me, she believed in me (us) and she loved me. She said all that before and during our break up. She said she has everything she ever wanted, but still has to go through this alone.

 

I really don't know how to process all this. I'm trying to accept it but it's really hard. I understand that there is nothing more i could do and that it's her decision and that's why it hurts so much. I really, really love her so i decided to respect her decision and i went NC after the break up. But everyday i want to contact her, to check if she's doing okay, if she decided to seek some help.

 

I'm doing what i can to get through this. I'm going out with friends, i started going to the gym. I'm doing things to get all this out of my mind but there comes part of the day when i just sit there and think about all this. And the worst part is, that i always remember that a girl of my dreams, who felt the same toward me, left me because she was afraid of me..

 

So an advice on how to accept all this, so i won't blame myself anymore, and move on?

 

I am sorry to hear this bud.

 

In my experience, when a girl is not fighting for your relationship, no matter the reason it normally means they have emotionally checked out. This is not good.

 

I think you are very much fighting a losing battle buddy. Nothing you do or say is going to make one bit of difference. She has to sort her shiz out and it could take a long time.

 

As much as it hurts, i would walk away. Tell her you're there if she wants to talk but tell her you can't waste your time on her anymore.

 

You have to put yourself first sometimes. I know you're hurting inside but you can control what you can control. You have to accept you have no control over her.

[Dondon]

I know there is no chance of us getting back together. If you read all my posts in this thread you will see that i went NC one day after BU and i'm still keeping it. In the meantime i found out that she manipulated me, lied to me and emotionally cheated on me with a guy she met one week before BU. I think she used her past as a reason for BU, because it makes her look better.

 

I have no intention of talking to her again. I just want to heal, forget and move forward. I consider myself a really good person, caring and loving partner. I would never hurt my loved ones and my friends. If she didn't appreciate all this it's her loss. It wasn't just roses and butterflies anymore like in the beginning, so she gave up and left after the first bump. Because she had that guy lined up. I guess she wanted to make life easier on herself. If she stayed with me, she would have to fight for our RS. Maybe one day, when she pulls herself together she will recognize what she had. Or not, i don't really care.

 

I think i'm doing okay though, i just wish i wouldn't think about her every day. That's the toughest part for me.

 

I will start reading "No more Mr. nice guy" tomorrow. I think i could find some answers about myself in there.

[Deidre]

You're doing great, but be mindful that she may try to contact you a month or two down the road...when things don't work out with the new guy. That's how these things tend to go...these users will come back, after you have healed...or think you have healed to try to get you back into their games. So, stay strong. Even if six months passes, stay NC...because truly, the same thing will play out again if you take her back. Glad to see you're sticking with it so far, excellent!

[Kinetica84]

I know there is no chance of us getting back together. If you read all my posts in this thread you will see that i went NC one day after BU and i'm still keeping it. In the meantime i found out that she manipulated me, lied to me and emotionally cheated on me with a guy she met one week before BU. I think she used her past as a reason for BU, because it makes her look better.

 

I have no intention of talking to her again. I just want to heal, forget and move forward. I consider myself a really good person, caring and loving partner. I would never hurt my loved ones and my friends. If she didn't appreciate all this it's her loss. It wasn't just roses and butterflies anymore like in the beginning, so she gave up and left after the first bump. Because she had that guy lined up. I guess she wanted to make life easier on herself. If she stayed with me, she would have to fight for our RS. Maybe one day, when she pulls herself together she will recognize what she had. Or not, i don't really care.

 

I think i'm doing okay though, i just wish i wouldn't think about her every day. That's the toughest part for me.

 

I will start reading "No more Mr. nice guy" tomorrow. I think i could find some answers about myself in there.

 

Ahhhh sorry man.

 

In the same boat. 3 year relationship, moved in planning a family and she cheated.

 

Go read my thread missing my ex after 3 months. You will see how I went from suspecting her to finding out. I sent her an email telling her what I think which I posted in the thread. She already had another guy lined up.

[Dondon]

You're doing great, but be mindful that she may try to contact you a month or two down the road...when things don't work out with the new guy. That's how these things tend to go...these users will come back, after you have healed...or think you have healed to try to get you back into their games. So, stay strong. Even if six months passes, stay NC...because truly, the same thing will play out again if you take her back. Glad to see you're sticking with it so far, excellent!

 

To tell you the truth i don't think she will. She's very shy and i think she is really afraid of getting hurt again, like she did in her childhood. I got a feeling she's living a life, where everything must be great, otherwise she just moves on. And it's not hard for her to move on, because she always has a few guys chasing her, contacting her on fb and stuff.

 

This last thing started to bother me. Strange guys were adding her on FB and started chatting to her, complimenting her looks, her ass and stuff. It was creepy for me and i'm a guy, but she was just thankful and continue talking to them. I guess it was an ego boost, or she just need validation from men or something, i don't know.

 

 

Ahhhh sorry man.

 

In the same boat. 3 year relationship, moved in planning a family and she cheated.

 

Go read my thread missing my ex after 3 months. You will see how I went from suspecting her to finding out. I sent her an email telling her what I think which I posted in the thread. She already had another guy lined up.

 

Yea i read your thread and i feel sorry for you man. I guess we really are in the same boat. It sucks to be lied to and cheated on. The worst thing is that you start to question the last months of your relationship. Was there anything else she lied about. I'm pretty sure i will have a lot of trouble trusting another woman.

[Kinetica84]

To tell you the truth i don't think she will. She's very shy and i think she is really afraid of getting hurt again, like she did in her childhood. I got a feeling she's living a life, where everything must be great, otherwise she just moves on. And it's not hard for her to move on, because she always has a few guys chasing her, contacting her on fb and stuff.

 

This last thing started to bother me. Strange guys were adding her on FB and started chatting to her, complimenting her looks, her ass and stuff. It was creepy for me and i'm a guy, but she was just thankful and continue talking to them. I guess it was an ego boost, or she just need validation from men or something, i don't know.

 

 

 

 

Yea i read your thread and i feel sorry for you man. I guess we really are in the same boat. It sucks to be lied to and cheated on. The worst thing is that you start to question the last months of your relationship. Was there anything else she lied about. I'm pretty sure i will have a lot of trouble trusting another woman.

 

I can say, writing that email made me feel so much better. May be you can apply the same method? It may help.

 

I sent the email then blocked all forms of communication so she couldn't reply. I then came home, filled up 7 big bkack bags of stuff she had bought for my home and threw it out. I threw out stuff I do need like a food blender and toilet roll holders but it was tainted with her betrayal. Man it felt good to just erase her from my life.