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My NC diary


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I've decided to write my diary too - I hope it will help me out a bit.

 

Whole story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/503375-gigs-something-else

 

Summary:

 

I'm 25, she's 22.

 

We were together for almost exactly 7 years. Both lost attraction, fell into a routine, things just weren't the same anymore. We were both making mistakes, spending less time together, communicating less and less. It did not bother me so much, I had other things on my mind + hobbies etc. She felt lonely and started wondering is this it, how would it be with someone else. If only I could turn back time.

 

She left me for another guy. They texted each other and perhaps even saw each other about 2 months before she decided to end it with me. It wasn't easy for her to end it. She cried a lot, changing her mind, tried to work it out in her mind but said she couldn't. He is her schoolmate best buddy and perhaps even one of the first loves from the past. They at least used to be a perfect match. She says she had this deep bond with him back then. So she went directly from one relationship into another even though she was advised not to.

 

I also think one of the reasons for her to leave me is she didn't feel appreciated and wanted anymore so she started looking for an alternative and remembered the guy from the past who cared so much for her. I was also not ready yet to merry her. I was almost there but not yet. She wanted to and wanted to have kids etc. Now she's with a guy (22) who has a kid from the previous relationship and is nuts about her at least for now. I guess what she sees in him is someone who is serious and loves her. They're in this honeymoon stage.

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This was all happening about a month ago. I did all the things wrong and pushed her even further away with my behavior, went NC for about 10 days but then after we saw each other we'd go for a walk and she'd even kind of flirt with me. You know, our eyes would meet, she'd smile, be relaxed and would laugh etc. but she's like what can you do now, what happened happened. She wants to remain friends. Then we texted each other about irrelevant stuff. The last message was hers 3 days ago and then I decided to go completely NC. She doesn't know about it.

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Now, how am I doing? I'm a wreck. My feelings change a lot from one part of the day to another. For example, yesterday evening I cried myself out, later I was texting with two girls on a FB and felt kind of good again knowing there's a lot of opportunities out there, a lot of lovely girls. I did even arrange a meeting with one of them, just as friends. I plan on doing stuff, going out with friends etc. But I wake up every morning completely nervous. I went to toilet 4 times this morning. I cannot sleep well. I go to sleep at 3 am and wake up at 9 AM. I lost motivation and everything seems worthless.

 

I battle with this question how is NC going to help me with getting her back. It will make me "forget" her and move on but that's exactly what it will do her, won't it? It's kind of a paradox.

 

I go from: "f*** it, why would I even want you in my live after you've at least emotionally cheated on me and didn't give a crap about my feelings" to the nostalgia and thinking I might have lost her forever. My friends say it won't last and it doesn't matter how they were to each other back then but that's exactly what I'm afraid of. That they are a perfect match and it's killing me. I want her back badly and it would be a challenge for me to work it out with her. We had plenty of good going on but I'm afraid she'll remember mostly the bad things and never want to come back. It's absolutely the worst feeling there is when I think about her married with that guy and having a kid with him. That should have been me in a very short while. :(

 

I feel like she still has feelings for me and that there has to be a solution to get her back. I just don't know what is it and I'm so afraid that NC might not be the one. One wrong step and she's gone forever. What if NC is that step?

Edited by unforgotten
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Yesterday I was quite OK, motivated in the gym and even went out with friends "partying". It was ok but my thoughts would wander from time to time.

 

The night was awful though. I got a little sleep. I was dreaming about a made up scenario how my gf cheated on me and I was so super angry that I actually hit her but she just laughed feeling no remorse whatsoever. It's one of the worst feelings there could be. It's like no matter what I say to do I cannot get her to see what's she's doing is soooo wrong.

 

This seems so unfair. How can you at least emotionally cheat on me and leave me after 7 years and hold your hands with a guy just after 3 days after you left me looking super happy with him like you two are the one that were together for 7 years. No true remorse, no true pain. How can you not see how disrespectful is that and how hurtful? Will you ever see? She just left straight into another relationship and there was nothing I could say to change her mind. How were you able to do that to me??? And I'm here super miserable and depressed expecting her to apologize and crawl back to me so when could work out on things. This is not the person I knew. This is someone completely else.

 

What an idiot I was apologizing to her. And I think I made a terrible mistake telling her how good was I doing, explaining her what was I doing with my friends and acting OK. I thought that would maybe change her mind but she just felt better because of it I guess. I should have said to her that she ruined my life and I don't want to ever hear from her again. That's what I should have done. Man I'm so sad this has happened to me. :(:(:(

Edited by unforgotten
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