SethDamien Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Ok, i dont want to get in on the "woe is me" mentality... i posted several threads about my breakup... long story short, my ex who happens to be my office mate is dating a fellow office mate. now im just alone, cant call anybody, my friends are all busy (and dont have that many friends), cant really open up to family, im depressed at work seeing them everyday... any sure fire way you guys coped through serious heartache alone? Link to post Share on other sites
mrs.nalgena Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I'm going through a break up all by myself right now, although my circumstances are different...it helped me to write a few posts here, just to get it off my chest. And read what I wrote sort of see it from the distance. You just have to stay strong, there is no other way. PM me if u want and we can discuss our misery (: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Of course you can call your friends & talk to your family. That is what they are there for. Yes, everybody is busy but if you reach out in a positive manner & say hey, just wanted to catch up, what are you doing? Can you distract me while I get over my break up? Somebody will have you over for dinner or make some time to hang out with you. You also could benefit from finding ways to distract yourself. Exercise is good because it releases endorphins. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedButton Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I had a similar situation, I'm living an a new city and as such I didn't have family and my long term friends around during the breakup. What I did: * Skyped a lot with family - not sure if this is an option for everyone, but being able to actually 'talk' instead of type and see my family was really helpful. * Hung out with my small circle of friends more often - I would start seeing them 2 or 3 times a week instead of once a week. I told one friend about the breakup and the others I just said 'I have more free time now' so we spend more time together * Work on personal projects - Ever wanted to take up painting? Do it now. When you find yourself lonely or having nothing to do, break out some kind of hobby and work on that for an hour. I already had been doing a lot of creative writing so I just used that. If you don't have a hobby, look into something you might enjoy. * Find a new activity/club etc - I tried to take up Fencing, it wasn't feasible but I spent a couple of weeks researching it and getting free trials etc. I have to put it on the backburner for now, but instead I'm going to look into joining a gym and doing some free weights instead. Even just looking and researching new things to do will eat up time. If it's not physical activity, you can look to join an acting class, take up ballroom dancing, defensive driving, learn chess, speak conversational French, whatever. Find something you think sounds fun or cool and give it a shot, even if it's just a week or a free lesson or trial and see if you like it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gormley Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I'm with you. Married only 3 moths after 5 years of being together and she's gone. Terrible pain but getting stronger. Loss my sense of self it's coming back now and gone NC. She'll have to communicate at some point as we have a 2 year old daughter and not seeing her doubles the pain. Have started a dance class and enjoying meeting people. Going on a retreat next week. As everyone says look after yourself. I had to reach the low point before starting to climb back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
andilyn1 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I'm in the midst of my breakup from a week ago, and I'm pretty lonely myself. Most of my friends live pretty far away, and sadly, they are too busy with their own lives to help me much right now. Don't have much family I can lean on. So I've pretty much been dealing with it alone. It hurts. Badly. Try and find something to do, anything, so it will keep you busy so you don't sit and dwell on your breakup or your ex all day. Easier said than done I know. I'm struggling with it myself. Hang in there though. Someday soon we will all be stronger because of this, even if we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Niko 2021 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 (edited) I'm in the same boat as you, maybe worse. A month ago, I found out my now ex cheated on me. I was with her for 5 years, built my life around her, I was about to propose to her, and lost all of my friends for her. Now I only have family, a few friends I text that are out of state, and that's it. Where I work, I am an hour away from family as well. So honestly, I have zero friends that I can physically hang out with. Plus I'm very introverted, so it's hard for me to make friends anyway. I sometimes go to the bar alone, in fact, every week, Depressing. I do run everyday, that kinda helps. I don't know what more I could say, just toughing it out. If you want, you can read my thread of when she cheated on me, pretty horrifying =/ "it's always darkest before the dawn" Edited November 26, 2014 by Niko 2021 Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 (edited) To the TC: It takes a few ingredients to create the potion you need. The ingredients: 1). Don't look at your ex's social media FOR ANYONE REASON, PERIOD. 2). Delete ALL old pictures of your ex or that remind you of your ex 3). Do NOT contact them for ANY REASON!!! 4). Accept and follow this, and then the final ingredient is time. Now moving on... Most of my friends live pretty far away, and sadly, they are too busy with their own lives to help me much right now. Don't have much family I can lean on. So I've pretty much been dealing with it alone. It hurts. Badly. My heart goes out to you, and I relate. When my ex fiance and me broke up and she moved in with an abusive guy, I had no one either. My friends were married or out of state. My dad was very busy, and my profession isn't exactly the MOST welcoming to emotions or heartbreak... I spent many days alone, facing the worst darkness staring back at me. It took a while for me to be able to stare back and smile at that darkness instead of tear up. But eventually I smiled, and it lost its power. I was with her for 5 years, built my life around her, I was about to propose to her, and lost all of my friends for her. Good God brother, we are so similar in this regard. What I learned was to certainly never build my life on a shaky foundation again. It gets better. Way better. I can say this because it DID. Don't believe me? Look at this account at some of the first posts. You will see where I came from and how far I've come. Edited November 26, 2014 by Strength in Healing 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gormley Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 God felt stronger yesterday but today still holding out a crazy hope that she'll come to her senses. Can't get her off my mind and how good our life was. Blaming myself fully today. Thought I'd got past this. Divorce papers seem pretty final. Anybody come back from that? Link to post Share on other sites
Alex84 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 (edited) I am in the same boat too. I've never had a lot of friends, and since I have become chronically ill my friends have left one by one. Guess they find it depressing to be around someone that is going nowhere and is sick. Even though I try to be positive it's hard sometimes. Now this breakup happens, even though i treated her great and she acknowledges this. It has left me very lonely and broken as well. I don't know if I ever will get over this. It has been 2 months now, but I still feel as ****ty as the day it happened. For the second time by the way, because she took me back 3 months before that. I just can't be who she wants me to be. I am not good enough and it hurts because she and her little boy is everything to me. I am missing two people now. Never again I will date a woman with a child. My solution has been: Buy an xbox and play some games to get my mind off it. But it isn't working Oh and going to the gym every other day. That does help a little bit. At least I'll be in better shape after a while when i am hopefully over this crap. @topic starter, we have to stay strong. Edited November 26, 2014 by Alex84 Link to post Share on other sites
ponchsox Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 I broke up with my ex a year ago and I'm still depressed. I've been on several dates but it's like I don't have an energy to date anymore. I'm worried I'm never going to find something like we had Link to post Share on other sites
Author SethDamien Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) update i apologize this thread was bumped, but i'm back again! Thanks for all the support here! Writing how i feel helps me move on quicker and i guess i'm finding it as a new hobby to occupy my time, so bear with me. Yesterday, i spent time with my college buddies and it was wonderful! today, i spent quality afternoon with my mom and sister. these efforts of moving on however are isolated, i know when the workdays come, i'll be depressed all over again... i try to avoid conversations about my ex since i know my relationship is none of their business. Moving on is especially hard since i see her everyday, in our house, and in the office. I'm an introvert myself, and i know moments as these are hard to come by. Before, every trouble i had during the day could be drowsed by her kisses, every anxiety could be removed by the touch of her hand and a whisper to my ear. Now, this outlet is gone. I'm sure fellow introverts understand the feeling of loneliness after a break up. (sorry extroverts, but you have plenty of friends to always be with, though i know the pain is mutual) Hearing from other forums though, ones who had it worse than me, even the married couples who divorced after X^n years, i question, how could they still manage to move on with life? i just have a question though, in the case of no contact, how many months would one generally take be able to move on from their ex? i cant wait to get over her. Everything is still fresh - so the only thing keeping me driven for now is the thought that i will pursue her and try to win her years to come. Edited November 30, 2014 by SethDamien Link to post Share on other sites
doeblin Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 i just have a question though, in the case of no contact, how many months would one generally take be able to move on from their ex? i cant wait to get over her. Everything is still fresh - so the only thing keeping me driven for now is the thought that i will pursue her and try to win her years to come. One thing you could do is listen to the chatter in your head, identify negative thought patterns, reject them and change them for the better. This will take considerable effort at first. Negative thoughts breed negative emotions. There is no rule how long will it take to get over her, but No Contact, regular exercise, healthy diet and mindfulness certainly help to get over her faster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostInLosingLove Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 i just have a question though, in the case of no contact, how many months would one generally take be able to move on from their ex? i cant wait to get over her. Everything is still fresh - so the only thing keeping me driven for now is the thought that i will pursue her and try to win her years to come. Everyone loves differently to different degrees. There is no time limit. When you get there, you'll know. Just don't get so caught up in the future you that you forget to live for the current you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pickmeup Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I can't bear the pain, I am tired of it, tired of being strong. I do have a lot of support around me friends and family, I am lucky but I am tired of acting, pretending that 6 months on I am doing okay. I'm not, I'm trying so hard to be strong but I feel drained. I know everything we should be doing, positive thoughts, keeping busy, seeing friends, exercise I have plenty, I've entered a marathon to have something to focus on. I do it all and the pain isn't going :-( :-( I just want to curl up and sob. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SethDamien Posted December 1, 2014 Author Share Posted December 1, 2014 Thanks! i'm doing the best i can to stay happy in our workplace, but it takes a considerable amount of effort in my part to stay that way... and home is even more depressing, all alone, the only thing i can do is curl up in my bed and reminisce.. i try to distract my thoughts on other matters, but im just fooling myself... every second, it's always her and that guy in my mind. Resentment is bad, but i feel im wasting days off my life by staying that way... They say moving on to happier thoughts help, but it may not be easy... i guess i just loved my ex differently than others because some tips here appear too impossible for me. what should i do to better overcome this? I have been exercising, it feels good for a moment, but afterwards, nothing. I have limited contact with my friends! I tried to meditate to practice on my mindfulness but being alone pushes me further to think about the problems. This "thought poison" is eating me away slowly. Nothings seems to be working... i know what you guys will say, my heart is still closed, i'll never move on staying this way, etc... others who feel they're in a black hole of their own construct that they cannot escape? Link to post Share on other sites
Pickmeup Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 So was your relationship perfect or were there downsides, things you compromised? I sometimes try and knock my husband off the pedestal I seem to have placed him on. Was it really that perfect? Are there any things you don't miss? Focus on those points rather than all the good things. It helps me sometimes if I can keep my mind on the right track. One of my friends helps me do this, she says "we need to build a case against him" :-) Link to post Share on other sites
doeblin Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 what should i do to better overcome this? I have been exercising, it feels good for a moment, but afterwards, nothing. I have limited contact with my friends! I tried to meditate to practice on my mindfulness but being alone pushes me further to think about the problems. This "thought poison" is eating me away slowly. Nothings seems to be working... i know what you guys will say, my heart is still closed, i'll never move on staying this way, etc... others who feel they're in a black hole of their own construct that they cannot escape? I know you're in agony. It's good that you realize that this black hole is your own construct. This means that you can build a ladder to get out of this! But it's not going to be easy. You have to make the effort! If you keep doing the good things and manage to avoid the bad habits (like drinking, social isolation, rumination etc.) then you will get over this. From what I understand, a break up is very similar to grieving psychologically and similar to drug withdrawal neurally. You are a recovering addict basically. This recovery takes months. If you're interested in books, check out Feeling good by David Burns and Buddha's brain by Rick Hanson. A good psychotherapist (someone who understands cbt & mindfulness) could also help. Writing out your feelings on Loveshack could help too, so keep us updated! Link to post Share on other sites
Gary45 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Im sorry to hear that, meybe you need to change your work Link to post Share on other sites
Lokin4AReason Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 im going thru the same thing ..... and it is rough family non supportive, friend(s) to busy for anything, and starting to re kindle old hobbies, etc ..... Link to post Share on other sites
Ganz7 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 I can't bear the pain, I am tired of it, tired of being strong. I do have a lot of support around me friends and family, I am lucky but I am tired of acting, pretending that 6 months on I am doing okay. I'm not, I'm trying so hard to be strong but I feel drained. I know everything we should be doing, positive thoughts, keeping busy, seeing friends, exercise I have plenty, I've entered a marathon to have something to focus on. I do it all and the pain isn't going :-( :-( I just want to curl up and sob. I feel your pain fella. Its been two months for me and I get really low days where I do what you wanna do: curl up and die. I don't know which is worse the shock of her walking out or the level of pain i'm going through. What I did that does alleviate some of the pain was create a facebook page so I could have some friends or rekindle old friendships. Get in touch with as many old friends as possible. I wrote a list to remind myself to stay in touch with friends and family at least once every two weeks or at least txt once a week if you don't get to seem them. Even if it's one friend but make sure you stay in touch on a regular basis. It's great when people respond in facebook as you don't feel quite alone. Join a dance class if possible. Join an art class or photography class as you will get lots of women on those kind of courses. Make friends on these courses. Join a meetup group on the internet who arrange meetups on Friday and Saturday nights. Not been to one yet but again it's being with people. MAKE time for others around you, even a little conversation with the checkout people at the supermarket. Make time for people at work too and want to be in their company. It's still hard knowing she will never come back but I try to remind myself that she could have been taken away in another way and that would have been worse. Instead she walked out. If she did that she isn't the one for you. Families come and go but friends can stay for life. One of my mum's regrets in her older age is that she lost touch with her friends. Stand strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SethDamien Posted December 6, 2014 Author Share Posted December 6, 2014 (edited) Thanks again for the advises...first week on this forum i definitely reserved some criticisms for other members' advice... they seem harsh, or too quick for me to adapt and even impossible at times when all i could think of is bringing her back. Now, im happy im taking baby steps towards moving on.. since last week my hypertension slowed.. i was no longer palpitating.. started exercising 2x/week, and started doing things on my own again without feeling ever lonely (okay slightly). The past weeks were just stressful.. it was an endless cycle of work and sleep that didn't seem to go away, (my personal dreams halted due to severe sadness) now, i can finally set my goals again. Now im not stressing anymore how our future might end up... dont get me wrong, i said 'baby steps' so i still love her. but my emotional reactions weren't as intense as they were before... -I took a long bike ride along the neighborhood to feel the air (something we've always done together) and it was refreshing... -I didn't long to text her every hour anymore -i un-friended my ex on facebook and un-friended the girl i was involved with 10 months ago (we dated once but never cheated)... -still no luck with friends and family, but since our last meet up, i know i could count on them anytime i wanted to. -but most of all, the sadness isnt as intense anymore.. Feeling better... Thanks Guys! Edited December 6, 2014 by SethDamien Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts