Why do unfaithful people blame their partners for their acts?

[Drspell12]

And why do, cheaters lie about it to you but stay by your side and tell you they love you and all those things?

 

 

 

is there a reason for this? Many?

I know it is a bit of a too general question, but I would like to hear what others think about this

[Simon Phoenix]

To justify the cheating in their own minds. Pretty simple.

[EgoJoe]

My Ex was halfway between an exit affair and a cake eater. The morbid details are on here but suffice it to say when I showed my backbone she showed me after over two years that she was incapable of honesty with even herself.

 

 

I was raged at for leaving with my stuff! I had cops called on me and I had to deal with fights over stuff she offered to give back to me.

 

 

She wanted to be civil after the fact but only to threaten me and try and control me over stuff! My love for her died then only the trauma remained and she tried to act like I wanted her back, delusional I dumped her!

 

 

Run away from the weak minded victim thinkers.

[Drspell12]

Mine broke up with me telling me I was the best man ever...

Then contacted me months down the road to tell me she actually broke up with me because she slept with her ex.

 

But she still had these philosophy of "but you kind of made me do it".

What the ****.... I am really pissed off

[Simon Phoenix]

Mine broke up with me telling me I was the best man ever...

Then contacted me months down the road to tell me she actually broke up with me because she slept with her ex.

 

But she still had these philosophy of "but you kind of made me do it".

What the ****.... I am really pissed off

 

You need to stop talking to her. Why are you even having these conversations? She broke up, she cheated, everything else is colored bubbles. Stop talking to her, stop trying to figure stuff out.

[EgoJoe]

Oh, give me more details. What did you say?

[Drspell12]

I stopped right after she told me that.

I didn't wanted to know anything else about the traitor anymore.

The last contact she made was the seemingly drunk text I posted about in here the other day. I just blocked her, but it took back the rage.

[FancyFace]

It is to justify their despicable behaviour. No matter how messed we are as humans, we intrinsically know what is right and wrong, cheating falls on the wrong side automatically. But what cheaters have the ability to do is rationalise their foul actions in order to absolve themselves of any guilt and avoid taking any responsibility.

 

My ex broke up with me after a very trivial argument, for which he blamed me for. Only for me to find out, it was because he found greener pastures in the form of fresh thighs of his co-worker and his ex. I blamed myself for the breakup which is exactly what he wanted from me, to absolve his guilt and it worked.

 

These kind of people are pieces of nonsense. Try not to dwell on it and move on.

[No Limit]

Because it's hard looking into the mirror knowing you are capable of a lot of bad things towards people who trust you. Because they're selfish and don't see that they did anything wrong. Because they're too afraid of their names being ruined. Because nobody likes to admit mistakes of this gravity.

 

I think I covered the more general reasonings. Can't tell you what goes on in the minds of the sociopaths and some other exceptions, and frankly, I don't even want to know.

[winnerwinnerchicken]

This is what mine did to me. Left me while i was at work for another guy pretty much out of pure adrenaline driven lust. Didnt know she was living with him, for a month I tried to talk to her. She blamed me for this, blamed me for that...only later to find out that it was because she was sleeping with him, this was the entire issue and not me..still hard not to blame myself in many ways though.

[Danda]

I believe that for many people there is no emotion more agonizing than guilt. A lot of people will do some pretty insane mental cartwheels to try to fend it off. It lies at the roots of most PD issues, that sheer terror of feeling guilt, whether the guilt is deserved or not. Usually for people with a PD, they were made to feel unnaturally and unjustly guilty/ashamed as children, and so they spend their entire adult lives living in sheer terror of feeling that way ever again, even when they need to experience that feeling in order to grow and become more whole, better people. Children made to feel fear or sadness usually fair way better than those emotionally abused via guilt, it's just that painful of an emotion. It's enough to send a narcissist into a lunatic rage, and enough to cause a person to spew pure nonsense and contradict themselves in the same sentence when panicked enough.

 

To sit with one's guilt and contemplate methods of redemption and self-improvement, is perhaps the most powerful form of personal growth there is, but it is also the most terrifying and painful. If you feel anything at all for people who can't handle it, feel pity for them, because they are forever trapped in fear, rage and madness. But don't allow that pity to suck you in.

[SycamoreCircle]

Mine...no, I do not wish to own anything about her...the person I was previously involved with...began to pick fights with me, insinuated breaking up pulling trivial reasons out of hat only to have me work double-time the following week(special dates and efforts) to try and patch up what was being sabotaged. The little actress! The whole while she'd been going over to the other guy's apartment while I was at work, baking him pies, slobbering all over him, then climbing back into bed with me bringing his stench. Gaslighting. Feigned anger. Devaluing me to her family and friends, telling all sorts of lies. Making me out to be an unmotivated, manipulative, negative eunuch. She told her family and friends that I'm no good in bed. This is after a year-long relationship and 6 months living with me.

 

After I exposed her, she exhibited a painting whose title alluded to being "emotionally blackmailed"---this is after 3 months NC.

 

Not one apology.

 

The raging narcissist she left me for, a man 20 years her senior who she "had so much in common with" posted Instagram photos of her in his bed while she was still living under my roof. When I exposed her, she had him accompany her to my apartment to help her pack. I was not there. Good thing, too. I would have dispensed some Jamaican justice on his sorry a**.

 

Their relationship lasted a few months.

 

I pray that one day this anger will finally leave me.

[NopeNah]

Because science!

[Drspell12]

That last response reminded me of Breaking Bad.

Oh... And she liked the character of Jane. Wow.

[Drspell12]

Why would I want to be with a cheater?

It still hurts tough

[coolheadal]

Way to many out there the Serial Cheaters are the worst type and they don't have a problem doing it. So many men at their beck and call. You trying to make things work but then you find out it's a loosing battle. Can you compete with other man giving your SC GF things you can't get her to live on. To many involved. And most of all she'll just blame you like it's your problem and all she does it okay in her head (mind). Like mother like daughter. If the mom did it she was cool about doing too.

[EgoJoe]

There are tools who make less money and living with mom out there without grown man bills that pull this bs all of the time.

 

 

Women who go for that crap are not worth keeping and will eventually meet someone who is worse than them.

 

 

Every player eventually gets played by a better player. The best players opt out.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Because these people are just horrible, selfish, nasty, ****ed up that they can't deal in the real world as a decent, honest human being, hence it's always everyone else's fault but their own!!!

[SycamoreCircle]

Sometimes I think that whenever I have a spell of anger or excessive emotion about the whole thing, it is Her on the other side feeling guilty or blaming or keeping up whatever distorted notion of reality she abides by these days.

[Drspell12]

Sometimes I think that whenever I have a spell of anger or excessive emotion about the whole thing, it is Her on the other side feeling guilty or blaming or keeping up whatever distorted notion of reality she abides by these days.

 

Well then, just remember this so the next time you feel like it you see her as a truly pathetic person.

[EgoJoe]

That could be projection Sycamore, an odd quantum-emotional-entanglement dashed with a bit of juxtaposition form of projection, haha.

[hoping2heal]

Emotional immaturity and rationalization. Easier to blame someone else than take responsibility for one's own shortcomings.

 

Also, we love in the "I didn't mean for it to happen" era where hoards of people are so entirely self-unaware they seem to not realize you won't fall in love with someone if you don't open yourself up to them. I have to laugh at the people who meet someone, build a bond, continue fostering the bond. Feed the hell out of the bond and then one day..."I just don't know what happened..I didn't mean for it to"

 

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[sober and dry]

Emotional immaturity and rationalization. Easier to blame someone else than take responsibility for one's own shortcomings.

 

Also, we love in the "I didn't mean for it to happen" era where hoards of people are so entirely self-unaware they seem to not realize you won't fall in love with someone if you don't open yourself up to them. I have to laugh at the people who meet someone, build a bond, continue fostering the bond. Feed the hell out of the bond and then one day..."I just don't know what happened..I didn't mean for it to"

 

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

That's just my ex

[littleblackheart]

I think the worst thing you could do is to go over it in constantly in your mind - it puts you in the position of perpetual victimhood, and it's not healthy. After the admission, the leaving, more revelations, going through all sorts of emotions (betrayal is an overwhelming feeling), I just look at my ex as a very flawed human being. Sure he hurt me quite badly, and I think being single will be my status of choice for a long time but I've just decided to remember his good traits (he had a couple, still has) and leave the rest behind. I could see the anger eating me alive and I didn't really want to let it define me. I still have times when I wonder why but then remember I have better things to do. Hurt, rationalising (or attempts at it) are all part of the process but if you're still standing, that's what matters.

 

If you're in that boat OP (and for everyone else who is) - ((major new year hugs all round))

Edited December 27, 2014 by littleblackheart

[ktya]

And why do, cheaters lie about it to you but stay by your side and tell you they love you and all those things?

 

is there a reason for this? Many?

I know it is a bit of a too general question, but I would like to hear what others think about this

 

For a more in depth dissertation on this subject consult the book "not just friends" by shirley glass. That is where i gleaned the opinions i mention below. I got the book after discovering my gf of 6 years had had an 8 month long affair with my married friend and business partner. It was very helpful in understanding the bizarre actions of the cheating spouse and it was deadly accurate.

 

The cheating spouse (were talking affairs mostly here, not one night drunken sex that is regretted instantly) starts as friends with a member of the opposite sex. Things begin innocently enough but then at some point they make the mistake of sharing details of intimate disagreements and frustrations within the relationship.

 

The (soon to be) affair partner offers counsel and consistently takes the side of the (soon to be) cheating spouse. This opens the pandoras box of an emotional window between the cheating spouse and affair partner. When the cheating spouse engages the actual spouse this agreeable wonderful affair partner looms large in every disagreement, and the cheating spouse starts to make comparisons between the affair partner and the spouse, fostering resentment of the spouse.

 

In many cases, as nothing has happened yet, the cheating spouse will start to bring up the affair partner by name in these contrasts openly. Sensing something is wrong and with escalating internal conflict between the spouses the non cheating spouse will try to shut out the affair partner, to the cheating spouses great resentment.

 

At this point the affair partner and the cheating spouse will go underground, often talking quite negatively of the non cheating spouse, forming a tight emotional bond which accellerates due to the secrecy involved.

 

The cheating spouse will make many more contrasts privately in an ever growing negative light between the affair partner and the non cheating spouse. Thing is, the non cheating spouse cannot hope to compete with the idealistic and largely dreamed up view of the affair partner.

 

A relationship is an ongoing thing which must be nurtured and compromises must be made. The affair partners relationship with the cheating spouse is at best part time due to both the secrecy plus the non cheating spouses ever growing suspicion that something is wrong.

 

At this stage, the cheating spouse is likely to trigger conflict on purpose, using the fight as an excuse to leave so they can contact or meet with the affair partner. By this point the non cheating spouse is getting the icky yucky side of the cheating spouse and all the good side of the cheating spouse is reserved for the affair partner, who is at this point getting ever increasing amounts of the cheating spouses time. Most of the time the spouses spend together becomes conflict, or the non cheating spouse dealing with a heavily withdrawn spouse.

 

The cheating spouse merely resents the non cheating spouse by this point. They are now merely an impediment blocking them from spending time with the affair partner.

 

At this point, if it hasnt already, the affair is very much in danger of transgressing from the emotional to the physical - often by the initiation of the cheating spouse. Because of the cheating spouses resentment and withdrawal, in an ironic catch 22 they are now highly craving intimacy. While it is their own actions that made it impossible for the non cheating spouse to initiate intimacy and to rebuild the bond, they blame the non cheating spouse for going physical, because h/she is not meeting their needs.

 

Some time transpires and this sorry state of affairs continues, until the non cheating spouse discovers the affair, which puts the simmering ongoing conflict all into perspective and the cheating spouse is now forced to be accountable and account for the affair.

 

At this point the cheating spouse is highly resentful, in effect blaming the victim for their own actions, often openly. This cutting off of the affair partner from the cheating spouse is like a severe drug withdrawal. The cheating spouse has emotionally cut off the non cheating spouse emotionally and craves the affair partner.

 

Often, it is at this time, in the aftermath of discovery, the cheating spouse will give everything to try to start a relationship with the affair partner. Usually the affair partner will decline and withdraw, causing even more resentment towards the non cheating spouse. The thought process is, "if you never found yout, i could still be with h/she!! How dare you"

 

Usually if the cheating spouse and affair partner do decide to get together, the relationship is a rocky one destined for failure. The affair partner will begin to learn that there is another side to all of the gripes the cheating partner and the cheating partner will grow to learn that most of what they beleived a relationship with the affair partner was actually their own delusion they dreamed up in their head.

 

If the cheating partner and the faithful partner decide to work it out, this resentment on the part of the cheating partner will simmer over a very long time. This resentment will be made worse by the non cheating partners demands for accountability due to the cheating partners gross violation of trust.

 

The only way for "working it out" to ever work is full disclosure. The cheating partner must give all the graphic details of the secret relationship as the non cheating spouse requests. The cheating partner must also make a very conscious decision to be remorseful of the pain they caused and must do everything they can to "make it up" to the victimized spouse.

 

Most post affair attempts to work things out fail at this point, due to the fact that the hardened resentments built during and in the aftermath of the affair are hard to let go of. There will be relapses whereby they try to restart the affair and emotionally reconnect with the affair partner, and if this proves impossible they may stumble right into another affair looking for that emotional connection without having to face responsibility for their own gross violation of trust.

 

So there you have it, where the "blame the victim" mentality comes from in affairs. One night drunken stands usually wont go through these phases unless the two partners are very immature.

Edited December 27, 2014 by ktya