Wish ex a Happy Birthday/Merry Xmas etc?

[RedButton]

I know this has been discussed before, but I'd like to bring this up as it's around the holidays and want to talk about my specific situation too.

 

So my ex initiated the breakup and it'll be nearly 2 months to the day at Xmas. No contact that entire time, even removed from social media etc. It's been good and helped me a lot in moving on. I know I'm not ready yet to see her again, but feel I should send her a quick text or something to just say Merry Xmas and Happy Birthday (Her birthday is not long after Xmas). We broke up on good terms, no fights or arguing.

 

I worry it'll be seen as fishing for a response, or even worse it might make her upset or ruin her day (although for all I know she could be glad to be rid of me ). It might ruin mine too, but it just seems like the 'right' thing to do. I didn't send any texts or the like for Thanksgiving as it would have been too soon. I was hoping by Xmas it'll be enough time that we can handle it without opening up old wounds.

 

I really don't know if I should or if I'd be better on trying to continue avoiding contact.

[Jimmyjackson]

Just leave it, I know I will be. If she texts you and wishes you a merry Christmas then just return the favour and wish her one too. Other than that there's no point in you doing it really is there? I mean it won't accomplish anything and it's just a text...doesn't mean much

[carhill]

Wish ex a Happy Birthday/Merry Xmas etc?

 

Ex'es are history, the past, again part of the billions on the planet whom never receive birthday nor holiday greetings from one. They did before. They don't anymore. Life goes on.

[RedButton]

Hmm, I know it's not really going to 'achieve' anything, and I don't want to do it as a 'I want you back' type thing. It's more that she really helped me through some hard times when we were together and really meant a lot to me. I don't resent her since the breakup, although I'm getting used to the idea that I don't really want her back either and we needed to move on.

 

Bah, I don't even know. A week ago it wasn't even a question, I was definitely going to text her to say happy xmas, but now I'm starting to think it's not a good idea.

[Mi7522]

I say go for it and send her one as long as you are indifferent to the fact that if you don't receive a message back from her or you don't get the answer you are hoping for back from her. If you can deal with that then sure go for it. It is the time of year to be merry after all

[Marco Valerio]

Do not do it, let it be. There isn't really a good reason for doing it, just the pity of loosing her from your life.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I know this has been discussed before, but I'd like to bring this up as it's around the holidays and want to talk about my specific situation too.

 

So my ex initiated the breakup and it'll be nearly 2 months to the day at Xmas. No contact that entire time, even removed from social media etc. It's been good and helped me a lot in moving on. I know I'm not ready yet to see her again, but feel I should send her a quick text or something to just say Merry Xmas and Happy Birthday (Her birthday is not long after Xmas). We broke up on good terms, no fights or arguing.

 

I worry it'll be seen as fishing for a response, or even worse it might make her upset or ruin her day (although for all I know she could be glad to be rid of me ). It might ruin mine too, but it just seems like the 'right' thing to do. I didn't send any texts or the like for Thanksgiving as it would have been too soon. I was hoping by Xmas it'll be enough time that we can handle it without opening up old wounds.

 

I really don't know if I should or if I'd be better on trying to continue avoiding contact.

 

Hell no...

[Jenmarie]

I personally don't see the problem if you won't go emotional or lose progress if you write to her. I talked to my ex after 2 months of NC and I was happy where things went and I was the dumpee. So, if you feel like your emotions are no longer running high and you can write a quick message without being distraut, go for it. Nothing wrong with it.

[Jimmyjackson]

I think the fact you have to ask this question on here proves you're not indifferent. If you were you wouldn't be putting so much thought into it

[Chin Up]

I was on the fence about this, too.

 

Then I remembered how he ignored my last text to him, and how that felt lol. I'm sure it would feel even worse if my xmas sentiment was shunned..and xmas day will be exactly 4 weeks/1 month NC. He broke up with me and chose to not keep in touch since. I think I'd just look pathetic to send it. I'm interested to see if he will send me a "Merry Christmas!" but no way am I sending it first haha. If I hear nothing, well, I think that will speak volumes.

 

I know spreading Christmas cheer is harmless enough and it's a safe and flimsy way of reaching out. Doesn't look as bad as "so how're you?" haha, but I think it would be transparent. Everyones situation and ex is different though. Tough call.

[RedButton]

I think the fact you have to ask this question on here proves you're not indifferent. If you were you wouldn't be putting so much thought into it

 

True, I have another couple of weeks, so I don't know how I'll feel by then.

 

I guess it's something that's been on my mind as a 'should I/Shouldn't I' so wanted to talk it out, write it down etc. That always seems to help.

 

I actually thought it would make me feel better about things rather than worse. As I said, I've had no issue holding no contact after the first couple of weeks, but I felt like for some reason I should at least acknowledge the holidays as a courtesy? I don't know. \_(:/)_/

 

EDIT: Thanks so much for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it. It's been good getting the flat out 'no' responses as well as 'proceed with caution'.

[Jimmyjackson]

True, I have another couple of weeks, so I don't know how I'll feel by then.

 

I guess it's something that's been on my mind as a 'should I/Shouldn't I' so wanted to talk it out, write it down etc. That always seems to help.

 

I actually thought it would make me feel better about things rather than worse. As I said, I've had no issue holding no contact after the first couple of weeks, but I felt like for some reason I should at least acknowledge the holidays as a courtesy? I don't know. \_(:/)_/

 

EDIT: Thanks so much for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it. It's been good getting the flat out 'no' responses as well as 'proceed with caution'.

 

By all means write it down yeah, no harm done..best you express your feelings on here anyway. But i'd say you still seem emotionally involved, especially if it's only been two weeks since you last spoke. I'd just leave it if I were you, if she texts then fine reply but seems to me you want to contact her more than anything. Yes it's christmas but so what? this woman broke up with you right? it's just another day, as is her birthday.

[Light Breeze]

Ask yourself if your doing this only out of politeness and courtesy or because you want to strike a convo with her.

 

Now, imagine if she doesn't reply or if she does, replies but with a generic Thank you. If you truly feel that it won't affect you either way then I say go ahead. You said your relationship ended in good terms anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself for being courteous.

[BC1980]

Dealing With Happy Birthday?s and Big Occasions: To Send a Card or Text?Or Not To Send, That Is The Question | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

I like to refer to this wonderful post that explains why you shouldn't contact an ex on a birthday or a holiday. It's short & worth the read.

[Simon Phoenix]

I was on the fence about this, too.

 

Then I remembered how he ignored my last text to him, and how that felt lol. I'm sure it would feel even worse if my xmas sentiment was shunned..and xmas day will be exactly 4 weeks/1 month NC. He broke up with me and chose to not keep in touch since. I think I'd just look pathetic to send it. I'm interested to see if he will send me a "Merry Christmas!" but no way am I sending it first haha. If I hear nothing, well, I think that will speak volumes.

 

I know spreading Christmas cheer is harmless enough and it's a safe and flimsy way of reaching out. Doesn't look as bad as "so how're you?" haha, but I think it would be transparent. Everyones situation and ex is different though. Tough call.

 

It's not a tough call at all. You don't do it. Do you send Merry Christmases and Happy Birthdays to everyone you've ever interacted with in your life? Of course you don't. Heck, I barely give Facebook friends "Happy Birthday" messages on Facebook unless they are my close friends. Your ex is not a close friend, they are not someone you hang out with, they are just someone who was in your life who's not anymore.

 

And if the OP is asking a forum of anonymous posters whether or not they should do it, then there's no way in hell they should do it. If you were truly indifferent, you would just send it without hemming and hawing about it and be done with it. It'd be like asking the post office to hold your mail when you go out of town on an extended trip.

 

So to the OP, no, it's not a good idea. It's a very very very bad idea. You aren't healed, you aren't indifferent, and whether you are willing to admit it or not, you are fishing for a reaction, for hope. Just a bad idea.

[RedButton]

By all means write it down yeah, no harm done..best you express your feelings on here anyway. But i'd say you still seem emotionally involved, especially if it's only been two weeks since you last spoke. I'd just leave it if I were you, if she texts then fine reply but seems to me you want to contact her more than anything. Yes it's christmas but so what? this woman broke up with you right? it's just another day, as is her birthday.

 

I think you mis-read, it's been over a month and a half since we made any contact whatsoever, not two weeks. I meant that Christmas is about two weeks away.

 

I guess I find it conflicting because, yes we broke up, but we never fought or argued about it, and during out time together she was like a best friend and was there for me during some hard times.

 

I guess I've never been so close with someone in a relationship before, so I feel like I should at least acknowledge it? I know it sounds silly.

 

Ask yourself if your doing this only out of politeness and courtesy or because you want to strike a convo with her.

 

Now, imagine if she doesn't reply or if she does, replies but with a generic Thank you. If you truly feel that it won't affect you either way then I say go ahead. You said your relationship ended in good terms anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself for being courteous.

 

Honestly, I think even in January it'll be too soon to see eachother again, or even be in regular contact. I know that much, which is why I'm now leaning towards not saying anything. We both said we'd like to see each other again at some point, but only after we've both had enough time to get through things. This hasn't been enough time and I know it.

 

Dealing With Happy Birthday?s and Big Occasions: To Send a Card or Text?Or Not To Send, That Is The Question | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

I like to refer to this wonderful post that explains why you shouldn't contact an ex on a birthday or a holiday. It's short & worth the read.

 

That was a good read, thank you! I feel like it's speaking to a situation where there was more friction, but it still rings true. Like, I haven't spoken to her since the breakup, but I feel like she's still a friend worthy of sending a nice greeting to?

It's bizarre, how can she be a friend when I haven't spoken since the breakup, yet it feels that way.

 

It's not a tough call at all. You don't do it. Do you send Merry Christmases and Happy Birthdays to everyone you've ever interacted with in your life? Of course you don't. Heck, I barely give Facebook friends "Happy Birthday" messages on Facebook unless they are my close friends. Your ex is not a close friend, they are not someone you hang out with, they are just someone who was in your life who's not anymore.

 

And if the OP is asking a forum of anonymous posters whether or not they should do it, then there's no way in hell they should do it. If you were truly indifferent, you would just send it without hemming and hawing about it and be done with it. It'd be like asking the post office to hold your mail when you go out of town on an extended trip.

 

So to the OP, no, it's not a good idea. It's a very very very bad idea. You aren't healed, you aren't indifferent, and whether you are willing to admit it or not, you are fishing for a reaction, for hope. Just a bad idea.

 

As I said, usually it wouldn't be a question for me at all, but in the last year she was such a positive thing in my life and was always there for me, I feel like even though we've broken up I should send her some kind of regard on the holidays/Birthday.

 

 

 

Thanks for everyone and their replies. After reading through all of this and thinknig about it (writing it all down helps), I think I might not send anything.

 

I feel if she wants to send something to me, then I'll respond, otherwise I'll maintain giving both of us our space and time. Not just for myself, but I don't want to be responsible for ruining her day if she gets a message from me unexpectedly. If we ever contact eachother later on I think we are mature enough to understand it was too soon to send niceties during the holidays.

[carhill]

So my ex initiated the breakup

IMO, this is the key factor. One thing which can be exceedingly hard for men to understand (took me years of brutal examples before I got the memo!) is that, overwhelmingly, when women end a LTR or M they are done and, with all due respect to the man, he is zero. That's not mean, it's just how it is. We tend to think of women as these soft, caring, empathetic creatures and, sure, that's a part of their personality. They also have a leave you on the side of the road dead part. It's human. A person who was once cared for is now dead. Life goes on, not in a mean or disrespectful way but in an honest and self-respecting way. Other people get the care and empathy. The ex does not. If an exception occurs, I'll trumpet it. So far, all the women I've met in life, with friends or relationships, have been consistent and, for that, I thank them. That's all the holiday greetings necessary. Quiet thanks for a good deed done.

[BC1980]

True friends maintain contact and don't debate over sending a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas text. If that's the only contact you have with a person, that's not your friend. That's you looking for a way you keep a line of communication open because a holiday rolled around, so you have a half baked excuse to make contact.

 

Whether or not the relationship ended on good or bad terms is irrelevant to maintaining contact. It's about healing after your heart is broken. An ex is not someone who you can usually develop an organic friendship with because there is too much history. It's awkward, weird, and too emotional for both parties. If a friendship is going to happen, it will be when there are absolutely NO feelings on either side, and it will happen on it's own.

[Satu]

Not sure about Christmas, but this might be good for the birthday.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Satu

[HurtGator]

Hmm, I know it's not really going to 'achieve' anything, and I don't want to do it as a 'I want you back' type thing. It's more that she really helped me through some hard times when we were together and really meant a lot to me. I don't resent her since the breakup, although I'm getting used to the idea that I don't really want her back either and we needed to move on.

 

Bah, I don't even know. A week ago it wasn't even a question, I was definitely going to text her to say happy xmas, but now I'm starting to think it's not a good idea.

 

She breakup with you. Why do you think she deserves a Merry Christmas from you???

[Chatmonkey]

A lot of the people in this forum respond in a manor that is to avoid getting hurt more. And that completely makes sense.

 

But im going to put a spin on it...

 

You don't achieve happiness, by avoiding unhappiness.

and

Playing to win is not the same as playing not to lose.

 

Basically the point I am trying to make is being a completely passive individual during situations like these (which is what everyone is imploring with the NC tactic) is somewhat similar to the statements made above imo. It works, yes, you will stop yourself from getting any more hurt than you need to, but will you feel fulfilled/closure?

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn't mind losing in a competition, only if he knows he did everyone he possibly could do in the given time frame before it, to win. If he lost, then he has nothing to be angry about because he left no stone un-turned.

 

Conclusion.. If you feel the need to send her a message, send her a goddam message. Pain will probably come from it, but it's temporary and when the pain is past you will be glad you did things your own way.

 

"I would rather fall flat on my face and knock out all of my teeth doing things MY way, than someone saying this is the way to do it you had better go do it that way"

 

PEACE

[Simon Phoenix]

A lot of the people in this forum respond in a manor that is to avoid getting hurt more. And that completely makes sense.

 

But im going to put a spin on it...

 

You don't achieve happiness, by avoiding unhappiness.

and

Playing to win is not the same as playing not to lose.

 

Basically the point I am trying to make is being a completely passive individual during situations like these (which is what everyone is imploring with the NC tactic) is somewhat similar to the statements made above imo. It works, yes, you will stop yourself from getting any more hurt than you need to, but will you feel fulfilled/closure?

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn't mind losing in a competition, only if he knows he did everyone he possibly could do in the given time frame before it, to win. If he lost, then he has nothing to be angry about because he left no stone un-turned.

 

Conclusion.. If you feel the need to send her a message, send her a goddam message. Pain will probably come from it, but it's temporary and when the pain is past you will be glad you did things your own way.

 

"I would rather fall flat on my face and knock out all of my teeth doing things MY way, than someone saying this is the way to do it you had better go do it that way"

 

PEACE

 

How does sending a Christmas message win anything? This isn't a competition. This comparison really doesn't make sense. It's not like he's avoiding a job promotion because she works in the same company. There's no profit here. And that last quote is completely ridiculous.

[Chatmonkey]

And that last quote is completely ridiculous.

 

care to explain why

[Chatmonkey]

How does sending a Christmas message win anything? This isn't a competition. This comparison really doesn't make sense. It's not like he's avoiding a job promotion because she works in the same company. There's no profit here. And that last quote is completely ridiculous.

 

Who said anything about 'winning'?

 

Yes, there is profit.

 

you don't think very deeply, do you..

[BC1980]

Who said anything about 'winning'?

 

Yes, there is profit.

 

you don't think very deeply, do you..

 

The situation isn't that deep to be quite honest. People enjoy making it a lot more complicated than it is because that validates the hours spent ruminating on it. Contacting an ex almost always results in pain, so the conclusion we can draw is: Don't contact your ex.

 

And how in the world would sending a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas text give anyone closure? After all this time reading posts on LS, this is the first time I've heard someone say that.