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This might sound like a strange question...


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Really strange, so forgive me...

 

So, the ex and I loved our dog very much and we had to put her down last year. We are huge dog lovers. It was a very difficult thing to do but we both had sat in the room with the dog as it happened. Anyway, I have the dogs ashes in my possession and felt very strongly, for a long time, that the ex should have some of the ashes, regardless of our status.

 

Is that normal? I don't even know how to go about it. I don't know the reasoning behind why I feel that way. I've thought about it for a couple months now. We didn't get the puppy together, per se, as she was away at school at the time but the puppy was for us upon her return from school. That was over 5 years ago so we were all together over the years.

 

It's strange, I know, but would appreciate some feedback.

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I wouldn't contact your ex about it. You are using this as an excuse to contact and that's not a good idea. You will end up being disappointed.

 

If she had wanted some part of the cremains, she would have let you know and it could have been worked out.

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If your ex wanted the ashes, they would ask. If you contact them offering, they will take that as you trying to "remind" them of a hard moment that you shared together. It will only get your subconscious hopes up for reconciliation.

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I suppose that is all true. I have to send out the rest of her belongings next week when I return home and she knows I am doing that. I am moving so when I was putting her stuff together a month and a half ago I opened up the box that was next to hers and the ashes were in the box. I've been contemplating it since then and do not want to contact her about it. It's just been more on my mind as my return home draws nearer and the first thing I planned on doing was getting rid of her sh*t.

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Excuses. Just excuses. If he were all that interested in having those ashes, he would had let you know by now. I guess he is not after all

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Ok. Doesn't matter. My advice is not to contact her. She is not interested in what you have to offer. Nor ashes nor love. Move on

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Ok. Doesn't matter. My advice is not to contact her. She is not interested in what you have to offer. Nor ashes nor love. Move on

 

Could you word that even more harshly or rude especially on a touchy subject? Jesus. Bunch of bitter people on the site. Happy Thanksgiving to you too.

 

Anyway, what everyone is saying is right. If she was interested, she would of mentioned something and I'm sorry you two had to go through something like that together. Maybe it's best to not contact her about it. Keep yourself busy so you don't have to find a reason to contact her again. It's tough, especially after going through something like that but it is best if you don't say anything about it.

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Since she already knows you're sending her the rest of her stuff, then I see no reason not to drop her a quick email or text and say "Packing your stuff. Do you want half of Pookey's ashes or no?"

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Could you word that even more harshly or rude especially on a touchy subject?[/]

 

:laugh: thanks for sharing the same sentiments! I saw that earlier and, honestly, was kinda irritated, but just ignored it. No reason to argue.

 

I guess I need to mention that one time last year, just a few months after the tragic moment happened, she had asked that if we ever broke up if she could have a portion of the remains.

 

That was over a year ago and we've only recently split in the past few months. I honestly don't know if she remembers ever asking it, I sure as hell did, so that's the reason I seek others opinions.

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I guess I need to mention that one time last year, just a few months after the tragic moment happened, she had asked that if we ever broke up if she could have a portion of the remains.

 

That was over a year ago and we've only recently split in the past few months. I honestly don't know if she remembers ever asking it, I sure as hell did, so that's the reason I seek others opinions.

In that case, since she had already expressed an explicit wish on this topic, if you want to be the good guy about it, I would just consider half of Pokey's ashes to be part of "her belongings", package up a portion in some respectful and secure way, and include that in her belongings when you ship it all out. Simple enough.

 

What I would NOT do - and I think this is what posters here are getting at - is to think that you need to initiate any kind of contact with her on this subject. Or to allow yourself to use this as an excuse to contact her. Or to convince yourself that you should contact her in any way. None of those things (all leading to some kind of reaching out to her, right?) will lead to anything good for you, so don't fool yourself and go down that path.

 

But, since she explicitly expressed that interest, I think you're in the clear to just pack in a portion of the ashes with the rest of her stuff.

 

In a way, you are lucky in this regard, because you can fulfill this apparent commitment, completely without requiring any extra contact, reaching out, or emotional interaction. Simply grant her expressed wish without fanfare, and continue moving on as you have been doing.

 

I am the "he" and it's in regards to the "she".
Well, you can keep that advice around in case you ever have a gay relationship with a dog. Oh wait, that came out kinda wrong... ;) Edited by Trimmer
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In that case, since she had already expressed an explicit wish on this topic, if you want to be the good guy about it, I would just consider half of Pokey's ashes to be part of "her belongings", package up a portion in some respectful and secure way, and include that in her belongings when you ship it all out. Simple enough.

 

What I would NOT do - and I think this is what posters here are getting at - is to think that you need to initiate any kind of contact with her on this subject. Or to allow yourself to use this as an excuse to contact her. Or to convince yourself that you should contact her in any way. None of those things (all leading to some kind of reaching out to her, right?) will lead to anything good for you, so don't fool yourself and go down that path.

 

But, since she explicitly expressed that interest, I think you're in the clear to just pack in a portion of the ashes with the rest of her stuff.

 

In a way, you are lucky in this regard, because you can fulfill this apparent commitment, completely without requiring any extra contact, reaching out, or emotional interaction. Simply grant her expressed wish without fanfare, and continue moving on as you have been doing.

 

Well, you can keep that advice around in case you ever have a gay relationship with a dog. Oh wait, that came out kinda wrong... ;)

 

 

It's not a way to reach out to her. It's an obligation inside of me to not be a ******* scumbag. I initiated NC but I have to send her stuff out, which I already told her I was doing awhile ago when I go home to finish moving. Whether she remembers it at this moment or not, I don't want to be contacted 6 months down the line from her asking about it. Like I said, it's a strange question and I know most people wouldn't give a **** about a dog but she, nor I, weren't like that. I didn't just think up this morbid scenario as an attempt to connect with her.

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It's not a way to reach out to her. It's an obligation inside of me to not be a ******* scumbag. I initiated NC but I have to send her stuff out, which I already told her I was doing awhile ago when I go home to finish moving. Whether she remembers it at this moment or not, I don't want to be contacted 6 months down the line from her asking about it. Like I said, it's a strange question and I know most people wouldn't give a **** about a dog but she, nor I, weren't like that. I didn't just think up this morbid scenario as an attempt to connect with her.

I understand that now, but that wasn't clear from your original post. From that original perspective - before we knew you had discussed this before - it sounded like you might be coming up with an unnecessary way to have contact with her. Don't discount it - people make all kinds of crazy and bizarre excuses to justify breaking NC. In a later post, you did say you did not want to contact her about it, and then still later, you mentioned the important point that you guys had talked about it specifically in the past.

 

Once you related that you guys had talked about this specific issue before, that's why I gave you the advice to go ahead and meet that commitment/request and just include a portion of the ashes in with her stuff, in some secure and respectful way.

 

I agree with you that you don't need to contact her or ask her - I accept your assertion that you are not trying to do that; I think we agree here. Sorry if I pounded too hard on the "don't contact her" point, when you had already said you didn't want to. I think maybe I was reacting to the poster who suggested to just drop her a quick Email. My thought: she clearly wanted some ashes, just put some in and leave it at that. I think everything will be fine.

Edited by Trimmer
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I meant that I didn't want to contact her to remind her about it and say I would put it in the box with her stuff.

 

Doesn't matter anyway because after this thread yesterday and it being Thanksgiving I eventually sent her a text late at night wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving. F***ing stupid, I know. The whole situation in the thread made me think about everything all day.

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I meant that I didn't want to contact her to remind her about it and say I would put it in the box with her stuff.

Yes, that's how I took it, and thus my advice, which is consistent with not contacting her to ask her about it- just do it: she clearly wanted some ashes, just put some in and leave it at that.

 

Doesn't matter anyway because after this thread yesterday and it being Thanksgiving I eventually sent her a text late at night wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving. F***ing stupid, I know.

Aw, yeah, rookie mistake... ;) But we all do it - at some point, it becomes near impossible to resist the temptation.

 

Now I believe you said you initiated NC, yes? But I'm not sure who initiated your breakup - was that one-sided or mutual?

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Yes, that's how I took it, and thus my advice, which is consistent with not contacting her to ask her about it- just do it: she clearly wanted some ashes, just put some in and leave it at that.

 

 

Aw, yeah, rookie mistake... ;) But we all do it - at some point, it becomes near impossible to resist the temptation.

 

Now I believe you said you initiated NC, yes? But I'm not sure who initiated your breakup - was that one-sided or mutual?

 

 

 

I'm not a rookie. I'm 29 and have been through this many, many times. The only difference this go around was...

 

We were engaged and she decided to have a secret relationship after 6 years together.

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I'm not a rookie. I'm 29 and have been through this many, many times. The only difference this go around was...

 

We were engaged and she decided to have a secret relationship after 6 years together.

Sorry man, I was trying to keep it light with the "rookie" comment...

 

OK, here - I'll try again...

 

Doesn't matter anyway because after this thread yesterday and it being Thanksgiving I eventually sent her a text late at night wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving. F***ing stupid, I know. The whole situation in the thread made me think about everything all day.

Given that she cheated on you after a long-term relationship, I read your post above somewhat differently. Please tell me that your message to her was:

 

"Happy Thanksgiving F***ing Stupid!"

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Lol, nah just a simple "Happy Thanksgiving". Perhaps it's should've been the former but...I'm just tired. Theres been so much sh-t that's happened the past year and a half that I'm just a broken man. I was of the old school mentality of not giving up on love. I step back and look at the general state of things nowadays and it's so easy for people to just throw their hands up calling it quits whereas back in the day people would stay true to one another and put in the effort to work things out. Perhaps I was born in the wrong time, I don't know, but I did my share of trying to amend things.

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