Think my gf (maybe ex now) has borderline personality disorder

[Dustin0308]

This is my first post on here. So bear with me please. I have been in a relationship with my gf now since may (officially) but have been talking and dating since last november. I know she has a severe mood disorder as she has attended therapy for it but not sure which one.

 

After lots of research, I'm drawing the conclusion that she has borderline personality disorder and/or bi polar. As an example, whenever there is a disagreement with her she will hang up and instantly text don't call or text me anymore. Then within an hour she will call and apologize. U never know what will set her off. She will take something that I say that's very nice and try to twist it and focus on negative aspects more than positives then will be OK within 5 mins. She doesn't communicate very well. She will goes days ignoring me and then just reply she was busy (this has happened more recently). She was unfaithful before and came to me before I found out. The deal now is she is saying we are growing apart (she's said this before and retracted it the next day and proceeded to tell me how amazing I was). But this time feels different. I work 40+ hours a week and we live about an hour apart from one another.

 

I get to her house around 730 or 8 at night and generally go to sleep there at about 12. She has been saying its not enough time that she hates being at home and sitting there. We do sit there at times. We watch movies or play games. We have gone geocaching and go out to eat almost every time. She is home all day (recently got a job) and she babysits her sister. So I understand she wants to get out of the house. So I try to compromise and go out and do little things like get some food or go to the mall. We have gone to parks as well. Bit the majority of the time we are home and spend time there. I'm admittedly tired BC ibwake up at 7 work till 6 or 630, go home and shower and then drive an hr to see her. I told her that I'm not trying to be boring and it isn't my fault that she is home all day. She doesn't have her license or a car and just recently got a job although its like 10 hours a week. We have gotten into heated arguments thats led her to wanting to end things in the past. The thing that bothers me is I will try and remain calm and she gives attitude (she's admitted this) and will say things that she knows hurts me. And then says she won't put up my attitude when I get upset about it. I do suspect she has been with other guys after the one she has told me about BC when she is out with a "group" of her friends (all of whom I've never met) she doesn't text until the next day. I hear nothing from her. But she posts on social networks and comments, etc...

 

She has admitted before that she has issues staying with one guy as she has compulsions I won't disclose on here. She's seen therapists for it. I do love her. Its too late to just say well but your losses. Im just wondering, should I let her lay in her bed this time. She seems like she thinks that its better else where. Whenever disagreebshe never wants to discuss it. Its always I don't wanna talk about this right now. It drives me crazy. When she's happy, she's an amazing person, but when she's down (and it could come at any moment without outside sources affecting it) watch out BC she will make your life a living hell until she snaps out of it and realizes she screwed up.

 

She breaks up and then says I'm sorry within 5 mins of each other. She's about to be 21. I'm 26. She claims to love me but sometimes I wonder. What do u guys think? Should I cut my losses? Do people like this change?

Edited November 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Downtown]

Dustin, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with you that the behaviors you're describing are much closer to the warning signs for BPD than to those for bipolar. If you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. Of course, having strong BPD traits does not rule out bipolar because about 40% of BPDers also have comorbid bipolar disorder.

 

I suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Dustin.

[Dustin0308]

Wow.... Not every instance described her. But I would say 85-90% did. This one especially:

 

"An eight difference is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality."

 

I was reading further and came across codependency. Like I know I'm a floor mat for women. I have some baggage myself such as depression and not having a mother figure in my life. Also had a somewhat emotionally abusive father. But the thing with her is she would mention that she has always been abandoned by men and I promised I would never abandon her. Even when she does me I feel I would never do that. I think that a my codependency to want to help her at the expense ofy own hapiness and I always seem to find these girls. Lol. By the way, she hasn't called or texted for longer than normal. I have a feeling I have been replaced by another guy. Also she has mentioned that she was bi polar but then retracted and said it was a severe mood disorder but would never tell me what it was. She also has PTSD. She has mentioned none of her relationships last very long and honestly this is probably the longest relationship she has had. Probably BC of my codependency. Idk. Ibwojld be happy to read an article (couldn't locate it) about how to survive a break up with someone like her. She was an incredible woman at times and then other times she would drain me. She never minded me spending time with family. Was weird is just yesterday she was listing the reasons why she loved me and now she's acting up. She said in a text that I'm an amazing person and have great qualities but she feels the connection is gone and we are growing apart. But just Monday she wanted me to come over at 1030 at night when she had said earlier, at about 6, to make it another day. I told her its irrational for me to come over, I would have to shower and drive an 1hr there and I would sleep right away BC of work in the am. She immediately said I don't want to see u anymore. Then 5 seconds later its like it never happened. Bizarre. I have a feeling she has split me black permanently now. It saddens me.

[Dustin0308]

I also like this:

"Hence, during the first six months of your relationship -- when she was infatuated with you -- she pulled out all the stops with you and actually mirrored your personality so closely that you likely were convinced you had met your "soul mate." That could not last because it required enormous energy and because her resentment kept building up, i.e., resentment for going places she really did not like, for spending time with your friends whom she really did not enjoy, and all the other sacrifices made to keep up the illusion. Again, the goal was not to deceive you but, rather, to win your love." She was all fine with it in the beginning. Spending time with me at her place, movies, etc...now it has changed. The connection isn't there. She's bored.

 

"If your ex has strong BPD traits, as I suspect, what is remarkable about her is that she is so aware that she has a flaw in her personality. That is very unusual. As I said above, such self awareness is rare among BPDers because the awareness causes such pain. Getting past that pain threshold means that she has a real chance of learning to manage her emotions -- a task that can take years -- if she has the strength and courage to let go of feeling like a victim long enough to start taking responsibility for her own actions." She also knows she has issues and cries about it. Has attempted suicide and has said she should never get married. She tried to stop us from going further in our relationship BC she knew she would hurt me. I, being co depending or whatever it is, was already head over heals and told her I was there for whatever she needed me for and we would fight this together. I had no idea what I was in for. I wasn't educated and didn't know she was this severe.

[Downtown]

She would mention that she has always been abandoned by men.

Perhaps so, Dustin. Yet, if she is a BPDer, it is far more likely she simply drove them away -- as she's done to you. Generally, BPDers can believe you love them at the very moment you are professing your love. What they cannot believe, however, is that you will continue to love them when you eventually discover how empty they are inside.

 

When she's happy, she's an amazing person.

Likewise, my BPDer exW is an amazing and beautiful woman. She has such a warm and disarming personality that, within a half hour, total strangers feel like they've known her for a long time. BPDers generally exhibit an emotional purity of expression and warmth that otherwise is only seen in children.

 

She has mentioned that she was bi polar but then retracted and said it was a severe mood disorder but would never tell me what it was.

If she is a BPDer, it is unlikely that her therapist ever told HER what it is. Therapists generally are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of their disorder because it is not in the client's best interests to be told. If you're interested, I discuss the reasons they usually withhold this information in my post at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

She also has PTSD.

Nearly half of BPDers also suffer from co-occurring PTSD (usually together with another PD and another "clinical" disorder such as depression, ADHD, GAD, or bipolar). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I told her its irrational for me to come over, I would have to shower and drive an 1hr there and I would sleep right away BC of work in the am. She immediately said I don't want to see u anymore.

If she has strong BPD traits, you lose when you draw close to her and you also lose when you're away from her. The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. Hence, as you draw close to assure her of your love, she will become engulfed by your strong personality and feel like you're suffocating her or trying to control her. Yet, as you back off to give her breathing space, you will find yourself triggering the abandonment fear which lies at the other end of the spectrum.

 

She claims to love me but sometimes I wonder.

If she were a narcissist or sociopath, those claims were false. If she is a BPDer, however, they likely are true. Yet, because her emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old, she would be capable of loving you only in the immature way a young child is able to love.

 

Do people like this change?

Rarely. Although there are excellent treatment programs offered in most major cities, it is rare for a BPDer to stay in such a program long enough (several years at least) to make a real difference. Moreover, although the BPD symptoms are believed to get a bit milder after the late 40's, you likely would find that the BPDer is still extremely difficult to live with even in her old age. Certainly, that was true for my exW.

 

Should I cut my losses? should I let her lay in her bed this time.

Yes. Although you've been "trying to help her," your walking on eggshells is an enabling behavior that actually harms her. It is in her best interests (and yours as well) for her to be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad behavior and bad choices. Otherwise, she has no incentive to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

I would be happy to read an article (couldn't locate it) about how to survive a break up with someone like her.

I recommend two articles: Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD and Leaving A Partner with BPD. The other professionally written articles at that BPDfamily website are excellent too.

 

For insight on your excessive caregiver behaviors, I recommend Codependency and Codependent Relationships at BPDfamily and Shari Schreiber's Core Injury. Although Schreiber confuses BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths, she does provide insight on the issues faced by us excessive caregivers -- and how we got to be this way in childhood.

[Dustin0308]

All very good info. It just hurts sometimes with her bc I love her but she just writes it off like nothing was good. When u have so much of your heart invested it hurts ending things you really wanted to work out.

[Onlyafterdark]

Let me telll you my story then please decide if she has this disorder!

So i met her 14 years ago at the time we was friends, she did have a few different

Guys share her bed whilst i was around, against my better judgement i grew to like

This girl.

We got involved and within 6 mnths she fell pregnant. Now for the first few years we

Was ok then it began kicking me out cause she wanted nights out etc i took it and let

Her do stuff she wanted, once she got it out of her system i was allowed back. Anyway

6 years went by and one night we split the very same night she brought s guy home.

I knew this because early the next morning i went round to pick my son up to give her

A rest to get over the hangover, to my surprise there was a guy in my sons bed, she spent

The next 2 weeks lying to me that hed actually slept in bed with her. Anyway i took her on

Her word that no sex had took place so we got back, week went by and i think my consistent asking pushed her away again.

 

I went out with friends and passed a local bar which i spotted her sat with this guy. I waited

Till they came out and confronted them he laid into me kicking me etc i was thst upset i had

No fight in me. She walked off home with him i went home cried till the early hours

Next day she rang me as tho nothing had happened .

Anyway after this we spent the next week talking and the mug me went back again!

 

She fell pregnant we had a second child planned to marry which we did then 2 weeks after

We married we was on a night out. Her best friend and chief bridesmaid who was a real tart

Came back to our house. The night was a heavy one and she asked to stay over,after all our friends left i went upto bed , she was lay there in our bed laughing. I asked about 5 times for her to get out, she didnt listen thought it was amusing tbh. Anyway my wife came in got ito bed too i started saying come on now to her friend, didnt listen so i said right im getting in bed now making love to my wife so you best go. At this point i fully expected her to run

I got into bed pulled my wifes underwear off i was under the sheets at this point, when i came up she was kisding her mate(yep most guys fantasy) but not me i got out of bed went to the loo. Stood there for a minute thinking wtf is goin on. Inside me i was raging, i went in put the light on her mate jumped up obviously she had been south get the feck out i said!

 

Next day i wouldnt let my wife come to bed but she twisted things as tho it was my fault why it had happened. What im coming to probably hits home to some of you already posting. Ive spent the next 6 ears back and forth to the house when she kicks me out instantly looks and adds other men acts like she donesnt care one bit.

 

Im in lots of pain over this woman twists everything i do or say take this one ive told her

Whist weve been apart how beautiful she is her reply is just beautiful not stunning etc !

Ring any bells to anyone this ???

In the past month shes had 2 men even took pleasure in telling me shes in bed with a guy not a good time to speak i mean how cruel can you be !

 

She shows a lack of empathy even with my kids iam a totally broken man right now 4 mnths gone now ive done all the txting etc had the anger at her for destroying out family she really doesnt care at all !

My question here is how do you be with this kind of person how do you play there game hurt them back!

 

Only today she had a guy in bed took pleasure in telling me i said our son was with me and wanted to come in . Her reply back was well hes got to get use to it hasnt he ! I think im a good dad and that really she should get to know that person before even letting my kids meet them. I told her no way is my son coming in to see some guy in bed just like that hes 10 for gods sake been thru enough any advice please folks even if its about wat to do for the kids sake

[Niko 2021]

Wow bro. This happened to me. A month ago, I found out my ex of 5 years cheated on me, happened a year ago. But I have always asked myself if she had BDP, bi polar disorder, etc. My ex is definitely a sociopath, her words btw. But yeah I can't believe the similarities I'm seeing in your post. When we would webcam, she would all of a sudden snap on me for no reason, at all, then shut her computer. Then hours later, she would text me saying how she's sorry she's messed up emotionally. This would happen 3 times a week in the last year of our relationship, until I distanced her. She lived a double life, like all sociopaths. Just let it go, you cannot have a healthy relationship with people like this, trust me. If it was anything like my ex, I bet she came on really strong, my ex told me she loved me within a few weeks of dating, and wanted to marry me within a few months of dating. In the last year of dating, I tried to get her to seek therapy, but she was too scared to, but admitted she has emotional issues. This was of course after she had cheated on me anyway, if only I knew. I was going to pay for all the therapy as well =/

 

But, remember this, she was always like this, even before you met her. She didn't change. She just didn't let that side of her show because she was probably infatuated with you, obsessed with you, just like my ex. But believe me, she did NOT love you, at all, ever. People with BPD and who may be sociopaths are incapable of love. It's not their fault. Just cut your losses. We lived together for 3 years, and I never saw that side of her until the last year.

 

Read my threads if you want, it'll give you some insight and similarities of what I went through.

Edited November 28, 2014 by Niko 2021

[Downtown]

Let me tell you my story then please decide if she has this disorder!

OAD, a personality disorder like BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, BPD is a set of primitive ego defenses that we all have to some degree, which is why it is said to be a "spectrum" disorder. At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We ALL do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I do know, however, that you are capable of spotting and strong warning signs that are occurring if you take a little time to learn what behaviors are on the red flag list.

 

I therefore suggest you follow the three links I provided above in my first post and tell us which of those warning signs apply strongly and which do not. To avoid hijacking Dustin's thread, please respond in your last thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/491789-we-ve-been-off-since-january-i-d-like-girl-s-input ). If you do that, I would be glad to join you in the discussion there.

[Onlyafterdark]

Downtown thanks ur really helping me here god knows i need it ive update the above post please read there thanks in advance

[Dustin0308]

Ok. So, as we knew she would, I woke up to a text from her this morning. She says she misses me and wants to go to the engagement party today we had plans to go to. She really wants me to go. I don't answer after 5 mins and she says never mind. Unfortunately I'm sick (the truth) and have to cancel. She doesn't seem upset. I did ask her how she is feeling with us bc the last I heard from her, is that we weren't meant to be. She said she doesn't know but does love me and I do her. She's going into another cycle I suppose. What should I do? Any advice?

[Downtown]

She's going into another cycle I suppose. What should I do? Any advice?

Dustin, I am able to point you to descriptions of BPD warning signs. Yet, not having met the lady, I cannot tell you if the BPD traits you're seeing are strong. That is something you must do by yourself. After dating her for a year, you are well positioned to spot any strong BPD traits that have been occurring.

 

There is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and irrational jealousy. But, if you are still unsure about whether her BPD traits are strong and you are reluctant to walk away, it would be prudent to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

If you are sure the warning signs are strong, however, I would suggest you end this relationship. Because an untreated BPDer is too emotionally immature to sustain a mature relationship, the best you could hope for long term is a parent/child relationship, not a husband/wife relationship.

[SoThatHappened]

Any advice?

Run

 

(10 characters)

[nofeelings22]

Ok. So, as we knew she would, I woke up to a text from her this morning. She says she misses me and wants to go to the engagement party today we had plans to go to. She really wants me to go. I don't answer after 5 mins and she says never mind. Unfortunately I'm sick (the truth) and have to cancel. She doesn't seem upset. I did ask her how she is feeling with us bc the last I heard from her, is that we weren't meant to be. She said she doesn't know but does love me and I do her. She's going into another cycle I suppose. What should I do? Any advice?

 

 

 

Run!

 

This will end badly!

 

I married my Borderline Ex. Was together for 12 years with her, spending a good 20 or more hours a week working on her head, going through the outbursts, trying different meds, etc.

 

I figured I could deal with it, then one day, 12 years in, she snapped. The woman I married ceased to exist and a new person was inside her body. I kid you not.

 

I loved mine and figured we'd will the battle against BPD together.

 

Mental illness always wins!

 

Get out while you can. The more you love her and the more time goes on, the more it will hurt when she's gone.

 

Do not EVER get into a relationship with the mentally ill.

 

It's hard enough to be born into a situation where you are close to someone with a mental illness. It's suicidal to SIGN UP for this burden.

 

Don't make the same mistake I did. I'm nearly 40, newly single (had planned for a lifelong commitment) and it's not an easy place to be. This could easily happen to you if you don't get out right now.

Edited November 30, 2014 by nofeelings22

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

I'm in the process of breaking up with my live-in girlfriend of five full years...part of what makes things so unhappy for me is how she has these self-help books that basically try validating her warped views!

 

Of course, what do you expect from self-help books, right? But it's infuriating nonetheless, these kinds of books...targeted specifically at women, they're basically a portable pity party and it really upsets me that stupid little things get taken as signs of MY mental illness.

 

When we have a problem, which is about every ten days these past five years, I go consult material on Buddhist meditation, Modern Stoicism, general psychology...but SHE finds crap like "Leaving the Verbally Abusive Man" and so forth, indicating that she's just looking to validate her own preconceived opinions instead of trying to understand what's going on....

 

Anyway, just chiming in here with something I don't think I've ever seen mentioned in any relationship forum, about how peope seem to really, really seek not just comfort in pop psychology books but validation for their warped views. 'Cause I can't argue with a published expert, can I?

 

But for all that, I also want (un-ironically) to say THANK YOU "DOWNTOWN" for making my Thanksgiving quite good despite my situation!! Reading your posts, it hit me like lightning that yeah, this sounds like it, this is what had been going on these past five years: the incredibly intense and pervasive jealousy, insecurity; frequent, extreme, and long-lasting mood swings; the Taliban-like controlling and monitoring/spying; the denial...and YES you must be right, BPD is a spectrum or continuum to which we are ALL susceptible, only some know it and others think it only affects other people, not them....

 

So, anyway, do you think it's likely that TWO BPDers are in a relationship?? Yes I've read what you wrote elsewhere about BPD being unique in making victims' Significant Others thinking that they themselves might be the crazy ones!!

 

'Cause out of those nine official BPD traits for which five or more must be present, I have one, the "bad temper" one, while she has anywhere from four to seven, depending on what each trait really means and which version is used (apparently there's one from 2000 and one from, like, 2012 or so??)....

 

BTW, speaking of nine traits, Downtown, how do you compare the old official definition with the proposed new one?

 

Also, what do y'all think about her having nightmares all the time??? Like real violent gory bloody ones, too -- chopping her dad's head off (once), killing her brothers (this happened more than once though none too frequent, either)...and apparently, or so she claims, I'm always in her dreams, not in a negative way usually (like arguing or fighting, though once or twice she did kill me, too, 'cause I was attacking her and/or her family); usually, in her dreams we're a loving couple "on a mission together" as she puts it...and she claims she always remembers her dreams in a very detailed way (I hardly ever remember mine), whereas she has trouble remembering new vocabulary and pronouncing things sometimes (I really think she's got cognitive issues on top of, now, BPD...comes from bad circumstances).

 

Well, anyway, thank you (all) for reading all this...a lot on my chest, of course...trying to take deep breaths every minute, one breath at a time...good luck to everybody!!!

Edited November 30, 2014 by TiredConfusedHurtSad
Clarification and Addenda.

[nofeelings22]

Nightmares: My ex BPD woke up screaming at the top of her lungs nearly every night.

 

I learned to sleep through it after a few years.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Wow...have you ever found out anything about such nightmares?? Does anyone know if having violent bloody nightmares every week (or waking up screaming every night) is an indication of -- I dunno, something else, some other psychological issue???

 

I tell ya, the things you learn when you live with someone...you'd never find out until you're all moved-in and settled, but then it's like too late!!

 

Me, I've always had a bad temper and am critical -- though about "understandable" things like littering (both at home and in public)...yeah, not the best combination with a BPDer!!

[Downtown]

Do you think it's likely that TWO BPDers are in a relationship??

TCHS, welcome to LoveShack. Yes, BPDers will sometimes date each other. It is extremely unlikely, however, that such a relationship will last very long. Because BPDers have a weak sense of who they are, they are attracted to people having a strong personality who will give them a "self identity." They need someone who will ground them and center them, giving them a sense of direction. A pairing of BPDers therefore will almost certainly end quickly. The result is that, although full-blown BPDers account for only 6% of the population, they account for about 12% of the LTRs because they pair up with nonBPDers. And, of course, the share of unhappy LTRs that includes BPDers must far exceed 12%. It therefore is not surprising that you find BPD warning signs discussed so frequently here on LoveShack.

 

Out of those nine official BPD traits... she has anywhere from four to seven, depending on... which version is used (apparently there's one from 2000 and one from, like, 2012 or so??).

Both versions are the same. Although the reform committee proposed a radical change to the way PDs are diagnosed, the APA membership rejected it in Dec 2012 because it was felt that more research needed to be done before adopting the new approach. Hence, DSM-5 (released in May 2013) shows the same 9 traits for BPD.

 

BTW, speaking of nine traits, Downtown, how do you compare the old official definition with the proposed new one?

The proposed change is far superior to the existing definitions. All ten personality disorders (PDs) are spectrum disorders. BPD, for example, is not something -- like chickenpox -- that you "have" or "don't have." Rather, it is something we all have to some degree. This reality is not apparent in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) because anyone falling short of satisfying 100% of the diagnostic criteria is said to "not have the disorder." This is as silly as categorizing everyone above 6'5" as "tall" and everyone below that height as "short."

 

Of course, psychologists have been well aware of this silliness since the PD categories were adopted in 1980. They nonetheless adopted this absurd binary approach to diagnosing PDs largely because the courts (who don't like to institutional people) and the insurance companies (who don't like to pay for treatment) insisted on a diagnostic bright line that would be set very high. Moreover, the psychologists feared that a graduated approach to diagnosis (e.g., low, normal, moderate, strong, severe) might produce inconsistent results all over the country.

 

Hence, the binary ("yes" or "no") approach the APA adopted has been an embarrassment to the psychiatric community for nearly 35 years -- a problem they are in the process of correcting. Like the proposed consolidation of PD categories, this proposed graduated approach almost made it into the new manual released last year (i.e., DSM-5) but, at the last minute, the APA membership decided to delay its introduction until more research has been done.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Wow, thanks Downtown, that's really interesting!!

 

Since it seems like you have such familiarity with BPD, given your experiences, do you think there is a "special" way to break up with a BPDer??

 

BTW, is it possible for someone who's been with a BPDer to develop BPD him (or her) self??? I mean, yeah, like that Zombie Virus from "Walking Dead" (LOL -- it's the only one horror-genre thing I watch 'cause the subtext seems rather rich; it could be interpreted as saying so much about our world and our humanity) which everyone already has, bitten or not...since BPD is one spectrum on the PD continuum (is that understanding correct??), could having been with a BPDer long-term cause one to develop it oneself??? I mean, even if just mildly so.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts.

[Downtown]

Do you think there is a "special" way to break up with a BPDer??

BPDfamily recommends certain procedures for breaking up at Leaving A Partner with BPD. Another good article on the same subject at that site is Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with BPD .

 

BTW, is it possible for someone who's been with a BPDer to develop BPD him (or her) self???

No. The current view of the APA is that a PD like BPD is fully entrenched in the person's mind in early childhood, typically before age five. Moreover, BPD is a distorted way of thinking, not a disease. You therefore cannot "catch" the disorder like you would a cold or chickenpox. On the other hand, we all have BPD traits and stressful situations (e.g., hormone surge) can cause a temporary flareup of the traits we already have. These flareups, however, do not constitute "having the disorder."

 

Indeed, most of us exhibit such flareups for several years in our early teens -- which is why therapists usually avoid diagnosing BPD until a person is at least 18. Similarly, it is common for women to exhibit flareups of BPD traits during pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause. But, to "have BPD," a person must have the traits at a strong and persistent level -- not a temporary flareup lasting a year or two.

[Onlyafterdark]

Downtown having read my story and posts would you say its highly likely she has this condition(illness) ?

Also do these ppl show no signs of emapthy etc towards their children ? My wife has slept with 2 guys in 3 weeks the latest is now at my old house right now as i speak, she told me she really liked him and the kids met him after arriving home from sleepouts he came down from her bed like wtf ! What sort of mother does that known him 2 weeks ! I went mad but what can i do, my kids had to get up this morning make their own breakfasts cause she was still in bed with him 7-10 age by the way.

Iam fully aware of what shes like when she finishes it with me straight to other men thats a trait right ? Also she never has no remorse its like she shuts me off just like that i warn all ppl if you end up like me im 14 years with this woman shes mentally drained me treats me like crap cheats on me denies having sex with these guys,i know i was a doormat but at times i convinced myself it was me. Shes totally confused me now making out to other ppl shes the victim its dam hard makes you want to fight back

[Downtown]

Downtown having read my story and posts would you say its highly likely she has this condition(illness)?

OAD, to avoid hijacking Dustin's thread, I posted a response to you two days ago in your On and Off Since January Thread. Please respond to my post there and I'll be glad to continue our discussion.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Thanks, Downtown. I did see those articles, actually, from another post of yours in another thread somewhere here...I don't recall anything "special" mentioned due to BPD, like a special way to break up...I mean, I don't want anyone committing suicide, right? You know, such a great fear of abandonment and heightened emotions and so forth...at the Psychology Today blog devoted to BPD called "Walking on Eggshells" (yes, by the author of the famous eponymous book) there's a guy that wrote a few posts about how deeply depressed he was that, after finally divorcing his BPD wife of many years (decades??) she hanged herself like three months later. He's so heartbroken he would gladly take her BPD again!!!

 

Anyway, yeah, don't wanna hijack Dustin's thread here -- sorry to all if I contributed to that myself.

[Downtown]

Anyway, yeah, don't wanna hijack Dustin's thread here -- sorry to all if I contributed to that myself.

TCHS, I can't speak for Dustin but, given that his topic is BPD, I felt it was okay to respond at length to your generic questions about BPD. With OAD, however, I responded in one of his threads because he had requested that I comment on the particulars of his story.

[Dustin0308]

I know this should be easy to deal with but it isn't. I have strong feelings for this girl and although it seems like it won't work, I always hold out hope. Part of me does feel bad for her..shes in a fight that nobody understands and she can't control herself. And me leaving her, or in her mind, abandoning her will only make it worse. I don't want to have to leave her bc I recognize some very great, amazing qualities in her. Physically she is gorgeous. Just tough on what I should do. I know she knows Im thinking about things bc we haven't talked even though she has wanted to. Im seriously just confused. IDK what i should do. My heart is pulling me in two different directions.