musicalsteve82 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 My girlfriend of eight months dumped me two days ago. It started because she was upset I was occasionally on my cell phone when she took me to my birthday dinner (just to check who liked our status, no calls or texts). She got upset, and said she was upset I was often on my cell phone when we were together and that she had never met my parents. She said she didn't know how much longer she could take it. So I promptly arranged a time for her to meet them. That was Tuesday, December 9. I also promised to put my cell phone away whenever we were together. I called her on Thursday and told her I really wanted to make us work, and she said we were fine and not to worry. I saw her again on Friday the 12th. I kept my phone in my pocket and told her we would meet my parents on the 27th. She seemed happy and we were intimate that night. On the 13th we went to a party and were intimate again the next morning. My phone was nowhere to be seen as it was left in my car. She was sweet again and not angry. On the 14th we were together and happy, she even acknowledge that I was doing a good job keeping my phone away. Then the next Thursday she dumped me because she said I was never going to change! There were no fights since! From October to December, we had nine fights, on average three per month! She said she was tired of not being happy, even though she said I was improving days before! Is this rational or is there something wrong in her head? A personality disorder or something? Or is she right? Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Do you really think this is just about your phone? It's not. That's a mere example. That you're diagnosing her with a personality disorder rather than looking at your behavior and why she's unhappy tells me you just don't get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 If you want to understand, take a look at yourself. Thats where everything begins and ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author musicalsteve82 Posted December 21, 2014 Author Share Posted December 21, 2014 I did. The fights were over different things. Two were over declining offers for her to help, two were over being on the phone, one was for asking permission to invite a friend out to lunch for my birthday (she really had wanted the day to be just us), and one was over accepting invitations to friends' events without asking her. I corrected all those bad habits, though! Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 It looks to me that you are lacking empathy. That's often the case with people who repeatedly upset others unintentionally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I did. The fights were over different things. Two were over declining offers for her to help, two were over being on the phone, one was for asking permission to invite a friend out to lunch for my birthday (she really had wanted the day to be just us), and one was over accepting invitations to friends' events without asking her. I corrected all those bad habits, though! This sounds like selfishness on your part on all counts, and you can't change that overnight. The phone was probably just the last straw. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Is this thread because you think she's mentally messed up? I think it's a matter of "Plank out of your own eye before removing the mote out of hers"..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I did. The fights were over different things. Two were over declining offers for her to help, two were over being on the phone, one was for asking permission to invite a friend out to lunch for my birthday (she really had wanted the day to be just us), and one was over accepting invitations to friends' events without asking her. I corrected all those bad habits, though! It sounds like a couple underlying issues would be 1. She didn't feel included enough in your life (fights 1 and 4). She probably wanted to feel more like a couple rather than two isolated people. Her helping you may have been a way for her to express this. And your making important plans without her probably felt like you didn't want to include her in your life. 2. She didn't feel special enough. Being on your phone while the two of you are out is a big mistake. She wants you to give her your undivided attention. And she probably had anticipated that your birthday would be a special time for the two of you. Perhaps if she was getting the attention she needed (and I say perhaps) at other times she would have been more flexible about the birthday (it is your birthday after all!). Just some thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author musicalsteve82 Posted December 21, 2014 Author Share Posted December 21, 2014 She did, however, say she still loves me.... Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 She did, however, say she still loves me.... My ex said she love me madly since day one of her cheating me to the day I found it out by myself. Should I believe it or care for it? NOOOOO of course not! I trust what I see with my eyes and nothing more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author musicalsteve82 Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 But I resolved all the problems we fought over. I let her help me, I put the phone away, and arranged a time to meet my parents. And she said she loved me. We even made love twice between our last fight and our breakup! She said we were fine when I called her to ask if there was anything I could do to improve our relationship. Doesn't make sense... Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Loving someone is very different of being in love with someone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author musicalsteve82 Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 Loving someone is very different of being in love with someone. How so? I hear about it all the time, but I think it's a bunch of croc. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 But I resolved all the problems we fought over. I let her help me, I put the phone away, and arranged a time to meet my parents. And she said she loved me. We even made love twice between our last fight and our breakup! She said we were fine when I called her to ask if there was anything I could do to improve our relationship. Doesn't make sense... Your "improvements" (though I doubt you've truly changed your ways in two weeks) were too little, too late it seems. I think she was looking to get out for a while and the phone complaint was the last straw. Dumpers tend to think long and hard before cutting the cord and waffle for a bit before doing the deed (hence you sleeping together a couple times). Sorry dude, I think you were dead man walking before she brought the phone issue to your attention. That being said, you can make the best of this and truly learn to be more courteous. Playing on your phone when you are out at dinner with someone is very rude. If you can cut that out of your behavior for good you'll be fine when the next relationship comes along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 How so? I hear about it all the time, but I think it's a bunch of croc. For me it´s no bull**** and it's quite simple. I have some few friends who I really love like some of my family all day every day, but I'm not in love with them. Being in love is the same but you have romantically feeling about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 She said she was tired of not being happy, even though she said I was improving days before! Is this rational or is there something wrong in her head? A personality disorder or something? Or is she right? There's no right or wrong, and it doesn't have to be rational. She just didn't want to be with you anymore. From October to December, we had nine fights, on average three per month! That seems like a lot of fighting, to be honest. It was a somewhat short relationship, and a significant portion of it (Oct - Dec) was spent regularly fighting. Doesn't sound healthy. Accept the breakup and move on. You'll be okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author musicalsteve82 Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 Actually they weren't really fights. I just got her annoyed/angry those times and apologized without arguing. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Her reactions are not your fault they are hers. It sounds like she gas lit you and is breaking up with you for whatever reason you'll accept. I'm always suspicious of breakups like this because it leaves the door open for her to come back to you as a backup and simultaneously appear magnanimous. A side thought you might consider is having a bit more of a backbone when she is attempting to define your reality and hold you accountable for her feelings. That is a very murky red flag. I would just go NC right now cold. Delete from Facebook and walk away from someone who constantly had to be the center of attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author musicalsteve82 Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 For me it´s no bull**** and it's quite simple. I have some few friends who I really love like some of my family all day every day, but I'm not in love with them. Being in love is the same but you have romantically feeling about it. Oh that old story. Well, again, we were intimate the last week. Twice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author musicalsteve82 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Share Posted December 23, 2014 Oh yeah, forgot to mention: less than a month before we split, she got a not so cheap picture of us and hung it in her living room.... Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Frankly, it appears you are somewhat irrational yourself. Her having sex with you........is not a guaranteed forgiveness of everything that has occurred before. On either side, obviously. For better success on your next relationship, I recommend you focus your critical eye on yourself, as much as or more than on the female partner. Your behavior could stand some improvement. And no, not the "improvements" you have already made. I mean, real improvements related to respect, empathy, and ungrudging attention to her needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Oh that old story. Well, again, we were intimate the last week. Twice. Well clearly you misread that dude. It was probably her getting some goodbye sex. Either way, you'd be better off focusing on yourself then trying to break down her behavior. Right now you are trying to apply logic to things (feelings) that are completely illogical, which is a waste of time. You obviously had some faults in your behavior, so concentrate on those. That's the only thing you can control at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
HurtGator Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 But I resolved all the problems we fought over. I let her help me, I put the phone away, and arranged a time to meet my parents. And she said she loved me. We even made love twice between our last fight and our breakup! She said we were fine when I called her to ask if there was anything I could do to improve our relationship. Doesn't make sense... She sounds immature and self-centered. If she complained about something and you went off and tried to take care of the issues as much as you can, then that should be more than enough for someone who claims they love you. You kept the phone away, you can't do much more than that! You took her to your parents! This sounds like an issue with her and not you. Maybe you should be happy that someone like her did you a favor and walked away from you. Imagine what she would be like if she had a real reason to complain about something you did? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts