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What just happened???


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Just a little lost here and could use a little perspective from some people that don't know me personally...

 

Mid/Late thirties, we've been dating for three months, but things had been going extremely well. This past weekend I had planned to surprise her with tickets to a show and a nice dinner as she had just come off of a very hard stretch at her work and most of our recent dates had consisted of little more then rest and watching T.V.

 

Those plans were for this past Friday (we had already planned to be together that day) when a few days beforehand she informed me a family member was coming into town and she would be picking him up at the airport Friday evening and rescheduled for Saturday, not a big deal and planned to try and switch the tickets.

 

Come Friday, she cancels again because she's getting together with family instead, still not a big deal, and actually worked out because there were no Saturday tickets but could get some for Sunday.

 

Come Saturday night, you guessed it cancels again for Sunday. Another family member is in town that she hasn't seen in awhile and she'd like to spend the day with him. I'm pretty annoyed at this point, but I can't really stand in the way of visiting family so I just said ok but and ended up giving the tickets away, later I did write her a message saying that while I understood how things had played out, I wanted her to know that it felt pretty lousy being cancelled on 3 times in as many days.

 

Sunday morning she calls in an uproar because I'm mad she cancelled on me (I wasn't mad, disappointed and a little rejected, but honestly never angry) I tried to explain that after working around her work schedule for so long, bow that she had time off I had been looking forward to spending some real time with her, but she wasn't hearing it. She was dead set that I was angry, and had no right, and everything else under the sun and I will admit, I found myself getting pretty defensive towards the end of the conversation.

 

So now I'm lost, I have no clue what happened and haven't heard from her since (we usually text several times a day). What am I missing? I thought I had handled things fairly well, but am I the one in the wrong here?

 

Tojaz

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Yes you were in the wrong. To yourself!!

 

You should be the one pissed and not her. You put up with too much and I have a feeling maybe you have been that way with her. Honeymoon period is over. Sounds like she could have another man in her life. Again, you should be the one that is pissed and don't even attempt to contact her right now. You have not done one thing to apologize for based on what you have said. You shouldn't have been defensive at the end, you should have been on the offensive and told her that you were angry. Don't be that "MR. Nice Guy", you'll get eaten alive.

Edited by dumbass2
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I'll echo the sentiments of EgoJoe, gaslighting.

 

She presented you with an impossible situation: You vs Family.

Then she purposely kept cancelling. She knew ALL weekend that she wasn't getting together with you. Any woman with even a remote ounce of interest would try to make it work somehow or make it up to you... and NOT get defensive about it.

 

Problem is, she set it up this way because she probably knew you would get upset. She has the unbreakable defense of "It's family." even if it's true or not. So no matter what, you were set up for a Kobiyashi Maru test.

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sounds like holiday stress to me.... doesn't mean it is repairable though and it might be over...

 

Tough time of year for everybody with extra time slots disappearing because of family commitments and the holiday leaves little time for yourself and then creates more stress...

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if you want to save it then text her and understanding apology and move on from this, if you think this is a red flag of more drama to continue then just don't do anything since she has already gone silent

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If a family member was to fly in town to visit me, I'd cancel the week end all together, or I'd invite you to tag along to the movies or the restaurant (depending on how close we'd be, granted).

 

Feels like she winged it with her "family member". May I also point out that if a family member was to be in town, I'd know ahead of time.

 

Either way, cancelling three times in a row IS lousy. You have the right to have plans, and a life on your own. Toying with you and treated you as a second option was plain disrespectful.

 

Delete, block, move on.

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SoThatHappened

She didn't cancel because of family.

 

There's someone else in the picture.

 

She blew up at you in order to make you out to be the bad guy so she can justify cheating/breaking up with you.

 

Textbook.

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Echoing EgoJoe. Gaslighting.

 

It's odd that she didn't know ahead of time that family members were heading down to her part of town? It's odd that she only decided to meet them at the last minute, specifically when it was always around the time she had to meet you. Rather odd that both "family members" that she decided to spend time with were male. Hmm.

 

She blew up at you to make you feel bad, when I have a strong feeling she's been doing something behind your back and turning it on you lessens her guilt. There's either someone else or she's not really into dating you. She's using "your fault" as an excuse to end it.

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Thanks everyone, pretty much a lot of the same conclusions that I came to myself, isn't it funny how easily someone you care about can make you doubt yourself?

 

I've been on LS for awhile and have read lot's of stories like this, so this stuff isn't really new to me for the most part, but what is unique is that she has never said she wanted to break up or anything to that effect, just disappeared. For all I know she could be lying in a ditch somewhere just as easy as cursing my name or doing whatever. Obviously logic tells me what is most likely, but it still drives me a little nuts to be left twisting in the wind. Why not just say your done and let that be that? That's a new game to me.

 

Tojaz

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That's why they call it dating.

 

It ain't pretty. It doesn't always make sense.

 

Could take 3 months for someone to reveal their true colors or 3 years...be thankful you only wasted 90 days.

 

It's all good. Just part of the single life.

 

Go find the next Mrs. Wrong and so long ;)

 

Keep your sense of humor.

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Exactly how it went down with me. Cancelled three times in a row, she pushed until I lashed so she

could rationalize.

 

It wasn't my opinion then, but now I know I had every right to be upset.

 

I would move on. Either way do not contact her at any cost.

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She didn't cancel because of family.

 

There's someone else in the picture.

 

She blew up at you in order to make you out to be the bad guy so she can justify cheating/breaking up with you.

 

Textbook.

 

 

 

You were cheated on.

 

 

Then she dumped you spinning that it was your fault.

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She's not going to break up with you, that's admission of guilt and fault to her. Because then she has to explain the "why" to you. It's much easier if she breaks up with you over you not being understanding of her "being with her family for Christmas".

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SoThatHappened
You were cheated on.

 

 

Then she dumped you spinning that it was your fault.

 

Yep. Except I broke up with her the second I found out.

 

Not that that matters. The partner who was cheated on is the one who gets hurt either way.

 

Seen it and read about it so many times here.

 

Like I said, it's textbook for a cheater. 99% certain that's what's going on here.

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Very often threads die without ever finding out what came next, so I thought I'd give an update....

 

Made contact a few days ago after pretty much deciding I was fine whatever happened, but deserved more then dead air. Ended up talking for hours and actually ended up learning a lot. She had taken offense to me calling her out on all the cancellations and was waiting for an apology. While I know how all that I said was intended, to be fair, I have to accept that she could have heard things any number of ways. So who knows?

 

She admitted that she could have handled things better on her end and that she really hadn't considered how offended I might be as she is a very family first person and sometime has trouble saying no to them. Understandable and a good thing to know, and she apologized.

 

For now, I'm chalking this up to holiday stress on both ends and some bad communication. So for now, and against most advice, I am moving forward with her.... all be it very cautiously.

 

TOJAZ

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I hope I'm very wrong here, but I smell manipulation...

 

 

Family oriented or not, the bell is not ringing true with her explanation. Nobody deeply involved with someone back seats them in the fashion she did with you unless there is something else in play.

 

Again, I hope I'm wrong and you know her better than any of us, but man does this seem shaky.

 

Hopefully it all goes well.

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She admitted that she could have handled things better on her end and that she really hadn't considered how offended I might be as she is a very family first person and sometime has trouble saying no to them. Understandable and a good thing to know, and she apologized.

 

Remember this, because it's going to come into play, again and again and again.

 

She has set up a scenario in which you won't be a priority and it is infallible.

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