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Torn on this one. To send a happy B day text or not?


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I'm the dumpee. We broke up 3 months ago. Have been NC for the past month and a half. She dumped me because I took her for granted, and was an ass a lot of the times, but now she has a BF.

 

To send one or not? I want to send just to show her that she wasn't just some girl I went out with, and that I did really love her, and still care about her, but at the same time, I know once NC, you should stay NC. Her B days tomorrow, And I've been going back and forth for the past 2 days.

 

Just feels like it's the right thing to do, and I don't want to permanently burn a bridge. NC was my idea by the way. She didn't just stop contacting me out of the blue.

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There is no point in sending her a Happy birthday text, she is not part of your life anymore.

 

You are thinking about sending it because you don't want her to forget you but she has already moved on. You want to send it to say "Hey please don't forget me! Please pay attention to me!" not because you want to actually wish her a happy birthday.

 

She has already moved on, you need to as well. You are doing good with NC don't ruin it by sending a pointless happy birthday text. You won't burn bridges with your ex by not sending it, that's already done when you guys broke up.

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Sorry man, but she has moved on, you need to do it too. If you send her a message and you get no reply, how would that make you feel? Is it really worth it?

If there were any bridges to burn, she burned them after she crossed them to get to her new BF.

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There is no point in sending her a Happy birthday text, she is not part of your life anymore.

 

You are thinking about sending it because you don't want her to forget you but she has already moved on. You want to send it to say "Hey please don't forget me! Please pay attention to me!" not because you want to actually wish her a happy birthday.

 

She has already moved on, you need to as well. You are doing good with NC don't ruin it by sending a pointless happy birthday text. You won't burn bridges with your ex by not sending it, that's already done when you guys broke up.

 

You're right, but I genuinely want to send it so she knows I still care about her, and that she wasn't special to me.

 

And I get what you're saying with the bridge has been burnt relationship wise, but what if I want to be her friend? Not sending it can give off a "I hate you, and don't want to ever talk to you" vibe.

 

You gotta remember, my lack of showing her love was the reason why we're split.

 

I get it, we aren't getting back together, and 99% of me doesn't want to get back together, but I just want to show her she meant something to me.

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Sorry man, but she has moved on, you need to do it too. If you send her a message and you get no reply, how would that make you feel? Is it really worth it?

If there were any bridges to burn, she burned them after she crossed them to get to her new BF.

 

Damn, that's true.

 

F it, I'm not gonna send her anything.

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It's just me, but I would send a happy birthday message for sure!

 

We are NC too, and every time I tried to contact her (before NC) for any reason other than necessity, she blew up on me. I would ask her how she is or say we're having a nice rain today and she would ask me if I got my divorce papers yet or tell me we're done.

 

That said, I needed to get some things from the house early this month, and I dropped off Christmas gifts for everyone in the family (she wasn't there because she doesn't want to see me.) I'm glad I did it, and I sent a Christmas card too. I will send a birthday card next month for her birthday, and one for my step-daughter's birthday the following month. I also sent her mother a birthday card a few weeks ago.

 

To me, those things are just polite, and I couldn't care less if she condemns me for them or returns the gesture. It makes ME feel good to do them, and that's what it is all about.

 

The question you ask here tells me you want to. If you didn't, you simply wouldn't. Don't expect anything in return, and you will likely get a scathing return message, but don't feel like a fool. Know you did the right thing, and if she can't accept it gracefully, then screw her.

 

Just my 2 cents.

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^^^^^

 

Can't edit my post. If she doesn't reply, I'll be hurt, but the regret of not sending it might also eat me up as well. That "what if" moment.

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It's just me, but I would send a happy birthday message for sure!

 

We are NC too, and every time I tried to contact her (before NC) for any reason other than necessity, she blew up on me. I would ask her how she is or say we're having a nice rain today and she would ask me if I got my divorce papers yet or tell me we're done.

 

That said, I needed to get some things from the house early this month, and I dropped off Christmas gifts for everyone in the family (she wasn't there because she doesn't want to see me.) I'm glad I did it, and I sent a Christmas card too. I will send a birthday card next month for her birthday, and one for my step-daughter's birthday the following month. I also sent her mother a birthday card a few weeks ago.

 

To me, those things are just polite, and I couldn't care less if she condemns me for them or returns the gesture. It makes ME feel good to do them, and that's what it is all about.

 

The question you ask here tells me you want to. If you didn't, you simply wouldn't. Don't expect anything in return, and you will likely get a scathing return message, but don't feel like a fool. Know you did the right thing, and if she can't accept it gracefully, then screw her.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

That's the thing, my ex doesn't despise me or anything (I hope not by now). I told her I had to initiate NC to move on. She didn't want to cut off contact, but that's what happened.

 

I think living with the regret of possibly burning bridges with her forever will eat away at me, and I'll keep asking myself, "what if".

 

Also, she knows for a fact I know her birthday. I even told her while we were in contact after the breakup I would give her a happy b day. Won't it come off like I'm bitter, or still having sad emotions about her?

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You're right, but I genuinely want to send it so she knows I still care about her, and that she wasn't special to me.

 

And I get what you're saying with the bridge has been burnt relationship wise, but what if I want to be her friend? Not sending it can give off a "I hate you, and don't want to ever talk to you" vibe.

 

You gotta remember, my lack of showing her love was the reason why we're split.

 

I get it, we aren't getting back together, and 99% of me doesn't want to get back together, but I just want to show her she meant something to me.

 

Nope sorry, you want to send it because you want her to not forget you.. I'm sorry but be honest with yourself. I know you care about her I'm sure but you are thinking deep down as a way to try and get her attention again.

 

Doesn't matter why you guys broke up, you need to accept you guys broke up. Look up sunk cost fallacy there is no point investing time in something that is already lost. That is to say there is no point trying to show her you love her when it's already done and dusted. What is useful is learning from that mistake and not taking people for granted in future.

 

You don't want to be her friend, you just don't want to accept she has moved on and you are not part of her life anymore.

 

Sorry if this seems harsh but there is really no point in sending a message. She has a new life and new BF, she isn't going to be phased by you sending a message or not the only person who is going to hurt is you when she doesn't reply.

 

Can't edit my post. If she doesn't reply, I'll be hurt, but the regret of not sending it might also eat me up as well. That "what if" moment.

 

There is no what if moment here. You need to accept reality. She has moved on.

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Simon Phoenix

It's a horrible horrible horrible idea. First of all, you'll have expectations of it turning into some sort of bridge back and you'll be devastated when it doesn't. Second of all, it's her day and getting a message from her ex could make it awkward for her. There's a good chance that she just wants to enjoy her day without her ex trying to butt in. There's an even better chance that she'll think that you sending a birthday message is some sort of ploy by you to get back with her, and she'd be right.

 

And third, she knows you care. She broke up with you, you tried to get her back, it's not like she doesn't know that you are interested and that you feel something for her.

 

I mean tikay, you know better. You've tried the meddling and it's blown up in your face. You need to stay in NC. If anything, not sending one might make her take you seriously and think about you more. If it doesn't, at least you showing some self-control and restraint won't set you back in your healing and recovery.

 

This is never, ever a good idea.

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Simon Phoenix
That's the thing, my ex doesn't despise me or anything (I hope not by now). I told her I had to initiate NC to move on. She didn't want to cut off contact, but that's what happened.

 

I think living with the regret of possibly burning bridges with her forever will eat away at me, and I'll keep asking myself, "what if".

 

Also, she knows for a fact I know her birthday. I even told her while we were in contact after the breakup I would give her a happy b day. Won't it come off like I'm bitter, or still having sad emotions about her?

 

The fact that you are so concerned about putting up a front for your ex is the exact reason why you shouldn't send it. You're still wanting to jump through hoops like a circus animal.

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Nope sorry, you want to send it because you want her to not forget you.. I'm sorry but be honest with yourself. I know you care about her I'm sure but you are thinking deep down as a way to try and get her attention again.

 

Doesn't matter why you guys broke up, you need to accept you guys broke up. Look up sunk cost fallacy there is no point investing time in something that is already lost. That is to say there is no point trying to show her you love her when it's already done and dusted. What is useful is learning from that mistake and not taking people for granted in future.

 

You don't want to be her friend, you just don't want to accept she has moved on and you are not part of her life anymore.

 

Sorry if this seems harsh but there is really no point in sending a message. She has a new life and new BF, she isn't going to be phased by you sending a message or not the only person who is going to hurt is you when she doesn't reply.

 

 

 

There is no what if moment here. You need to accept reality. She has moved on.

 

Yeah, you're right. I wish my b day was first, so if she didn't send me one, I could just ignore. Damn this sucks. A part me wants to send in case she was planning on sending me one. That's where a lot of my over thinking is coming from.

 

What if she planned on sending me one, but I don't send her one first? It'll come off as I'm bitter, and hate her or something.

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@ Simon Phoenix, you're right. Not sending her a happy b day. Made up my mind. OK, moving on.

 

Sorry fellas, it's just that time of the season, and the nostalgic feeling is hitting me a little.

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Simon Phoenix
Yeah, you're right. I wish my b day was first, so if she didn't send me one, I could just ignore. Damn this sucks. A part me wants to send in case she was planning on sending me one. That's where a lot of my over thinking is coming from.

 

What if she planned on sending me one, but I don't send her one first? It'll come off as I'm bitter, and hate her or something.

 

Dude, you need to get a grip. You are still too worried about how she could perceive you. Stop overthinking and stick with No Contact. It's not like she won't have several family members and friends wishing her happy birthday. Relax and don't be weird about this.

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Yeah, you're right. I wish my b day was first, so if she didn't send me one, I could just ignore. Damn this sucks. A part me wants to send in case she was planning on sending me one. That's where a lot of my over thinking is coming from.

 

What if she planned on sending me one, but I don't send her one first? It'll come off as I'm bitter, and hate her or something.

 

You would come off as having moved on with your dam life. She isn't thinking about you that is for sure. This is about you not wanting to let go, which you really need to do. What she thinks of you now is irrelevant you are not together and you are not getting back together. A happy birthday text isn't bringing her back.

 

You are worrying about pointless details when you should be focusing on yourself and how to move forward.

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I want to send just to show her that she wasn't just some girl I went out with, and that I did really love her, and still care about her

 

How does sending a Happy Bday text to her show her that you really loved her? You show her that in the relationship.

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Simon Phoenix

tikay, my ex's birthday was two months after we broke up. She broke up with me due to me getting skittish about how quickly things were proceeding. In those two months I spent two weeks trying to get her to meet up with me (not overly emotional or clingy, just 2-3 calls/texts over that time), a month of no real contact, a week where we were talking on text that seemed to be going well in my opinion, then a pre-arranged weekend where we hung out with her sister and her sister's husband, who is my best friend.

 

Her birthday came about a week after that happened. The weekend where we saw each other started off really cold and weird, especially from her end, and ended decently friendly and cordial, so I decided I'd wish her a happy birthday. I texted her happy birthday and she said "hey, thanks!" I asked a follow-up question asking whether she had any crazy celebrations planned and she didn't respond. While I wasn't expecting to be invited to her birthday party or whatever, I was devastated and it was like I had almost been broken up with all over. It was at that point where I went completely hardcore NC, which I kept until I was recovered.

 

Cliffs: No birthday messages at this time. You aren't ready to do such a thing, just like I wasn't.

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Sorry man not trying to be an ass sometimes tough love is the only way. Take care of yourself ok?

 

lol, I'm not mad or anything. I get the point. I appreciate tough love. I don't want any cookie cutter answers, and end up being heart broken when I take some BS advice.

 

I will.

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Well, I'm obviously the only one here advocating sending the message and the other posters probably have more experience than I at this, though I know everyone's experience and history is different and what YOU should do is based on your own experiences, not others'

 

IF you do decide to send the message, as I mentioned before, the key will be in you deciding that no matter what she does in reply (she'll most likely text back thank you and that will be that), it won't hurt you. If you will be hurt if she blasts you, then you shouldn't send it.

 

Like I said, if it were me, I'd take the high road.

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tikay, my ex's birthday was two months after we broke up. She broke up with me due to me getting skittish about how quickly things were proceeding. In those two months I spent two weeks trying to get her to meet up with me (not overly emotional or clingy, just 2-3 calls/texts over that time), a month of no real contact, a week where we were talking on text that seemed to be going well in my opinion, then a pre-arranged weekend where we hung out with her sister and her sister's husband, who is my best friend.

 

Her birthday came about a week after that happened. The weekend where we saw each other started off really cold and weird, especially from her end, and ended decently friendly and cordial, so I decided I'd wish her a happy birthday. I texted her happy birthday and she said "hey, thanks!" I asked a follow-up question asking whether she had any crazy celebrations planned and she didn't respond. While I wasn't expecting to be invited to her birthday party or whatever, I was devastated and it was like I had almost been broken up with all over. It was at that point where I went completely hardcore NC, which I kept until I was recovered.

 

Cliffs: No birthday messages at this time. You aren't ready to do such a thing, just like I wasn't.

 

Man, really appreciate the warning. I guess it's because I haven't experienced the no reply, or the one word answer reply back that I'm thinking I'll be cool with whatever, but I already hit that back to square 1 moment a few weeks ago, and I'll be damned if I voluntarily do it again.

 

You really did go back to square 1 after getting a brief thank you? It really hurts like that?

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Simon Phoenix
Man, really appreciate the warning. I guess it's because I haven't experienced the no reply, or the one word answer reply back that I'm thinking I'll be cool with whatever, but I already hit that back to square 1 moment a few weeks ago, and I'll be damned if I voluntarily do it again.

 

You really did go back to square 1 after getting a brief thank you? It really hurts like that?

 

Pretty much dude. It was pretty crappy.

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Well, I'm obviously the only one here advocating sending the message and the other posters probably have more experience than I at this, though I know everyone's experience and history is different and what YOU should do is based on your own experiences, not others'

 

IF you do decide to send the message, as I mentioned before, the key will be in you deciding that no matter what she does in reply (she'll most likely text back thank you and that will be that), it won't hurt you. If you will be hurt if she blasts you, then you shouldn't send it.

 

Like I said, if it were me, I'd take the high road.

 

I'm pretty sure I'll catch feelings over anything she replies back, or doesn't reply back, so best to let a dead dog lie.

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