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You don't achieve happiness, by avoiding unhappiness


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[This is just what works for me and my opinion that I wanted to share as I know there are people where NC doesn't seem like the correct option to employ instantly - But you can't use it as an excuse, NC is a must]

 

A lot of the people in this forum respond in a manor that is to avoid getting hurt more, rather than healing. And you know what, that makes sense. After all it is viewed that avoiding getting hurt more (NC) will in-time lead to healing. Again, makes sense. But a lot of the threads on here are about meeting them for one last time or sending a nice text on a special occasion etc..

 

Once a thread is made, 90% of the responses are "NO DON'T DO IT. GO NC THEY ARE DEAD TO YOU"

 

Here is my spin on this situation:

 

You don't achieve happiness, by avoiding unhappiness.

-and-

Playing to win is not the same as playing not to lose.

 

Basically the point I am trying to make is being a completely passive individual during situations [(which is what everyone is imploring with the NC tactic) don't take that as me implying I believe NC means being passive in your own LIFE, no, Im referring to it's passivity toward the ex] is somewhat similar to the statements made above imo.

It works, yes, you will stop yourself from getting any more hurt than you need to, but did it end in the best way, putting you in the best position to move forward?

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn't mind losing in a competition, only if he knows he did everything he possibly could do in the given time frame before it, to win. If he lost, then he has nothing to be angry about because he left no stone un-turned.

 

So my point being.. If you feel the need to send her a message, send her a goddam message. If you feel the need to catch up for a chat one last time, catch up for a bloody chat! Pain will probably come from it, but it's temporary and when the pain is past you will be glad you did things your OWN way. Loving someone is easier than UNLOVING someone. Just as learning a habit is easier than unlearning a habit. FOR ME in order to employ NC most effectively, I must provide sufficient evidence to myself in order to convince myself that it's over. Generally everyone does. But instead of letting the time just let it fade in to the past as the first and last plan of action, actually do give yourself enough evidence that it is over. Most will say, "she said it's over what more evidence do you want" but a broken heart is stubborn. Even something as small as sending a text and getting no response is enough.

 

I also understand that a lot of people on this forum are bitter and don't want to give any dumper/ex the satisfaction of receiving a text and not replying or meeting up with them allowing them a chance to remove their guilt. But you are thinking of THEM and not yourself when you speak. If they are out of my life and they are dead to me, I don't care whatever satisfaction they may get, all I ask myself is "by doing this will this help ME move forward?" and "after the initial pain, do I believe I will be in a BETTER position to move forward and get past this in the LONG RUN?"

 

NC is great. It's got me and is getting me through my breakups. However, I only did it after I felt I had put myself in the best position to employ it. So like before, if that meant sending a meaningless text on thanks giving, I did it. There response would probably cause me pain, because either I wouldn't get a response or it would be short and sweet. But once I get the response or lack there of, i feel the hurt, i embrace the hurt, and I allow it to push me forward and it removes any doubt that I once had.

 

Just like the pain in the gym once you hit that next weight level and it's f*cking heavy and it HURTS, but it is there to help you.

 

"I would rather fall flat on my face and knock out all of my teeth doing things MY way, than someone saying this is the way to do it you had better go do it that way"

 

my opinion as that is what I have discovered works best for me.

Edited by Chatmonkey
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I think people on loveshack are very caring and protective of those who join this ship. No one want to see people jump back into the sea and drown but if they want to try that is ultimately their choice. If they succeed, people are happy for them. If they fail, people here are ready to pull them back up again.

 

NC works very well for me, I used to call it silent treatment but after joining this forum it nice to know it has a name and now see it everywhere :)

 

You wrote that: "You don't achieve happiness by avoiding unhappiness"

 

I learn more towards: "One of the simplest ways to stay happy is to let go of the things that make you sad"

Edited by Ieris
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I think people on loveshack are very caring and protective of those who join this ship. No one want to see people jump back into the sea and drown but if they want to try that is ultimately their choice. If they succeed, people are happy for them. If they fail, people here are ready to pull them back up again.

 

NC works very well for me, I used to call it silent treatment but after joining this forum it nice to know it has a name and now see it everywhere :)

 

You wrote that: "You don't achieve happiness by avoiding unhappiness"

 

I learn more towards: "One of the simplest ways to stay happy is to let go of the things that make you sad"

 

Thank you for your thoughts and very nicely put :)

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I think you have misunderstood the purpose of NC. It is not about avoiding pain that is a side effect. It is about accepting reality and moving forward. It's also about minimizing time wasted on things you can't change.

 

How many people on these forums have been waiting 3 months, 6 months, years fantasizing about their exes return basically putting there life on hold for something which statistically speaking is most likely not going to happen. What a waste of time, what a waste of life. Time is the most valuable resource we have in this world.

 

Look up sunk cost fallacy because that is what it is every time you contact your ex. It is investing time and effort into something that is already lost which is a waste.

 

Also ask pretty much anyone who begged and pleaded with their ex after breaking up and most will say once the emotions had died down that they really regret how much of a fool they made of themselves. It's much better to walk away with your pride intact.

 

NC is anything but passive, it requires a lot of effort in order to do. In fact if anything NC is more painful (in the short term) than continuing to contact your ex that's why so many people find it so hard.

 

If anything NC is rejecting fantasy and accepting reality.

 

Having been on the receiving side of a begging and pleading ex it did nothing to make me consider ever getting back with them, in fact it just pushed me further away because they were not respecting my wishes.

 

So unfortunately I can't agree with your take on NC or even the statement "You don't achieve happiness, by avoiding unhappiness" as a saying because that seems to imply in order to be happy you need to seek unhappiness which just doesn't make sense. In order to be happy you remove things that make you unhappy. Example toxic friends and exes, an abusive relationship, a stressful job you don't don't running head first into these things. You get the **** away from them as soon as you can. Why? Because you will be happier when you do. You can quite easily find happiness by avoiding unhappiness in fact I encourage it as would most people!

 

If anything a more useful saying is You don't achieve happiness by remaining in unhappy circumstances or A wound will take longer to heal if you keep reinfecting it.

Edited by Halcyon
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Everyone has probably heard the expression, "what your resist persist", which basically means you refuse to accept what is (breakup). Many times, it isn't the experience OF the break up that creates the pain, it's the resistance TO the breakup that causes the emotional pain. How you label the experience determines how you feel.

 

The need for NC is another way of saying to yourself there is no need to fix or change anything. Wanting to fix it will create more of the pain. If what you resist persists, the opposite is equally true... what you embrace dissolves.

 

Negative emotion to the breakup persist because we give them energy by focusing on them. When we offer no resistance, they wither and fade away. NC is a way to accept what is and to stop resisting and allow the pain to fade away.

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