No closure

[welshbambi]

10 months ago, I decided to leave my boyfriend of 7 years. It was a loveless, sexless relationship and I will never be sure why I stayed. Three weeks after leaving, I met a guy online and we hit it off BIG TIME. Same likes and dislikes, outlook on life, everything. I hadn't been looking for anything at all, so you could call it right place right time. We decided within a couple of days we just had to meet. All of our contact up until that point had been written, we had not even heard eachother's voices. The evening for our first date came and we saw eachother and didn't even speak, we just melted into the most incredible, earth shattering kiss. It was like something from the movies.

 

From that night on, for the next 7 months, it was intense and incredible. We both said we felt we had met our soulmate and that this was it for both of us. Spiritually and physically I didn't think I had ever met anyone so amazing or perfect for me. He said the same about me.

 

He came with some baggage - an ex-wife and two kids, he lived about an hour away (but didn't drive) and he also had a history with depression and episodic breakdowns. But we had both been pretty open and I'm a tough cookie and unbreakably loyal to the people I love, so none of the above seemed insurmountable. I believed that if we loved eachother and kept communication open, it would all work out.

 

He had his kids every weekend and we were taking it slow introducing me after we had been together about 4 months. But every Sunday to Thursday he would take the train up every night and back to work every morning to so we could be together. I said that if he needed a night off ever to just say but he was adamant he wanted to be at mine with me.

 

He started going downhill in September, but wasn't really pushing me away at that point. He wasn't messaging at weekends as much. His ex-wife at that point decided that she didn't want me being around the kids until she said otherwise, so we could spend no time at all together at weekends. He also lives for his kids and the threat of not being allowed to see them himself was very unsettling.

 

Then he got signed off in October because of his depression. He was a little more distant but that's what depression does so I tried not to sweat it. I had booked a magical mini break for us in the third week of November. It was absolutely wonderful and we were close and intimate for all of it.

 

Four days after we got back, he ended it. This was on a Monday. He said that the man I had met was a lie, that he had wanted to break his depression and try to be happy but actually this is who he was. That he just didn't think he could handle a relationship after all. It was all kind of mumbled, and couple of things he said ever so slightly suggested that he wanted to keep the door open for when he got better, but despite my assurances that I didn't want this to end and was willing to ride this out with him, he just sat silently waiting for me to leave.

 

I was devastated. We had just shared an incredible trip and rather than reinforce our bond, he had done a 180.

 

The morning after he mumbled his break up, he was right back in touch with an ex from ages ago. I don't think he met up with her but I was hurt that the first thing he would do would be that!

 

For that first week, I only sent 2 text messages, a good morning on one occasion and then a goodnight on another. Both went unanswered. I wanted to let him know that I was thinking of him and didn't want him to think I had abandoned him, but I also didn't want to be naggy and needy and clingy by sending messages in case that was just as bad. So I decided to put together a "care package" with some of his favourite books and snacks and other bits and pieces like pics of his kids and family (only one of me and him after his friends said I should). I left this with his friends for him to pick up. This was the Saturday, 6 days after he ended it. On the following Monday I thought, stuff this, I have nothing to lose that I haven't already, so I called. I reassured him that I still wanted in if he had any doubt about whether this was the right thing to do. He said nothing, no replies to most of the things I said.

 

I realised that no matter how hard I tried, how many trains I threw myself under for him, I had no control over his actions or his decision to cut me out of his life. I had made it clear through his friends and through my actions that I was there for him but I also knew that breaking myself in trying to fix him would do no one any good.

 

So I went NC. To this day, I have not heard anything. Today is exactly a whole month after we spent 8 amazing months together. He was the one that told me he loved me first, the one who said that I was his soulmate, the one who said that until he met me he could not see anything in his future except his kids and now he felt his life was complete.

 

I know he has slept with 2 girls since breaking up with me. One about a fortnight after inviting her over whilst 1) she was drunk and 2) his kids were there - he was always very delicate about having me over to stay so it wouldn't be confusing for the kids. The second one was two nights ago. It has really hurt me, although at the same time I am reminding myself that it's nothing to do with me anymore.

 

Even though my head knows that I am better off without him in the long - the ex wife alone would have been a challenge but all the other things that went with would have made it tough), my heart knows how special our time was and I am missing how he made me feel. The sex was incredible, the things that were said to eachother, the experiences shared. I don't think that can be found again, but equally now I don't know how much of it was pretence on his part so I feel I have been conned - it has tainted all the lovely memories I have of us.

 

There is so much more to this story but it would take forever! Definitely a TL;DR situation so I have tried to keep the key stuff in.

 

So I guess I am looking for some perspectives of others on the following:

1) Do you think he misses me AT ALL?

2) What do you think it means that he hasn't been in touch at all, not even to say thank you for the care package?

3) He still has stuff at my place, some of which he is definitely going to need come next Spring, so why do you think he hasn't asked for it?

4) Has anyone been the breaker who went NC despite anything - and did you regret it but feel there was no way back?

 

I guess I am just trying to figure out whether I really did mean anything to him, or if I was just collateral in his experiment to be happy.

[mangetout]

Sigh. Reading your post reminded me of the head games my ex put me through. I still have my exes furniture my my house but it means nothing to him.

 

I know this is hard because it hurts to think he no longer cares. I am sure he still does. But at the end of the day he chose to walk away.

 

My ex said the most amazing things to me but his actions showed different. Believe his actions because this is the real him. Start focusing on getting yourself back on track. It's the only way forward in this miserable situation

[welshbambi]

My head totally gets his actions and knows that i am worth better. My heart is finding it difficult to let go of that guy I fell in love with, the guy who gave me the love I had always wanted. Or pretended to give...............I just don't know anymore.

 

As for his stuff, well, it's kit worth about £500 for a hobby of his that is very important to him. He only attends events a couple of times a year and he definitely does not have the money to replace it all, so he has to try and get it back somehow.

 

In some sick, twisted way, I kind of fantasize about him asking for it back, and that being my opportunity to be completely "whatever bruh" with him about it. I;ve lost about a stone in weight since he left and I am looking good, so I kind of want to rub that in his face - that I am absolutely fine and indifferent (even if I'm not really). It's passive aggressive I know, but it would be a sort of flipping the bird at him that I never got to do.

 

And I absolutely agree on looking after myself - I have written a list of things that I want to do in 2015, including horseriding, circus skills and getting a massive tattoo (I have wanted it for years). Nothing was stopping me from doing any of that before, but I thought what better way to treat myself than realising some of my wants in life? I will admit that some of the things I want to do, like traveling, are better with other people. All of my friends are married off and wouldn't ahve the cash to take a separate trip with me, but I figure if I can do it on my own and enjoy it, then I will appreciate it all the more if I find someone else again.

Edited December 25, 2014 by welshbambi

[dumbass2]

As the above poster said, take the actions over words 100% of the time. That will tell you what you need to know.

 

 

1) Do you think he misses me AT ALL? It doesn't matter at this point so please try not to to ask yourself this.If he does, he would say it and get back with you and he's not.

2) What do you think it means that he hasn't been in touch at all, not even to say thank you for the care package? He's with someone else. You still care and he doesn't

3) He still has stuff at my place, some of which he is definitely going to need come next Spring, so why do you think he hasn't asked for it? The stuff either doesn't matter or he wants some excuse to be able to contact you down the road if things don't work out and he can't find anything better. Get rid of the stuff now. Mail it to him or drop it off when he's not around or have someone do it for you.

4) Has anyone been the breaker who went NC despite anything - and did you regret it but feel there was no way back? The only way back is if he initiates it. You should stay NC and try to get through this. If her contacts you down the road you can deal with it then if you like, but don't wait for him and hold out any hope. My ex contacted me after months of NC and I am now in a better place to deal with it and there is where you need to get to. My ex doesn't matter so much to me any more and I no longer need her. It's a good feeling to have.

I guess I am just trying to figure out whether I really did mean anything to him, or if I was just collateral in his experiment to be happy. It doesmatterwhat he thinks or thought. I'm sure you did mean something to him when you were together. you're not any more by his decision. All that matter is that it sounds like you had a wonderful 8 months and you got a lot out of it.

[Zzyxx]

That's really rough. I'm sorry you're going through this. Like you said on my thread, I think today and the fact it's holiday season is going to exacerbate our pain. I used to live in Wales, absolutely love it there, so I know for a fact there are plenty of nice guys there when you are ready to date again

 

As for your questions, unfortunately, either he is a giant giant douchebag, or his depression is making him act like one, either way, and not to be harsh here, but sometimes we need to hear it, is that his actions and lack of words are saying he just doesn't care about you anymore. I know how much this hurts cause my ex could give less than a flying f about me after 2.5 years together, and like I said, I've now seen how much happier she is without me, and that's the kicker.

 

We all want to believe (or at least I did) that our ex's will go on to lead miserable lives, or regret dumping us, and want us back, and sometimes that's just not the case. My ex was kind of a miserable person (I also helped nurse her through depression, workaholism, and LITERALLY 3 days after she got laid off and got a huge severance package and was no longer depressed she dumped me) so I also know what it's like for people to pull the "I'm depressed card so I'm going to treat you badly" which hey, depression does happen and that can be an effect, but that doesn't mean we deserve less.

 

As for NC, you just got to do it. I had to go LC with my ex because we lived together and had joint accounts so we had to be in some contact and it was terrible. I'm working on separating our last joint account, so hopefully after this I will never have to speak to her again. Even not speaking to her now though, just seeing how much happier she is in pictures without me in her life is torture. She never looked that happy when we were together even though I did everything in my power to support her and try and be a good gf. So I think NC is the only thing at this point that can really protect you.

 

If he needs his stuff back then he can call you and you can leave it on the sidewalk

[welshbambi]

All of the above is sense and thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

I think perhaps I have watched too many movies where people come running back in the rain to declare their undying love.

 

The fact is he is now chasing this girl he slept with, focussing all his attention on her. A part of me wonders if he is doing that to block me out, the other more reality-focussed part of me painfully acknowledges that perhaps that's what he wanted to do all along.

 

Do you know the best bit? I PAID FOR THAT TRIP. It was to a treehouse and between travel costs and food (he had expensive steaks each meal out we had) I must have spent about £500. He didn't pay a bean. I wonder if he only hung on to get the trip.

 

Come on karma! Come and get him!!!!

[welshbambi]

By the way, I am resolute with the NC thing. So so so so tempting, whether something casual, something lovely or something hateful, but I have not broken yet and nor will I.

[Trimmer]

I know he has slept with 2 girls since breaking up with me. One about a fortnight after inviting her over whilst 1) she was drunk and 2) his kids were there - he was always very delicate about having me over to stay so it wouldn't be confusing for the kids. The second one was two nights ago. It has really hurt me, although at the same time I am reminding myself that it's nothing to do with me anymore.

I suggest that if you know this much detail about who he is sleeping with, you are going to want to tighten up your NC a little bit. (A lot!) You really want to disconnect from receiving any kind of information of this sort at any level of detail.

 

1) Do you think he misses me AT ALL?

I don't mean this to be harsh, as I have great empathy for your situation and your hurt, but all you can do is go on his actions, and his actions don't seem to indicate that he does. Instead of deciding whether he does or does not miss you, work on the idea that it doesn't matter, because he is not reaching out to you at all.

 

2) What do you think it means that he hasn't been in touch at all, not even to say thank you for the care package?

He is gone, and he doesn't want anything to change about the current status of your relationship.

 

3) He still has stuff at my place, some of which he is definitely going to need come next Spring, so why do you think he hasn't asked for it?

Don't know about the "why", and again: it doesn't matter. I agree with those who suggest that you should send it back somehow without making contact. Mail, or drop off when he's not around. Or maybe send it to his ex-wife; I'm sure she'd know how to get it to him. (OK, that last is definitely a shxt-stirring suggestion. Maybe don't do that...)

 

4) Has anyone been the breaker who went NC despite anything - and did you regret it but feel there was no way back?

Look I know you are looking for some soothing explanation to a painful situation: you are looking at his behavior and trying to force-fit some alternate explanation that sounds a little more hopeful and a little less horrible. I get this: I did it extensively when my wife left me... But in the end, you have to go on what you see: he left, he isn't contacting you in any way, and (unfortunately for your emotions, but perhaps fortunately for your objective view of the situation) you know that he has slept with not one, but two women - in what, less than a month? - since he left.

 

At some point, you have to go with the simplest story that explains what you can see.

I guess I am just trying to figure out whether I really did mean anything to him, or if I was just collateral in his experiment to be happy.

With him departing so conclusively, you may never know that, and you may have to learn to live with it. It may be that the best you can do is to know that you were genuine, and fully invested, and loving, kind, caring, and supportive. That you were the best person you could be, and that you may just not be able to explain exactly what or who he was.

[Trimmer]

By the way, I am resolute with the NC thing. So so so so tempting, whether something casual, something lovely or something hateful, but I have not broken yet and nor will I.

Good for you - I fully support this (including not knowing who he is sleeping with, ha ha! )

 

Edited to add: Actually, let me touch on that last point to clarify just a bit... Sometimes people take "NC" as just staying away from direct contact, and they still do a bit of facebook stalking, etc... For your own good, PLEASE also break off any form of information gathering, even if it is "passive" and doesn't involve literal "contact." (Like, don't facebook stalk, don't even let your friends or mutual acquaintances feed you information, etc.) This will only cause pain...

[Zzyxx]

Excellent! You go girl, that's the way to do it. Not that it always helps, but it's vastly worse not to do it.

 

I also wonder how people can condition themselves to take advantage of other's kindness and then drop them like a bag of rocks. Similar to you paying for everything and treating him on the trip, one of my first thoughts when my ex was dumping me was, "how convenient that you're dumping me 3 days after you now have money and time and can relax and are happy, and not the months before when I was your source of emotional support when you were all stressed and hating your job, and I was cooking you dinner almost every night and keeping the apartment clean and organized and doing your laundry." She also broke up with me over a petty argument in which I warned her I was super emotional cause I was on my period and not to take anything I was saying personally cause it was the hormones talking. I realize now that when she figured out she didn't need me anymore, bam, then I was out. How convenient.

 

I hope you're right about the karma. I stopped believing in it since her life has only gotten better since she dumped me, taking vacations, going to concerts, basically doing everything I begged her to do with me when we were together but that she never wanted to do, and now suddenly with new girls she's a regular jet setter and going to sea side mansion hotels and shiz. Maybe karma just takes time to set in?

 

Anyway, I hope yours will work faster. Maybe one of these women will have the sense to see how he operates and then he'll be forced to be celibate and unhappy. You just keep doing your NC!

[welshbambi]

Trimmer, thank you for your very concise responses. If I am deeply honest, I know all of those answers myself. It just doesn't match up with the guy I knew until a month ago! But it does do me good, as painful as it is, to see them in cold hard text.

 

We are currently friends on facebook and instagram and I am thinking that perhaps I just need to cut that off. Rubbing it in his face how awesome my life is without him (ha) will then not be an option, but actually, he probbaly doesn' care anyway and it would only ease his guilt rather than make him feel wistful.

 

On a slightly deranged note, I have been fed a lot of information on him that could seriously stuff his life up. Luckily for him, although I like the idea of revenge, in reality I never think it's a good thing to do and you never walk off into the sunset satisfied like they do in the movies anyway.

 

ZZyxx - man that must suck. Sorry that probably doesn' help but I can't imagine...actually, I can. Mine is going out and having the time of his life!

 

Also, is it completely shallow that....well, his equipment, shall I say, was also perfect? Sometimes I wonder if that is what I am missing as much as anything else. It was a very rare find.

[FancyFace]

 

Come on karma! Come and get him!!!!

 

as much as I wish my ex nothing but ill will, 7 x 7 years of bad luck and just want him to suffer a horrid life of epic proportions, just know that most of the time when karma does hit him, you won't be around to see it. That is just how it works. The best part about karma is that by the time it rolls around, you probably won't even care.

[welshbambi]

You know what FancyFace? I cannot WAIT for the day that I just. Don't. Care.

[Zzyxx]

Also, is it completely shallow that....well, his equipment, shall I say, was also perfect? Sometimes I wonder if that is what I am missing as much as anything else. It was a very rare find.

 

 

I don't think it's shallow at all. I had a friend who only dated a guy for two months but when they broke up she mourned the loss of his perfect equipment for like 4 months after. She even factored that into all the self help breakup exercises that she did haha. My ex had great boobs, so yeah, I know that also compacts the pain. There had to be something bad he did in bed though, so maybe you can focus on that?

 

Also, maybe you could go out and have a rebound with a rugby player or something.

[Trimmer]

You know what FancyFace? I cannot WAIT for the day that I just. Don't. Care.

Yes yes yes.... That is, indeed, exactly what you should look forward to. This isn't my phrase, but it is said that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

 

As long as you want to get him back, want to see him get his comeuppance, then you are still nurturing a connection to him - and a pathological one at that.

 

To the degree that you can let go of even those negative connections, you will advance yourself toward the state of "indifference", which is your ultimate goal.

 

I'll also note that harboring karma/revenge fantasies keeps you connected to something that is now behind you, and that the best use of your energy is in looking and moving forward. The best way to do that is to eventually break all ties that are pulling your vision and your momentum back to the past.

 

I know it doesn't happen overnight, but this is why I counsel forgiveness and moving on. Not because the other person necessarily deserves forgiveness or your best wishes or anything (they almost certainly don't...), but because cutting ALL ties to your past is the best way to move forward, and even those revenge and karma fantasies - as understandable as they may be - are fairly strong ties to your past. These will be like a kind of an an anchor chain, impeding you as you try to move forward. Cut the chains to your past - look forward; move forward!

[welshbambi]

My email address starts "breakerofchains"

 

A GOT reference but.....yes, I am Khaleesi. I am no one's slave!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FYI I will probably still cry myself to sleep tonight. Very tough.

[FancyFace]

FYI I will probably still cry myself to sleep tonight. Very tough.

 

Its ok to cry, you get to let all the emotions out. So don't feel ashamed or downtrodden if you do cry. Just let it out but when you do wake up in the morning, see it as a clean slate and like Trimmer said look forward to move forward.

 

I have cried a lot today and probably will again so just know someone across the seas is wailing with you lol.

 

Stay strong.