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Moving on finally


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I’m writing this for two reasons. Firstly for myself, my girlfriend of close to 4 years just walked out of my life. Just a little bit ago she came over to my place we exchanged our stuff said our goodbyes and now she’s gone. Secondly I’m writing this because I know so many people have been in or are in my exact same position and if this can help anyone than that’s great.

 

I met my ex when I was 23 and she was 19. She was my first love and we were crazy about each other. Things couldn’t have been better; we were sure that we were soul mates and meant to be together. This was my first real relationship and I was over the moon that two people could feel so strongly about each other. We talked about moving in together and what it would be like to be married. Of course this was just young love speaking and neither of us were in a position where this was going to be possible. She was in school full time and I was working as a manager at a restaurant making reasonable money but wouldn’t have been able to support both of us/ pay for a wedding. She wanted me to go back to school and for a while and that’s what I thought I wanted to do as well. It became clear to me later on that I wasn’t interested in going back to school and that I wanted to pursue my dream of being a GM and eventually owner of a restaurant. This is where things started to become strained and I made a huge mistake. She continually asked me about school and I told her that I had registered and was just waiting to hear back. This was of course a lie. I hadn’t registered and absolutely did not want to go back to school. I was so scared that if I told her I didn’t want to go back she would leave me. This was my insecurity coming to bite me in the ass. Instead of being forthright and truthful I took the cowards way out and lied. Looking back now I realize that being afraid to tell her was a major red flag and I knew it but did not want to admit it. You should never feel like you can’t tell your partner something that important let alone that you should never feel like you have to lie about anything. I want to be clear that what I did was absolutely wrong, and I’m not trying to shift the blame or make excuses. This was my fault. We ended up breaking up because she felt like she could no longer trust me. The next few months that followed were some of the hardest times in my life. It was far from a clean break between us. I would often call her crying and desperate. I began to drink heavily many nights a week. We would get together and it would be the greatest thing in the world only to have her not respond to my calls for weeks after that and this would make me feel so much worse. After these episodes I would find myself going out for a week straight or more, often drinking to the point that I would almost pass out. I knew that I had to cut her out but I couldn’t, if she called me I would drop everything to go and see her. Instead of trying to process how I felt I just drank so that I would feel nothing. Then came the real dagger, I found out she had been going out with a good friend of mine who I also happened to work with. I can honestly say that I have never been more hurt and angry in my life. At this point I lost all control. I could have turned to my friends or family but instead I turned to the bottle. It got so bad to the point that it affected my work. I was showing up hung over everyday and no longer had the motivation to work hard; I risked everything that I had worked so hard for. After about 4 months of being apart we reconnected and she told me she still loved me and wanted to get back together. I knew this was a bad idea but I hadn’t even started to get over her because of the choices I made and we got back together. The first bit was like when we first met, complete bliss. Even though all my friends and family told me this was a bad idea I just threw it to the wayside because I was just so happy she was mine again. I live with my brother and she wouldn’t even acknowledge him or speak to him. This caused considerable problems between him and I. He told me that he didn’t like how he felt like he had to avoid her in his own home. I knew that my mom also did not like her. I acted as though I didn’t care. The truth is this weighed very heavily on me but I didn’t want to hurt again so instead of addressing the problem I ignored it and moved on. I know without a doubt this caused considerable strain between my family and I. I decided to ignore all of this because I decided they didn’t know what we had. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I sacrificed my relationship with my family, WITH MY FAMILY. Even my friends didn’t like her and I would acknowledge it but never do anything about it. We stuck it out for a while and things were good again for a bit but one day she called me and said she couldn’t do this anymore. Basically we’d been arguing constantly and at each other’s throats. I knew that it wasn’t working and we were both unhappy but again the coward in me came out and was **** scared of losing her so I said we should keep trying. I know that despite everything she cared for me deeply and only decided to keep trying because she didn’t want to hurt me. We kept this up for about another month and during that month things were bad really bad. She stopped saying I love you, stopped answering my calls and there was zero intimacy. I knew that this was no longer healthy and that we were both miserable (looking back we were unhappy for a long time) but wasn’t willing to admit it. I woke up one day to a text saying that she’d been really distant recently and I knew exactly what that meant. We are breaking up. She called me later that day and expressed how she felt trapped and had fallen out of love with me. I instantly fell into the same pattern as before, excessive drinking and doing anything to not deal with my true feelings. I have to say this time we broke up it felt different, between all the horrible feelings there was something I felt I wasn’t expecting a feeling of relief. We’d been in struggle for so long I had let it consume my life. I can’t even begin to tell you how many sleepless nights I had knowing that this was killing me, id tell myself constantly that I had to end it but never had the courage to. After we broke up again I fell into the same pattern, drinking and partying so I would feel nothing. Thankfully I had a friend who cared enough to give me a wake up call and said that I needed to stop acting like I’m the only person going through this. He said my situation is far from unique and that everyone has their struggles and in the grand scheme of things this really wasn’t that bad. There have been countless people who have gone though this and there will be countless more. He made an even better point when he said that its ridiculous to think that you’ll only ever love one person in your lifetime or that there is only one person out there for you. I knew that my ex and I weren’t right for each other and after some personal reflection I made a few decisions. First off I decided that I would not go down the same path as before. Trying to numb the pain instead of dealing with it was not going to happen again. I talked earlier about taking the wrong path, the path of numbing (drinking) as to not feel anything. I would liken this path as to walking in circle: you can stay on this path for as long as you’d but you’ll never get anywhere. Worst of all it will always lead you right back to where you started. Do this and trust me you’ll never give yourself a chance to heal because you’re on a path that doesn’t lead you anywhere. I’ve decided that I am going to take the more difficult path, it may take longer and be more bends in it but at the end of it you’ll be in a much better place then when you started. You’re the only person who is responsible for your happiness. You can’t look to someone else to make you happy and fulfilled. Sure they can help but you have to be happy in the first place otherwise placing your happiness and self worth completely in someone else will never end well. At the end of all of this I just want anyone who has read this to know that no matter how bad things can get you are always in control of your own fate. You can choose to take matters into your own hands or you do as I did for way too long and allow someone else to dictate your happiness. I’ve finally decided to take control of my life and try to make myself a better person. The person I loved the most in this world officially left me tonight but I am optimistic about my future because I’ve decided that I am going to take control of my life.

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Sorry impossible to read.

 

1) Paragraphs are your friend.

2) Keep it concise if you want replies no one is honestly going to try read that wall of text, at least not in full.

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