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Why NC didn't work for me


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I have recently completely got over my ex after 2 1/2 months of deep depression and sadness. Right before my break up (I had a feeling it would happen) and right after, I started visiting this website and the first thing I noticed was everyone's adamant position that NC was the absolute way to go and the only way the you could heal and move on. I did this for 4 days and realized it would never work for me, after being with my ex for 7 years, living with him for 6 and working together for 10, he was too much of a part of my life for me to just cut him out, no matter how bad the break up was.

 

At first I just needed answers, and then having small doses of him helped me get through each week while also realizing how much he changed and the reasons we definitely shouldn't be together. Don't get me wrong, I was extremely devastated, I even contemplated suicide, but for me facing everything head on is what I needed to move on.

 

We went out to eat a couple of times and certain things would bring me back to those feelings that I had before, even knowing that he betrayed me, and I wanted so bad to get him back. However, I am a realistic person, if someone doesn't want to be with you, there is NOTHING that you can do to change their mind. I know deserve better than him, and all my friends still don't understand why I am in contact with him but the thing is, every situation is different. People handle their emotions differently, are stronger in some ways and weaker in others. I know I did what I had to to move on.

 

Seeing him knowing that he had been with someone else, just made him look dirtier and unappealing. The fantasy of our relationship and who I thought he was, was completely broken, I made myself see what I didn't want to accept. Yes it was very hard, yes he was terrible but you know what? Life goes on. I contributed to the end of our relationship but he cheated so that is why we broke up. I had to take ownership in my role of the downfall of the relationship, just hating him or wishing it didn't happen wasn't helping me at all.

 

Ok, I have written a lot. But I am so happy, because I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't sad anymore! And that one day has turned into two weeks, and each day I am happier and stronger! I have been out on a couple of dates and I feel like the person who I was before my relationship and I really like her! :)

 

My point is, if NC doesn't work for you, don't feel bad about yourself, only you will know how much you can take or what you need to do to move on.

 

That first month was absolutely brutal, I never ever want to feel that again, and if there is anything that I could have done to make it better, I would have.

 

Don't see yourself as weak, do what works for you!

 

Ok, I'm done :)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Simon Phoenix

You tried it for four days before giving up. That's not exactly giving No Contact a real shot. Of course the first four days will be brutal.

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Detectingfreak

This is what i call living in the past. By you keeping him in your life, your hoping that pne say he will come back. This is what my ex did too even after the dude cheated on her. People who get cheated on just want to be with that one person so badly that they dont care about what happened. You will never have anyone else if you keep him in ur life. My ex only kept me for 2 years until i said i was done. Too much of her talking about her ex got super annoying.

 

If you do this with your next boyfriend and continue tk see your ex then your current boyfriend will feel unimportant and leave you within a month or less. Just a tip. Dont live in the past.

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With all due respect, you're 2.5 months into a b/u from a relationship that lasted 7 years. I highly doubt you're completely recovered from this rejection. Recovery is a path of peaks and valleys and it's obvious you hitting one of your peaks. There will come a day when the urge to see or talk to him will hit you, you'll give in, and then you'll hate yourself for it. But like you said... don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Everybody is different and f I'm wrong, then more power to you. But IMHO, you're in shock if you think by keeping in touch is a healthy way to heal. Good luck.

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When my fist adult relationship ended, I could not have done NC & gone cold turkey either. Instead he & I created this elaborate slow disconnect as a way for me to wean myself off seeing & talking to him every day. It worked for us.

 

NC can be an effective healing tool but its not always one size fits all.

 

After the end of a meaningful relationship which spanned multiple years I never went hard core NC where one day you are everything & they next day nothing. It was always a bit more gradual but always civil.

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I'm sorry you were betrayed. After 7 years, you have to be realistic and realize that you need much more time to heal from this. You're probably in deep denial, which is why you are maintaining contact. You definitely need to go NC to give yourself time to go through the inevitable anger and depression. Especially since you were cheated on, I'd urge you to go NC.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
When my fist adult relationship ended, d not have done NC & gone cold turkey either. Instead he & I created this elaborate slow disconnect as a way for me to wean myself off seeing & talking to him every day. It worked for us.

 

NC can be an effective healing tool but its not always one size fits all.

 

After the end of a meaningful relationship which spanned multiple years I never went hard core NC where one day you are everything & they next day nothing. It was always a bit more gradual but always civil.

 

So you'd rather have the OP keep talking to somone who doesnt have enough respect for her that he had to cheat?

 

Sounds about right.

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I get where the OP is coming from. After investing so much of your life, your time, yourself into something - it becomes habit/routine. People with OCD or addictive personalities tend to have harder times changing their routines and breaking habits.

 

It's not about the people they know at all. It's about the fear & discomfort a person feels by trying to break habits and adjusting to change in their life. Letting go cold turkey is not always so easy for some people. & I totally understand why. No if, ands, or buts about it. It's a control and a loss of control type of thing.

 

Any kind of loss brings grief...not just in death and everyone grieves differently.

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I get where the OP is coming from. After investing so much of your life, your time, yourself into something - it becomes habit/routine. People with OCD or addictive personalities tend to have harder times changing their routines and breaking habits.

 

It's not about the people they know at all. It's about the fear & discomfort a person feels by trying to break habits and adjusting to change in their life. Letting go cold turkey is not always so easy for some people. & I totally understand why. No if, ands, or buts about it. It's a control and a loss of control type of thing.

 

Any kind of loss brings grief...not just in death and everyone grieves differently.

 

It is really difficult to go NC at first, especially after years with a person. I rembering thinking it was unfathomable that I would never talk to my ex again. It took me a few months to go cold turkey, but I was so disgusted at him by that point, NC was easy. I would never even think of contacting him at this point. I think the OP will eventually realize she needs NC. It's still so fresh that she is in shock right now.

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It is really difficult to go NC at first, especially after years with a person. I rembering thinking it was unfathomable that I would never talk to my ex again. It took me a few months to go cold turkey, but I was so disgusted at him by that point, NC was easy. I would never even think of contacting him at this point. I think the OP will eventually realize she needs NC. It's still so fresh that she is in shock right now.

 

Yes, I agree 100%.

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So you'd rather have the OP keep talking to somone who doesnt have enough respect for her that he had to cheat?

 

Sounds about right.

 

No. I am saying that if she thinks gradually letting go, without begging etc., will help her there are worse things in the world then not doing strict NC. She said she knew he was "dirty" and she didn't want him back but the idea of after 10 years never speaking to him again was too hard for her. NC is not a one size fits all thing but it can be helpful.

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Thank you for getting it donnivain. I knew my post wouldn't be seen in a positive way but I don't care because I definitely am happy and over it. I have had a hard life with many obstacles, I actually think the two months it took me to get over it was way too long. Waking up one day and feeling better was a gift, and each day continues to be just as good or better. I am moving into a new apartment, seeing a new guy and excited about my future. I am not in "shock", I have learned to let go of the sadness. I will always be angry at him for what he did whenever I think about it, but why dwell and be miserable?? I don't understand the point in that. We have been in contact less and less because I am very busy and my life isn't about him. I am actually best friends with my ex that I was with before him, gasp, I must be totally out of my mind! Sometimes you stay in a relationship longer than you should have, because you end up settling which is what I think happened to me, and you end up becoming more friends than lovers. Once I realized that it became easier to accept. I am happy with the decisions that I made, no regrets for me. I am glad to be healed and I wish everyone else luck if they are dealing with a similar situation.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
Thank you for getting it donnivain. I knew my post wouldn't be seen in a positive way but I don't care because I definitely am happy and over it. I have had a hard life with many obstacles, I actually think the two months it took me to get over it was way too long. Waking up one day and feeling better was a gift, and each day continues to be just as good or better. I am moving into a new apartment, seeing a new guy and excited about my future. I am not in "shock", I have learned to let go of the sadness. I will always be angry at him for what he did whenever I think about it, but why dwell and be miserable?? I don't understand the point in that. We have been in contact less and less because I am very busy and my life isn't about him. I am actually best friends with my ex that I was with before him, gasp, I must be totally out of my mind! Sometimes you stay in a relationship longer than you should have, because you end up settling which is what I think happened to me, and you end up becoming more friends than lovers. Once I realized that it became easier to accept. I am happy with the decisions that I made, no regrets for me. I am glad to be healed and I wish everyone else luck if they are dealing with a similar situation.

 

No one sees your post in a negative light.

 

Why are you talking to your ex when you have a new guy?

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Sometimes I wish for the days of the "good old fashion" break ups.

Many of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about...

 

No cell phones

No internet

 

Breaking up sucked, but I think we got over it faster bc there wasn't the bits and pieces that keep contact alive like these days.

 

No text messages

No social media

No emails

 

The only way you knew they were trying to make contact was the by the dial tone on the phone and voice machine.

 

Those truly were easier times to end a relationship. Maybe?

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Sometimes I wish for the days of the "good old fashion" break ups.

Many of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about...

 

No cell phones

No internet

 

Breaking up sucked, but I think we got over it faster bc there wasn't the bits and pieces that keep contact alive like these days.

 

No text messages

No social media

No emails

 

The only way you knew they were trying to make contact was the by the dial tone on the phone and voice machine.

 

Those truly were easier times to end a relationship. Maybe?

 

Ah yeah.. the good old stalkerish drive by in the middle of the night.. good old days :p

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