Obsessed with Ex- years and years

[robynredness]

I am here because I really really need some help.

I am obsessed with my ex /current fbuddy - I think it's running my life.

 

We dated for about two years- it was ok but it wasn't exactly amazing. He dumped me and suggested we become f buddies.

 

We've been f buddies for maybe 5 or 6 or so years now.

 

We met up when we could coz we both worked away. He always said he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me but he comes away on mini breaks/holidays/days out/theatre trips/ meals etc so it's not just- I go round and we have sex. It's like a proper friendship too. We go on nice walks and nature rambles- we chill and watch box sets.

 

I'm the first person he texts when he's got exciting or bad news and vice versa. So he says he doesn't want me- but his actions are different.

 

He ended up with a girlfriend but in the end he cheated on her with me, said he just couldn't stop sleeping with me. We're both single now and have been for a few years. I've been single ever since he left me all those years ago.

 

I don't understand.

 

I don't think it helps that fact that we were together either. I always hope he will change his mind and want to be together / realise how much I love him.

 

I have before said I loved him and couldn't do it anymore and he will stay away for a bit but he will text me sayig he misses me and that I'm his best friend and how he doesn't want to lose me. Again confusing. It's like he doesn't want me but if I try and move away- he doesn't want me to do that either.

 

My friends are sick to death of trying to help. I drink a lot to help cope with the pain. I feel physically sick a lot of the time- wondering if he's with other girls. This Christmas Eve I cried late into the night and downed a lot of wine. I woke up Xmas day alone and again crying.

 

My friends say he is the sole reason for my depression- I don't quite agree. I have no idea what to do. It's been YEARS. But I can't cope with these feelings anymore. After spending Xmas in tears and bringing the mood down with my family I realised how selfish and silly I'm being but I don't know how to stop. R.

[okc85]

Here's what you HAVE to do.

 

STOP TALKING TO HIM. Forever. No, that isn't dramatic.

 

forever. No more. He's gone. Delete all texts, emails, etc. Take all photos and things he sent you and burn them in a fire. Watch them burn. Cry. Then move on.

 

Do not talk to him ever again. Tell him that if he respects and loves you, he will delete your number and never contact you again. If he loves you, (as a person) he will want the best for you.

 

Don't try to rationalize this. Don't overthink it. You wasted years, and now it's time to stop.

[Ducktape]

Someone with commitment issue will never change, as you wish him to, if he always has the best of both worlds. He gets to have you in his life for his emotional needs as well as his physical needs, without having to commit and "owe" you anything.

 

I'm sure you know what you need to do in order to move forward!

[Marco Valerio]

If I was you I would cut all the ties, you are putting yourself in a very hurtful situation. You are not getting what you need, and what you need is someone just like you, who gives you what you are willing to give your ex.

 

All my best wishes, Merry Christmas!!!

[okc85]

Someone with commitment issue will never change, as you wish him to, if he always has the best of both worlds. He gets to have you in his life for his emotional needs as well as his physical needs, without having to commit and "owe" you anything.

 

I'm sure you know what you need to do in order to move forward!

 

It's ruining her life. Imagine if she cut off this idiot years ago? She'd probably be in a stable relationship by now.

 

Unless there is a reason she is attracted to this man's unavailability. Either way, it is so unhealthy, and she needs to end it!

[Ducktape]

It's ruining her life. Imagine if she cut off this idiot years ago? She'd probably be in a stable relationship by now.

 

Unless there is a reason she is attracted to this man's unavailability. Either way, it is so unhealthy, and she needs to end it!

I didn't say she should stay with him.

[Zahara]

I am obsessed with my ex /current fbuddy - I think it's running my life.

 

So right that your friend noted that your depression is most likely driven by your obsession with him. Your friend is right.

 

We dated for about two years- it was ok but it wasn't exactly amazing. He dumped me and suggested we become f buddies. We've been f buddies for maybe 5 or 6 or so years now.

 

When a man demotes you to some he f****, he views you as only good for that. You don't get promoted just because you love him.

 

We met up when we could coz we both worked away. He always said he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me but he comes away on mini breaks/holidays/days out/theatre trips/ meals etc so it's not just- I go round and we have sex. It's like a proper friendship too. We go on nice walks and nature rambles- we chill and watch box sets.

 

Some men can enjoy a woman and all that she has to offer without wanting the commitment. They can enjoy the vacations, hugs, cuddles, trips, walks, hand holding without it ever meaning a loving commitment. Why would any man give up sex and all those benefits when he doesn't have to commit to you? It's a sweet deal. He does all that with you -- so what - at the end of the day he still keeps you in the box as a fbuddy.

 

I'm the first person he texts when he's got exciting or bad news and vice versa. So he says he doesn't want me- but his actions are different.

 

You're a crutch. A soft cushion to fall on. A comfortable pillar to lean on. An available option he can use for whatever he needs.

 

He ended up with a girlfriend but in the end he cheated on her with me, said he just couldn't stop sleeping with me. We're both single now and have been for a few years. I've been single ever since he left me all those years ago.

 

It's because you are always there when it isn't working out with whomever he's with.

 

I don't think it helps that fact that we were together either. I always hope he will change his mind and want to be together / realise how much I love him.

 

Six years you've been showing him how much you love him. And six years he's kept you as a fbuddy. You're in a deep fog.

 

I have before said I loved him and couldn't do it anymore and he will stay away for a bit but he will text me sayig he misses me and that I'm his best friend and how he doesn't want to lose me. Again confusing. It's like he doesn't want me but if I try and move away- he doesn't want me to do that either.

 

Why would he want to give you up when you're always there ready to give him whatever he desires at the expense of denying yourself what you truly want. He is always going to come back because he knows you are available and you will give him the benefits.

 

My friends are sick to death of trying to help. I drink a lot to help cope with the pain. I feel physically sick a lot of the time- wondering if he's with other girls. This Christmas Eve I cried late into the night and downed a lot of wine. I woke up Xmas day alone and again crying.

 

And seven years you'll wake up again on X'mas day alone and crying. Change has to start with you, and as painful as it is, it's the only way to get yourself out of a dead situation.

 

My friends say he is the sole reason for my depression- I don't quite agree. I have no idea what to do. It's been YEARS. But I can't cope with these feelings anymore. After spending Xmas in tears and bringing the mood down with my family I realised how selfish and silly I'm being but I don't know how to stop. R.

 

They're right. You've diminished yourself. Stripped your self-esteem by being what he wants when it has been hurting your soul for years.

 

How to stop? Block him everywhere he can find access to you. Cold turkey NC even if you're crawling on the floor with withdrawals. And once you push through the grief, see a counselor and start rebuilding your life and self-esteem again.

[Lianalady]

Oh sweetheart! I feel your pain and can see just how confusing this whole thing is for you. He is obviously scared to commit and as you have made yourself so available to him he hasn't had to try. Stay away from him for a good long while and try to heal. Stop with the alcohol as that will make you more depressed and perhaps see your GP for some help? I am suffering too at the moment and this forum and all the amazing live out there has REALLY helped me. Xx

[okc85]

I didn't say she should stay with him.

 

Oh, I know. But I don't even think she should get it in her head that he has commitment issues. Because she might start to think, 'well, he might change someday..he might start to want commitment someday..' and she will never move on.

 

The worst thing we do is overthink and try to rationalize the behavior of other people. The fact is that this man has strung her along for 5 years (!!!) and it'll continue until she just cuts him off completely.

[robynredness]

These replies are so helpful. Thank you for listening. I didn't know where else to turn. The depression and pain are killing me, I need advice and wow thank you.

[okc85]

These replies are so helpful. Thank you for listening. I didn't know where else to turn. The depression and pain are killing me, I need advice and wow thank you.

 

I think we've all 'been there.' I know I have. And trust me, your life will get so much better once he's out of your life. It's going to be hard for the first few months, but you will start to feel sooo much better once your addiction to him wears off.

 

No contact really works. It's sad but very necessary.

[robynredness]

Thank you for such a detailed reply- it helps to see it all broken down like that.

 

 

So right that your friend noted that your depression is most likely driven by your obsession with him. Your friend is right.

 

 

 

When a man demotes you to some he f****, he views you as only good for that. You don't get promoted just because you love him.

 

 

 

Some men can enjoy a woman and all that she has to offer without wanting the commitment. They can enjoy the vacations, hugs, cuddles, trips, walks, hand holding without it ever meaning a loving commitment. Why would any man give up sex and all those benefits when he doesn't have to commit to you? It's a sweet deal. He does all that with you -- so what - at the end of the day he still keeps you in the box as a fbuddy.

 

 

 

You're a crutch. A soft cushion to fall on. A comfortable pillar to lean on. An available option he can use for whatever he needs.

 

 

 

It's because you are always there when it isn't working out with whomever he's with.

 

 

 

Six years you've been showing him how much you love him. And six years he's kept you as a fbuddy. You're in a deep fog.

 

 

 

Why would he want to give you up when you're always there ready to give him whatever he desires at the expense of denying yourself what you truly want. He is always going to come back because he knows you are available and you will give him the benefits.

 

 

 

And seven years you'll wake up again on X'mas day alone and crying. Change has to start with you, and as painful as it is, it's the only way to get yourself out of a dead situation.

 

 

 

They're right. You've diminished yourself. Stripped your self-esteem by being what he wants when it has been hurting your soul for years.

 

How to stop? Block him everywhere he can find access to you. Cold turkey NC even if you're crawling on the floor with withdrawals. And once you push through the grief, see a counselor and start rebuilding your life and self-esteem again.

[Zahara]

Thank you for such a detailed reply- it helps to see it all broken down like that.

 

You are very welcome. You truly need to NC on this man and turn your life around. It's a hard process, gut wrenchingly painful, sometimes almost downright debilitating but it's temporary. Temporary pain. What you have with him is indefinite turmoil, hurt and disappointment.

 

Cold turkey NC is your only way.

[lil hoodlum]

I apologize in advance as my thinking is likely flawed.

 

 

Why not keep him around as your backup option while you find his replacement?

 

 

Plenty of dumpers have kept the unknowing dumpee around as an option as they searched for greener pastures.

[Zahara]

Why not keep him around as your backup option while you find his replacement?.

 

It's a very difficult thing to do when you are emotionally entrenched. It's easier for dumpers to do this as they aren't very attached and quite indifferent.

[robynredness]

I apologize in advance as my thinking is likely flawed.

 

 

Why not keep him around as your backup option while you find his replacement?

 

 

Plenty of dumpers have kept the unknowing dumpee around as an option as they searched for greener pastures.

 

Sadly I haven't managed to find anyone to replace him. I'm not grossly unattractive - just average - but no one is interested. Honestly!

[Zahara]

Sadly I haven't managed to find anyone to replace him. I'm not grossly unattractive - just average - but no one is interested. Honestly!

 

I think the best thing you should be doing for yourself is 1) NC 2) caring for your self-esteem and cultivating and rebuilding yourself internally. It has nothing to do with how you look but how you carry yourself and the aura you emit. With being depressed and possibly worn down by years of this dysfunction, you're probably not projecting a self-confident and positive persona.

[BC1980]

I apologize in advance as my thinking is likely flawed.

 

 

Why not keep him around as your backup option while you find his replacement?

 

 

Plenty of dumpers have kept the unknowing dumpee around as an option as they searched for greener pastures.

 

I don't think she can do this in her emotional state. Her self-esteem has been eroded over 5 years with this man. Dumpers can handle keeping someone around because they are mostly indifferent. Also, he wouldn't be a backup for her because he has no intention of being in a committed relationship with her. In her emotional state, she is, in no way, ready for a relationship with anyone.

 

OP, you need total NC from him. Cold turkey as others have suggested. I know it seems impossible to consider NC right now, but it is possible. I promise it is. Do you think you are ready to go NC? I'm concerned that because you have been his FWB for 5 years, he's become too entrenched in your life at this point. I'm concerned that you are not ready for the likely fact that you won't speak to or see him again. Can you, at least, start to process that this would be best for you? I know it's difficult to even be open to the idea of never talking to him again, but at least try to think about it.

[BC1980]

Sadly I haven't managed to find anyone to replace him. I'm not grossly unattractive - just average - but no one is interested. Honestly!

 

I don't think you are in a place where you need to be looking for another relationship. I think you need to be NC from this guy for awhile and get your self-esteem back. I'd suggest therapy for sure. Maybe just take finding someone else off the table right now because it seems like you have enough to deal with, so adding searching for a partner is too much. Finding a relationship can be an overwhelming prospect when you are not in the right head space.

 

And Zahara is right. Finding someone is about being emotionally healthy and projecting inner confidence. Most of us are average looking anyway. Few of us are super models.

[robynredness]

It's a very difficult thing to do when you are emotionally entrenched. It's easier for dumpers to do this as they aren't very attached and quite indifferent.

 

I don't think she can do this in her emotional state. Her self-esteem has been eroded over 5 years with this man. Dumpers can handle keeping someone around because they are mostly indifferent. Also, he wouldn't be a backup for her because he has no intention of being in a committed relationship with her. In her emotional state, she is, in no way, ready for a relationship with anyone.

 

OP, you need total NC from him. Cold turkey as others have suggested. I know it seems impossible to consider NC right now, but it is possible. I promise it is. Do you think you are ready to go NC? I'm concerned that because you have been his FWB for 5 years, he's become too entrenched in your life at this point. I'm concerned that you are not ready for the likely fact that you won't speak to or see him again. Can you, at least, start to process that this would be best for you? I know it's difficult to even be open to the idea of never talking to him again, but at least try to think about it.

 

You're right- he is a huge part of my life to the point where I've stopped and thought "what do I enjoy" "what makes me ..me" and I honestly can't answer. I don't have any hobbies or ...real interests. I think he has become my identity - I don't even know who I am anymore without him.

 

Not in a creepy "I will die without him" but im more in a ...this "relationship" has defined me for years. People always ask about he and I. He and I do things together. Without him I'm wondering how to even begin understanding who I and what I want. How do you find what you are interested in when you have no interests? How do you find out who you are when you don't know?

 

I'm scared that if I never see or speak to him again, I will go to work, come home and sleep- that would be all I do. I wouldn't even have a man there - as u said previously- no one is interested.

 

And thanks for clarifying - I know I'm not completely unattractive, so I probably am putting out some serious "f*** off vibes" x

[Zahara]

How do you find what you are interested in when you have no interests? How do you find out who you are when you don't know?

 

One step at a time. First, you make the decision to remove the cancer in your life. Then you grieve. Then as you heal, you slowly start turning the focus on you, little by little. Seeing a counselor helps to dig deep into why you've devalued yourself for so long. Before you met this man, what was of interest to you? What did you like doing? What was your life like before him? What did you like doing with friends? You slowly branch out and start researching, trying, involving, immersing, etc.

 

You have no interests because you are broken. You have no insight into yourself because you're in an emotional fog. You've become an extension with no sense of self. You break that spell once you start your journey into NC.

 

I'm scared that if I never see or speak to him again, I will go to work, come home and sleep- that would be all I do. I wouldn't even have a man there - as u said previously- no one is interested.

 

You will probably do that for awhile when you're grieving. But it won't stay that way. You will start to heal from it and start to realize that life can and will be better for you.

 

Having a man is not your priority. You are in no way ready for any sort of man until you work on yourself. It says a lot about someone that stays a fbuddy with a man for 6 years at the expense of tearing her soul apart.

 

And thanks for clarifying - I know I'm not completely unattractive, so I probably am putting out some serious "f*** off vibes" x

 

Your self-esteem is low. You have allowed a man to devalue you. In that sense, you see yourself in a very negative way. But you can change that, if you want.

[BC1980]

You're right- he is a huge part of my life to the point where I've stopped and thought "what do I enjoy" "what makes me ..me" and I honestly can't answer. I don't have any hobbies or ...real interests. I think he has become my identity - I don't even know who I am anymore without him.

 

Not in a creepy "I will die without him" but im more in a ...this "relationship" has defined me for years. People always ask about he and I. He and I do things together. Without him I'm wondering how to even begin understanding who I and what I want. How do you find what you are interested in when you have no interests? How do you find out who you are when you don't know?

 

I'm scared that if I never see or speak to him again, I will go to work, come home and sleep- that would be all I do. I wouldn't even have a man there - as u said previously- no one is interested.

 

The truth is that you don't have a man there right now. You have some crumbs that he has given you. You don't have a mutually fulfilling relationship with a man who loves you.

 

How do begin to figure out who you are? Like Zahara said, what were your interests before him? For me, I had always wanted to volunteer at a free clinic (I'm a nurse), so I researched some places and found what I thought might be a good fit for me. It was scary because I didn't know anybody at first, but, now, I look forward to going there every month. I've met some great people as well, people I would have never met otherwise.

 

Something else I did was become involved in a women's group at my church, which was also something I gave up when with my ex. I signed up, and they put me in a small, women's group, and these women have become good friends to me. I've been doing art since I was little, and I want to start back with that again when I can get the space.

 

All of this didn't happen overnight. This spring will mark 2 yrs. since my breakup, and it's taken me this long to create an entirely new life, free from him. It's been well worth it though, and I have no desire for him to be a part of my life in any way. I feel so fulfilled and free in a way that I never did with him. All because I'm investing in myself.

 

The first step is to cut contact and go through the grief. The first months are really hard, but you must make a commitment to stay NC. I would invest in some books on grief and see a counselor if possible. I had never grieved before, so I needed help navigating the process. Also, lean on your friends, though they may not be completely sympathetic because this has been going on for so long. I doubt they know how bad it still is for you. Maybe there is one friend you can confide in or one family member. I can give you the names of some good books if you like.

[Satu]

You are living in constant misery because you are involved with someone who doesn't care about you, and doesn't love in any real sense.

 

Please bring this to an end. Please.

 

You deserve a happy life, but if you carry on with this person you will become someone who is only half alive - someone who has forgotten that happiness is even possible.

 

Post here a hundred times a day if it will help.

 

Walk away from this person and don't look back.

[Elle1975]

When a man demotes you to some he f****, he views you as only good for that. You don't get promoted just because you love him.

 

And that's all that needed to be said, Zaza nailed it.

[vintagelover]

My instinct is to take a one day at a time approach

With NC. Forever is a very long time and hard to think about

I'm not talking to him today is easier. Then once you get a week/ month

Etc under your belt you won't want to give up the time

You've worked so hard for. With the silence you will begin to gain

Perspective. The rose colored glasses will start to come off little by little.

Thinking about returning to the cycle will seem dangerous after you've

Felt a few instances of new hard earned happiness. PLUS , I really recommend

Being the one to walk away before he does it to you ! Bc that is a powerless

Feeling that you will not want to experience.