Breakup after suicide attempt

[MissLilly]

I'm a long time visitor from loveshack but I couldn't imagine I would be posting right here today. I'll try to be short even my history is so long it could turn into a movie (sorry spelling in advance as English is not my first language).

 

My relationship ended yesterday after a lot of pain for both sides. I was living with him since last March, but came back to my place to visit my parents for the holidays, and because we were fighting too much.

 

Sometimes I thought he would drive me crazy... And I know he thought the same about me. But I know we love each other deeply, we were best friends and after a bunch of highs and lows we could still make a great couple, because we were so attached to each other.

 

My boyfriend didn't accept so well I came to stay a couple of months with my parents. He got depressed, and even talking on skype everyday I could see him going downhills. I always tried to bring him into my life and to advise him to try to live his best while I was here, not just waiting. This way the short absence wouldn't be so painful.

 

I started to get a little annoyed because he was being extremely negative about everything. I mean, everything really. He was taking a big part of my day on skype to complain about his job, his life, how much he missed me and stuff. I asked him to please maybe go see a doctor, because I was starting to get worried, but he didn't listen. Then I thought though love could work, after a lot of sweet advices, but this made things go really down.

 

Then yesterday I figured out he left to a bar without letting me know, because of the things I said the previous day (that he was complaining too much and doing nothing to change what was bad for him). I wouldn't mind if he had just said he was going, and I got mad only because I called him several times (checking because he is really depressed) and he didn't answer his phone... I went crazy thinking if he was ok. Also, he asked for money before to pay a bill because he got none left but had enough for drinks...

 

Anyways when I could reach him he was dead drunk by the phone and I got really mad. I called him irresponsible and he started to scream too, and I said I didn't want to continue anymore. Then he proceeded to say he was going to kill himself. I begged him not to, he was so drunk he couldn't speak, and I couldn't listen to a thing anymore, it was killing me.

 

I went nuts, tried to contact his brother because from here I couldn't do a thing. As far as I know he took a few sleeping pills and spent the night at the hospital. I kept my word and ended the relationship because I lived abusive ones before and I know these blackmailing attempts. I know they can make someone simply melt, it's extremely stressful and emotional draining.

 

I'm so sad because I love him. He today begged me to come back, but I am so mad still about what he did, about why he didn't seek for real help and why he didn't simply wait a couple months for me to return... I'm so sad because I love him and now my family is terrified...

 

I called him tonight and cried my eyes out, because I know I can be wrong, I know I can be exaggerating but I can't understand why he did this to me. I get scared to come back and to get more suicide threats every time I do or say something he doesn't like, Every time I stand up for myself. I didn't want this to end but now he too doesn't want to talk to me or either seek for help, or say to me he will man up and help himself and us!

 

Last time I called him (I know it's wrong because I broke up but I still love him so much) he was laid in bed as a dead person. I'm so tired but I fought with my life for us to work, I can't understand why he is so powerless! I'm too depressed for this whole year but I dunno how I get my strength to keep going, I wanted him to do the same for me! I'm so sad.

Edited December 20, 2014 by MissLilly
Spelling the best I can

[EgoJoe]

Communicate with him that you care but you can not be around this type of behavior.

 

 

Tell him there is always hope and that you will support his healing but need to consider your own health now.

[Ronni_W]

I'm so tired but I fought with my life for us to work, I can't understand why he is so powerless! I'm too depressed for this whole year but I dunno how I get my strength to keep going, I wanted him to do the same for me! I'm so sad.

Hugs, MissLily.

The thing is that, while you ARE responsible for your own mental and emotional state, you are not, for his.

Similarly, he does not have to be powerful, strong, etc., for you; he is not responsible for that. He may be making bad choices for himself, but they are for himself. He gets to choose to do that.

 

And you get to choose to free yourself from this situation so that you can take proper care of your own self; get back your strength, put yourself back into a healthy mental-emotional state, and overcome your exhaustion, sadness and depression. You deserve this.

 

Hugs and best.

[Jabs06]

Many years ago I had an ex bf attempt to take his own life because I finished the violent relationship I was in with him. I was told by an older lady at the time everyone is responsible for their own happiness and this is so true.

 

Your ex def needs professional help. I'm not sure how old he is?? Have you tried talking to his parents?? I know you love him but this sounds much more than you are able to cope with and you need to look after you too.

[MissLilly]

Thank you for all replies, I didn't come back here to check til now because i'm having the worst time of my life now.

 

In the end, he tried to kill himself. He took a lot of pills and ended up in the hospital for all day, but now he's ok.

 

The days after this are a true hell now. Both our families are involved with this thing, and we had terrible fights already, broke up, came back, broke up I dunno around 6 times since then.

 

I'm going to make this thread a diary for myself, because yesterday he broke up for good. I'm so damn sad I can't even breath.

[MissLilly]

I don't think he's mentally well. We agreed after a lot of talking we would try to work this out. I was feeling he was trying to distance himself but let him be, and yesterday morning, again, he broke up with me because a picture he didn't like on my skype... I only have him and my dad in there!

 

I said to him ok, i wasn't going to beg because I thought it was a silly reason to break up, I did nothing to provoke him in any way but he FELT provoked...

 

Last afternoon, he left me a msg on skype saying he loved me to death, but couldn't do it, ask to come back i think... I didn't reply, i said before when he broke up because of the picture I would only answer him when and if he asked loud and clear "let's come back together"... late night then he came pissed, couldn't sleep, wrote a lot about my mistakes from the past and said he was done for good.

 

This morning i went through all damn stages we can pass after a break up. Denial, anger, depression, and i also begged. I feel so low.

 

He didn't dismiss me but i felt so much gaslighted somehow in many things... he said he deleted me from skype to teach me a lesson... but never blocked me from anywhere so i knew how to reach him if i wanted. Said he loved me still but i need to fix MY problems first (I'm a very impulsive person) and he was going to fix his ones. He said he's there, for me to message him, but I right now don't know what is the correct thing to do. I want him, but I don't wanna msg him. He broke up... I didn't ask for this...

 

I'm pretty sure inside me this was the real end. But i still called him, because I can't stop loving someone so fast. Can't forget the plans, the things we had, the love we shared. I wish i could tell all our history but it's too long even for a movie!!!

 

I will never forget him, i dunno how to cope right now

Edited December 24, 2014 by MissLilly
adding a few details

[MissLilly]

Hate myself!! Hate, hate! He added me again on skype... got pissed because i messed something in there and couldn't see he added me right away... said he was there for me but i was not helping...

 

I apologized and he was online, and then i started to melt myself in there and say how much i'm suffering and how much he means to me. But, also, I wasn't expecting he would come back to me, because I accepted the idea he didn't want it anymore.

 

He turned off skype on my face, I tried to call him and he didn't pick up the phone. The only thing I could do was leave a voicemail... just saying the truth, that i'm too drained right now for games, or for these things...

 

Then comes my head playing with me... technical problems? or he is just toying with me right now?

 

I just wonder how can a person stop loving someone so fast like he seems to.

[MissLilly]

I'm so sorry to spam my own thread but I'm needing so much help right now... please someone in a better state of mind can talk to me... I feel like my whole world is falling apart!

[almond]

He is unhealthy. You are unhealthy. You need to end this cycle to get better.

 

You feel fear and overwhelming pain at the thought of being without him...of being alone. But you need to stop fearing the unknown. You will feel pain for a few weeks after breaking up and going NC, but you will be happier for it. You will have a future, a life to look forward to...without having it crash down on you all the time like it is now. This is destroying you. You need to end it. You are strong enough to do it, even if you don't feel that you are.

 

Realistically, it will take years for him to get better...if he does at all. He is not getting help. He is breaking up with you over and over. You are becoming a shell of your former happy self. You cannot live like this any longer - it's only getting dramatically worse.

 

You need to walk away. You need to stop all contact. You need to see a therapist to help you break this cycle, and be happy and healthy.

 

Please, book into a therapist asap. Do this for yourself now.

 

You can get through this, make the call, book the appointment <3

[MissLilly]

Thank you for your reply Almond... I already said to him I couldn't stay this way and sent him a NC msg. It's the hardest thing I needed to do in my whole life. What is giving me a HUGE question mark in my head is how can someone say he loves me to death yesterday, and today is like he is feeling nothing at all. Jesus, I'm so drained right now. I already have a therapist for january, they couldn't book me right now because of holidays...

 

I need to distract myself and forget him. I'm hurting HUGE because I was never expecting this would happen to me... like... he from one day to another is giving a s***!!!

[BC1980]

You cannot take responsibility for his mental health. He is currently not fit to be in a relationship. It's also not healthy for you to support him through whatever he is going through. You don't need to be in any form of contact with him right now. He cannot heal with you in his life, and neither can you. He has his family for support, and he needs to lean on them to help him through. You are the last person who needs to be supporting him through any of this. The absolute last person.

 

If he decides to commit suicide, you cannot take that on as your responsibility. It he tries to insinuate that it is in any way your fault, that is emotional manipulation.

[Radu]

Can you write more about his suicide attempt [what you know happened], his family, his childhood and for how long the two of you were together ?

 

Was he like this from the start ?

[Satu]

You are not good for each other.

 

What you both have been experiencing is not love - it is a dysfunctional attachment.

 

Try to find out what love is.

[MissLilly]

I'm sorry i didn't come back before. After that we tried to make amends, to make it works... but now i'm here again because we, again, broke up. He can't stop drinking

 

Our relationship was always very complicated. We started dating as rebounds, he had recently broke up with a girlfriend and so did i with my previous one.

 

By the things I know about his life, he had a complicated past. Addictions (drugs, alcohol), and he went to rehab two years before i met him.

 

Last time he drank, i think two weeks ago, I said to him it would be the last time, i wouldn't accept him drinking again because it was damaging him, I didn't want to see him struggling like that anymore and I didn't want to suffer also... but last saturday he did it again. Called my mom and said a lot of bad stuff about me, mostly things HE DID and said i did.

 

I had no other way than breaking up but now i'm feeling terrible, as i never was before in my life. This is my third attempt at a relationship and I gave so much, I'm not accepting this is the end. Besides drinking and other problems we were happy together (I know it sounds strange but the happy moments truly were HAPPY and fulfilling).

 

I am very much depressed and my heart is racing since saturday. I'm not being able to handle this so well and i'm afraid for my own life. I'm sorry, i'm just venting and I appreciate the advices you are all giving me... i'm i dunno searching for love for about 15 years now and I just face disappointment, one after the other. Thank you for reading me.

[BC1980]

I'm sorry i didn't come back before. After that we tried to make amends, to make it works... but now i'm here again because we, again, broke up. He can't stop drinking

 

Our relationship was always very complicated. We started dating as rebounds, he had recently broke up with a girlfriend and so did i with my previous one.

 

By the things I know about his life, he had a complicated past. Addictions (drugs, alcohol), and he went to rehab two years before i met him.

 

Last time he drank, i think two weeks ago, I said to him it would be the last time, i wouldn't accept him drinking again because it was damaging him, I didn't want to see him struggling like that anymore and I didn't want to suffer also... but last saturday he did it again. Called my mom and said a lot of bad stuff about me, mostly things HE DID and said i did.

 

I had no other way than breaking up but now i'm feeling terrible, as i never was before in my life. This is my third attempt at a relationship and I gave so much, I'm not accepting this is the end. Besides drinking and other problems we were happy together (I know it sounds strange but the happy moments truly were HAPPY and fulfilling).

 

I am very much depressed and my heart is racing since saturday. I'm not being able to handle this so well and i'm afraid for my own life. I'm sorry, i'm just venting and I appreciate the advices you are all giving me... i'm i dunno searching for love for about 15 years now and I just face disappointment, one after the other. Thank you for reading me.

 

Neither of you are in a place to be dating. You really need to cut all contact with this guy. He apparently has a lot of deep issues to deal with, and it's up to him to deal with them. He may decide he has no intention of getting healthy. However, you also need to move away from this toxic situation. You said you aren't good being alone, and I believe you. You would rather be involved in this toxic situation than be alone, and that speaks volumes about your self-esteem and self-worth. I think you need to be alone for awhile and work on figuring out who you are.

[seminoles84]

Sorry if I missed it but how old are you two? This is a very unhealthy relationship with both parties have some emotional issues that need to workout. I suggest you both get therapy to sort out your own issues before jumping back into any relationships.

[MissLilly]

Sorry if I missed it but how old are you two? This is a very unhealthy relationship with both parties have some emotional issues that need to workout. I suggest you both get therapy to sort out your own issues before jumping back into any relationships.

 

We are in our mid 30s.

 

Right now we are both in a terrible place. yesterday we tried to talk but it seems impossible. He keeps bringing back things I did from 1 yr ago, when they were before solved, and keeps meaning i'm a bad person with a lot of problems, but still can't detach from me and is scared of a future without me. When I said also i wasn't dealing well with anything and wishing I was dead instead he asked if i wanted to hear what he heard the night he took a lot of pills (I was scared and reacted bad to it, i screamed and cried for him to do it since he loved nobody, me, his mom, and wasn't thinking of us; I dated a guy once who tried to scare me by joking he was going to jump from the 14th floor, not before locking the front door preventing me from leaving his ap).

 

In 1 hour I have an appointment with a doctor because I'm having terrible anxiety attacks, I can't barely breath after all this. I guess, even if it hurts so bad and I don't have enough strenght right now, I'll cut contact for our own sanity over this.

 

What i find it hard to believe is how it all came to this point... a man and a woman that wanted to be together and have the same life values and dreams. Why? tears.

[MissLilly]

Well, in the end the no contact thing didn't work. I feel like this relationship is an addiction for both of us.

 

Two weeks ago I went to a therapist. I'm under meds to deal with everything this caused me. He said I'm a person that can't be alone right now, and due to our kind of problems I should try again, because, the things i said and lived with my boyfriend, he wasn't a bad person for me.

 

I tried and everything was fine... I agreed with him drinking and going out at night occasionally, but felt this would be a real terrible moment for me, because I would be pushing too hard my personal boundaries (we are long distance, I do nothing to annoy him or make him insecure, and I don't feel the need to go out and get dead drunk all weekends). I'm aware they are MY boundaries and my head spins every time I think if i'm being unfair or if i'm right. I just don't feel well.

 

Well this weekend I was aware he was going out saturday night, and since thursday i tried to play the cool girl saying everything was ok. He didn't sleep at home (said went to his parents), and i'm a train wreck. I tried my best to play cool and everything but i'm suffering like a miserable person now.

 

In the end I ended up mixing my meds with a lot of beer, and i'm not feeling well. When i tried to talk to him i was depressed (didn't mention what he did annoyed me) to ask for some help, he got pissed and said to me to solve my **** from the past, because that was enough.

 

I don't feel STRONG enough to cut for good these ties. I'm always justifying why I can't. What we built, what he has good, everything, I'm always justifying. I please ask you to not judge me but it's being so hard to cut this for good i already thought of DYING to get rid of this. I am aware this attachment is not healthy but I can't, for God's sake, cut it

 

I am a long time lurker and I know I can't use PM until i reach a certain amount of messages but I would love to talk privately with someone right now, at least someone who found HARD to cut ties with an unhealthy relationship like mine. I don't think the meds are working to me, I'm not feeling well.

[JonjMie]

Well, in the end the no contact thing didn't work. I feel like this relationship is an addiction for both of us.

 

Two weeks ago I went to a therapist. I'm under meds to deal with everything this caused me. He said I'm a person that can't be alone right now, and due to our kind of problems I should try again, because, the things i said and lived with my boyfriend, he wasn't a bad person for me.

 

I tried and everything was fine... I agreed with him drinking and going out at night occasionally, but felt this would be a real terrible moment for me, because I would be pushing too hard my personal boundaries (we are long distance, I do nothing to annoy him or make him insecure, and I don't feel the need to go out and get dead drunk all weekends). I'm aware they are MY boundaries and my head spins every time I think if i'm being unfair or if i'm right. I just don't feel well.

 

Well this weekend I was aware he was going out saturday night, and since thursday i tried to play the cool girl saying everything was ok. He didn't sleep at home (said went to his parents), and i'm a train wreck. I tried my best to play cool and everything but i'm suffering like a miserable person now.

 

In the end I ended up mixing my meds with a lot of beer, and i'm not feeling well. When i tried to talk to him i was depressed (didn't mention what he did annoyed me) to ask for some help, he got pissed and said to me to solve my **** from the past, because that was enough.

 

I don't feel STRONG enough to cut for good these ties. I'm always justifying why I can't. What we built, what he has good, everything, I'm always justifying. I please ask you to not judge me but it's being so hard to cut this for good i already thought of DYING to get rid of this. I am aware this attachment is not healthy but I can't, for God's sake, cut it

 

I am a long time lurker and I know I can't use PM until i reach a certain amount of messages but I would love to talk privately with someone right now, at least someone who found HARD to cut ties with an unhealthy relationship like mine. I don't think the meds are working to me, I'm not feeling well.

 

Seriously if you are feeling this bad then you need to talk to someone, call the Samaritans and talk it through, are you US or UK based ?