My wife left me without warning. me.

[Markym]

My wife and I have been married for almost six years, but together for 16 years. Over the years, we've had ups and downs, but notwithstanding the honeymoon phase of a brand new relationship, I felt things were never better than the last seven months or so. We were making plans for our future, she initiated much of these discussions, but I believed we were both genuinely exited and happy. I'm 48 and she's 40. We both have successful professional careers. No kids. Last December, after discussing the matter for a long time, I had a vasectomy; that's how certain we were about our future together. I should also mention she's a high functioning alcoholic.

 

Mid September, 2 1/2 months ahoy, she got terrible news that her father was dying and his death was imminent. Her folks live across the country. I asked what she wanted and needed from me during this difficult period. She advised that I should stay home, as I had just gone back to work after being out for three months due to an injury. She would go say goodbye, come home, and we'd go back together for the funeral. She stayed two weeks, and returned home. The family decided not to have a funeral in lieu of a memorial next summer.

 

She was home for 2 wks, prior to taking me out for my birthday at a monastic restaurant. She held my hand over the table. Later that night, she dropped the bomb. On her way home from saying goodbye to her father, she had a layover in her connecting flight city due to mechanical problems. The alcoholic was naturally at the bar. She tells me she met a merchant marine, 50 years old, who owns a home in the connecting city, but whom ships into our city every 10 days. She goes on to say she spent the night with him, has been communicating ever since, and that maybe we shouldn't be married anymore.

 

She moved in with some relatives 2 days later saying she needed time, perhaps three months to sort out her feelings. It's now been 7 weeks. I don't contact her, but when she contacts me, I'm generally there. She has seen all my emotions. She well knows I want her back, and would do anything to make it work. She says her dissatisfaction with us is emotional. She says I'm overly controlling, and consequently she felt suffocated. I never sensed she felt that way. And any controlling behaviors of mine I would change in a heartbeat if I knew it would prove detrimental to our relationship. She knows this. She says sex was always good, and feels that was all we had in common. I don't believe sex was all there was. We spent so much time together, and I felt we truly cherished our company together.

 

She has recently advised that she's moving on, with or without the sailor, although she continues to see him, and tells me she really likes him. She also tells me he will retire from the sea soon.

 

I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. Yesterday, thanksgiving, she texted "I hope your day is okay". This is the first time I didn't respond to her. Up until that point, she would have some reason to come over to see me once a week or so. Much of our encounters involved her being angry at me for my failures in the marriage. I'll spare you all the details of my failures, but please trust, by and large, these are rather trivial matters in my mind, and I've advised her I've already made certain changes. She doesn't seem to care at this point.

 

I want to reiterate that up until the day she left for her father, she was making plans for our future and we were both seemingly excited about such. I am so deeply saddened. I would do anything to reconcile. Please offer any advice you may have regarding how I should proceed at this point.

[zen2475]

I think you need to consider that when someone leaves you as she had, it's not entirely out of the blue, at least on their part. It appears she has thought about this for a long time, and she's probably even discussed her concerns with you.

 

What ever your "failures" may be, while they are trivial to you, they are not to her. You seem to be dismissive of her concerns regarding them. Dismissive behavior like this is probably what caused her to leave you.

 

When someone tells you what their concerns are, believe them and pay attention. If you dismiss their feelings, they will leave.

 

You may be able to win her back, but merely telling her you have made certain changes isn't going to cut it. You have to prove those changes have been made, and only time will tell that.

 

Otherwise, you may just have to accept the relationship has not worked for her for a long time. When it doesn't work for one person, it isn't work for either, and your relationship is not what you thought it was.

 

I would give her and yourself some space at this point to enable to reflect and heal.

[EgoJoe]

Her anger is due to her affair, not you. I'm going through cheater anger, deflection and denial myself.

 

 

It's more difficult in a marriage. I think you ought to move over to the separation and divorce forum.

 

 

We are here for you in this time of need. You need to be your number one priority.

Edited November 28, 2014 by EgoJoe