Live in boyfriend wants me to get rid of my pets!

[shutterbugg]

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, lived together for one. We get along very well except for my pets. I have 3 small dogs and 3 cats. He says that's too many animals and I need to get rid of a dog and a cat. I agree that is too many, but I owned these animals before we got together and they are like family to me. I would be devastated if I had to place any in a shelter---that wouldn't be fair to them as some of these animals are older and would not be adopted.

 

This past March I went to visit my parents over Spring Break who live 700 miles away. I told my boyfriend that my parents would probably be willing to help take a cat and dog. My parents are big animal lovers and only own a cat. However, once I got to my parents house I realized that would never work. My parents are 92 and 90 years old and my dad is struggling to take care of my mom who has dementia. The last thing they need is any additional burden(s) to take care of at their age. So I returned home with my dog and cat and my boyfriend was livid. He said I was full of lies and deceit because I told him my parents would take them. I had every intention of leaving them there, but since I don't see my parents often, I had no idea how bad their situation was.

 

We didn't speak for a few days after I returned and then the subject was dropped for a few months. The subject has come up again thanks to his leather couch. One of my dogs has put several scratches in it which are unsightly, but not THAT unsightly. And now he's complaining that they smell and there's hair all over the house. I clean the litter boxes daily, I vacuum at least once a week, and we have several plug ins throughout the house. I'm doing my best to keep things controlled.

 

Our big blow up came on Sunday. One of my cats knocked over a handcrafted walking stick that belonged to his grandfather. They ripped a feather off and a piece of wood broke off. He went nuts and yelled that it's always his stuff that gets broken or ruined and it's always my animals who do it. I screamed back that I was sick of him expecting me and my animals to be perfect and I was done. I told him I would look for a new place to live after Thanksgiving.

 

I don't really want to move out. I just said that because I was upset. We haven't had a chance to discuss this because I'm out of town and return Friday. I've texted him a few times but his responses are only one or two words. He's still very angry. I'm not looking forward to returning or possibly looking for a new place to live this weekend. The only place I can really afford is an apartment and moving from our house with a yard to an apartment is not going to be fun. We rent the house, and the lease is in both our names. He offered to move out and let me stay because of the yard, but I can't afford the rent and utilities on my own.

 

I'd appreciate any advice you guys can give me. I want to come to some sort of compromise, but is one even possible?

[Art_Critic]

.. to me it seems you need to rehome some of your pets and you also need to rehome your BF...

 

I'm a pet person but 6 pets seems like a lot for one person to take on.

 

The BF needs to go.. if he was livid because your 90 year plus parent couldn't take the 2 pets then he is an assclown and your future is pretty clear with the guy..

[dclan]

Unfortunatly people that never had a pet, don't understand that a pet is actually a family member, not just a "pet".

[unforgotten]

Tell him "Look we need to sit down and have a talk, please listen to me and how I feel and don't get upset". Of course you have to be calm yourself too. Than tell him you love him and that you don't want home pets to be a cause for your split. Tell him what you told us. That you love your pets and cannot put them in a shelter. That you thought your parents would be able to take care for them but simply cannot. Tell him not to respond at the moment, that he must sleep it over and that he should think of a possible solution and that putting them in a shelter just isn't one. If you don't find a proper solution, well than you'll both have to start thinking how you can actually start living with your pets. Your guy is not acting properly but you must admit he has some points. Who wants to get his stuff broken? And if hair is all over the house that's not good either and can be annoying. Start thinking of how to take better care of your pets, clean your house more often etc. etc. It's not just his fault, it's yours too. You both have to be reasonable about it and find a compromise.

[veggirl]

Why did he date you and MOVE IN with you if he doesn't like your pets?! 6 is a lot but my sister has 5 so I know it can be handled successfully. Please don't take any of them to a shelter, that's so awful and sad. I can't stand people who think it's acceptable to just give away their pets if it's not absolutely necessary. I would tell bf this is who I am and you knew it walking in. If you don't like it, see yaaaaaa!

 

I understand it's frustrating as HELL when animals break things etc but you learn to be more vigilant about what's left out. Your bf just needs to take a hike if it's a deal breaker for him. Again he knew about your pets going into this. It's not okay for him to expect you to dump your pets for him.

[mammasita]

You had the pets before he moved in. If it was an issue he should not have moved in.

 

Don't get rid of your pets because of him. I agree it's too many and I'm sure you see that it is also, but don't let him bully you into getting rid of something that was part of your life before he came along.

[PegNosePete]

"Love me, love my pets"

 

I do agree with Art, you need to rehome the BF. He's not house-trained. The pets were with you before he was, and he knew exactly what was in store when he moved in with you.

[Invictus01]

Never had pets but I understand that pets are like kids for those people who do have pets. Do I think 6 pets is too many? Yep. Would I make it such a huge deal if the woman I dated and LIVED with had that many? Nope.

 

It's not the pets, it's the dude.

[unforgotten]

Of course he knew she had 6 pets when he moved in but he didn't know how it is to live with them. Perhaps he even thought oh how cute I like animals too, this will be actually kind of fun but when they start to annoy you it's a different story. I say it takes 2 to tango. It's not just guy's fault though I agree his behavior is awful. Start working on a problem and find a proper solution!

[Standard-Fare]

Can you explain why this issue is exploding right NOW, a full year after your BF's been living with these animals and two years after he started dating you? Has there been some kind of recent trigger? Or do you think his frustration has just built up over time to reach a boiling pot?

 

I have to say I agree with your BF that six animals is just too much. That locks you guys into a certain lifestyle that can be oppressive in costs, damages, maintenance, etc. -- not to mention alienating for any visitors you might have. You're getting into "eccentric" zone here, flirting with animal hoarding. (And I hope you forgive my bluntness.)

 

Of course I also understand how devastating it would be to give away an animal you love. But unfortunately I do think a compromise solution would have to involve that.

 

I think you should cast a wide net for finding people you know/trust to adopt a couple of your animals. Start with sending out a mass email, and getting on Facebook and asking everyone you know. (And P.S. when doing this, do NOT characterize your BF as cold-hearted villain.)

 

If that fails, maybe you should visit your local animal shelter/Humane Society and sit down with a staff member and see what your best options are. They are people who love animals and they might have some good ideas for you.

[d0nnivain]

When my husband moved in with me a few months before our wedding he tried to enforce all these new rules on my dog: no sleeping in bed, no sitting on his couches (DH Had nicer furniture than I did). That lasted about a month & made everybody frustrated.

 

6 is a lot of pets but there were there first. Can he take a greater hand in training them so maybe his stuff won't get broken?

[shutterbugg]

The boyfriend has owned dogs and cats in the past, so he knows what it's like owning a pet. He just hasn't owned this many at one time. And this is all blowing up now because he tends to hold things in until one thing sets him off and everything comes out. He knows how I feel about them and knows I won't give them to a shelter. I just think if you really love someone, you take whatever baggage comes along. He has baggage, too!

[Elias33]

When having 6 pets, it sometimes gets hard to find someone who can accept that. These animals are your family, and at times, you will be forced to choose. If these animals are your family, then the choice should be an easy one. It sounds to me like you really want to be with this guy. Don't say things you're going to regret, especially if you don't have the time to talk about it.

 

Having that said, the boyfriend does sound self-centered, and pretty unreasonable. If this is really a choice that concerns you, he should at least be sensitive about it. Demands as such, often indicate a certain amount of selfishness, so be aware. Whether he is right or not about having too many pets, he is not handling it in a way, that he deserves much of your consideration.

 

Having many pets, comes with a price however, so I would not totally see him at fault here. But for him not to have the consideration for you, shows that he doesn't deserve yours either.

 

Good luck.

[Art_Critic]

Of course he knew she had 6 pets when he moved in

 

Of course he did... but he was getting laid all the time and they weren't a bother, now after living together and the honeymoon stage is worn off he has decided the pets aren't part of his lifestyle..

 

To me this is a deal breaker... like PNP posted "Love me, love my pets"....

[Art_Critic]

Having many pets, comes with a price however,

 

It does, we have 2 dogs and a cat our weekend plans as well as vacations are normally something that has to be worked out, but we do work it out either by getting a pet sitter (family member) or having them boarded.. having lots of pets also is hard on the house but it is just what you do as a pet owner...

[Standard-Fare]

I think this might just come down to different lifestyle preferences. If your BF has decided he doesn't want a lifestyle with an abundance of pets, and you are firm that you do... this may in fact be a dealbreaker.

 

It's unfortunate that your BF didn't think harder about these issues earlier in the relationship. I agree it's not necessarily fair of him to suddenly demand changes after two years.

 

At the same time you have to accept that having six pets falls out of a lot of people's range of "reasonable" and this is going to affect your relationships. If you aren't going to change, you need to be sure you have a partner who's on board for that, whether or not it's this guy.

 

I have an aunt who has a horse, three dogs, and three cats. She's a true animal lover and she's not going to change her lifestyle for ANYONE. Take her or leave her. I respect this. But the two men I've seen her date have been on the same page. One a vet, the other a horse trainer.

[loversquarrel]

Maybe he figured you were worth a try and that's why he moved in with you in the first place, only to discover he couldn't handle it?? It happens in relationships all the time. He has previous experience with pets which is probably why he figured it could work...but 6 seems like a bit much. This number of pets may also be getting in the way of other aspects of the relationship. Damaged items May have just been that "concrete" item that proved to be the final straw.

 

As always, this is only one side of the story. You must really think about this and decide what is important to you. Sit down and really discuss the situation, each others concerns, listen. He doesn't expect you to get rid of all the animals, maybe you can compromise? If not, he has already expressed a desire to leave. He can't be blamed, he now knows what he can live with and what he can't.

 

Every relationship has to have a certain degree of selfishness to it in order for it to survive, from both parties. Without this selfishness, we would always end up a doormat. It is through communication and compromise that get us through the times when each others selfishness causes conflict. This ability to communicate and meet a compromise contribute to the strength of the relationship and allows us to maintain our independence and dignity within it.

[SoThatHappened]

I've been in your boyfriend's situation and can understand how he feels. This isn't a slight to you, just giving you some feedback.

 

I'll also preface this with the fact that I absolutely love animals, but I'm a big advocate that dogs are healthier when they're outside. I also cannot stand it when people let their animals get on furniture and basically live in the house.

 

My former long-term girl moved into my house and brought her 2 cats. I didn't want them, but accepted that they came with her. Wasn't about to tell her "It's me or the cats."

 

However, her cats constantly puked on the carpet, marked their territory all over the walls, and spread kitty litter all over the place. Drove me up a wall.

 

I'm a clean guy. Not OCD clean, but I like a clean house, and my house NEVER felt clean and it never smelled clean thanks to the litter box.

 

No way I could handle 3 dogs and 3 cats. That's just too many.

 

Also, what's more important? Your relationship with him or your animals?

 

Find a way to make the situation better. Find friends to take at least a couple of them off your hands. Find a way to keep the litter box away from the main living area. Do as much as you can to "pet-proof" the house.

[Phoe]

Ditch the guy. His extreme anger over this is not cool.

 

Yours pets will be there for you through anything. Sounds like this guy wouldn't be.

[clia]

Unfortunately, there may not be a compromise here. I can see both sides of it -- your boyfriend does not want to live with six pets, and you do not want to give up your pets. I actually don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You will have to decide together how important your relationship is considering these obstacles.

[Standard-Fare]

Also, what's more important? Your relationship with him or your animals?

 

This above is really the heart of the issue.

 

Your boyfriend's made his stance clear. This problem won't go away, it will get worse. So you have to decide where your priorities lie.

 

If you do make the choice to make this sacrifice for your relationship, you truly need to do so without bitterness or resentment. You can't view your BF as the bad guy who's forced you toward a painful loss against your will. If you don't believe you can get there -- if you think you won't forgive him, and that this will issue will keep coming up -- then don't do it.

[Anela]

Don't rehome your animals. They're family. He knew what he was getting into.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I can't feel good about suggesting you rehome any of your pets because your boyfriend dislikes them simply because his extreme anger about it gives me the impression that he's an awful jerk and you'd be better off without him. If he were a reasonable decent guy and you wanted to compromise with him though, there is no need to take any pet to a shelter, you can rehome them carefully or talk to an animal rescue group.

[Million.to.1]

If you re-home the BF.. could you get in a roomate/ tenant to help with the rent? Is your place a 2 bedroom?

[writergal]

Don't rehome your animals. They are your family. I think your boyfriend is being totally unreasonable. He knew you had 6 pets when you two moved into that house a year ago.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a real ass for expecting your 92 year old father to take care of two of your six pets while he has to deal with taking care of your 90 year old mother who has dementia. Your boyfriend sounds really self-centered. Rehome him!! Maybe a shelter for narcissistic men has a spare bed for him.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't help you with the expenses for pet food or vet bills, or yard upkeep or litterbox cleaning. Am I right?

 

The right kind of boyfriend would make time out of his schedule to take your 3 dogs to the dog parks in your city, or walk them with you or by himself around your neighborhood. He'd also brush your cats and clean their litter box. That's what a good boyfriend does - he pitches in and helps out. Does your boyfriend do that?

 

I think you need to come home Friday prepared with a "to do" list for your boyfriend, of things he needs to do to help you with your pets if he wants to be in a relationship with you. Like, a pet-nuptial agreement (ah yes that's cheesy but you get the point). Always, ALWAYS have a pet-nuptial agreement before you move in with a significant other if you or they have pets. If you don't, then these kinds of situations happen.

 

If your boyfriend gives you the "it's me or the pets" ultimatum again after you get home this Friday from Thanksgiving, choose your pets. Boyfriends come and go, but pets are forever.