I bothered my ex for a long time, a warning and plea for

[Hula]

advice**

 

This is long but I really need some help because I feel so messed up.

 

I had a short but sweet relationship with a girl (me 22, her 20) that abruptly ended, a day or two before we was making plans, she was affectionate as usual, saying she loved me, and then a day or so after I was blocked on Facebook, Skype, etc, told it was over and that she doesn't love me. Then she was gone.

 

Around two months had passed where I hadn't tried to contact her, except the initial shock which lead to a fair number of text messages being sent, but then it got worse.

 

Actually, the basic pattern was this:

I would message her on Facebook once a month (at its worst, it was a few times a week), sometimes a 2 month gap in between, she'd block me again so I made a new account. I became a master at making Facebook accounts, I swear...

 

I'd feel terrible because she just instantly blocked me instead of talking or giving me any reason about why it ended and why she would not talk to me. I'd get angry and frustrated and become obsessed with finding out or fixing things. This went on for two years intermittently.

 

I never, ever threatened her or threw insults at her, I was always polite but that doesn't make it better. It got worse when I reached out to some of her friends, this is when it became a real invasion of privacy. Some of them were nice to me and told me to move on and let it go, I agreed with them and knew it was right, but I couldn't do it. I would sit and wallow about this girl and wonder why things had to change. Part of it (probably a large part) was made worse by my OCD, once she entered my mind I couldn't escape it, I would just be back on my computer trying to talk to her.

 

So yes, again, I kept trying to talk, on Facebook accounts, even on Twitter a few times. This went on, I even circumvented her privacy settings a few times when she stopped allowing non-friends to message her, she did revert this eventually but that's not the point, I was ignoring her wishes completely and being selfish, I didn't really think of how it might be for her.

 

Then eventually, it didn't become about getting back with her, I just wanted to have a nice conversation to say goodbye, just one line from her, something. She wouldn't do it, so I kept persisting even though I knew I shouldn't, same deal...once a month or so with a few weeks or slightly more in between where I resisted, but then I was back.

 

A little while after I simply felt terrible for knowing what I had done to her and knowing I'd soured her memory of me, she'd just see me as some harasser now. This made me obsess about saying sorry and having her forgiveness, after I said that I'd still get blocked, so I kept trying, not realising that by coming back after saying I am sorry and that I'll stop everything only made things worse despite having good intentions.

 

Eventually she did start talking to me. Some of it not good, she came across as quite cruel and delusional at one point, but I can look past it because I had been annoying her and made her view of me very jaded, I was certainly not in a position to judge.

A while after we sort of had the chat I was looking for, I apologised profusely once again (I had already many times before, but this time I felt I could stay away) and she accepted, she had actually said before that I can be forgiven if I stop my behaviour but I didn't take it on board because I kept feeling so guilty for what I had already done. It's a serious OCD thought pattern I kept having.

 

As I said I never insulted or tried to make her feel scared, no threats but there was an invasion of privacy none the less. I said my goodbyes to her recently and she told me that I don't have to go back and ask her if she has forgiven me or not already, we said bye and that has been it. My OCD really made it difficult to simply stop messaging or bothering her, I kept making myself believe I needed to have her around in some way and I was seriously obsessed with acquiring forgiveness at this point.

 

I didn't even really realise that I was doing something bad for quite a while, all I was thinking is that "well, I won't show up at her apartment as that's clearly too much" so I didn't really think much about what I was doing, merely that it's probably somewhat annoying, I justified it to myself that it was okay because she had been rude and treated me poorly to begin with.

It's over now but I do feel bad.

 

Am I beating myself up a bit too much? I will never do this again to anybody after this experience, I know she's fine in life and I truly did not at any point try to make her life uncomfortable or make her feel unsafe.

 

The news over the last 2-3 months regarding all the "GamerGate" harassment have made me feel extremely bad again about my own behaviour, I know I wasn't trying to cause harm or make her feel safe but I feel awful regardless.

 

I started off somewhat heartbroken, then I became deluded and obsessed, now I'm over it but sometimes I feel like I am forever to be branded as this terrible stalker, it makes me feel awful. Maybe I should add it was also my first 'real' relationship that seemed to be going places, I can't see myself acting this way with someone else again but there was seriously something about this girl I could not let go. I had such terrible confidence (I was having skin problems back then) when I met her too, so I did have her on a pedestal and was amazed someone like her could even like me.

 

I last spoke to her a little over two months ago. I once again apologised and said I won't come back, so far, so good, but with it being Christmas and her birthday recently I've found it hard. I can't go back on my word though...not again. I asked if I stop everything, could she maybe forgive me in a year from now and she said ok but told me not to come back and ask her if she's already done it or not.

 

A while ago she offered to meet up with me in real life and talk to bury the hatchet, so I suppose it's good I didn't make her terrified of me but nonetheless, I really messed up. It's true that it was just Facebook messaging so should I really be feeling this bad? I'm not sure what to do, if I was in her position, I'd be annoyed if the messaging kept continuing but I guess I'd forgive and not really care if it stopped for good. I never thought of it from her point of view, I'd definitely have been pissed if someone was unable to leave things buried and kept messaging me.

 

That is everything. I know what I did was so stupid and wrong but I was completely self absorbed and only really thinking about myself. Am I beating myself up too much by carrying so much guilt or should I feel totally free to move on with my life now? I actually feel happy in life and as if this is all over, but I still have moments where I feel terrible for what I did. It's crushing at times and dominates my thoughts, acts as a barrier to just focusing on my days.

 

I've had a breakup with another girl since and didn't act this way, it ended and we stopped talking...and that was it. I don't think I'll ever repeat the behaviour in my post, I believe it was just me flipping out because of how many confidence issues I had and because she was my first love, I can't imagine doing the same things again.

 

I know how weird I must sound by all of this but hopefully nobody will flame me, if I was reading this I'd probably think some pretty bad things but I'm not a bad person. Sorry.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Hula

[EgoJoe]

She cut you off cold and you reacted terribly.

 

 

Meeting with her is a bad idea. Neither of you emotionally healthy.

[CALOVELY]

What steps have you taken to ensure you will not repeat this behavior? You mentioned that you have OCD which leads you to obsess over things. Is that a medical diagnosis or self identified?

[Hula]

What steps have you taken to ensure you will not repeat this behavior? You mentioned that you have OCD which leads you to obsess over things. Is that a medical diagnosis or self identified?

 

Hi, I haven't really taken any steps aside from knowing that I don't want to go back on my word anymore, I really want her to forgive me and I know that going away for a long while is my only shot because so far I've not backed up my words with action.

 

It's self-identified but it's only ever been a problem when it came to this so maybe it's not actually OCD, I was just unable to stop thinking about all of this and lately it's just feeling a lot of guilt. I feel bad for moving on even though I've apologised a stupid amount of times.

 

I'm not sure if I should be calling it OCD since it doesn't affect me in any other ways but it's definitely been a case of obsessive thinking about how to fix things or make myself feel less guilty!

 

She cut you off cold and you reacted terribly.

 

 

Meeting with her is a bad idea. Neither of you emotionally healthy.

 

Yeah I definitely did, plenty of people had told me that the way she acted was horrible but I still was hell bent on talking to her and finding out more. I couldn't understand how someone could say they love me and then disappear two days later, I was really obsessed about figuring it out.

 

We won't meet up and that's fine, haven't spoke to her for a few months and now just trying to keep it behind me.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Hula

[CALOVELY]

Hi, I haven't really taken any steps aside from knowing that I don't want to go back on my word anymore, I really want her to forgive me and I know that going away for a long while is my only shot because so far I've not backed up my words with action.

 

It's self-identified but it's only ever been a problem when it came to this so maybe it's not actually OCD, I was just unable to stop thinking about all of this and lately it's just feeling a lot of guilt. I feel bad for moving on even though I've apologised a stupid amount of times.

 

I'm not sure if I should be calling it OCD since it doesn't affect me in any other ways but it's definitely been a case of obsessive thinking about how to fix things or make myself feel less guilty!

 

 

 

 

Your behavior was over the top and scary. It is good that you recognize this. Why is her forgiveness so important to you? By trying to get it you are running yourself ragged in the process, which continues the cycle of guilt, shame and obsession.

[EgoJoe]

Look up addictive and unhealthy love. You can learn much.

[Hula]

Look up addictive and unhealthy love. You can learn much.

 

I have done before, I don't think I will have this same issue again with anyone else. She was the first love I suppose and I never had something end the way this did, I think those two combining really shook my system, still it was definitely way over the top regardless...

 

Your behavior was over the top and scary. It is good that you recognize this. Why is her forgiveness so important to you? By trying to get it you are running yourself ragged in the process, which continues the cycle of guilt, shame and obsession.

 

Does it make it any better that, if I wanted, I could have gone to her apartment and other places I know I would have ran into her, but I didn't? That is the only thing that keeps me from feeling like the worst kind of stalker.

 

You hit the nail on the head with regards to the cycle, the reason I want her forgiveness so much is that I really respected her, well, we were so nice to each other with no cause for concern, and then she exploded and disappeared on me. Since I had no gripes with her while in the relationship it's hard for me to look back and think "I am better off" even though people have told me that someone who can flip like that is no good.

 

I think that could be part of why I am so hung up on her, since it seemed so perfect and I have a hard time convincing myself I'm better off now, then when I think of how much I bothered her on Facebook I feel like a monster.

 

For what it is worth the last time we spoke she wasn't exactly hostile to me, I think she knew I was not going to cause her any harm and understood me a bit, so I was able to part on better terms at that time I suppose. I still worry I'll be stuck in this cycle though.

 

Hearing that things will be fine would be really helpful, or just that I don't need to worry about moving on. I know what I did was wrong but I just didn't see it outside of my own bubble, I apologised and stopped (at least until now I have...) so what else am I meant to do?

 

Sorry for how stupid what I am saying might sound, just trying my best to conquer this last hurdle as I don't want to spend more time in the past and keep bringing it up all the time.

[Itspointless]

plenty of people had told me that the way she acted was horrible but I still was hell bent on talking to her and finding out more. I couldn't understand how someone could say they love me and then disappear two days later, I was really obsessed about figuring it out.

 

We won't meet up and that's fine, haven't spoke to her for a few months and now just trying to keep it behind me.

Another perspective, at first it was about figuring it out as it was cold of her. But with you continuously looking for ways to reach her and later on apologizing, you never broke the connection with her. Apologizing has become your way of continuing your relationship with her. Deep down you do not want an excuse, you want her attention. There isn't a way she can give you an answer by now that changes this feeling or her feelings.

 

It is over and you need to remove yourself from her. What has happened happened. Yes I know, some things in life are just awful, but your way is not the way to keep the connection going on. You seriously need to stop this and you know that.

[Satu]

You were very lucky not to have had a visit from the police.

 

One you had been told it was over, it was over.

 

Forget apologies and explanations, and let go of her forever.

 

You said that this will never again, but the truth is that could, and it could happen when you least expect it.

 

It would be a very good idea for you to have some short-term therapy, to find out why you came to behave as you did.

[Hula]

Hey, sorry for my late replies. I get worried about checking here because I know how crazy I might sound and I worry about being insulted and then feeling worse.

 

You were very lucky not to have had a visit from the police.

 

One you had been told it was over, it was over.

 

Forget apologies and explanations, and let go of her forever.

 

You said that this will never again, but the truth is that could, and it could happen when you least expect it.

 

It would be a very good idea for you to have some short-term therapy, to find out why you came to behave as you did.

 

I think so, I don't really know how the law works but if I said anything insulting or threatening I'm sure they could definitely have been involved and maybe they would even if no threats or malicious intent were intended - since it had been ongoing for a long time.

 

I've apologised and explained everything the best I can, all I can really do is now is leave it at that and be glad we didn't argue in our last interaction.

 

You are right, I don't wanna 'relapse' but I don't think it will happen this time as I don't want to break my word again. I need to stick to what I said and not keep messaging in any way, as if I'm really sorry, I wouldn't be messaging her bringing it up and apologising, that's still harassment even if it's not me trying to rekindle things with her anymore. It's just unwanted and unneeded messaging, I think that's true for both of us as I didn't actually want to message her time and time again, it just built up and I couldn't quieten my mind until I did so. (then usually regretted it a bit)

 

I did think about speaking to someone, I don't think I'd do this again if a relationship ended so I'm not sure. I'm mostly trying to deal with what I said below at the very end. I think I'll definitely speak to a therapist if I feel this way again with another girl. (and if the same behaviour somehow repeats with this girl as well)

 

Another perspective, at first it was about figuring it out as it was cold of her. But with you continuously looking for ways to reach her and later on apologizing, you never broke the connection with her. Apologizing has become your way of continuing your relationship with her. Deep down you do not want an excuse, you want her attention. There isn't a way she can give you an answer by now that changes this feeling or her feelings.

 

It is over and you need to remove yourself from her. What has happened happened. Yes I know, some things in life are just awful, but your way is not the way to keep the connection going on. You seriously need to stop this and you know that.

 

Ah I think you nailed it. At first it was definitely that, she did one time give me a list of things apparently wrong with me that she didn't like but I don't think most of it was true, as she was very affectionate and loving towards me the entire time, right until the day before I was blocked. (also, most of it sounded absolutely nothing like our time together...I was quite confused actually) So I think she was angry at me for bothering her and said those things to spite me, I can't blame her for that.

 

The last time I saw her in person I was seeing her off at the airport for a trip back to her home and she cried as we said goodbye (temporarily) so it really feels like she had genuine affection for me. I'm not sure what happened to extinguish that as we didn't argue once and she had been telling me how she wanted to vacation with me in the summer, it was only about two weeks later after she said that, that I was dumped.

 

I don't think I will ever really know why she did what she did, maybe it's just how her personality can be, or maybe it was a one off while she is growing up. It's all right, I was just shocked...I don't understand how someone can suddenly be so dismissive and harsh, the biggest reason I was shocked is that this girl had been so sweet and really seemed to enjoy my company. I had no way to see this coming.

 

Ok anyway! I'm not sure if I really want to keep a connection with her, I think what it boils down to is that:

 

1) By accepting her as gone from my life, I realise I wasted my time and how stupid I was. I know she is gone of course and to be honest, I can't think of anything we'd have in common or a reason to speak to her and I certainly could never trust her in a relationship again.

 

2) I find it frustrating that she stonewalled me as our personalities worked great together I thought, it feels like a waste, but it's not my fault that it happened so maybe the feelings of regret shouldn't be mine to bear.

 

3) Of course eventually I realised I was harassing and then I felt like I had to apologise, so I did, but then I worried it wasn't enough for my ignorant and persistent behaviour, so I kept apologising, this just repeated on and on, I really do want to be forgiven though and I know the best way to make that possible is to stick to my word so that my apology is actually valid. I can't say sorry for bothering her if I keep coming back, even if I'm only back to apologise. It's stupid.

 

Sorry for the long post...the thing is, I know this stuff and what I have to do, but I feel so bad about my behaviour. Am I okay? Should I be feeling this much guilt? I keep comparing myself to stalkers that did much worse than me but I still feel like crap for it. It's the last hurdle to moving on fully, I feel like I don't deserve to just move on sometimes.

[Hula]

I have been feeling quite good these past few days but I have a nagging voice telling myself I'm an awful person for what I did. It's frustrating as it always hits when I'm feeling positive and optimistic.

[Itspointless]

I have been feeling quite good these past few days but I have a nagging voice telling myself I'm an awful person for what I did. It's frustrating as it always hits when I'm feeling positive and optimistic.

Yes, that does not surprise me, you are stuck in repetitive negative thought-patterns and have little self-respect. You really could use some therapy for that.

 

You have to change these negative patterns. The moment you have these kind of thoughts you must correct yourself. Make something like this your mantra: 'I am a good person. I am allowed to make mistakes, if I have I try to learn from it and correct my behavior, if needed I apologize. When I do this than I have done everything I could and leave it behind me, as I know I am a good person.'

[okc85]

you're not an awful person. You recognize that your behavior was over the top, and if it's any consolation, she probably just thinks you're a weirdo. I mean, no one agrees to meet up with someone if they feel their life is in danger.

 

So, I have a problem with 'letting go' of exes. My mind spins and spins and tries to justify staying friends with them. I like to end things 'on a good note' like you do. I get a thought stuck in a groove in my brain and it stays there ALL DAY (ocd)

 

All you can do is

 

1. forgive yourself

2. step back and make a plan for how to avoid repeating this behavior in the future

3. stop talking to her. stop. if you slip and message her, okay fine, it happens, but stop apologizing to her. Pretend she died in a fire if that helps. She's part of the past and she needs to stay there.

 

Changing our behaviors is so hard, but it can be done. It just takes work. And it does sound like you have obsessive thinking patterns.

 

Have you considered mindfulness meditation?

[dyna85]

Hula, please don't beat yourself up. I think you reacted strongly because you were cut off so abruptly and without reason, which is cruel on her part and disrespectful of your feelings. I think you were just desperate for an explanation, which is understandable.

 

I think you expected respect because you would have given her the same and not treated her the way she had treated you at the end, by just acting affectionate and then blocking you from everything. That's a cowardly move on her part, and karma will surely catch up with her in that regard.

 

Honestly, it makes sense that the 'ghosting' tactic that she used, by leaving you high and dry would trigger you to seek answers so insistently. You're freaking human. You deserve respect and closure and people that just run away and avoid conflict at the expense of others' feelings are the cruel ones. At least you have compassion. You're willing to recognize that maybe you took it a bit too far in your quest for closure, but yet, I can understand why you did what you did.

 

It's almost like a manipulation tactic on the other person's part (intentionally or unintentionally) to create this urge in the person left hanging to obtain a response for closure purposes, and that's what so twisted about the whole thing when someone vanishes without any explanation.

 

Unless someone has been in your shoes, they can't judge you. It's okay to feel a bit embarrassed for being so persistent, but now you know to let it go and leave it to God if someone does this in the future. Not everyone is kind out there and it's unfortunate that you never know until something like this happens. It's a definite 'true colors' moment and something from which to grow.

 

It could be worse... you could be like them.

Edited January 3, 2015 by dyna85

[Itspointless]

Hula when I say that you have no self-respect I mean that you make others more important than yourself. I understand that, I have been there myself. There is a world there to win for you. Therapy helped me a lot throughout the years. It will learn you tools when you encounter these kind of things again, hopefully not though as I know how it hurts when people disappear on you. I think it is important for you to find out if the woman you choose are a healthy match. t is something I still have to work on myself. Sometimes we recreate unhealthy bonds that we were used to in our past. It can only get better!

[hoping2heal]

I think it is good that in your recent breakup, you did not repeat the same behavior. That is a positive sign that you have begun to learn from your mistakes.

 

I am concerned that if you meet up with her in person, this could trigger a rehash of that same cycle. I would have never agreed to meet up with someone who did to me, what you did to her.

 

I think you need to let the entire thing go and that includes the meet up but you will do as you will. Sever all ties and stop beating yourself up and put this behind you for good.

[Hula]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies, sorry for the late response as once again I was a bit embarrassed about checking my thread.

 

I think it is good that in your recent breakup, you did not repeat the same behavior. That is a positive sign that you have begun to learn from your mistakes.

 

I am concerned that if you meet up with her in person, this could trigger a rehash of that same cycle. I would have never agreed to meet up with someone who did to me, what you did to her.

 

I think you need to let the entire thing go and that includes the meet up but you will do as you will. Sever all ties and stop beating yourself up and put this behind you for good.

 

I think so, it just didn't really sting me in the same way. Of course I was a bit sad about it but it was a break up that I could understand, there were good and bad parts in that relationship, I could look at the bad and see it wouldn't work out. With the girl I am speaking about in this thread, I had nothing but good things to look back on.

 

I doubt I'll meet her to be honest but it would be kind of nice to do that someday to remind her that I'm not some shadowy Internet harasser. I don't think it will happen but there's a part of me that thinks it'd be therapeutic.

 

Yes, that does not surprise me, you are stuck in repetitive negative thought-patterns and have little self-respect. You really could use some therapy for that.

 

You have to change these negative patterns. The moment you have these kind of thoughts you must correct yourself. Make something like this your mantra: 'I am a good person. I am allowed to make mistakes, if I have I try to learn from it and correct my behavior, if needed I apologize. When I do this than I have done everything I could and leave it behind me, as I know I am a good person.'

 

You are completely right about the thought patterns, I never had them until all of this. I've always had some slight obsessions (like making sure my TV is always perfectly centered) but I never had the issue of persistent thoughts.

 

I'm negative too about my image because I wear braces, well, I will be free of them in 6 months but I still feel held back by them. I'm very self conscious when talking because I never want my teeth to show

 

you're not an awful person. You recognize that your behavior was over the top, and if it's any consolation, she probably just thinks you're a weirdo. I mean, no one agrees to meet up with someone if they feel their life is in danger.

 

So, I have a problem with 'letting go' of exes. My mind spins and spins and tries to justify staying friends with them. I like to end things 'on a good note' like you do. I get a thought stuck in a groove in my brain and it stays there ALL DAY (ocd)

 

All you can do is

 

1. forgive yourself

2. step back and make a plan for how to avoid repeating this behavior in the future

3. stop talking to her. stop. if you slip and message her, okay fine, it happens, but stop apologizing to her. Pretend she died in a fire if that helps. She's part of the past and she needs to stay there.

 

Changing our behaviors is so hard, but it can be done. It just takes work. And it does sound like you have obsessive thinking patterns.

 

Have you considered mindfulness meditation?

 

I think you are right, the last time we spoke she just seemed more annoyed at me than anything else. I'm sure she knows I am not some sort of threat to her safety, thankfully.

 

That is the same problem for me as well, just stupid thought patterns that stop me from focusing on anything else. I just sit and think about what I did.

 

I've never really tried meditation, to be honest ever since I was dumped by this girl I've been so worried about being alone with my thoughts that I'm always listening to podcasts, music or something else, just to try and prevent my mind drifting to that dark place. It's nowhere near as bad as it but I'm still using that tactic to a degree...

 

Hula, please don't beat yourself up. I think you reacted strongly because you were cut off so abruptly and without reason, which is cruel on her part and disrespectful of your feelings. I think you were just desperate for an explanation, which is understandable.

 

I think you expected respect because you would have given her the same and not treated her the way she had treated you at the end, by just acting affectionate and then blocking you from everything. That's a cowardly move on her part, and karma will surely catch up with her in that regard.

 

Honestly, it makes sense that the 'ghosting' tactic that she used, by leaving you high and dry would trigger you to seek answers so insistently. You're freaking human. You deserve respect and closure and people that just run away and avoid conflict at the expense of others' feelings are the cruel ones. At least you have compassion. You're willing to recognize that maybe you took it a bit too far in your quest for closure, but yet, I can understand why you did what you did.

 

It's almost like a manipulation tactic on the other person's part (intentionally or unintentionally) to create this urge in the person left hanging to obtain a response for closure purposes, and that's what so twisted about the whole thing when someone vanishes without any explanation.

 

Unless someone has been in your shoes, they can't judge you. It's okay to feel a bit embarrassed for being so persistent, but now you know to let it go and leave it to God if someone does this in the future. Not everyone is kind out there and it's unfortunate that you never know until something like this happens. It's a definite 'true colors' moment and something from which to grow.

 

It could be worse... you could be like them.

 

I definitely think it was how abrupt it was that made me go off the rails, I was so shocked by it all that I couldn't do anything but blame myself as I simply cannot understand how someone who was so sweet to me turns it all around in 2 days and blocks me. I still don't get it, I wasn't even rude to her when she sprung the break up on me, I asked on Skype if we could talk (about a half hour after the Facebook messaging) and was blocked without reply.

 

Still to this day I struggle to hold it against her because I'm still shocked about it all. I feel like I am an outlying case and that she's never done this to anyone else - friends or otherwise.

 

It took a long time for her to break complete silence as well. I feel bad for dragging it out of her but at the time I was so frustrated and could not understand why the girl that used to talk to me every single day, send me long emails and be so affectionate wouldn't spare me a few minutes of her day anymore. I never did anything that could possibly have triggered this turnaround in behaviour.

 

After a while I just wanted to have a better ending with her, be friendly to each other and maybe move forward like that, or just say goodbye entirely. I needed to have a better end to it than just being blocked. I shouldn't have been so obsessed with achieving these things but for some reason it felt impossible to shake, even now I'd like her to be kind to me again and make small talk (just in a friend sense), it annoys me that I'd be willing to give her that time. I don't feel that I need it, but it would just be nice for her to remember we used to get along well.

Edited January 6, 2015 by Hula

[erklat]

Some parts of your initial post linger very familiar.

 

I was also cut off in similar way, one day it was all fine and dandy ,

the next day it was over. I also have diagnosed anxiety and that

triggered similar behavior that lasted for maybe two weeks, bombarding

her with questions thinking it would help me. Never again.

 

Whatever she says to you will probably be a lie that will ease her consciousness

as much as possible. She has to look positive in her eyes. Therefore I advise

against meeting her. She can not give you what you are looking for. For example

as I was struggling and as I connected the dots, I remember maybe she was

kind of distant for couple of days. My brother and her were very good friends since

they went to the same class - that is how I met her. That friendship is over, even he

Initiated they hang out same as they did. Why? Dirty conscious does not forgive. She

probably found someone else while we were together. I was a mess during our rs, complete opposite of what

you should be to have meaningful rs. But hey, I was having a hard patch in life, it is

supposed to be through better and worse.

 

Don't do that again. We all do that in the immediate aftermath, not for that long thoug .

Problem is not in you. It is in her. She was important to you. She showed your relationship was a lie. She attacked the foundation of your personality.

 

My story is over. I will be a baby daddy in August now and there is no place for her in

my life in any shape or form any longer. But as karma always caught me, I hope that

It will catch her as well. I don't wish her bad, but I hope she will feel the same way she made me feel. Surely it can't be that bad if you can do that to other.

 

I suggest you do the same. A great deal of time passed. She has no angle on your life any more.

[Satu]

I admire your honesty.

 

You would probably benefit from so therapy aimed at understanding why you behaved this way, and how to make sure that it doesn't happen again. It might also help with your unhappiness about how you behaved.

[Satu]

"I really want her to forgive me and I know that going away for a long while is my only shot because so far I've not backed up my words with action."

 

You need to get the point where you don't need or want anything from her.

 

If you want forgiveness, forgive yourself.

[lauri]

Why are you so embarrassed? This girl is 100% nothing special and I'll tell you why. I can see what type of person she is...manipulates you until the last second when someone else commits to her. So she runs away from the confrontation of letting you down / telling you the truth / having to lie more, so she tries to turn it around make you feel like the bad guy. You're not.

 

She knew you were suffering and she CONTINUED to let you torture yourself. There is no excuse for your excessive behavior, but why are you acting like her approval is so important? An exes approval should be the least important thing to strive for...why would you even care what she thinks?

 

One of the most attractive qualities you could have as a man, other than confidence, is ability to have self control. To control yourself and be able to not spiral downwards like you did. I want you to get to the point where you don't even think about this girl or care about her thoughts of you. You need to come to a realization that her image of you is going to forever be there and never go away...and who cares? You shouldn't. I know you have the self control because you displayed it with your most recent breakup.

 

You can easily turn this into the best thing that has ever happened to you. You lost a girl who didn't love you and you learned about some major flaws within your self. This is awesome. Want to know why? Because now you can find a girl who does love you and you can improve on your flaws / problems. There is only up from here now man. Don't ever shy away from what you did because its a chance for you to become something greater and improve. I'm happy to see youve realized a lot of your problems and that's the first step.

Edited January 6, 2015 by lauri

[Hula]

Thanks again, everyone! It's nice to feel the support from this thread.

 

Some parts of your initial post linger very familiar.

 

I was also cut off in similar way, one day it was all fine and dandy ,

the next day it was over. I also have diagnosed anxiety and that

triggered similar behavior that lasted for maybe two weeks, bombarding

her with questions thinking it would help me. Never again.

 

Whatever she says to you will probably be a lie that will ease her consciousness

as much as possible. She has to look positive in her eyes. Therefore I advise

against meeting her. She can not give you what you are looking for. For example

as I was struggling and as I connected the dots, I remember maybe she was

kind of distant for couple of days. My brother and her were very good friends since

they went to the same class - that is how I met her. That friendship is over, even he

Initiated they hang out same as they did. Why? Dirty conscious does not forgive. She

probably found someone else while we were together. I was a mess during our rs, complete opposite of what

you should be to have meaningful rs. But hey, I was having a hard patch in life, it is

supposed to be through better and worse.

 

Don't do that again. We all do that in the immediate aftermath, not for that long thoug .

Problem is not in you. It is in her. She was important to you. She showed your relationship was a lie. She attacked the foundation of your personality.

 

My story is over. I will be a baby daddy in August now and there is no place for her in

my life in any shape or form any longer. But as karma always caught me, I hope that

It will catch her as well. I don't wish her bad, but I hope she will feel the same way she made me feel. Surely it can't be that bad if you can do that to other.

 

I suggest you do the same. A great deal of time passed. She has no angle on your life any more.

 

I thought it would help as well so I kept seeking answers, while I was checking up on her and trying to establish contact I did find out that the guy she started dating two months after me, she was hanging out with a week before I was dumped (a few days before she came back). I'm not sure what to make of that, I found this out long after it ended and it shouldn't have been any of my business, but I saw it none the less.

 

I have no idea why I couldn't stop doing what I did though. It would just come and go...like I'd try to speak to her many times for a couple of days, then I'd stop for a few weeks or months but eventually want to try again. I don't feel the same temptation to do it any more but I still wish we were on friend terms and that annoys me to even want that.

 

One of the times she messaged me a big list of things about me that went something like this:

- I played video games too much.... I didn't get why she said this as I never gamed in front of her, the only time I mentioned them was when I was on the train commuting and I briefly said I was playing one when she was visiting home

- I watched too much TV or movies... doesn't make sense as the only time I mentioned TV/movies was when we were watching them together, which she enjoyed and laughed at a lot, and she even asked to borrow a DVD of a TV show from me before her flight (I never got this back of course)

- Fussy eater

- No confidence.... That's true but I actually thought I was confident around her even though I was feeling much anxiety while in the city around many people. I have more confidence now as I finally have clear skin and won't have braces much longer

- Her parents didn't approve of my character or career...I want to be a translator so I don't know why that's lacking approval, her mom seemed to like me from what I was told and offered to pay to fly me to visit them sometime, so I'm not sure how true this is either

- I wasn't kind...this annoyed me a lot because we never had one argument and every conversation we ever had was positive or sweet. I'd given her flowers, chocolate, jewellery, gave her advice personally & on her university work, and always made effort to see her.

 

I can't remember the rest but I was completely floored when reading this stuff. It's like I was in a different relationship or something.

 

 

 

I admire your honesty.

 

You would probably benefit from so therapy aimed at understanding why you behaved this way, and how to make sure that it doesn't happen again. It might also help with your unhappiness about how you behaved.

 

Thanks! I think so as well though I'm not sure if I could open up to someone in person about this stuff, maybe I should look at a phone line or something if it happens again, or I'll suck it up and try to see someone in person.

 

I feel like I'm getting better about my own guilt and forgiving myself but something is still holding me back a little. In my head I'm thinking that ok, it was just some non-threatening messaging online, but of course I took it to an extreme which still makes me feel bad, but it could have been so much worse had I been malicious. This is comforting but I still feel stupid and bad.

 

Why are you so embarrassed? This girl is 100% nothing special and I'll tell you why. I can see what type of person she is...manipulates you until the last second when someone else commits to her. So she runs away from the confrontation of letting you down / telling you the truth / having to lie more, so she tries to turn it around make you feel like the bad guy. You're not.

 

She knew you were suffering and she CONTINUED to let you torture yourself. There is no excuse for your excessive behavior, but why are you acting like her approval is so important? An exes approval should be the least important thing to strive for...why would you even care what she thinks?

 

One of the most attractive qualities you could have as a man, other than confidence, is ability to have self control. To control yourself and be able to not spiral downwards like you did. I want you to get to the point where you don't even think about this girl or care about her thoughts of you. You need to come to a realization that her image of you is going to forever be there and never go away...and who cares? You shouldn't. I know you have the self control because you displayed it with your most recent breakup.

 

You can easily turn this into the best thing that has ever happened to you. You lost a girl who didn't love you and you learned about some major flaws within your self. This is awesome. Want to know why? Because now you can find a girl who does love you and you can improve on your flaws / problems. There is only up from here now man. Don't ever shy away from what you did because its a chance for you to become something greater and improve. I'm happy to see youve realized a lot of your problems and that's the first step.

 

It's annoying as I think you are right but I still fail to really hold it against her and let how she treated me overwrite the nice times I had with her. I have a big sense of disbelief that she just flipped on me like she did and that's all on her, I feel like I must be an outlying case and that she'd never do it to someone else because I still can't believe what happened between us, everything was going so well. I just do not get it.

 

The reason it is important for me is because of the above I think, to me I still hold her character in high regard since I think I was the problem sometimes, I could never have imagined this coming from her.

 

My self control really is terrible, I spend so much time on the Internet or inside that it's easy to end up bored and then dwelling on things. I'm definitely better than I was but I still spend too much time doing a whole lot of nothing, when there's actually so much I could be doing, though my mind often drifts to my mistakes and also thinking of her.

 

Trying to improve myself for sure and I've made *some* progress. What this girl did has made me feel like a bad person not only because of her complete rejection of me but also because of what I did in response. It's...actually all of this made me unhappiest I've been in my life, I know that makes my life sound really lucky or easy (which has been true) I honestly feel that, it's much, much better now but I spent so many hours just sat in my room going over everything in my head and wondering how she is and why we could no longer talk together.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Hula

[Hula]

Is there a word for when you end up stuck thinking about something you shouldn't really care about? I feel like I don't care but I still get stuck thinking.

 

The importance I have placed on her opinion and attention is really annoying sometimes. I keep associating her with where she lives even though it's filled with millions of other people. I feel like I can't escape it sometimes as the city is often on the news or mentioned elsewhere. It's stupid as I know that a place doesn't revolve around one person, especially a big city, but it still happens.

 

I don't have romantic feelings for her anymore so I'm not sure why this can still be triggered. Maybe it's natural to make this association as the last times I was in the city was when I was with her or maybe it still is very stupid to make a city revolve around one person.

 

I have these thoughts go around in my head rapidly for a while and then they fade and everything's fine, but they repeat again the next day or the one after. I'm not sure why I care about what she is doing, I think I just hate rejection and want the option of being included. (or rather just not on bad terms)

 

Messaging her again is the easy way out of these thoughts but they'll only return later as its unlikely she will talk to me properly and let us patch things up, I don't wish to be friends but it's still an issue for me that we haven't been able to part on nicer terms. I want her to remember the person she spent hours talking to and said she loved, it frustrates me that she must think so negatively of me now even though some of that is my fault.

 

I don't want to message again but I'd be lying if I said there's no temptation to do it, it's just a lot easier to resist than it used to be. (I had no control at all before)

Edited January 8, 2015 by Hula

[Itspointless]

What you describe is familiar for most I think. It is for me. Everyday there is a moment that it pops into my head and I cannot understand it, and every day I clearly know that is exactly what happened. As it is the …th time. I have so gotten used to it that it has become irritating. It has to fade.

 

As for the associations, that is how our brain works

 

Do not message, it does not make it easier. Of-course we would have wanted a different reality, I know I do, but this is it.

[Hula]

What you describe is familiar for most I think. It is for me. Everyday there is a moment that it pops into my head and I cannot understand it, and every day I clearly know that is exactly what happened. As it is the …th time. I have so gotten used to it that it has become irritating. It has to fade.

 

As for the associations, that is how our brain works

 

Do not message, it does not make it easier. Of-course we would have wanted a different reality, I know I do, but this is it.

 

I see...I feel like I am in my own bubble sometimes and that what I am going through is unique to anyone else, it's not true but it feels like that sometimes.

 

How can I break those associations? The main issue I have is that I feel like I have to think them, or think through them to make the thoughts stop. It's...getting stuck on a thought. Is that a common thing? Maybe I should Google that.

 

It frustates me when I'm having a good day and then that enters my head and I let myself ponder on it for a split second and then get stuck reliving the past & wondering how she is. It's so dumb...