Dumpers V dumpees

[Jimmyjackson]

Just a quick post to get peoples opinions on the dumper v the dumpee.

 

The dumper loses interest in you, cheats on you either physically or emotionally (or both), they're the ones however who are out having a great time. They might be with a rebound, they might not be, but they seem to have moved on and couldn't care less about the person they dumped.

 

The dumpee, the one who actually deserves better, mopes around the house and mulls over the break up for a significant period of time, especially when they are still in love and didn't see it coming.

 

Why is it that the dumpee, who actually knows their ex is wrong still spends so much time thinking about the dumper? yet the dumper is guilt free. Do these roles ever reverse?

 

Just an opinion/experienced based thread I guess...

[jojojo_92]

Ugh, yes! My post is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/503055-3-weeks-after-breakup-time-move - for anyone that wants to take a look at it.

 

It's been 3 weeks for me personally

 

and I guess it may be 3 reasons...

 

1) The dumpee has moved on... BEFORE the actual breakup, if that makes sense? Maybe they had a realization during a previous fight or an "epiphany" of some sort prior to the breakup event that probably made them mentally or emotionally move on ahead of the dumpee...

 

 

2) Maybe the dumper does feel a sense of regret or does miss the dumpee but is too proud/ashamed to amend things as the deed is done and I know some people who believe that an ex is an ex for a reason, no going back!

 

3) The dumpee acts or seems as if they are over the breakup and as if you never existed in an "out of sight, out of mind" fashion. The fact that maybe you guys won't cross paths is enough for them to be at peace and they just try to move on by blocking you on every social media outlet and deleting all your pictures as if the past X amount of years with you didn't happen! Things like that do serve as a reminder and perhaps they don't want to look back.

 

I don't necessarily think they are "guilt free" as no one knows what they're thinking and what's going through their head, just because they don't talk about you to their friends or family it doesn't really mean they're not thinking of you in some sort of way. That's what sucks. The dumpee will never know. That's probably a good thing though.

 

It sucks and I am a firm believer in karma so I can only hope my ex will miss me.

[Gloria25]

Agreed,

 

The dumper usually already got themselves emotionally ready for the break up. They were planning it and/or already had resentful feelings building up. So, when the actual "break" happens - they already got through the stages of sadness, anger, etc. Also, they may already have a replacement in the wakes and/or are ready for a replacement.

 

And, then there's ego. The dumpee might feel there's actually something wrong about them. Rejection sucks. So, IMO, most of the time the dumpee is more preoccupied with being dumped and really doesn't even want the dumper back. They just want their ego repaired.

 

And, after ego. Again, rejection sucks. Even "if" you don't want the dumper back, you still start to wonder if he/she was right that you aren't all that. I mean, if they don't want you - who will?

[Jimmyjackson]

Agreed,

 

The dumper usually already got themselves emotionally ready for the break up. They were planning it and/or already had resentful feelings building up. So, when the actual "break" happens - they already got through the stages of sadness, anger, etc. Also, they may already have a replacement in the wakes and/or are ready for a replacement.

 

And, then there's ego. The dumpee might feel there's actually something wrong about them. Rejection sucks. So, IMO, most of the time the dumpee is more preoccupied with being dumped and really doesn't even want the dumper back. They just want their ego repaired.

 

And, after ego. Again, rejection sucks. Even "if" you don't want the dumper back, you still start to wonder if he/she was right that you aren't all that. I mean, if they don't want you - who will?

 

Both posted insightful repsonses. If the dumper has in fact moved on and prepared themselves for it, what are the chances of them having a change of heart?

[Itspointless]

The dumper loses interest in you, cheats on you either physically or emotionally (or both), they're the ones however who are out having a great time. They might be with a rebound, they might not be, but they seem to have moved on and couldn't care less about the person they dumped.

 

The dumpee, the one who actually deserves better, mopes around the house and mulls over the break up for a significant period of time, especially when they are still in love and didn't see it coming.

Having a great time, no, it doesn't always work like this. I was dumped last year because she got ill again and could not handle being vulnerable. She had to endure some massive operations and I had/have to endure not knowing a thing. We both deserved better.

[metaversus]

Based on everything I have been reading, it seems to me females are more likely to come back than males in 'dumper' vs 'dumpee' situations, or at least make contact with the dumpee within a shorter time frame. Guys seem to move on a lot more quickly when they are the dumpers.

Prior to my breakup I felt my ex distancing himself from me emotionally, and as a result I tried to do everything I could to lure him back. It only made things worse.

Day 10 of nc contact here. Some days are better than others. I am hoping I will feel better by day 30.

[metaversus]

Both posted insightful repsonses. If the dumper has in fact moved on and prepared themselves for it, what are the chances of them having a change of heart?

 

3% chance. Highly unlikely. Best to move on with your life and try your best to let go of hope they come back. I heard this in a movie recently which resonated with me: "I'm not convinced about your idea of 'the one'. I don't think love is about fireworks, birds singing, and the perfect person. You know what I think it's about, love? It's about percentages. I think consider what your percentages are, and if you like the numbers give them a go."

[Jimmyjackson]

Based on everything I have been reading, it seems to me females are more likely to come back than males in 'dumper' vs 'dumpee' situations, or at least make contact with the dumpee within a shorter time frame. Guys seem to move on a lot more quickly when they are the dumpers.

Prior to my breakup I felt my ex distancing himself from me emotionally, and as a result I tried to do everything I could to lure him back. It only made things worse.

Day 10 of nc contact here. Some days are better than others. I am hoping I will feel better by day 30.

 

That's interesting, I seem to be getting the opposite vibe haha. It seems to me that women are more in tune with their emotions, whereas men act in a rash manner; maybe it's not gender related anyway, who knows. From a females perspective, have you ever dumped someone and not looked back? felt guilt etc?

[jojojo_92]

Based on everything I have been reading, it seems to me females are more likely to come back than males in 'dumper' vs 'dumpee' situations, or at least make contact with the dumpee within a shorter time frame. Guys seem to move on a lot more quickly when they are the dumpers.

Prior to my breakup I felt my ex distancing himself from me emotionally, and as a result I tried to do everything I could to lure him back. It only made things worse.

Day 10 of nc contact here. Some days are better than others. I am hoping I will feel better by day 30.

 

In the same boat here. His dropbox account was still synced to my laptop as I just found out and I saw pictures of him hanging out with his friends and such. Seemed pretty fine to me. No one knows what he's thinking but it still sucks soooooooo much.

[metaversus]

That's interesting, I seem to be getting the opposite vibe haha. It seems to me that women are more in tune with their emotions, whereas men act in a rash manner; maybe it's not gender related anyway, who knows. From a females perspective, have you ever dumped someone and not looked back? felt guilt etc?

 

I think it depends on reason(s) for the breakup.

For men, if there are issues he is dealing with internally which does not have to do with their partner there is a good chance he will come back in some form.

My ex has a lot of internal issues, but unfortunately for me I wasn't the image of 'the one' my ex sees in his mind as a future partner. He wants to be with a professionally successful woman who will augment his societal status. This is the toughest of all pills to swallow. Happens to me a lot though since I am drawn to dazzling, highly ambitious and driven men who strive to make a difference in the world. I'm super laid back and chill about everything.

For women, if there was a real relationship with attachment they will almost always come back in some form. It will take the longest if they get involved with someone new. If their new relationship fails I guarantee they will want to see what is up with you. Otherwise it could happen a lot more quickly once she realizes how awful the dating world is and the good thing she gave up. I'd say this will happen within a 6 month time-frame.

It really depends on who has the upper hand. Like who is 'cooler'. Who has a better life situation, etc.

[KatZee]

Both posted insightful repsonses. If the dumper has in fact moved on and prepared themselves for it, what are the chances of them having a change of heart?

 

I've been the female dumper a couple of times. Neither time did I ever have a change or heart, or entertain the possibility of a chance of heart.

 

I was miserable in both relationships and the break ups needed to happen.

 

Once I made the cut, the only feeling I had was relief.

[Jimmyjackson]

I've been the female dumper a couple of times. Neither time did I ever have a change or heart, or entertain the possibility of a chance of heart.

 

I was miserable in both relationships and the break ups needed to happen.

 

Once I made the cut, the only feeling I had was relief.

 

Were they because of a loss of feelings? or did the guy(s) do something to make you miserable? not being loving, abusive etc...

[metaversus]

In the same boat here. His dropbox account was still synced to my laptop as I just found out and I saw pictures of him hanging out with his friends and such. Seemed pretty fine to me. No one knows what he's thinking but it still sucks soooooooo much.

 

Totally sucks jojojo. How long was your relationship? Do you have a thread about it on here?

I'm starting to feel the change budding within me, but I haven't actively taken steps to make these changes yet. My relationship was short (4 months), but I consider him to be one of the (4) great loves of my life. I predict this is going to take me a few months to get over. I'll probably have to go through another cycle.

This past week was better because I was texting with a new (Tinder) guy I had hope for. We had our first date yesterday but it didn't work out, and that sent me back into a depressive, cyber-stalking my ex state last night. I blew off a party all my friends were expecting me at and gave them some lame excuse why I couldn't go. I probably would have met a lot of new people there too, but I just wasn't in any state to be festive last night. I couldn't even bring myself to fake it.

I'm feeling a little better today though. This forum helps a lot, just reading about other people in the same situations.

Like I said, some days are better than others.

[stillafool]

I've also been the dumper a number of times and each time I had already disconnected emotionally from the guy before I moved on. I too only felt relief when the relationships were over and would never want to go back. The thing that made me feel guilty is begging, long letters and such. I'm the type that when it's over it's over.

[BC1980]

Most people dump someone because the feelings died to a point that they would rather not be in the relationship. The one who is dumped is still emotionally attached to the dumper. Most times, it's as simple as that. Also, the fact you were rejected is not easy to take. It's worse when the dumper treated you badly because you think, "if this person won't even stay with me, who will?" So you have to wade through all of this feelings too.

[metaversus]

I've also been the dumper a number of times and each time I had already disconnected emotionally from the guy before I moved on. I too only felt relief when the relationships were over and would never want to go back. The thing that made me feel guilty is begging, long letters and such. I'm the type that when it's over it's over.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is likely because you were never emotionally invested in the relationship to begin with.

[stillafool]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is likely because you were never emotionally invested in the relationship to begin with.

 

You know, now that I look back on them you are probably right.

[Jimmyjackson]

Most people dump someone because the feelings died to a point that they would rather not be in the relationship. The one who is dumped is still emotionally attached to the dumper. Most times, it's as simple as that. Also, the fact you were rejected is not easy to take. It's worse when the dumper treated you badly because you think, "if this person won't even stay with me, who will?" So you have to wade through all of this feelings too.

 

Once these feelings are gone, is there no looking back?

[Eddie007]

No one can give you the answers you are seeking. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. It's pretty much that simple.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is likely because you were never emotionally invested in the relationship to begin with.

 

I'm not so sure about this. stillafool's posts, especially the descriptions of feeling relieved, are right on. I've broken up with people, and been broken up with. When I'm the one doing the dumping, I've already moved on in my mind by the time I actually did it. It wasn't a matter of being emotionally invested or not; by the time I said the words, I'd spent so long thinking about it and envisioning myself as single that I was completely detached. I suppose it could be different if the breakup was sudden on both sides, but I doubt that happens very often.

 

In terms of turning back and having a change of heart? Never. I don't break up impulsively. If it's the kind of person who makes rash decisions, then they might rethink it, but I've never broken up with someone and regretted it later.

[hotpotato]

Both posted insightful repsonses. If the dumper has in fact moved on and prepared themselves for it, what are the chances of them having a change of heart?

 

It happens, but oftentimes when the dumpee is no longer interested. Dumpers can really shoot themselves this way.

 

I think women are more firm when it comes to breaking up. If I broke up with someone, it would be after a period of trying to fix things and giving warnings.

[Jimmyjackson]

some great answers in here, nice to get different opinions/view points.

 

It's something that I'm going through (being the dumpee) it was my first relationship and I'm 22.

 

Not looking for any false hope or anything, just interested in the subject and peoples ideas around it

[metaversus]

In terms of turning back and having a change of heart? Never. I don't break up impulsively. If it's the kind of person who makes rash decisions, then they might rethink it, but I've never broken up with someone and regretted it later.

 

My ex mentioned he had a few exgirlfriends he had gotten back together with, but I think it was when he was the dumpee. I think he's usually in the dumpee situation, so this was unusual for him, which is why there is even less of a chance of him coming back. He seemed very certain we did not have a future together, but he still adimantly insisted that he wanted me in his life as a close friend and a lover. Very confusing. My conclusion is that I just don't fit the mold of the type of partner he sees himself ending up with.

I think I was his rebound relationship.

I've never broken up with anyone and regretted it later, because any guy I've broken up with I was never in love with to begin with. That's what I mean about never being emotionally invested.

Edited November 24, 2014 by metaversus

[KatZee]

Were they because of a loss of feelings? or did the guy(s) do something to make you miserable? not being loving, abusive etc...

 

One guy was a pretty neglectful boyfriend. He was more into playing world of Warcraft than having a relationship.

 

The other guy literally didn't do anything wrong I just wasn't attracted to him and wasn't in love with him. He was talking moving in together and marriage and I just had to leave.

[Jimmyjackson]

My ex mentioned he had a few exgirlfriends he had gotten back together with, but I think it was when he was the dumpee. I think he's usually in the dumpee situation, so this was unusual for him, which is why there is even less of a chance of him coming back. He seemed very certain we did not have a future together, but he still adimantly insisted that he wanted me in his life as a close friend and a lover. Very confusing. My conclusion is that I just don't fit the mold of the type of partner he sees himself ending up with.

I think I was his rebound relationship.

I've never broken up with anyone and regretted it later, because any guy I've broken up with I was never in love with to begin with. That's what I mean about never being emotionally invested.

 

Do you not think that you were in love at one point, but fell out of love? Whether it be by your partners actions or just your own mind...you just lost that love?