Aries82 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) Ok, few months ago I posted my story it was called "Very depressed", in short: I was in lesbian relationship/marriage for 7 years, and she left me for not specific reasons, every time we were talking to each other was a different reason for break up. So after my begging, crying and all humiliations I went complete NO contact after 2 months post BU. I wrote her goodbye mail and said everything it was on my chest, I said to her that she will never see me again or hear my voice. She did not respond or even call me for next two months, I did not either, I just accept it was over and it was really hard, I still cry every day. So, today she called me for coffee and she drove 4 hours for that, I was in shock to hear her voice again but managed to be polite. I opened my door and she was there seemed so lost and shaken. We hugged and I was crazy, my body was shaking, I could not believe that she is there. I thought that she was happy with her life and that she does not want to see me ever again, but I was wrong. Our coffee last few hours and we were both crying and lost, she could not put together a sentence properly. She said that she needed to see me and that she looking back every day and has very hard time with break up and the way she pulled that, but that she needed to do that because of her, she lost her feelings but she wants me in her life, to be part of her life as a friend. I said that is not possible because we had so much history together as a couple and that would be weird for me because I have very strong feelings for her. But we are not on the same page, I guess she over me, but why she was crying and shaking, even look at me with love. And why she was trying justify her reasons for break up if she is over me. She also said that she did not mean to leave me, she wants a separation, ok I do not get that.She did not mention reconcile with me any time in her life, but she said that she is done with love, so am I, and that she needs to be alone to find herself again because we gave each other ourselves to much, and that she is just crushed and burned from our relationship, and that she could not take that anymore. I respect that, I said that to her, and that I really want that she find happiness. We talk on very civil way but it was very emotional and I felt that comfort around her and in a weird way I was happy and not mad at her at all.But I am confused again. Maybe some thoughts on this, I would be thankfull. Edited December 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aries82 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Is there anyone please, I feel so confused. She behave very protective towards me and she did not allow anyone who did not respect me enough, when we were together, to even mention my name after break up. She told her brother, who was lost his keys of the house, that she can not gave him spare key because it is mine, what is that, she left me, why she is telling me that, so mixed messages. I just do not understand her actions. She drove from another country to see me for a couple hours, why, if is there no regret or even intention for reconcile with me. Link to post Share on other sites
HowMightI-live Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I think she missed you, but doesn't necessarily miss the relationship. There is a difference. It is so hard that it almost seems impossible to let go of a person who has impacted your life in such a way. If you were lovers and friends, then it's even harder. ME being a lesbian myself considered my last ex to not only be my soul mate but best friend as well. I think when dealing when same sex couples the connection that comes with falling in love is a little more amplified just because of the amount of things we have in common with our partners. Shared experiences, our stories. There's a certain bond that comes with it and its powerful to say the least. Maybe she misses that. You can fall out of love with a person and still love them. You can miss being around that person, but not necessarily miss being around them in a romantic way. This happens all the time in both homo as well as heterosexual relationships. They want to have you around to talk as long as you aren't talking about the relationship. They don't want to deal with the pain of losing someone they generally love, but dont want to be with the person they love. If you're still in love with her though i promise you this won't work. You won't win her back if you agree to have her around. You also wont heal. Though she'll feel happy and content to have you around as her friend, you won't be happy. I wouldn't do it. It isn't good for your healing process. You need to decide whether or not you're ready to move forward with your life. If you do, go forward with the NC. IIt'sthe only way. She has to deal with the pain of lost the same way you do, the same way i do and everyone else. If you feel like you really can do the friendship thing though then by all means, go for it! But if its only going to drag you down and keep you trapped in a false reality that maybe one day she'll change her mind, then im telling you, youre going to go through hell. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aries82 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Wow, thank you very much. I think on the same way that she missed me, but also I do not understand her like she traveled 4 hours to see me for coffee, she could only send me a mail, she was crying all the time during conversation and trying justify her reasons, also said that she needs time to be alone to clear her head to give me some answers, she is done with love after me, she hugged me really tight and smelled my hair and my neck, also said that I would be always her family.In my first post when I wrote what happened after break up she was crazy, very cruel, humiliated me and I was on her way as a setback, yesterday she was crushed, different person showed up , person I knew and loved. What to do? I do not want to tell her that I do want her back I lost trust, I want her that would be her idea to show some effort and regret. To be friend with her that is not possible and I do not want that I told her that it would be very painful and I am not ready, she knows that. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 She wanted to ease her guilt. You wrote it yourself. She was giving you reasons on why the break up happened. Justifying them, and trying to convince herself that the break up was the right decision. Trying to friend zone you. But, if you want my honest opinion? I speculate that she's been involved with someone else for the last few months and she just got dumped. She came running to you to be a shoulder to cry on. Thus telling you that she's giving up on love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aries82 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 She said when I was accused her for cheating that was not truth and she was hurt by that, also yesterday said that she was not seeing anyone,and that after me she is done with love, I do not know about that, I would not go there without any proofs. Now, I am in a mess, I am on the beginning. That act to ease her guilt is very selfish, and seemed that there are deeper reasons for her to show up, I do not get that. If she is over me why she was coming to see me and crying, shaking. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
hudson701 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Can i ask- was it complete NC during those 4 months/16 weeks? If so then that would have been ample time for her to think things over, hence why she wanted to reconnect and got in touch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aries82 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 No, I begged and contact her by emails in first two months, she was annoyed by that and very cruel and humiliated me. Then I wrote her goodbye mail, told her that she won't see me ever again or hear my voice, I wished her all happiness in her life and said goodbye, I asked her to not contact me ever again and she did not respond on that mail. I went complete silence no posts on facebook, calls, nothing, that last 2 months and yesterday she showed up, why, I don't know , but she was crushed and said that she is crying every day and looking back, she was so lost that she could not said even complete sentence, wanted to be part of her life, it is very confusing, acts and words do not match. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Sorry, But I still feel like she just got dumped and she came running to you. She told you that she wasn't seeing anyone else...well, that would be the truth if she just got dumped, wouldn't it? There's too much confusion going on with her and to me, that seems like the best explanation. She used you for a shoulder to cry on, and to ease her guilt. This knocked you back a few pegs, but you're not back at square one. Keep making positive changes in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Sounds like an ego boost and a way to relieve guilt, albeit in an extreme way. The fact that she traveled that far and still insisted that she doesn't want to be back in a romantic relationship is pretty telling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aries82 Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 I agree with you about ego boost. I thought she is over me, someone who is over with emotions on every level doesn't need ego boost. It is been 4 months since break up, and I was doing better, now I do not know where am I. Does she goes through some stages what should I expect from her further, I am confused. She said that she needs a long time to be alone to think about everything, then she will be able to give me some answers, she was talking about us and mentioned all the great things we had, memories, she also said that we took each other for granted and that the break up is maybe a good thing for us to think about our issues.She was crying all the time and looking back, see I don't know what to think, I am going crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I agree with you about ego boost. I thought she is over me, someone who is over with emotions on every level doesn't need ego boost. It is been 4 months since break up, and I was doing better, now I do not know where am I. Does she goes through some stages what should I expect from her further, I am confused. She said that she needs a long time to be alone to think about everything, then she will be able to give me some answers, she was talking about us and mentioned all the great things we had, memories, she also said that we took each other for granted and that the break up is maybe a good thing for us to think about our issues.She was crying all the time and looking back, see I don't know what to think, I am going crazy. The consistent part of all of this is that she wants to remain broken up. You keep getting distracted by all the noise and lose sight of what's going on. Whether or not she's in pain, she still doesn't want to be with you. If anything, she's hoping that you absolve her of her guilt so she can be single without regrets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 No, I begged and contact her by emails in first two months, she was annoyed by that and very cruel and humiliated me. Given this statement, for your own health, I would just put the relationship behind you. She is back in your life and already confusing you. I think you deserve to be treated more kindly and with more respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aries82 Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 Thanks everyone, I just need to think of me, I am depressed again but I will over it again. I hope one day she will realise that her own actions and words did not synchronised, and maybe I will get an apology for that. I miss her and still love her, so I need to disappear again for me. Thanks everyone I really could not handle this without you. Link to post Share on other sites
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