me I am sick of beating myself up. I took him for granted and he left

[nickoburkosin]

I found this amazing website and I really want to share my story, I have been reading many threads for the past month, and it had really helped me even more than my friends advices.

 

This is my store.

 

 

I am 23 now and my ex is 22.

 

We used to live 800 kms away apart in two different big cities, but we used to talk and chat every day, and I used to travel to visit him every weekend or vice-versa.

 

I had a really comfortable life where I lived, I enjoyed my work and I was living in a nice place. I was stressed for my migration situation in this country though, and this guy helped me a lot, he saved me to go back to my country, he got involved in such a way nobody did it before and I will always be immensely thankful for what he did, he used to talk with my lawyers, he gave me many options, he did research a lot, he advised what and not to do and many many things mooooooore.....

 

Anyways, after 3 months to get to know each other I decided to ask for a transfer at work so I would move in with him.

He used to live with two roommates, they were really nice, well, sometimes....

the things did not start that easy for me, my new job was so horrible, the people I started to work with were terrible towards me, I even started to have nightmares with them and I got super stressed.

The place were I was living was really small too, so I remember one time I got stressed and I told him that I just wanted to go back to other city.

He was really sad about it and frustrated.

 

We started to find our own place and we found a beautiful apartment, I was really happy and proud to have our own place and furniture being really young.

 

My job was really crappy and I was unsuccessful finding another one ( what A loser I am) I also started to have health problems related to the cold because it was winter. I had to use an inhalator every night and drink lots of water.

 

My ex started to be a bit possessive, I couldn't take selfies because otherwise he would be very uncomfortable, he dislike that I followed certain people on Twitter, I deleted my Instagram and I even stopped talking with my friends because I didn't want t to get in trouble with him ( we had many fights about it, in part because I hate when someone wants to control me but at the end I let them to do it)

 

Also my previous ex bf who lives in another continent texted me a couple of times wondering about my life, I told him I was in love with my new boyfriend and blah blah , even my ex saw it.

He texted me another time asking what was going on with my life , that he was living now in Spain and he loved it.

My ex found it so rude and terrible so I just deleted him off everything, despite the fact that I didn't feel anything for that guy, we just had ended our relationship in good terms and he was living 13.000 kms away anyways

 

I stopped having a life , I started to rely on him a lot and I became very dependent to him.

He used to pick me up every day ( 4 days a week) from work and make my dinner. I really enjoyed it, we used to watch friends whilst having dinner and then going to sleep.

I always ended up going late to bed because I wanted to distract myself from work reading news or planning a trip to Europe I always wanted to do with him.

He always used to fell asleep on my left arm and I found it very cute.

Sometimes I had days off during the week and I used to watch porn and he knew it and he was so angry about this, but I feel I was not cheating on him, that I was just bored sometimes, we had an active sex life and I enjoyed having sex with him and I always told him.

 

I know he was sometimes insecure with himself specially for the fact that his ex cheated on him.

I encouraged him to go to the gym with me and made him feel comfortable.

Sometimes I made stupid jokes like me leaving the country and leaving to Scandinavia ( I always wanted to live there haha)

But I guess I enjoyed how he said he would anywhere with me

 

the coldest and worst month of the year came and by this point we were not doing fun stuffs anymore, I suggested him many times to go away, but always something happened, the only time that we could spend quality time was with his friends. I had to accomodate myself with his friends, even although some of them I even didn't feel connected I was happy being with him and his friends.

I was in disadvantage, I stopped having my own friends, and it was just my own responsibility.

 

I made an amazing birthday surprise with his family and friends and I was so happy seeing him to smile

 

We had a horrible fight that month because he was going to film a movie with his best friend and I just wanted to stay at home, but I wanted to be with him, anyways, I went to get breakfast first and then have a shower to go with him but he said it was pretty late and he had to go.

He came back pretty late and I was so pissed off ( I know I was so ****ng immature )

The next day I was still angry with him and i looked at him with so much anger, he was really worried and I told him that he was very selfish ( I don't know what I did say that)

He started to cry and say to me that even if we broke up he didn't want It to end bitter like my previous relationships, that he wanted me in his life in any capacity. I feel really bad because he was crying over this.

But things changed from that moment, he started to be really distant and cold towards me, and it kinda hurted me so I also pushed him away.

We started to have fights over stupid things, like if the apartment wasn't enough clean, or if the oven was dirty, or because the laundry wasn't done.

He started these fight by this time, and I was not feeling right.

I felt like everything was so monotonous, I invited him one day to have drink with me in an amazing bar but he said he couldn't because he was not feeling right.

He went away to visit his dad, and I really missed him so much but when he came back he was really indifferent with me, he deleted me from his wallpaper, he changed his profile pic on Facebook ( the one we were together) and it made me feel really bad but I didn't say anything, maybe I didn't pay too much attention.

We started to talk less.

Sometimes I felt like I was living in his place like a guest, even although I worked hard in a horrible job to pay the bills.

He spent the money over stupid things too, but I felt I could it spend it, like I wanted to buy a go pro camera but he wasn't supportive.

 

We decided that I would move out, that it would save our relationship and that the things would be better. I was really reserved about it, and I felt it was a step backward.

He promised me everything would be so good, that he would never leave me.

He helped me to move out to my new place ( 5 mins away waking from his workplace)

He also asked me my keys of the apartment back because he had lost his keys, I didn't have any problem at all.

 

The first time I saw him, we agreed to have dinner but he said he would come late because he has drinks at his work. I was a bit angry because we had agreed to have dinner in a determined time and then he changed it.

But I saw him and I was so happy, I really missed him so much , but he was weird, he even said a compliment to someone else in the street and he never did this before.

 

We got back to my apartment and we did things and I really liked it but to be honest I felt a bit used. He was in rush to leave my apartment.

He started to reply my sms back really late, 6 days later I texted him to spend the day with him but instead he texted me the next day saying that he was with his friend but I still could come and seeing him.

I remember I was there with him and his friend and I felt like I was a stranger, I was so ignored. And it really made me feel sad because the person who u love treated you like **** and made u feel worthless ( I just started crying typing this but it really hurts)

 

He talked about his planes and I even didn't have any idea.

Two days later I texted him saying I really wanted to talk, but he said he couldn't because he was busy and that some of his friends were going to visit him, by this point I was really sick of this, and i told him that I would rather to be friends and that I wanted to break up ( OF COURSE I DIDNT WANT TO I LOVED THIS GUY SO MUCH)

He said that he was really sorry for not making me happy, that he just wanted to give me independency and the best for me and that he was there for him if I ever need him.

I started to feel so horrible and depressed, so two days later I texted him saying how much I love him and that I wanted to fight for our relationship but he texted me back saying that he love me but he was not in love with me anymore, that he stopped being in love for the fights, that now we could enjoy time instead fighting every time.

I asked him that if he had met someone else and said that he didn't , that I became very suspicious too.

I called him and he ignored me

So I asked him to speak it in person and he said he couldn't because I would finish late working, I left my job and I met him in my apartment.

I was crying so much, and he said he couldn't give me what I want? I told him that I didn't want to be in the middle of his career and I would do whatever he wanted, and he just said he couldn't be with me.

I told him that I wanted to have sex with him and I kissed him and we had sex.

He just left and said that it was not the end of the world.

I was so destroyed, I never felt so much pain in my entire life, I stopped eating and sleeping. I don't know how I could go to work, I feel dead inside like a zombie.

He posted pics on his Facebook about his amazing life, about presents that he was getting for someone else.

One week after I texted him saying that I wanted to talk with him but he was very harsh with me and said he was going away with his family.

Then, one week later I wrote a letter that I wanted to see him in person, it was also my bday soon btw.

I asked him on Facebook to meet up in person but he told me that he didn't want to do it. That he didn't want to give me false hopes, that he was just waiting for him end this transition ( being in a relationship) and he just wanted to spend time with me as friends

That he wanted to me by friends for many years but that I had to move on.

I told him that I loved him so much, but he said that he was not in love with me.

That he had to get back to work.

I told him that I was so sorry for being so needy and dependent to him , that I was really sorry because I bacame a pain in the arse, he told me that we were in different places that I had certain needs

I asked him for a second chance but he said that never again, that it was dead, that I had to move on and enjoy my life and to meet someone else, that I didn't need to change, that I would find someone else to spoil me.

I did put him on a pedestal, I told him that I screw up the relationship, that he was amazing, that I just hope him to find someone as amazing like he is

He said that he will look fondly in our relationship but it's in the past, that he wanted to see me in my bday, that he had moved on.

I asked him that if he did treat me bad on porpoise for the last two weeks, and he said that yes, that he was pushing me away because he felt guilty because he didn't love me, that he tried but he couldn't .

I told him that it was so unfair, that why he didn't tell me what it was happening, that I had been feeling horrible for the last week like ****

He just said " enjoy your evening"

 

Two days later for my day he texted me to have dinner, but I said to him that it was not good idea.

He said that it was okay but that if changed my mind to let him know.

6 hours later I realised that it was my 23 bday that I wanted him to be part of it but he said he couldn't because had plans already.

 

Two weeks later I texted him to have dinner or lunch ( I thought I need closure and I had more questions) he said yea of course but we never met.

One week later he texted me that he wanted to catch up to give me my bday present

It was the last time I saw him, he hugged me and he was telling me about his life and I was telling me about my life, that I had changed of job, that I was studying full time, that it was summer and everything was good, I was not sick anymore, that everything was good except for the fact I was not with him anymore.

He gave me a present , and I told him that I still had feelings for him, that I could be his friend for now.

He told me that he wanted to help but he didn't know how, that one day I will wake up and won't feel anything, that I will fall in love again. That I should meet someone older to make happy, that he understood I was feeling, because he felt the same way when his ex cheated on him.

I told him that there were no cheating between us so he said it was good, that we were going to cheat at some point, I told him that I would never do that.

He told me that when I meet someone else he would understand to stop being my friend.

I left and I was hurt. I didn't cry or anything.

 

I have never felt like this way before, I feel miserable, I feel with low self steen and confidence. And I am a very good looking person, people always stare at me, I used to be a funny guy, very outgoing. I don't smoke or drink, I am very healthy and I had goals in my life, but now I don't have any motivation in my life, I think every time about this guy, I have dreams with him every night.

I feel guilty , I feel like I took him for granted, and that he just got bored of me for my childish attitude

 

I'm sick of beating myself up for all the mistakes I did, for that time I didn't go with him to film the movie, for not being more affective, for not telling him enough how much I loved him, for not being more friendly with his friends, etc and I am so sick of feeling this way.

 

He's now seeing someone else, a Brazilian, he posts videos and they are probably together having fun whilst I am wasting my time, And it was only 2 months ago since I moved out.

I deleted him off all my social networks

 

I feel betrayed for the person I never thought would do this

I lost focus on my life, and I know I need to move on but it's really hard.

 

I feel like I was a terrible boyfriend, for him it was like it never happened, his ex trated him like ****, cheated oh him, and was really unattractive but he still missed him and me?

Not even having the courage to break up with in my face.

I am still in love with him, he was a really nice guy, and I never had this connection with someone else before, I feel like I would never fall in love again, it's to hard to find someone young, with aspirations in life, And with commitment, for me he was perfect and I screw it up

 

Hope any advices and sorry for this long story and my English grammar!