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Met a great guy, but then he moved in after only 1 week. Need a break, what to say?


SubliminalSessions

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SubliminalSessions

So around the end of October, I met a guy one night while at a Halloween party. We spent a couple of nights together, but then on the 3rd time we met, he somehow 'moved in' with me. I know he mentioned he was having some roommate issues, but at the time he came with just a suitcase so I presumed he was just visiting with me. But then, it turned out that he was actually homeless and just couch surfing. On top of that, he got fired from the job he just got hired at, within a week of knowing him (because he doesn't know when to bite his tongue).

 

Well, he is a great partner in many ways...but over the last 3 weeks, I'm realizing he's depressed, down on his luck, and it's really bringing me down. We've had 2 conversations about finding work and my inability to live with anyone right now due to my lease conditions and the size of my apartment which is very small. And since he's only worked 2 days since I've known him, I see his face everyday.

 

This whole thing has become a nightmare in disguise, and I can't have this guy living with me anymore. He turns passive aggressive, starts crying, and is too emotional. I also need my space! Ive lived on my own for years. I try to tell him constructive things, or tell him I need space, and he quickly assumes i want to breakup. I don't want to breakup, but I def. need a break. I'm trying to get us to part ways when I leave for Christmas next week, but I don't want him staying at my place! We were going to go down to Florida together for awhile and visit my family (he introduced me to his for thanksgiving), but his unpredictable quiet treatments would drive me crazy, and I don't need that energy when I'm around my family. My friends say, "where is he gonna go?" I say: he's ten years older than me, it's not up to me to provide him shelter. What can I do?

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Ask him to leave politely if that does not work then you must call the police.

 

 

Try having some male friends assist you that are not meat heads. Find him a shelter etc. If you need to ease your conscience.

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Ugh...wow.

 

No offence but what is great about this guy again? He's emotionally blackmailed you into living with you...and on top of that, he had problems with his previous roommate (probably due to similar issues / no money).

 

Now, with that said, sometimes I think charity can be bad for someone's motivation to innovate and find solutions. I know of some people in Canada that are fully able to work and contribute to society, but instead chose to collect a welfare check every month...I seriously believe they would be working if they didn't have that opportunity.

 

Instead of him mopping around, he should be considering you and try to find a solution about how to fix things / get a job. Sounds like he's content with doing nothing and taking you along for a useless (expensiveless for him) ride. Its up to you to cut off the charity and force him to make something out of himself.

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evanescentworld

Give him $5.00.

Ask him to go to the store and buy you something obscure, like Indian paneer cheese... if he can't find it there, ask him to go *someplace else* to find it.

While he's out, pack his case, leave it on your doorstep with a note, saying "Thanking you for a great time, but it's time for both of us to move on now!"

 

Go out, and take your keys with you.

Go out for the day.

Turn your phone off.

Change your number, and block him on email.

 

Consider the $5.00 well spent.

 

THAT is your solution.

Whether you actually take the advice is, of course, entirely your choice.

 

Consider what the alternative will be, while making your choice, though. ;)

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That's what friends and family are for. Failing that there are Social Services, shelters, etc. You're a well-meaning stranger, not a family member, and he's exploiting your generosity. Crying and giving you the silent treatment when he's already imposing on you in an unreasonable manner is emotional blackmail.

 

Send him out on an errand and while he's out, change the locks. If he creates a scene or tries to break in when he gets back, call the police. They'll give him shelter.

 

You better do something quickly. In many jurisdictions in the US, if he squats in your home for thirty days, and you allow him to stay there, you have to go through the process of formally evicting him (a 3-6 month ordeal) when he refuses to leave.

 

As for your friends telling you to let him stay, suggest they take him in since they're so concerned.

 

Please work on your boundaries and deal breakers. This guy seems to have had more red flags than China! No one normal shows up on your doorstep with a suitcase after two or three dates.

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You are not responsible for him.

 

You are responsible for yourself.

 

Get him out of your apartment as soon as possible by any means that aren't illegal.

 

The longer he stays the harder it will be.

 

Don't delay.

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todreaminblue

sit hom down talk to him tell him this isnt working out....the guy needs help......ask him can you call his family for him.......if not ...actively help him to find alternative accommodation involve him in the process of looking for accommodation......search the papers for a dishwashing job and try and motivate him to go to interviews.........everyone is going to say just turf him......a guy down on his luck......i wouldnt ...thats my advice.....

 

i think sending him out to find cheese and then packing his bags is cowardly and cruel...especially for a guy who is down and depressed...its horrible.........you let him move in....so now accept responsibility to help him move out......that is my suggestion..one that might make you feel good about asking him to go ...more motivatiONAL and positive.....good karma.... and a guy who you profess is basically good...help him to find his feet in life............deb

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evanescentworld
sit hom down talk to him tell him this isnt working out....the guy needs help......ask him can you call his family for him.......if not ...actively help him to find alternative accommodation involve him in the process of looking for accommodation......search the papers for a dishwashing job and try and motivate him to go to interviews.........everyone is going to say just turf him......a guy down on his luck......i wouldnt ...thats my advice.....

 

i think sending him out to find cheese and then packing his bags is cowardly and cruel...especially for a guy who is down and depressed...its horrible.........you let him move in....so now accept responsibility to help him move out......that is my suggestion..one that might make you feel good about asking him to go ...more motivatiONAL and positive.....good karma.... and a guy who you profess is basically good...help him to find his feet in life............deb

 

Sorry Deb, but based on this -

 

He turns passive aggressive, starts crying, and is too emotional. I also need my space! Ive lived on my own for years. I try to tell him constructive things, or tell him I need space, and he quickly assumes i want to breakup. I don't want to breakup, but I def. need a break. I'm trying to get us to part ways when I leave for Christmas next week, but I don't want him staying at my place! We were going to go down to Florida together for awhile and visit my family (he introduced me to his for thanksgiving), but his unpredictable quiet treatments would drive me crazy, and I don't need that energy when I'm around my family. My friends say, "where is he gonna go?" I say: he's ten years older than me, it's not up to me to provide him shelter.

I think she needs to be cruel to be kind.

Compassion isn't all pink and fluffy all the time. Sometimes, very sadly, it's a swift and painful kick up the @zz....

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SubliminalSessions

I appreciate all the responses. I couldn't quite bring myself to answer right away because I kinda surprised at how others viewed this situation. I knew it didn't feel right, but just seeing it from someone else's perspective brings a whole new light to it.

 

Ugh...wow.

 

No offence but what is great about this guy again? He's emotionally blackmailed you into living with you...and on top of that, he had problems with his previous roommate (probably due to similar issues / no money).

 

Now, with that said, sometimes I think charity can be bad for someone's motivation to innovate and find solutions. I know of some people in Canada that are fully able to work and contribute to society, but instead chose to collect a welfare check every month...I seriously believe they would be working if they didn't have that opportunity.

 

Instead of him mopping around, he should be considering you and try to find a solution about how to fix things / get a job. Sounds like he's content with doing nothing and taking you along for a useless (expensiveless for him) ride. Its up to you to cut off the charity and force him to make something out of himself.

 

When I say great, I mean that like he cooks, is very romantic and charming, does things around the house, and is seemingly available for a relationship emotionally, but with his down on his lifestyle change from having a house and car 2-3 years ago to having nothing but a suitcase makes me feel maybe this is NOT the time to start a new relationship.

 

It appears now he has a weekender job, but guess who has to take him there and pick him up 15 miles away? Another thing I want to ask is, instead of doing the cruel get something from the store and lock him out scenario, how can I go about telling him we need a break over the holidays, aka...figure out your travel/accommodation plans so I can figure out whether this is something I can continue doing...

 

I have a friend who tells me, "if he moves out, the relationship will be over". But this is the girl who let her husband move in after 2 months, and divorced! I'm just like, well if that's the case, so be it. If a guy wants to break up because i feel moving in after a week is too soon, that'll show me whether this is real or not.

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Just tell him to go.

 

Anything else said will lead to him arguing.

 

If needed call the police.

 

 

Or while he's at work this weekend put his things outside the door and change the locks ( which you'll need to do anyway).

 

He's a mooch! He will only mooch as long as you "allow it". Don't allow it a minute longer!

 

 

Read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/503374-wtf-going-here

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Sorry, the negatives out way the positive. You can find a guy who cooks, is loving, great in bed and that has his own place, car, job and sense of responsibility. Those qualities can be found...don't think you've found a great catch here.

 

Moving in with someone as quickly as you have. It isn't healthy. You sound like you're a great woman with a gold heart, please don't continue with this guy any longer and be with someone who is more worth it.

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OP, run!

 

I have similar experience, he moved in after the third date inofficially, and 1 month after we signed a lease together; oh, 2 weeks after he lost his "job". Apart from the first month rent, he paid NOTHING for the apartment, I covered all his living expenses over our "relationship" and I have HUMONGOUS problems breaking the lease to escape from him now. It cost me >8000 over the 5 months of "relationship" and who knows how much more from now on...

 

He IS also emotionally unstable, alcoholic, creates drama, tears, has tons of legal trouble. He also looked great, emotionally available, committed ...

 

See my last tread for details.

 

This type of men are criminal conartists if anything... Sorry I am so harsh but I feel horrible after what happened to me and want to prevent it for others.

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todreaminblue
Sorry Deb, but based on this -

 

 

I think she needs to be cruel to be kind.

Compassion isn't all pink and fluffy all the time. Sometimes, very sadly, it's a swift and painful kick up the @zz....

 

i think being cruel sets a precedence for how you want to be treated......i never want to be treated cruelly neither i feel does anyone..unless of course you are masochism personified.......

 

 

so why be cruel to be kind......those two things....shouldnt be in the same sentence......they are polar opposites for a reason....kindness.....is what we should all seek to be with others...no matter how clingy or over emotional someone is...no one human on earth deserves cruelty...the word should be abolished...certainly never practiced..........and not be an act anyone does for any reason against human or animal.......i think theres a higher state of being where cruelty is not thought of...i like the thought of humane practices....done with humanity in mind...a state of imperfection that you recognise in yourself......so you accept imperfection in others....and you remain kind....gentle....forgiving...and helpful instead of making someone help.....less........i respect your strength of character and conviction behind your words.......i however will never agree with cruel to be kind.........deb

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Sit him down, and have a talk. Explain you don't want to live with someone so early on. He needs to find another living arrangement.

 

I'm sure you can do your own cleaning and cooking. You don't need this guy mooching off you.

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Him cleaning and cooking is so that you keep him there longer. To him it's free... Way cheaper to clean and cook than to pay rent on his own place.

 

Demand half your rent money if you plan to have him stay. Demanding money will motivate him to leave quickly and find another gal to mooch off of.

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SubliminalSessions

As it turns out, there's more going on than him just being down on his luck. I have opened my door to him, driven him to and from work (the 3 days he worked since October), helped him through his DAILY emotional/crybaby BS...and this guy did nothing but complain all night long to me last night about, "oh you never take me out (yet i took him along to Vegas last month), and that i don't love/care/appreciate him...ALLL because I asked him to leave at the end of the week and make other living arrangements because him being in my place is taking up my space, and it's too small to have another person living here. Plus, it's way too soon to do that after only knowing him for 2 dates before he moved in on me.

 

Long story short, 2 huge arguments broke out last night...I got fed up with him telling everyone (complete random strangers) who would listen at the club that we're broken up and I treat him so bad...I got tired of him putting me down, just because I tell him I need him to make other living arrangements for 2-3 weeks while I'm visiting my family cross country. I had to kick him out of my car at 4 am at Walmart and let him figure way out because I told him that if I treat him so bad, and if he can "find someone who appreciates him", he don't even need to even be riding with me. He lost his mind to think he can make me feel like I'm mistreating him, when I've done more than enough for him. The alternative can be much worse, and I showed him just how.

 

Today I phoned one of the guy's relative today, because he was threatening suicide and really being a jerk last night. She warned me against him drinking, hangs on to old failures in life, always finds a way to Mess up good opportunities, and has way too much baggage to be in a relationship with anybody.

 

As much as I'm trying to stay strong now, its depressing to learn that once again...something that I thought was a relationship ended up being nothing at all. I've also learned my lesson to wean myself from meeting men at bars...namely Colfax Avenue in Denver lol. Everytime I meet a guy from a bar, they turn out to have more problems than a used car!

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I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.

 

This guy sounds like he's just going to make excuses / complain about things that are outside of his control rather than taking responsibility and ownership of his life. I guess sometimes some people never grow up. You heard it straight from one of his own family members - he is someone you should stay away from. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not make it!

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relationship after two dates? You need to set a higher bar for your future partners. Build some walls,so no one puts you in this position. Really odd you let he stay with you for so long,so soon.

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you need to figure out why YOU even let it get to this point. when he showed up with a SUITCASE after 2 dates you should have sent him on his way.

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He moved in because you didn't say NO.

 

Learn and practice solid boundaries. Explore why you allowed a man to take advantage of you.

 

He's a user and a thief. Any healthy man wouldn't be in his position. Be glad he's gone. Change your locks and block his number.

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SubliminalSessions

Well unfortunently, he's not gone...YET. I'm sure there will likely be 1 more argument, but I'm not going to feed into it.

 

Why did I let his happen? Besides him being relatively attractive, I don't know. Part of it was loneliness and the potential to finally have the coupled life: and to be done with singledom seemed so attractive. I also should have paid more attention to the warning flags: when his former roommate left his bags outside and text him to pick it up. Seems cruel to do that right?

 

But things started changing when I seen he couldn't control his emotions. And then to come home 1 afternoon and he's laying on the couch talking about he's depressed. Yet he's living somewhere rent free for 2 months. I told him, don't bring that to my table, because I have enough on my plate.

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Well unfortunently, he's not gone...YET. I'm sure there will likely be 1 more argument, but I'm not going to feed into it.

 

Why did I let his happen? Besides him being relatively attractive, I don't know. Part of it was loneliness and the potential to finally have the coupled life: and to be done with singledom seemed so attractive. I also should have paid more attention to the warning flags: when his former roommate left his bags outside and text him to pick it up. Seems cruel to do that right?

 

But things started changing when I seen he couldn't control his emotions. And then to come home 1 afternoon and he's laying on the couch talking about he's depressed. Yet he's living somewhere rent free for 2 months. I told him, don't bring that to my table, because I have enough on my plate.

 

You let him back in????

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SubliminalSessions

Also, as I mentioned...I didn't know he was moving in. He came with just a suitcase, and then next thing I know he's telling me over dinner that he has nowhere to go. Sure, I could have made anyhing else up to stop it, it I didn't think things would work out if he was on the street somewhere

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evanescentworld
Well unfortunently, he's not gone...YET. I'm sure there will likely be 1 more argument, but I'm not going to feed into it.

 

Why did I let his happen? Besides him being relatively attractive, I don't know. Part of it was loneliness and the potential to finally have the coupled life: and to be done with singledom seemed so attractive. I also should have paid more attention to the warning flags: when his former roommate left his bags outside and text him to pick it up. Seems cruel to do that right?

 

But things started changing when I seen he couldn't control his emotions. And then to come home 1 afternoon and he's laying on the couch talking about he's depressed. Yet he's living somewhere rent free for 2 months. I told him, don't bring that to my table, because I have enough on my plate.

 

You let him back in????

 

You beat me to it....

 

OP, that's insane!! Start throwing his stuff out of the door, and when he runs out in a panic to retrieve it, slam the door, and throw the remainder out through the window!! Jeesh, woman... What were you thinking?!?:mad:

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