Inside the mind of a dumper

[happiness0421]

Hi, all,

 

I'd like to share with you what it feels like to be the dumper in a relationship. Although I am hoping this will help give some insight to people, I am also doing it for partly selfish reasons as I just ended a long-term relationship that for all intensive purposes, seemed to be great.

 

As a side note, I have also been the dumpee, but I feel more equipped to write as the dumper because I have ended to two relationships (6 year & 1.5 year) and both were extremely difficult.

 

Let me start by sharing that after the breakup, if you have any heart and soul at all, you feel like a complete and utter piece of sh*t for having to hurt the other person. It feels like your heart is breaking right along with theirs. But the thing is, even though you've spent years with this person in a loving relationship where you cared about one another, treated each other well, and enjoyed one another's company, at some point that gut feeling surfaced that made you feel like something wasn't right. You ignored this feeling at first, telling yourself that it would go away in time. But the problem is, it never does. It ebbs and flows - sometimes a small twang in your chest, other times a crippling tightness. It's like a mosquito buzzing in your ear that you shoo away, only to come back buzzing louder and louder each time.

 

When the feeling first comes about, you try your best to rationalize why it's not a big deal. How can I have this feeling? This person is so great. He treats me so well. We have a great relationship. The thing is, no amount of rationalization will make it better. It only gets worse over time. And for me, it actually manifested itself into physical symptoms. I would walk around with a tightness in my chest, a clenched jaw, a flushed body due to my brain trying to tell me something about my emotions. But each time, I ignored it - and the pain only got worse.

 

Then, one day, you wake up and realize that not only is it messed up that you are living with these feelings, but you are depriving the person you are with as well. They may not know it (and this is the problem - why so many dumpers get a bad reputation), but you are depriving them of being loved the way they truly deserve to be loved. Who wants to be with a partner that has a funny unsure feeling every time they are together? Who wants to be with a partner that doesn't know whether or not they can commit to you for the rest of their life? How wildly unfair is that to the person you are with? So, you realize that you have to end it.

 

Then you end it. And your partner is shocked. Of course, they didn't see it coming at all. There may have been small inclinations here and there, but because they were loving you to the full extent of their character, they thought you were doing the same. The most painful part of all of it is having to admit that you don't love them as much as they love you. You have tired and tried to will yourself into loving them the way they deserve to be loved, but that's not how love works. And they leave, and they tell you that the best years of their life were with you, that they'll always love you and if you change your mind, they'll be there waiting for you. And your heart breaks all over again because they think what they had with you was the perfect love, even though you know in your heart that they can be loved fuller, longer, deeper than what you could ever give them.

 

You may see some dumpers rebound. I did it once, after the 6-year relationship. Bottom line is, the dumper is just trying to fill a void and it will probably end poorly (as mine did after 4 months). What you DON'T see is how truly guilty and upset the dumper feels. Facebook and other social medias are just a mask for what's really going on. As the dumper, I have not stopped crying since before I got home to have 'the talk' with my partner. I take sleeping meds so I can get decent rest. I lay in bed for hours thinking about you, and how horrible I feel, and the look on your face when I told you I couldn't do this anymore, and where you are now and wondering if you're crying as much as I am. Wondering if your support system will help you or if you'll sink into sadness and loneliness. And I will try to get by, go to my job and go out with friends, all the while that guilt and heartbreak still being there.

 

Someday, the pain will subside. Someday, I hope that you meet someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. And I hope I meet someone that when I sit down to be with them, there is no mosquito buzzing in my ear. But for now, we feel loss, pain, and a tiny drop of hope that things will get better.

[QueenVic]

As a recent dumper (and long long time lurker) this post really speaks to me. Thanks for putting my feelings into words. I'm usually the dumpee so the emotions I'm feeling are scary and making me doubt everything so to have them laid out like this is very helpful. Thank you.

[Dobie]

crock of s**t when it comes to some dumpers, you sound like you are a normal emotionally healthy person . Cant say the same about all dumpers my x was nothing but wicked , cruel and selfish .

 

im sorry as well if the other person is so awesome you should not be dumping them esp via a blindside .

 

if you have a "gut feeling" (typicall womens talk) you owe it to yo out what the problem is and at least try and fix it esp after 6 years. Not referring to your situation "happiness" just my dumper

Edited December 13, 2014 by Dobie

[Jimmyjackson]

Does the dumpers feelings for the dumpee ever return?

[Light Breeze]

Hey OP,

 

Thank you for that new perspective as I have never been a dumper.

 

Just a question though, if you get that "gut feeling" over and over again in your future relationships then does that mean you're going to dump again and again these loving partners?

 

I think I'm not qualified to comment on this, but, I still think relationship should also be based on compromise and commitment and not just "gut feelings" Otherwise, the forever kind of relationship might never come.

[erklat]

I think that most of the dumpees and myself included are entitled to decide themselves

If we are happy in a relationship or not.

 

I think that you are desperately trying to relieve your guilt and I don't think that you will

Find whatever you are looking for among the brokenhearted.

 

Whatever you do in a relationship, you are doing it primarily for yourself.

[HurtGator]

OP, were you ever in love with the people you eventually dumped? If so what did they do to make you lose that love? Did they cheat on you, abuse you, lie to you?

[organizedchaos]

OP, were you ever in love with the people you eventually dumped? If so what did they do to make you lose that love? Did they cheat on you, abuse you, lie to you?

 

OP, while you were having all these uneasy feelings, unsure, did you ever try to talk to your partner about them? Address what was going on with them?

[BC1980]

I think that most of the dumpees and myself included are entitled to decide themselves

If we are happy in a relationship or not.

 

I think that you are desperately trying to relieve your guilt and I don't think that you will

Find whatever you are looking for among the brokenhearted.

 

Whatever you do in a relationship, you are doing it primarily for yourself.

 

My ex told me that I needed to find someone who could love me better than him, that I deserved someone who could love me fully, all of that talk. I just felt like he was trying to rationalize what he did and make out like he was doing this "for me" or with my best interests at heart. I sincerely doubt that my interests came before his. I felt that if he ever loved me at all, he would have stopped the relationship when he had doubts or at least talked to me about his doubts. What he did was allow me to continue investing for 3 years when I'm sure he knew all along that he wasn't in it 100%. I think that is completely selfish on his part.

 

OP, I do thank you for posting this because it sounds like what my ex may have gone through. Of course, I don't want to be with someone who feels unsure of me. No one wants that, but it's too little too late after years of being unaware that the person even felt this way. For purely selfish reasons, I would love for my ex to feel a tremendous amount of guilt, but I'm not sure he does or ever did.

[happiness0421]

Hi all, OP here. To answer some questions:

 

1. Neither partner ever did anything (lie, cheat, abuse) to make me want to leave. They were honestly great guys. I think my biggest issue is that these guys make their lives revolve around me, and to be honest, I may have felt a little suffocated.

2. I definitely have had/will have periods of missing my partner and wishing we had the life we were leading back. But because I know what my heart was telling me to do, I know that I can't go back to these partners because I'd be lying to myself all over again.

3. There is definitely part of me that worries there is something wrong with me because I cannot let these people stay in my life. Why can't I just be one of those people that is so blissfully happy in their relationship? I am a kind, affectionate girlfriend, I make compromises when necessary, etc. but there is part of me that is so fiercely independent that sometimes I think I need someone more like that instead of someone that will be a puppy dog with me.

4. There is absolute truth to someone telling you that they want you to have better. I'm proof of that. I know how selfish it may sound, and how angry a dumpee can get when hearing that. But all I can say is that it is so, so true. I hate the fact that it is true and I wished more than anything that these relationships (especially the most recent one) could have brought out different feelings from me...but they didn't.

 

Does this make sense to anyone?

[Itspointless]

I think that you are desperately trying to relieve your guilt and I don't think that you will

Find whatever you are looking for among the brokenhearted.

Why not? I never have been a dumper but I can see that it is hard if you love someone else but not in the right manner to continue. I just hope that he was a good communicator during the years like organizedchaos asked.

[HurtGator]

Hi all, OP here. To answer some questions:

 

1. Neither partner ever did anything (lie, cheat, abuse) to make me want to leave. They were honestly great guys. I think my biggest issue is that these guys make their lives revolve around me, and to be honest, I may have felt a little suffocated.

2. I definitely have had/will have periods of missing my partner and wishing we had the life we were leading back. But because I know what my heart was telling me to do, I know that I can't go back to these partners because I'd be lying to myself all over again.

3. There is definitely part of me that worries there is something wrong with me because I cannot let these people stay in my life. Why can't I just be one of those people that is so blissfully happy in their relationship? I am a kind, affectionate girlfriend, I make compromises when necessary, etc. but there is part of me that is so fiercely independent that sometimes I think I need someone more like that instead of someone that will be a puppy dog with me.

4. There is absolute truth to someone telling you that they want you to have better. I'm proof of that. I know how selfish it may sound, and how angry a dumpee can get when hearing that. But all I can say is that it is so, so true. I hate the fact that it is true and I wished more than anything that these relationships (especially the most recent one) could have brought out different feelings from me...but they didn't.

 

Does this make sense to anyone?

 

So you're one of those stereotypical serial heart breakers?? Lol

 

In all seriousness though, do you disclose this info to guys you start to date? Maybe you should be telling them you are only looking for relationships where there is no long term commitment. I don't think its fair to get involved with good guys to later have them crushed because they thoight you were in it for the long haul. See you feel like you're being smothered. One thing a guy can do is to continuously play mind games with you to keep you interested. In other words, have a great time one weekend then make himself unavailable for a few days ignoring any communication you make so that you'd stay to wonder what the heck is going on so that your start to doubt yourself and his intentions. I know friends that play this game with girls for long periods of time to keep their gfs addicted. Would you rather have that type of guy or a guy who you know will be there for you no matter what?

[Light Breeze]

So you just basically fell out of love with these guys? Makes sense. Everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness after all.

 

Well, Personally I don't want to hear ever again that "I love you but not in love with you" line. I hope I find someone with same values in a relationship i.e. loyalty, effort,communication, commitment etc etc.

[HurtGator]

So you just basically fell out of love with these guys? Makes sense. Everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness after all.

 

Well, Personally I don't want to hear ever again that "I love you but not in love with you" line. I hope I find someone with same values in a relationship i.e. loyalty, effort,communication, commitment etc etc.

 

Exactly I feel the same way. Its so hard to find people who believe in the things you listed above. I thought my exgf had those qualities because that was what she was constantly communicating to me. But it all ended up being fake when she dropped me for some other guy. She said I did nothing wrong for her to break up with me, its just that her feelings changed after more than two years.

[organizedchaos]

Hi all, OP here. To answer some questions:

 

1. Neither partner ever did anything (lie, cheat, abuse) to make me want to leave. They were honestly great guys. I think my biggest issue is that these guys make their lives revolve around me, and to be honest, I may have felt a little suffocated.

2. I definitely have had/will have periods of missing my partner and wishing we had the life we were leading back. But because I know what my heart was telling me to do, I know that I can't go back to these partners because I'd be lying to myself all over again.

3. There is definitely part of me that worries there is something wrong with me because I cannot let these people stay in my life. Why can't I just be one of those people that is so blissfully happy in their relationship? I am a kind, affectionate girlfriend, I make compromises when necessary, etc. but there is part of me that is so fiercely independent that sometimes I think I need someone more like that instead of someone that will be a puppy dog with me.

4. There is absolute truth to someone telling you that they want you to have better. I'm proof of that. I know how selfish it may sound, and how angry a dumpee can get when hearing that. But all I can say is that it is so, so true. I hate the fact that it is true and I wished more than anything that these relationships (especially the most recent one) could have brought out different feelings from me...but they didn't.

 

Does this make sense to anyone?

 

Going back to my question. Do you ever TALK to your partners about these feelings you're having while IN the relationship to maybe work things out?

[Light Breeze]

Exactly I feel the same way. Its so hard to find people who believe in the things you listed above. I thought my exgf had those qualities because that was what she was constantly communicating to me. But it all ended up being fake when she dropped me for some other guy. She said I did nothing wrong for her to break up with me, its just that her feelings changed after more than two years.

 

Good to hear there are others like me.

 

My exgf blindsides me with a breakup after 7 years, more than two months ago then falls in love with someone two weeks after. She tells me that this man is what "fate" brought her (probably cheated on me). Says she was falling out of love with me for years but prior to the breakup she also communicated that we had the same values how much she was "in love with me".

 

I won't be a fool next time.

[happiness0421]

Hi again all - to answer the burning question: in the six-year relationship, no. I broke it off with him at one point, expressing my feelings, but then we got back together. Shockingly, it did not work the second time around.

 

With this most recent relationship, I vowed that I would never fail to communicate like I did in the first relationship. When I began having these feelings, I went to him (upset, of course) and explained how I felt. His response was that we were going to work through it and it was going to be okay, and I wanted that to be the case so badly that I decided to stay. A few months later, i still had those feelings, got upset and went to him. Even started seeing a counselor to see what the f was wrong with me that I was having these feelings. Even after such open communication and seeing a therapist, I still could not shake the feeling that this relationship wasn't meant to be. When I sat my partner down to end things, it was the first thing I said: "Do you remember when I came to you and said I was having these feelings? Do you remember me coming to you a second time and expressing the fact that those same feelings have not subsided?" And then I explained how I couldn't continue to live feeling the way I did.

 

I am a very sensitive person who has always been very intuitive and relied on my instincts and feelings to make choices in my life. This year, 4 years after ending my first long-term relationship, my ex came to me and told me that he finally understood what I went through when I broke up with him (because he had to do the same thing with the person who he truly cared about, but couldn't see himself spending the rest of his life with). He said that not only did he have a whole new respect for me for doing what I did, but he also realized why it was so important to do it back then. I'm not setting out to be a martyr, just to be as honest as possible with myself and others and hoping that all of us can eventually find the love we are seeking.

[Light Breeze]

Hi OP,

 

I sincerely wish you the best and hope you find your man and your happiness.

 

As for me, I stand by what I said and hopefully the woman I get to be next with would not rely solely on "gut feelings" or butterflies or whatever.

[HurtGator]

Good to hear there are others like me.

 

My exgf blindsides me with a breakup after 7 years, more than two months ago then falls in love with someone two weeks after. She tells me that this man is what "fate" brought her (probably cheated on me). Says she was falling out of love with me for years but prior to the breakup she also communicated that we had the same values how much she was "in love with me".

 

I won't be a fool next time.

 

The problem is that its extremely hard not to get fooled by it. How do you know the other person is in the relationship for loyalty and not just for the feelings?

 

My two+ year relationship wasn't as long as yours but I feel like it was all for nothing. As I've mentioned in other threads, I did as much as I humanly can for her, always being a gentleman for her, always there for her family, always helping her with everything she's ever needed help with. We were always doing stuff together so I never really neglected her. Yes, I stayed late at work in spurts over a period of time, but I always found a way to spend time with her. During this time our families are bonding and inviting each other over for holidays, she's telling me how amazing I am, how lucky she is, how she wants to marry me. She wanted to look at properties, and schools for our kids, etc.. ec.. etc... blah blah blah. In fact, two weeks before the breakup she was telling me she wants us to get married in her parent's church because it would mean so much to her. It's impossible not to be fooled by this. After all of this, her feelings just changed and now she's dating a new guy two days after break up.

 

OP, that is inside of the mind of a dumpee who thought the dumper was being sincere in what they were saying when they loved the dumpee throughout the course of a LTR. Not to be harsh, but if you feel like there is something wrong with you (point #3) then be honest with people you start dating by warning them you tend to just lose feelings for people after a while because you eventually get bored.

[HurtGator]

Hi again all - to answer the burning question: in the six-year relationship, no. I broke it off with him at one point, expressing my feelings, but then we got back together. Shockingly, it did not work the second time around.

 

With this most recent relationship, I vowed that I would never fail to communicate like I did in the first relationship. When I began having these feelings, I went to him (upset, of course) and explained how I felt. His response was that we were going to work through it and it was going to be okay, and I wanted that to be the case so badly that I decided to stay. A few months later, i still had those feelings, got upset and went to him. Even started seeing a counselor to see what the f was wrong with me that I was having these feelings. Even after such open communication and seeing a therapist, I still could not shake the feeling that this relationship wasn't meant to be. When I sat my partner down to end things, it was the first thing I said: "Do you remember when I came to you and said I was having these feelings? Do you remember me coming to you a second time and expressing the fact that those same feelings have not subsided?" And then I explained how I couldn't continue to live feeling the way I did.

 

I am a very sensitive person who has always been very intuitive and relied on my instincts and feelings to make choices in my life. This year, 4 years after ending my first long-term relationship, my ex came to me and told me that he finally understood what I went through when I broke up with him (because he had to do the same thing with the person who he truly cared about, but couldn't see himself spending the rest of his life with). He said that not only did he have a whole new respect for me for doing what I did, but he also realized why it was so important to do it back then. I'm not setting out to be a martyr, just to be as honest as possible with myself and others and hoping that all of us can eventually find the love we are seeking.

 

I'm sorry you keep going through the same thing over and over with your bfs. LTRs like marriages are about commitments, loyalty, companionship, trust, etc.. etc.. The infatuation, butterfly feelings, etc are important too, but they are only good in the beginning of the relationship. Those are the things that initiate attraction in the early stages of the relationship. Eventually ALL relationships will pass through this honeymoon phase and real life sets in. By this point, you figure out if the person you're infatuated with is loyal, honest, and trustworthy because those are the qualities that will take the relationship down the long haul... not the butterflies because those will be long gone by then. But if you say your exs did nothing wrong, and they were the type that have done anything they possibly could to fix things with you, then I think you missed out on good guys that would have taken care of you no matter.

[Chin Up]

happiness0421,

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. I bawled my eyes out as I read it, but in a good way. It was strangely therapeutic and a lot of the resentment and bitterness I've been harboring, lifted. It was sad as hell to read, but I got relief from it.

 

Sometimes what's best for someone else, isn't what's best for us.

 

I think it's easy to forget that as the dumpee.

[BC1980]

Hi again all - to answer the burning question: in the six-year relationship, no. I broke it off with him at one point, expressing my feelings, but then we got back together. Shockingly, it did not work the second time around.

 

With this most recent relationship, I vowed that I would never fail to communicate like I did in the first relationship. When I began having these feelings, I went to him (upset, of course) and explained how I felt. His response was that we were going to work through it and it was going to be okay, and I wanted that to be the case so badly that I decided to stay. A few months later, i still had those feelings, got upset and went to him. Even started seeing a counselor to see what the f was wrong with me that I was having these feelings. Even after such open communication and seeing a therapist, I still could not shake the feeling that this relationship wasn't meant to be. When I sat my partner down to end things, it was the first thing I said: "Do you remember when I came to you and said I was having these feelings? Do you remember me coming to you a second time and expressing the fact that those same feelings have not subsided?" And then I explained how I couldn't continue to live feeling the way I did.

 

I am a very sensitive person who has always been very intuitive and relied on my instincts and feelings to make choices in my life. This year, 4 years after ending my first long-term relationship, my ex came to me and told me that he finally understood what I went through when I broke up with him (because he had to do the same thing with the person who he truly cared about, but couldn't see himself spending the rest of his life with). He said that not only did he have a whole new respect for me for doing what I did, but he also realized why it was so important to do it back then. I'm not setting out to be a martyr, just to be as honest as possible with myself and others and hoping that all of us can eventually find the love we are seeking.

 

I do thank you for sharing your feelings.

[Light Breeze]

The problem is that its extremely hard not to get fooled by it. How do you know the other person is in the relationship for loyalty and not just for the feelings?

 

My two+ year relationship wasn't as long as yours but I feel like it was all for nothing. As I've mentioned in other threads, I did as much as I humanly can for her, always being a gentleman for her, always there for her family, always helping her with everything she's ever needed help with. We were always doing stuff together so I never really neglected her. Yes, I stayed late at work in spurts over a period of time, but I always found a way to spend time with her. During this time our families are bonding and inviting each other over for holidays, she's telling me how amazing I am, how lucky she is, how she wants to marry me. She wanted to look at properties, and schools for our kids, etc.. ec.. etc... blah blah blah. In fact, two weeks before the breakup she was telling me she wants us to get married in her parent's church because it would mean so much to her. It's impossible not to be fooled by this. After all of this, her feelings just changed and now she's dating a new guy two days after break up.

 

OP, that is inside of the mind of a dumpee who thought the dumper was being sincere in what they were saying when they loved the dumpee throughout the course of a LTR. Not to be harsh, but if you feel like there is something wrong with you (point #3) then be honest with people you start dating by warning them you tend to just lose feelings for people after a while because you eventually get bored.

 

Yeah I get your point,

 

Something really similar happened to me.

I guess all we really have is hope. But, what can I say after this debacle is that I won't be naive and would be more discerning in the future. As much as possible try to weed out those women who are just after the everlasting butterflies in stomach relationship. (Not talking about you OP but my dumper)

 

Try to find that true genuine unconditional love, that is my hope.

[erklat]

My ex told me that I needed to find someone who could love me better than him, that I deserved someone who could love me fully, all of that talk. I just felt like he was trying to rationalize what he did and make out like he was doing this "for me" or with my best interests at heart.

 

Imo that is just another flavor of typical 'it's not you, it's me' speech.

[Itspointless]

3. There is definitely part of me that worries there is something wrong with me because I cannot let these people stay in my life. Why can't I just be one of those people that is so blissfully happy in their relationship? I am a kind, affectionate girlfriend, I make compromises when necessary, etc. but there is part of me that is so fiercely independent

Fiercely independent huh? Your answers make me really curious to your attachment-style: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

 

The image of independence can sign to very healthy behaviour or patterns that seem healthy but are not that healthy. This test can also learn you a lot about your communication if you read more about the outcome.