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What is the deal with "I need time" "I need space" etc...


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Old 29th October 2004, 9:18 PM   #1
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Unhappy What is the deal with "I need time" "I need space" etc...

This is one for the women here to answer... if you have ever said "I need time" "I need space" or "I want to be alone" what has it meant. I ask thi shere because my ex-GF never filled in the blanks. She seemed to like my company still the few times that we got together. But she would wait forever to return an email whereas she responded the same day before... she waits days to return a calll that was same day before. None of it makes sense to me. The only thing she acknowledged was that she was "angry with me". She said that she didn't hate me. I could hug, carressing and whatnot... but no kisses of any sort. It seemes confusing to be frank.

Can any women here clue me in. I have a NO CONTACT policy in effect and I have to say that it IS THE BEST THIG THAT I HAVE DONE... I am slowly healing and my brain and heart are feeling better.





Chico
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Old 29th October 2004, 9:22 PM   #2
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Well, it's always been my experience that when someone (regardless of male or female) says they
"need time and distance" from you.. typically it means they've met someone else...

Sorry.

She won't even say why she is pissed off? Sounds pretty wierd to me.
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Old 29th October 2004, 9:27 PM   #3
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the irony...

is that she has denied a interest in anyone else... and she is not dating anyone at present.... it has been two months now and I am marginally better clued in than when she initially broke things off.
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Old 29th October 2004, 9:35 PM   #4
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Re: the irony...

Quote:
Originally posted by chicothechimp
is that she has denied a interest in anyone else... and she is not dating anyone at present.... it has been two months now and I am marginally better clued in than when she initially broke things off.
Sucks! I'm sorry...

You know, I would just turn those tables... when she calls tell her you need time and space...

Bleck! Got to hate the games.
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Old 29th October 2004, 10:29 PM   #5
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Lightbulb I told my ex the same thing

Chico, Hey, I told my ex and the same thing. I was not interested in someone else at all. It can mean that, but if there is a significant amount of trust in the relationship, "I need space" usually doesn't mean that they've met someone else.

The phrase "I need space" when spoken by a woman, usually means, I'm confused about what to do in this relationship. She also could be hurt by something you said or done and need to be alone to kinda heal from that. I'm saying this b/c I've done it before. One of my exes hurt me badly one night, and I told him I needed space for a week. I came right back after I had time to miss him and think about what I wanted in the relationship.

There's another reason why she may need to be alone and that's b/c she may feel like you're too clingy and smothering her. That could definitely be a factor in this situation. Just look back on how you treated her and if you were clingy. I'm sure that you can figure what made her come to this conclusion. Hope this helps. ~Seductress
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Old 29th October 2004, 11:11 PM   #6
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Chico,
My experience has been that needing space is a way to take a break and consider options. It means that you are not ready to close the door on the relationship but you don't want to hurt the other person by leading him on. Of course, it hurts because it leaves you not knowing what reality is. It leaves you to wonder if she is emailing someone else, is she talking to someone else, is she flirting with the idea of doing something with someone else. It sucks to be in this position if you are the one waiting while she has the space. I hope she is not lying you because she is afraid you will close the door on the relationship if she says she is seeing someone else.

It also sucks because part of her needing space gives her a chance to see how you treat her because she wants this space. If you freak out, become upset, become obsessive - then that proves (in her mind) you aren't the one for her. (Initial reactions don't really count, IMO, because we all act that way out of hurt. She should forgive you for being human).

Thinking of myself, I would respect the man who did no contact with me if I had said I needed space. It would also make me wonder what he was doing and why he wasn't calling me. The more you pull away out of love and respect for wishes, the more it makes another person consider coming back.
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Old 30th October 2004, 12:21 AM   #7
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to al da birdz in da house

... I have really appreciated the feedback... it has given a scope of perspctive that has been much needed... YogaGirl, you seem to have nailed the vibe and groove of my ex-GF... she hasn't totally thrown things away... but she was also firm that time alone was vital and important... I care for this woman a great deal and I would honestly be willing to ride out whatever crisis or challenge she was wrestling with... but she has asked of me the hardest thing: I cannot love you as you love me at present so please give me space... it has truly shattered my esteem but I have been rising from the ashes to get a new groove and life happening... I hope that she is in it... but I am planning as if she isn't and just going on with new plans and goals... I feel unbelievably close to tears at times... but other times I am exceedingly glad for her company and the many excellent times/conversations that we shared... she is a jewel among woman... if we remain as friends long term I will become used to that... yes, after sexual intimacy, it will be brutally hard... but it is possible... she is worth the efort to build a new friendship...

feel free to offer any other input or suggestions, ladies... you know, it really is amazing how many tears a strong man can shed in private over missing someone.




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Old 30th October 2004, 3:25 AM   #8
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also...

I think that seductress989 also nailed the clingy thing... it would be nice if women just came out and said things... heh, heh... but I do see where I was too clingy with her... like I said, she is cool about getting together and "having fun"... but I did tell her that it can be downright crazy to now just hang out and "have fun" when she comes across as selfishly bailing on a 2-year relationship without making a serious attempt to work things out in the least... ladies is that par to the course or is that just flakey from your perspective? ... that being said, I am trying the friend thing... but before I do that I asked her for a month or two of NO CONTACT to get some things figured out... she was cool with that and doubted that I would follow through with it... to date I have... why you women have to be sooooooo perplexing is beyond me.
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Old 30th October 2004, 3:46 AM   #9
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chico


i know its hard, i am in the same position with my gf, and have been in nc for 2 weeks, but you do need to give her what she wants for the moment. i did the same thing when she said she wanted space, i begged pleaded etc for 3 weeks, but at the end of the day, how unattractive i must have looked to her. Think about it, when you first met did she fall in love with you because you were a clingy insecure person? I doubt it. She won't come back to that type of person, she will come back to a secure confident person with whom she fell in love with. you have to give it time, and if shes confused she won't enjoy any time spent together that is "pressure" time, she needs to know that you both can enjoy time together without any hang ups. I dont think this is a girl thing, its a general observation.

NC helps you become stronger and get back to the type of person you were when you first met, and if she decides not to give it a go at least you are better equipped to deal with it. Which would you prefer, the knowledge that she came back because you asked, or the knowledge that she had come back on her own accord ? As for her telling you straight that you are clingy, why should she? She needs to know that you can see your mistake and work it out for yourself, otherwise if she tells you then you aren't really learning a lesson, you are simply doing what she says. She doesn't want a lapdog, she wants a confident guy who can show that although he would prefer to be with her it isn't a case of i have to have you because i need you and i will go to pieces if i don't.

Be strong, if she truly loves you she will be there in time.
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Old 30th October 2004, 4:46 AM   #10
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It is brutally hard I know, and confusing especially if you like me are a person who likes to deal with pain by keeping closer to ther person. My ex boyfriend is someone who needs time and space to heal from hurts, and to feel back in control. Its very, very hard for the other person as you never know what their feelings really are for you or if they are going to come back. Its much harder than moving on from a relationship that you are sure has no future.

Its also hard to give someone the relaxed contact they want when youre feelings angry and hurt and wanting to work things out - in effect you have to hide your own feelings for their sake and put your own needs aside. My ex-boyfriend asks me how I am every day and I say "good", which is bull****. But it's becoming more true with every day as I sort other things in my life out and figure out why I ****ed up.

As for explanations. I don't think its a woman thing, its a personality thing, I'm a woman and I would never behave like that towards someone I still had an interest in. My ex-boyfriend has an issue with being made to feel responsible for other peoples feelings, or any kind of emotional pressue. There could also be a timing issue - I have been in phases of my life where I wasnt ready for any commitment, and I really mean I wasnt ready inside, I was too clueless, selfish, I wouldnt have known how to handle a relationship, I think if I'd met a potentially right person then I would have walked on by or messed it up. I've seen other guys do this too - a good friend of mine messed up a relationship with a girl he really cared for and came to regret it.

Your girlfriend might also have the feeling that you want her to fulfil your needs rather than want her for *her* if you see the difference. Theres a guy I know who hits on me every time I'm single, and completly dissapears from my life in between - I find that rather irritating, his obvious desparation for "a girlfriend" makes him behave in ways that are unattractive even though I get on well with him. Clinginess is unnattractive to a lot of people (I wouldn't say always as I have seen desparation and emotional pressure work but only when thats what the person whos leaving is seeking from the clinger, after they left for other reasons).
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Old 30th October 2004, 9:58 PM   #11
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My ex needed "space", but I know full well that she wanted to see someone else. I've moved on with my life, and if she ever tries to come back (I won't hold my breath), I'll tell her to get an oxygen refill and head back out into the outer reaches of our solar system.
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