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Why are there so many versions of NC?


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As the title says. Why? I've read many articles, blogs, websites, and etc. I understand that the basic concept of NC is a healing process and improving yourself. So why are there so many versions of it? Some say NC is horse**** and immature, some swear their life on it, others say do NC for a short time, others say NC until you are ready. Or don't ever contact them again until they contact you or just move on period. I'm a hopeless romantic. This whole NC thing is messing with my head, maybe its the hurt me still talking. I can be pretty damn stubborn, but I don't believe in giving up until I have given it my all. Is it really over after she said she doesn't wish to date me and to move on, but I know she is very indecisive about everything.

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Simon Phoenix
As the title says. Why? I've read many articles, blogs, websites, and etc. I understand that the basic concept of NC is a healing process and improving yourself. So why are there so many versions of it? Some say NC is horse**** and immature, some swear their life on it, others say do NC for a short time, others say NC until you are ready. Or don't ever contact them again until they contact you or just move on period. I'm a hopeless romantic. This whole NC thing is messing with my head, maybe its the hurt me still talking. I can be pretty damn stubborn, but I don't believe in giving up until I have given it my all. Is it really over after she said she doesn't wish to date me and to move on, but I know she is very indecisive about everything.

 

Yes it's over. She broke up with you, that's the definition of over. You fight in the relationship, not after its broken. By trying to argue with her and make her come back to you, you don't look heroic. You look like a chump. It's up to her to reconsider on her own if she chooses. Don't fight for her and pressure her - you'll put her off more. People don't like being manipulated. So back off.

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Batt, you have hit on a very interesting subject there.

 

What seems to work for me is going NC until wife contacts me. I will never be rude and if she asks me how I'm doing, I'll give a straight answer with little embellishment (this evolved from me talking too much or "opening up the lines of communication" and getting shut-down over and over.)

 

See, she is not necessarily NC. It's not something we agreed upon, it's just what I'm doing because she asked for space.

 

Then again, I will give a greeting on a special day like today. For some, this will cause problems. It depends on where your relationship is. I'll let you know when and if I get a response :eek: but no matter what, I will not regret it because it's from my heart.

 

100 years ago there was no defined concept of NC, and people did what they felt they should do. I for one still believe one needs to follow their heart. Going NC does help in several ways, but I don't believe it's hard and fast.

 

Bottom line, the concept is to allow yourself time to heal. If you're in contact, you open up the wounds over and over or keep your veil of denial pulled. Both need time to heal. Besides, it drives the other party crazy because they wonder what you're doing (or are happier you are leaving them alone.) Again, it depends on the people involved and where your relationship is.

 

This is why there in no one-size-fits-all NC rule. If you are the one who wants to end it and you're sure and there is absolutely no doubt, then it's obvious. But, who is amongst that group in the early stages? I'm certainly not, nor is my wife.

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Marco Valerio
Yes it's over. She broke up with you, that's the definition of over. You fight in the relationship, not after its broken. By trying to argue with her and make her come back to you, you don't look heroic. You look like a chump. It's up to her to reconsider on her own if she chooses. Don't fight for her and pressure her - you'll put her off more. People don't like being manipulated. So back off.

 

 

I couldn't agree more !!!

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Don't block as it shows you are bothered. That's what I've learnt recently- delete number, fb etc but I will not block. Just rise above it and have the strength not too respond. Strict NC and disappear.

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I never intended to use NC as a ways of manipulating her, though I can see how some may view it that way. It just bothers me so much because I feel there was miscommunication between both of us. Just sucks because shes not willing to talk about anything. I just need to stick to NC and not go over everything in my head since its doing a number on me.

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I'm currently fighting temptation to contact my ex as there are some questions that we left unanswered. But I believe it's really just a question of accepting the fact I will never know everything and I just have to deal with it, as much as it hurts right now.

 

But about the whole NC thing, I think it really depends on the people. Maybe some people deal well with maintaining contact with their exes and if they're still on friendly terms, I'm not against it. But other people can't deal with it. I know I don't. There's no way in hell I will forget him if I still talk to him, it's just too painful.

 

I didn't block him either, I just stopped following him on FB so that I never come across any of his stuff again.

 

Another thing I did was change his name on my phone to "You can do better". That way, if for some reason I have a breakdown and decide to text or call him, I'll be reminded his name is that one now for a reason and maybe that'll prevent me from proceeding. It may help.

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There are many versions because there are many lost, newly heartbroken people who

are using it as ploy to get a reaction from dumper.

 

It is a ploy to become the become a better person and gain clarity.

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I'm using it to get myself better and clear my head. Of course we are all upset about the breakup, seeing that person makes things worse.

 

I'm not saying I'll never ever speak to her again in a million years, but right now, I'm not going to contact her whatsoever. If she contacts me, I'll be cordial about it, but won't engage in regular contact.

 

Maybe somewhere down the line we'll be okay to chat, but it's not yet and probably wont be for a good long while.

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Simon Phoenix
I never intended to use NC as a ways of manipulating her, though I can see how some may view it that way. It just bothers me so much because I feel there was miscommunication between both of us. Just sucks because shes not willing to talk about anything. I just need to stick to NC and not go over everything in my head since its doing a number on me.

 

That might not be the intention, but that will be her perception, which is why it's best to back off. The fact that she doesn't care to hear you out or doesn't want an explanation of the miscommunication from you is pretty telling. Ruminating and going over stuff in your head is normal and frustrating as hell, but it will fade with time.

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Simon Phoenix
Maybe some people deal well with maintaining contact with their exes and if they're still on friendly terms, I'm not against it.

 

The vast majority of dumpees do not fit in this statement. Many dumpers are fine with contact with their exes because they went through all of the breakup coping steps in their head before cutting the cord, so they are ok with seeing the dumpee with no feelings involved. But it takes months/years, if ever, for a dumpee to get to that point. And very few can get to that point without a significant amount of No Contact.

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Just sucks because shes not willing to talk about anything. I just need to stick to NC and not go over everything in my head since its doing a number on me.

 

I'll tell you a secret. Knowing helps nothing.

 

I know why I got dumped and it hurts just as badly; and there is still no fixing it.

 

It's best if you don't try to figure it out. Even knowing why she dumped me, I still wonder why she dumped me!! I mean, I know the reason, I just don't know how she could do it.

 

It's torture and it's the particular Hell we must live in. The dumpers live in their own Hell of guilt.

 

The dumper will never hurt the way they made you hurt - but on the other hand they have to live without forgiveness, validation, or a new rationalization for what they've done.

That is a special kind of hell. Reserved for those special few.

 

Very well said!

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I'll tell you a secret. Knowing helps nothing.

 

I know why I got dumped and it hurts just as badly; and there is still no fixing it.

 

It's best if you don't try to figure it out. Even knowing why she dumped me, I still wonder why she dumped me!! I mean, I know the reason, I just don't know how she could do it.

 

It's torture and it's the particular Hell we must live in. The dumpers live in their own Hell of guilt.

 

I agree, I stopped myself from asking any questions or even thinking about asking her for 'closure' answers early on, and made peace with myself instead. If things didn't work out it's because we were different people and there's nothing wrong with that. In my head we both did what we could, and I'm certainly not to blame (I also don't think she is in this case).

 

You gotta fight your own demons, nobody else can do it for you.

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I guess there are so many versions of NC because people will interpret it differently.

 

I have always viewed NC as a tool for helping me move on. A period of time where I could distance myself from that person. I have used NC in the past and it certainly did help me heal and like yourself - I was stubborn and when I was not using NC is when it hurt me the most.

 

I do not see NC as being immature at all. When you break up - you are out of that person's life. If it is too emotionally hurtful to "be their friend" and I think for most people who have been serious; a break up IS too hurtful then you shouldn't have to keep up appearances for anyone.

 

Some people think NC is a tool to get your ex back. Just ignore them and they will come running...I am sure that does happen, especially with people who are immature, inexperiences, and unsure of themselves. Sometimes running back to an ex is a welcome comfort or an ego stroke but if a person dumped you then chances are those same reasons still exist and will return and you will end up dumped again.

I don't consider NC an emotional game you play. Ignoring so they will have interest in you. Again, you will think about the person enough as it is without having to see them or what they say/think/ and feel and overanalyzing it to death because you decide to stay in their lives.

 

Not sure you can wait til you're ready for NC..I mean are you ever really "Ready" to say goodbye to someone that you love? Yet. that is the reality of a break up.

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Well take it from a dumper's perspective:

 

As the dumper, I didn't owe my ex anything, not even an explanation. Gods know that we had enough arguments and I explained myself enough times, but all of that talking and arguing was for the sake of trying to salvage the relationship. When the relationship is over, there is no point in discussing/arguing anymore. There is nothing left to be fixed or salvaged. When my feelings of romance for him were dead, they were dead. Gone. Done. Sending short novel emails back and forth would have dragged out more drama, more anger and more pain, for nothing, no reason.

 

If she's not willing to talk about anything, it's because she knows there is no point in talking about anything. It will only make her more upset, possibly make you more upset. If she was vengeful and hated your guts, then maybe she'd be willing to 'hash it out' a few more rounds just to give you a piece of her mind and hopefully send you running with your tail between your legs. The fact that she doesn't want to talk is actually a good sign. It means she values peace and stability more than trading jabs with you while watching you flail in futility.

 

The thing about dumpers, in many cases, is that we know you dumpees are going to see the light eventually. You're going to realize all of the ways in which we were not good for you. And if we're not a total bitch or a-hole, we're going to give you the time and space to see that light, instead of hammering on you about all the ways that you were not good for us, because that latter option will probably just make you even more desperate and miserable and so it's just plain cruel with no point to it.

 

If she refuses to talk with you, take it as the blessing that it is. The other scenario is a dumper ex who doesn't want you, but doesn't want you to move on, either, and that's when NC becomes not only a coping/healing mechanism but a self-defense tactic, as well.

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I guess there are so many versions of NC because people will interpret it differently.

 

I have always viewed NC as a tool for helping me move on. A period of time where I could distance myself from that person. I have used NC in the past and it certainly did help me heal and like yourself - I was stubborn and when I was not using NC is when it hurt me the most.

 

I do not see NC as being immature at all. When you break up - you are out of that person's life. If it is too emotionally hurtful to "be their friend" and I think for most people who have been serious; a break up IS too hurtful then you shouldn't have to keep up appearances for anyone.

 

Some people think NC is a tool to get your ex back. Just ignore them and they will come running...I am sure that does happen, especially with people who are immature, inexperiences, and unsure of themselves. Sometimes running back to an ex is a welcome comfort or an ego stroke but if a person dumped you then chances are those same reasons still exist and will return and you will end up dumped again.

I don't consider NC an emotional game you play. Ignoring so they will have interest in you. Again, you will think about the person enough as it is without having to see them or what they say/think/ and feel and overanalyzing it to death because you decide to stay in their lives.

 

Not sure you can wait til you're ready for NC..I mean are you ever really "Ready" to say goodbye to someone that you love? Yet. that is the reality of a break up.

 

Thanks, that helped a lot. People that know us saw her red flags and so did I but I chose to ignore them. A lot of people have told me I dodged a bullet when I was dumped and that I should be grateful. Either way I've quit smoking and started going back to the gym so that's good.

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