My ex texted me during NC. .

[Xidion]

My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago. I have been NC for 5 days now. We have had some communication about our lease. I told her I would get her taken off of it. She texted me last night at 2:30am and said "so what about the lease?". It will be the third time she has texted me about it. I really don't want to respond and break NC. Also.. she has clothes here that she knows are here and has made no effort to get them. To me it seems she is using these to reach out. Any suggestions?

 

P.S. I'm pretty sure she is BPD. She shows nearly every sign of it.

[me85]

If you don't want to hear from her just block her. Simple.

 

 

 

 

Why do you think she is bipolar?

[Xidion]

Not bipolar... Borderline Personality Disorder. She fits all the symptoms. Was with her for almost 2 years.

[Jsbodhi]

I think she's just using it as an excuse to keep in contact. I have stuff at my boyfriends house that I want back, and would like to use as an excuse to see him. But I don't want to seem pathetic. He also doesn't want to see me, so I won't make him.

He can throw them out if he wants.

Anyway, I'm going on about myself.

she texted at 2:30 am, clearly she's just trying to find an excuse to contact you.

Tell her you'll inform her when she's off the lease, and to leave you alone.

Edited November 22, 2014 by Jsbodhi

[Xidion]

I texted her back just now. I said "I have not had the chance to do so yet, but I will take care of it on my day off". She said, "Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope things are becoming easier for you". Why would she say that to me? I haven't replied after that.

[Invictus01]

I texted her back just now. I said "I have not had the chance to do so yet, but I will take care of it on my day off". She said, "Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope things are becoming easier for you". Why would she say that to me? I haven't replied after that.

 

She is trying to be your buddy. Don't do that to yourself.

[Xidion]

Why would she try to be my buddy?

[me85]

Why would she try to be my buddy?

 

Because she doesn't want you to hate her. It's a guilt thing.

[Xidion]

I'm pretty sure she is seeing the guy that I caught her talking to. I mean.. it's really for the best. She was very dishonest. But that still doesn't make it easier after almost 2 years together. I texted her back and told her that she needs to get her things from my apartment so that she won't have any reasons to contact me anymore. Because i need to recover. I asked that once she gets her things that she not contact me at all anymore. She never replies when I tell her about getting her things...

[Cedar27]

The fact is things are over between you two and she is still reaching out despite your NC. If you are already handling everything with getting her out of the lease, and she knows this you have no obligation to respond to her. I would however make an arrangement with her to pick up her things, she's using that as a way back in or at the very least, a way to milk this thing longer. The quicker you can tie up all the loose strings (lease, belongings, etc) the easier it will be for you to enforce the NC. Until then, she will feel like she still has a right to contact you, and will continue to do so.

[Xidion]

The fact is things are over between you two and she is still reaching out despite your NC. If you are already handling everything with getting her out of the lease, and she knows this you have no obligation to respond to her. I would however make an arrangement with her to pick up her things, she's using that as a way back in or at the very least, a way to milk this thing longer. The quicker you can tie up all the loose strings (lease, belongings, etc) the easier it will be for you to enforce the NC. Until then, she will feel like she still has a right to contact you, and will continue to do so.

That's what I'm trying to do. Like I said.. when I mention her getting her things.. she stops replying. I may have to just drop them off at her grandma's house.

[Cedar27]

That's what I'm trying to do. Like I said.. when I mention her getting her things.. she stops replying. I may have to just drop them off at her grandma's house.

 

Great idea. Drop them off, and then send her a a text to tell her where to find it.

[candie13]

Xidion, maybe I am projecting, but my ex liked to play mind games - your gf of two years must be different and the quality of your relationship must be a lot higher than what I had with my previous partner, during our short affair. What drove me mad, was not having the control, because my ex was always changing his mind. So I had to be the bigger person and just take charge. End the relationship, clear up the mess, separate the territories and make sure he can never ever contact me again.

 

I feel the need to know where I am and I cannot stand to feel that my ex is feeling sorry for me. Having - preserving a decent ounce of dignity is very important to me. Some people call that misplaced self confidence, I dunno, it's just who I am .

 

So... my friend, take charge. I am sorry to say, you are not out of the woods yet. Take all of her stuff, box them and give it to one of your common friends. Set up a meeting with the landlord - this week - to have her name taken out. Then write her a nice text, saying: your clothes are with Jen, I've set up the meeting with the landlord for next Wednesday. I will give all of your letters to Jen, every week until the address change is in place. All the best for you, I'd appreciate it if you stopped all contact. Thanks a lot, Xidion"

 

And then you can start with No Contact. But some things need to be fixed first. Take charge. Be strong. After that's done, you'll feel like **** because you'll know there's no turning back... but in a way... that moment there, closing it all in a clean, clear, definite way.... that is what will help close this chapter and invariably move forward. In a way, there is no option but to move forward. It's up to you if you're going to do this the smooth way or the distraught way. None of them is easy, but... I think, as a person, it is very important to keep some dignity along the way.

 

Stay strong and think only of yourself. What's best for you. How you can close this fastest. What brings YOU closure.

 

Cheers, mate

[Xidion]

Xidion, maybe I am projecting, but my ex liked to play mind games - your gf of two years must be different and the quality of your relationship must be a lot higher than what I had with my previous partner, during our short affair. What drove me mad, was not having the control, because my ex was always changing his mind. So I had to be the bigger person and just take charge. End the relationship, clear up the mess, separate the territories and make sure he can never ever contact me again.

 

I feel the need to know where I am and I cannot stand to feel that my ex is feeling sorry for me. Having - preserving a decent ounce of dignity is very important to me. Some people call that misplaced self confidence, I dunno, it's just who I am .

 

So... my friend, take charge. I am sorry to say, you are not out of the woods yet. Take all of her stuff, box them and give it to one of your common friends. Set up a meeting with the landlord - this week - to have her name taken out. Then write her a nice text, saying: your clothes are with Jen, I've set up the meeting with the landlord for next Wednesday. I will give all of your letters to Jen, every week until the address change is in place. All the best for you, I'd appreciate it if you stopped all contact. Thanks a lot, Xidion"

 

And then you can start with No Contact. But some things need to be fixed first. Take charge. Be strong. After that's done, you'll feel like **** because you'll know there's no turning back... but in a way... that moment there, closing it all in a clean, clear, definite way.... that is what will help close this chapter and invariably move forward. In a way, there is no option but to move forward. It's up to you if you're going to do this the smooth way or the distraught way. None of them is easy, but... I think, as a person, it is very important to keep some dignity along the way.

 

Stay strong and think only of yourself. What's best for you. How you can close this fastest. What brings YOU closure.

 

Cheers, mate

 

 

This is what I shall do then. I get caught up in trying to understand. Why would she want to play mind games with me? Part of me feels like she is trying to keep me on a chain incase whatever fling she is having doesn't work out. But I will not allow myself to be plan B. Ever..

[candie13]

She's not playing mind games, but ideally, she does not want you to hurt, because this would make her feel like the bad person. She feels guilty. I do think dumpers are genuinely concerned and wish well to the dumpees... but showing that they feel sorry for them is the worst possible thing they can do. It is selfish. By sending 'I hope you're better' message, she is shaking off a guilty conscience. She is not saying "I want you back. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I am really really sorry, let's try again."

 

It's normal to go around in circles trying to imagine what it is that they thought... but unless you get one of those three phrases up there... anything else is breadcrumbs.

 

If you don't want to be plan B, then yeah, act like plan A, mate. Attitude. Drive. Leadership. Go for it ! The fastest you close this chapter, the faster you get to move on.

[Xidion]

I don't understand why she ignores me everytime I bring up her getting her things from my apartment. Why would she want to drag this out even further?

[candie13]

because beginnings are scary for everyone. Including for dumpers. She knows you. She decided to leave. It doesn't mean she's 100% up for it. It's scary to be single...

 

Her being scared to be single or dragging the separation process is something that benefits her exclusively. She is not actively choosing you. That is the only part that is important for you.

[Xidion]

because beginnings are scary for everyone. Including for dumpers. She knows you. She decided to leave. It doesn't mean she's 100% up for it. It's scary to be single...

 

Her being scared to be single or dragging the separation process is something that benefits her exclusively. She is not actively choosing you. That is the only part that is important for you.

 

Yeah.. i know. Part of me is holding onto some kind of hope. I've been talking with other girls and even set up a date. But i haven't really fully accepted that it's over. I keep telling myself that she is leaving her stuff here for a reason to come back.

[Diezel]

Then stop having her stuff at your place.

 

If you truly think she has BPD, then she is never going to pick them up and will always keep you around as an option until a few weeks from now. She's going to flip back to "love" at some point when she starts devaluing the new guy.

 

It will happen (if you are truly convinced she is).

 

Mail her crap to her then, if it worries you this much. It seems like you haven't gotten to the acceptance stage or else her stuff wouldn't be there anymore.

[candie13]

Yeah.. i know. Part of me is holding onto some kind of hope. I've been talking with other girls and even set up a date. But i haven't really fully accepted that it's over. I keep telling myself that she is leaving her stuff here for a reason to come back.

 

Can u spell safety net ?

 

Don't beat yourself up, it takes a looooong time to let go. First you need to accept it's over. Then u need time to register it's over. And then you can start to think about letting go.

 

I like how you think, though, if it only were that simple .

[lemonsugar]

Throw her stuff out would be easiest. Give her a deadline and say that's it. I'm on the opposite I've heard nothing from my ex who broke up with me. Blessing somewhat but then you think everyone else hears from them I must be truly awful. But silence is easier than breadcrumbs

[Chi townD]

I don't understand why she ignores me everytime I bring up her getting her things from my apartment. Why would she want to drag this out even further?

 

 

 

Then you take the bull by the horns and you pack her stuff up. Drive it over to a trusted friends house that can assure you that she will get those items. Then, do what you need to do to get your name off the lease. You don't have to coordinate that with her. Just do it yourself.

 

 

After YOU'VE done the things that YOU needed to do to move on with your life so you're not held up in your healing wondering if she is ever going to pick her stuff up.

 

 

Cut all ties so you can start your healing.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

sigh this so similar to when I first broke up with mine, BPD & all.

 

 

its good you are realizing this now, and if she does in fact have BPD this is a battle you will only win by walking away.

 

 

people with personality disorders will psychologically damage the healthy person with the absolute craziness, back and forth , hot and cold non-sense.

 

 

trust me, it will drive you utterly insane, and every logical thing you try to do to fix things will only damage *you* further.

 

 

there is no fixing crazy, most people with personality disorders have no idea they have one, therefore they are resistant to any and all kinds of "treatment".

 

 

walk away.

[Xidion]

sigh this so similar to when I first broke up with mine, BPD & all.

 

 

its good you are realizing this now, and if she does in fact have BPD this is a battle you will only win by walking away.

 

 

people with personality disorders will psychologically damage the healthy person with the absolute craziness, back and forth , hot and cold non-sense.

 

 

trust me, it will drive you utterly insane, and every logical thing you try to do to fix things will only damage *you* further.

 

 

there is no fixing crazy, most people with personality disorders have no idea they have one, therefore they are resistant to any and all kinds of "treatment".

 

 

walk away.

 

You're right man. Walking away is the smartest choice. It's just how she made me feel in the first 8 months of out relationship that was so amazing. But it was all down hill from there. She always went through my phone. Nothing was ever good enough for her. No amount of attention. I would bring her home flowers and she would act like it wasn't even a big deal. I was trying harder and harder as she seemed to distance herself from the relationship. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like contacting her at all. But i still think about her on a daily basis. I need to get the strength to take care of the lease and take her things to a friends of hers.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

You're right man. Walking away is the smartest choice. It's just how she made me feel in the first 8 months of out relationship that was so amazing. But it was all down hill from there. She always went through my phone. Nothing was ever good enough for her. No amount of attention. I would bring her home flowers and she would act like it wasn't even a big deal. I was trying harder and harder as she seemed to distance herself from the relationship. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like contacting her at all. But i still think about her on a daily basis. I need to get the strength to take care of the lease and take her things to a friends of hers.

 

 

 

those are hallmark signs of a personality disorder, insecurity and immaturity, unable to deal with their own emotions, and you're lucky you haven't invested any more time in the relationship than you already have..

 

 

missing her, the good times, the memories, are all part of the process my friend, and it does get easier, slowly each day, but you must stay in NC, you cant have any kind of interaction with her whatsoever, even if its just looking at pictures of her, it will only cause you pain.

 

 

I miss and think about my ex everyday, but you have to accept the fact that once you've broken up, things are broken and they will never be what they were before the innocence of the relationship was gone.

 

 

head high, chin up, walk tall brother.

 

 

"there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."