Unable to deal with NC! Empty Life...

[KittyTiger]

My gf and I have been together for almost 3 years and I love her more than anything else. Our relationship has been going very well, she is the closest thing in my life (even more so than my family) and even our friends look up on us as a couple.

 

 

However I have a strong fetish that made me unable to give her the sexual satisfaction she needs. I’m obsessed with watching public girls desperate for the bathroom (search it up on the internet, it actually a thing). I told her about it when we started dating and she accepted me as who I am.

Things went downhill when I got too obsessed later on and started filming girls waiting outside public toilets. I will not spare the details here, but she thought I might do it again after she caught me. I do not want my obsession to ruin my relationship and I’m willing to change for her, even though to me it’s like fighting a drug addiction. Also, please don’t judge me.

 

 

After she dumped me about 2 weeks ago I did all the crying and begging (as anyone normal would) cause I really love her and want her back by my side. One day after this sudden break up (I didn’t see it coming), I also did a grand public apology on FB (showing me holding a big sign on top of a hill), it moved a lot of people in our social circle but it definitely didn’t change her mind. I told her I’d change but she said she wouldn’t want to risk her happiness on me. When she dumped me she was the calm one and I was the one crying my eyes out and broken into pieces (even having suicidal thoughts). She also calmly said “I do not love you anymore” in front of me and turned my world upside down.

 

 

I started NC a week ago without notifying her that I “need some space” or anything. I left a bad impression (the needy, desperate guy) on her before I started NC. So she’s been texting me here and there and I didn’t reply at all. She even asked me out so that she could buy a tie to me as promised, but I know for sure that she wouldn't wanna continue the relationship so to save myself from being hurt I ignored her invitation (continuing my strict NC).

 

 

 

So I have 2 questions (the 1st one being more URGENT):

 

1. We bumped into each other in a mall today, I just waved to her and said hi (we were with our own friends). Should I tell her that I need space and start NC again from Day 1? Wouldn't it be weird that I'd greet her in real life but not reply her texts at all? She's been texting me (not a lot) to ask if I'm okay, telling me that she's fighting hard not to miss me etc.

 

 

 

2. Will she be back if I change my voyeuristic sexual behavior? I told her I would but she wouldn’t want to take the risk. Her aim is for me to stand up from the break up, live a new life and find another girl (which was what she explicitly stated). But my aim is to stand up and live a new life with her again, because she means the world to me. Now I feel empty without her even though NC helped a lot I don’t know how long I can last.

What is my chances of success? We were very closed together but she was also very keen on breaking up.

 

 

Kindly give me your opinion, guys or girls! Any advice?

[KittyTiger]

Update: I'm starting to feel out of control again. NC only works yo relieve my pain for awhile and after some time I'm feeling the need of being with her again. I also have the urge to tell her how I feel lately but I just held everything back for the sake of following the NC.

 

How do I get through this? Please help me. I do not want to end my life but everyday looks grey and black since she's been gone.

[Kaya]

NC is super hard.

 

It hurts to not contact, but it will also hurt to contact.

 

Sometimes breaking NC does help with regards to finally accepting the way things are and realising that we need to move on... but it also opens the door to further pain and does set one back.

 

I think you have already made it clear how you are feel? You made a grand gesture on FB and you've done the crying and begging? None of that changed her mind.

 

I'd suggest just letting things be for now. Give her space, give her time, you need to respect her wishes, she stated that she is not willing to take a risk.

 

Take this time to reflect on yourself as well - we should only change something about ourselves, for ourselves, not for someone else. You must consider if the change is something you will benefit from with regards to yourself, maybe some therapy will help with all of this.

 

It's totally normal for your life to feel empty right now, but we all need to find ways to cope with this feeling, and to start filling up with self-care. Trust that things won't seem so grey and painful forever.

[KittyTiger]

NC is super hard.

 

It hurts to not contact, but it will also hurt to contact.

 

Sometimes breaking NC does help with regards to finally accepting the way things are and realising that we need to move on... but it also opens the door to further pain and does set one back.

 

I think you have already made it clear how you are feel? You made a grand gesture on FB and you've done the crying and begging? None of that changed her mind.

 

I'd suggest just letting things be for now. Give her space, give her time, you need to respect her wishes, she stated that she is not willing to take a risk.

 

Take this time to reflect on yourself as well - we should only change something about ourselves, for ourselves, not for someone else. You must consider if the change is something you will benefit from with regards to yourself, maybe some therapy will help with all of this.

 

It's totally normal for your life to feel empty right now, but we all need to find ways to cope with this feeling, and to start filling up with self-care. Trust that things won't seem so grey and painful forever.

 

Thanks for your response. Time is what I'm giving her (and myself) now. I'm practicing strict NC on her.

 

The thing is that right now I'm living on the hope to get her back eventually someday (it might be as long as years but I'm willing to wait cause I know she's the ONE). The most terrible thing is that my esteem highly depends on her. I may seem like a confident, cheerful person in the university but deep down I'm usually stressed out and I always cry to her and tell her about my problems in life. I also depend on her on many other little things in life (she depended on me more financially cause I usually save up).

 

She was the clingy one in the relationship back then but since I got into university I've been very emotionally attached to her. She also always complains about me not giving her the sexual gratification she needs but I've tried my best. I will definitely try harder in the future.

 

Right now I just wanna improve myself first, hoping that with the right moves, my love will be back...

[lolablue17]

I'm not sure that NC is the best thing for you, especially not an immediate one.

 

When I was dumped, I needed contact, and when she agreed to be in contact with me, I was able to heal myself very quickly. In other case when she didn't want any contact - It took me 10 times longer to heal. So, maybe you are like me. Maybe you need the contact.

 

another thing...She wasn't convinced by you begging, but it doesn't mean she doesn't miss you. You can call her and say that you needed space, that's why you didn't answer, but now you're ok and you can meet her and do what ever you want (buy a tie, have a coffee, anything).

 

She will like you and appreciate you more if you're calm and strong and not a doormat.

[KittyTiger]

I'm not sure that NC is the best thing for you, especially not an immediate one.

 

When I was dumped, I needed contact, and when she agreed to be in contact with me, I was able to heal myself very quickly. In other case when she didn't want any contact - It took me 10 times longer to heal. So, maybe you are like me. Maybe you need the contact.

 

another thing...She wasn't convinced by you begging, but it doesn't mean she doesn't miss you. You can call her and say that you needed space, that's why you didn't answer, but now you're ok and you can meet her and do what ever you want (buy a tie, have a coffee, anything).

 

She will like you and appreciate you more if you're calm and strong and not a doormat.

 

Thanks for your insight!

But does liking and appreciating me change her mind about being with me? What I learned from thr site Ex Girlfriend Recovery was that I have to do no contact in other to make her miss me more, and meanwhile improve myself to let her see a changed man.

 

What you said may be true, that contacting will make us heal faster (since they know us better than our friends). But then in that process of healing will I be able to let her go when she's so nice to me?

 

She insists on us being friends and that's the way she wants it. I just need a way to show her I've changed and she can feel secured being with me. I don't want to be a doormat of course, that wouldn't work at all.

[KittyTiger]

Please help me, I think my NC is no longer working cause the situation has changed. It hasn't even been 21days.

 

This is what she texted me today.

 

"I talked to an adult about us. Since she doesnt know who you are, I could tell her everything. I told her about what you done, how I shouldnt forgive you and my fears of not able to find a significant other is better or has qualities as good as you. I even told her I missed you. She said I did the right thing of letting you go. She said I'm still young and all and love will find a way. It calms me down more.

A few things annoys me though. I knew for a fact that you'd find friends and hang out as much as you could cause you just cant be alone for a second or else you'll break down. Maybe you'd tell your friends that it's my fault for not forgiving you and all. But I do hope you dont boast yourself too much by saying "it's her lost that she didn't forgive me". Because it was your fault that you lost me. Don't spread falsehood around and make me look bad cause I know your dark side better than anyone."

 

I feel so hurt after reading this. All I told ppl around me was that she's the most beautiful girl I've ever met and it's a shame that I lost her. I don't know why she'd take me that way, I would never in spoil her reputation and she should know me enough to understand that!!

 

And I'm just following what exgirlfriendrecovery.com taught about using Facebook to show your ex you can have fun without her. That's why I hanged out with many friends. Why is it not working? I'm following everything by steps.

 

My aim here is just to prove that for her I can change and I want things back the way it was. Why is it so hard? I feel like ending my life to erase all the pain and regret I'm feeling.

 

I've been a criminal, I only wanted to be the best person in her life. I do not want my obsession to drive her away. Please save me from the torment. Is there any other strategy?

[KittyTiger]

Should I reply to her to clarify myself that I'm in no way planning to hurt her reputation? I don't her to get the wrong idea and hate me (this would make the entire purpose of NC useless). But if I clarify myself would that mean I'm breaking NC and has to start from day1?

[KittyTiger]

Any opinion guys?

[Elle1975]

Have you given any thought to seeing a Behavioral psychologist?