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Friend flirting with my ex


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Ok, the three of us work at the same office.

We broke up for some time now but my office "friend" officially asked my ex on a date. My ex was also keen on keeping conversation with him. The signs were clear. there was nothing to hide.

 

But im afraid my boss will know my production is slowing down... i cant focus because all im thinking is them, no matter how hard i try to forget it, it always jumps back while im working.. i hate it. i've become less focused at work, unproductive...

 

im due to leave office in 4 months time... would it be fine for me to ask them to slow down just until the time i leave? 4 months is a loong time for me to suffer unproductivity, stress and jealousy...

 

i feel i should talk to my "friend" and tell him to slow down out of respect, i dont want to waste precious office time skulking... i cant work properly just by the thought of the 3 of us working in the same room.

 

Professional or experienced advice would be helpful...

 

PS. i love how this forum is helping me get by... the words keep me distracted from my foolish actions and helps me think more clearly.

Edited by SethDamien
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You can ask them to slow down or keep it out of the office, but they're under no obligation to agree.

 

You can talk to your boss if their non-work-related chatter or inappropriate behaviour are causing you distress.

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It must be very hard for all concerned.

 

If it were me, I'd see about moving to another department, or leaving the job earlier than originally planned.

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If he's really your "friend", then he wouldn't be dating your ex, end of story.

 

 

And when you dip your pen in the company inkwell, things like this are bound to happen, learn from it.

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Combining the advice from above, I think you should:

 

• Explore any means possible of leaving this job earlier than you originally planned. (Although I was glad to see that you do have firm plans to leave).

 

• Delicately express to your friend that you don't want to know a thing about any relationship between him and your ex, and ask if he could keep things on the down-low in your presence out of respect for you and the pain you're still feeling.

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You can ask them to slow down or keep it out of the office, but they're under no obligation to agree.

 

You can talk to your boss if their non-work-related chatter or inappropriate behaviour are causing you distress.

 

Their stations are adjacent but there are no inappropriate behavior, just chatting, and oftentimes i hear whispering between them. Its not distracting other office mates too, just me...

 

Your advice really drove me to do it... i texted my officemate to slow down, and he willingly agreed and apologized... but because of what i've done, i now feel guilt for strangling their happiness... :(

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Combining the advice from above, I think you should:

 

• Explore any means possible of leaving this job earlier than you originally planned. (Although I was glad to see that you do have firm plans to leave).

 

• Delicately express to your friend that you don't want to know a thing about any relationship between him and your ex, and ask if he could keep things on the down-low in your presence out of respect for you and the pain you're still feeling.

 

my leave is just temporary. i'm scheduled to review for my licensure exam which will take 6 months in another city. After which, i'll complete my contract in the same office for another 2 years. Pity me right? but i keep on hoping that 6 months of distance from her will finally clear my head and not worry about seeing them together. MOVING ON IS KEY which i havent perfected yet.

 

second, i did tell the guy how i felt respectfully. he agreed to back off. even admitted that if he never butted in, he never would have ruined our relationship (though our relationship ended months ago with a different reason) he apologized for messing everything up. ;)

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At the back of my head, i still feel like the villain. i was the "dumped" and been the jealous-ex. The guy is nice, known him for a year, godly fellow. and i know my ex is happy talking with him... its not a vengeful, flirty relationship they have... its more of a friends - bestfriends - (uncertain future) kind of relationship... they're not rushing. It would be selfish of me to take it away... cliche as it sounds, im actually thinking, if i really loved my ex, i would let her be happy. But again with this problem... we work in the same place!!!

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It's definitely a tough position you're in. Anyone in your shoes would feel uncomfortable.

 

Some temporary ideas to explore: Do you have the option to move desks (without it causing any sort of drama)? Can you work from home occasionally? Can you plan for a vacation or two during these four months before you leave?

 

It's great that you're going to be out of there for a while. Being in a new environment will definitely be for the best.

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At the back of my head, i still feel like the villain. i was the "dumped" and been the jealous-ex. The guy is nice, known him for a year, godly fellow. and i know my ex is happy talking with him... its not a vengeful, flirty relationship they have... its more of a friends - bestfriends - (uncertain future) kind of relationship... they're not rushing. It would be selfish of me to take it away... cliche as it sounds, im actually thinking, if i really loved my ex, i would let her be happy. But again with this problem... we work in the same place!!!

 

 

You the villain?!?!?! DUDE! He JUST admitted to you in a text that he ruined your relationship! He sabotaged it! And the sad part is, your Ex allowed for this guy to invade your relationship! To put doubt in her head....blah...blah...

 

 

This guy is an underhanded snake! Sounds like the kind of guy that will smile to your face but stab you in the back. He's probably having a laugh about it so SAVE THAT TEXT FROM HIM!!!! DO NOT DELETE IT!!!!!

 

 

I have feeling that he's going to do as you ask, but NOT at your benefit, for his own. Sooner or later, she's going to feel him withdrawing from her at work and she's going to ask him about it. Then, he's going to tell her that you told him not to be so obvious at work and that he needs to back off from her. Thus, making him look like the good guy and demonizing you even further as a jealous asshat.

 

 

She might get mad at you thinking that you are invading her personal life and she might approach you about it. If she does, just show her the text from him admitting that he purposely interfered with your relationship. Let her read it and have it sink in, then walk away.

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You the villain?!?!?! DUDE! He JUST admitted to you in a text that he ruined your relationship! He sabotaged it! And the sad part is, your Ex allowed for this guy to invade your relationship! To put doubt in her head....blah...blah...

 

he didnt exactly ruin our relationship. we ended our relationship on good terms months before on a different reason. So she actually have the right of it.

But i made the mistake of allowing her to be my friend... i never realized, that friendship wasnt enough to hold her, that someday, she will be stepping on the date-zone with some guy who will eventually sweep her off her feet.

 

I know it doesnt matter and it doesnt help me cope any faster, but in the place where i live, she's a gem. Know what i mean?

 

She's always sought after, at any given day, there's always some guy trying to ask her out, trying to court her. Been so proud through these years, feels like i could walk the streets and flaunt my awesome girl, that was a long time ago... I know everyone says this, but let me just say it.. she's the most awesome girl i ever met, she could kill through heartbreak.

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The more you write about it, the more I think you need to get out of this work environment. Is it possible you can try to change jobs entirely?

 

Maybe it can't happen that quickly, but after your six-month stint in the new location, can you make it so you don't return to your old office?

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You can ask them to slow down or keep it out of the office, but they're under no obligation to agree.

 

You can talk to your boss if their non-work-related chatter or inappropriate behaviour are causing you distress.

 

It's definitely a tough position you're in. Anyone in your shoes would feel uncomfortable.

 

Some temporary ideas to explore: Do you have the option to move desks (without it causing any sort of drama)? Can you work from home occasionally? Can you plan for a vacation or two during these four months before you leave?

 

It's great that you're going to be out of there for a while. Being in a new environment will definitely be for the best.

 

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to list my options... you dont know how much it means that someone who lives 1000s of miles away cares enough for my own problems. :o

 

So here's what ive done lately, i asked my boss for a 3-day leave. didnt tell him why, just said i've had major palpitations and difficulty in breathing which were affecting my work. He agreed and im now on my first day of leave... hopefully my 3-days off from work will help, but i fear its too short.

 

I can definitely tell my boss i'd prefer to work at home, but it will raise suspicions and i dont really want this issue to go beyond the 3 of us especially to my boss...

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The more you write about it, the more I think you need to get out of this work environment. Is it possible you can try to change jobs entirely?

 

Maybe it can't happen that quickly, but after your six-month stint in the new location, can you make it so you don't return to your old office?

 

i agree 100%. i really would LOVE to move jobs. I know its the best decision i would make if i could. But there's so many factors and i just cant leave my job. Sounds like prison eh?

I was really planning on marrying her, having kids together... my life had a purpose with her, i had a drive to succeed because of her... now im just reeling from the past, trying to remember my mistake that led to our breakup in the first place, slumping all day at work and at home... Thinking about trying to win her back if she's still single by her late 20s eases me a bit, but everytime im reminded how it couldnt be, i just get depressed all over again.

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update

 

finally, i politely asked her to stop it with this guy from work... i told her i was worrying about my health and productivity as all i was thinking is for the benefit of our office.

 

I don't want her to appear heartless, but when i brought it up, she immediately said i was shameless.

 

her: "After all you've done to me, you still feel you have the right to say that? He's just a friend and we enjoy having conversations!"

 

me: "i accept my mistakes, but im also thinking about my professional life. i cant take another day like this at the office! i hope you can respect that! my job is on the line!"

 

her: respect!? ha! did you ever respect me when we were together? how selfish of you! you have no idea of the hurt you've brought me. they were unforgivable, and now you ask for leniency?

 

i know there was no getting out of it... she texted me later and said "everything is still fresh, lets not talk about things pertaining to the past. lets zip it"

 

atleast she's cooled down, but im back to square one. i didnt think i really achieved anything with our conversation.

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OK, why in the hell did you go to HER with this request when you'd already talked to the guy and he'd responded in what sounds like a polite, reasonable way?

 

I've gotta call you out on needlessly stirring up drama. Seems like you wanted to get a reaction from her/make sure she knows how much you're suffering.

 

Regardless, yeah, this environment isn't healthy and you need to do whatever you can to get yourself out of it.

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update

 

finally, i politely asked her to stop it with this guy from work... i told her i was worrying about my health and productivity as all i was thinking is for the benefit of our office.

 

I don't want her to appear heartless, but when i brought it up, she immediately said i was shameless.

 

her: "After all you've done to me, you still feel you have the right to say that? He's just a friend and we enjoy having conversations!"

 

me: "i accept my mistakes, but im also thinking about my professional life. i cant take another day like this at the office! i hope you can respect that! my job is on the line!"

 

her: respect!? ha! did you ever respect me when we were together? how selfish of you! you have no idea of the hurt you've brought me. they were unforgivable, and now you ask for leniency?

 

i know there was no getting out of it... she texted me later and said "everything is still fresh, lets not talk about things pertaining to the past. lets zip it"

 

atleast she's cooled down, but im back to square one. i didnt think i really achieved anything with our conversation.

 

 

 

 

Great, well....expect her to rub your face in it a little more now.

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Great, well....expect her to rub your face in it a little more now.

 

yeah, i messed up big time... We were the best of friends before this, and i never really anticipated she'd find a guy so easily. I've read the NC guide before, and now i feel crappy... i know i could still maintain friendship with her, i just never should have restrained her. now, as you say, she'll rub it in my face....

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In the office you need to pretend she doesn't exist and completely ignore her (except for situations where you're required to interact for work purposes, when you should be polite and civil, only engaging in a shallow way). Fake it like nothing bothers you until the day when you actually feel that way.

 

Then outside of work, you shouldn't have any interaction with her at all. No texting (delete her damn number), no following her on social media. Absolutely nothing.

 

And I'll repeat some earlier advice:

 

• Plan a vacation soon to get yourself out of there during this four-month stretch. Doesn't matter if you're just visiting some college friends or what. Just leave for a while.

 

• Despite all your reservations and practical reasons for not wanting to leave this job, you should seriously open your mind to that possibility. You are miserable in your workplace and doing yourself harm. You described it as a "prison." So why wouldn't you try to leave? It's time for a fresh start. Maybe even a new city.

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yeah, i messed up big time... We were the best of friends before this, and i never really anticipated she'd find a guy so easily. I've read the NC guide before, and now i feel crappy... i know i could still maintain friendship with her, i just never should have restrained her. now, as you say, she'll rub it in my face....

 

 

 

Yeah dude. I hate to say it but, she's going to adopt the attitude of "You don't own me and you can't dictate who I 'talk' to and who I don't. If you don't like it, oh well!" But, she wont' say it to you, she'll show you.

 

 

Best advice given on here, stay far away from them as possible. If they work in the same cubicle bullpen as you, bring an ipod with you and put in your ear buds. Listen to music while you work rather than hear them talking. Because she's going to talk a little louder now and giggle a little louder as well. Start NC. Hard as possible until you're out of there.

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Thanks guys. i may not be doing the best remedy of the time... im in my 2nd day of leave and its not doing me any good.

 

The problem with 'hobbies after breakup' or 'keeping yourself busy' is, i never find the motivation to start doing these things after everything blew over. i like working on CGI graphics... im an architectural visualizer and designer, but at work, i feel like my output is crap, and working on it at home just loses my balance... im currently eating oreos, playing video games and watching movies. (really done alot to make the most out of my paid leave eh?) :D

 

you're tips are really helpful @STANDARDFARE. Just hearing your advises and other's comments about the issue eases me alot.

 

* I deleted her number

* I took the leave to compose myself

* And i finally pushed my friends to meet up (since none of them would really try to push for a reunion.)

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But..., just to let you guys know, i really have a unique situation here...

 

we live in the same area and we've done chores for each other since we started the relationship and never stopped doing it even after breakup.

 

I know i'll never forgive myself if i spend a weekend without helping her out, So I kept helping her with daily chores like: groceries, do the laundry with her, even walk to the nearest pharmacy to buy her meds, or anything that needed done,.. Its something that never escaped my mind... i still love her THAT much!

 

- I've done my fair share of stupidity in our relationship, she told me i had no respect for her, that i was ruining her life (partly yes)

 

So i've been trying all i can to make it up with her and clinging to that hope that someday she'll see that i really love her. She didnt say she's going far with this office mate, so i'll cling to that idea that she doesnt really see anything with him...

 

stubborn heart of mine! argh!

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I know i'll never forgive myself if i spend a weekend without helping her out, So I kept helping her with daily chores like: groceries, do the laundry with her, even walk to the nearest pharmacy to buy her meds, or anything that needed done,.. Its something that never escaped my mind...

 

Ugh, man, you may be beyond help here. You don't WANT to move on. So you won't.

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