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How to justify missed opportunities?


MatthewRyanSinger

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MatthewRyanSinger

Hello. This is my love story - full of romance and ending in despair. I could use any advice for how to get through the most traumatic breakup of my life. But this should be a fun read for anyone who doesn't believe in fairy tale romance. Yeah, I had it.

 

All I wanted in college was an amazing girlfriend. I dated so many women, and had a few crazy relationships that left me absolutely devastated and was always looking for real love. All my life I dreamed of two things: 1) having an amazing, sweet, adorable, beautiful girlfriend and 2) getting into medical school. I always wanted 1 to occur before 2 so I had a support system in medical school and love to keep me going. After fighting an intense sickness in college that left me fatigued for years, starting a reputable medical organization, and at the top of my game I got a job offer for an internship in Chicago (I'm from LA) that I took quickly. A few weeks before college ended, I was at a party and met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen - literally a 10/10 gorgeous cheerleader who loved puppies and adventures, very smart and just plain perfect for me. So cuddly and adorable I couldn't help but take her hand, pull her toward me, and give this complete stranger a huge bear hug. Crazy thing is that she felt the urge to do the same. When college ended I had to move from LA to Chicago for my internship but I couldn't get her out of my mind. It was a 2 year internship and I knew we wouldn't physicslly be together but I was still determined to make her mine. I spent the entire summer courting her, talking to her every day, sending her flowers and completely immersing her into my life and establishing an unbreakable bond. I had a week break in my internship and flew home. She drove 4 hours from her house and stayed with me for a week. We did every romantic thing possible: went to shows, disneyland, clam chowder at the beach. She met my parents too. She was PERFECT. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said YES! I won over my dream girl and felt incredible.

 

When I flew back to Chicago all I could do was think about her. That's it. I knew I couldn't be so far from her. I knew I had to be closer. I knew she was the one. I weighed my options and realized that, since my 2 goals were medical school and HER, I shouldn't focus on the internship, rather focus on building my relationship and studying for the MCAT. I quit the internship one week later and flew directly back to her house. We spent another incredible week together going to amusement parks, San Diego, romantic views and more. This was perfection. A fairy tale. After all of my struggles in college (which were immense) my life was actually becoming complete. I felt amazing with her by my side, so proud to be her man. God what I would do to have those moments back.

 

Over the course of the next few months she moved back to college (she was 2 years younger than me, but at a great college and graduating in 3 years because she was so smart). I got a job close to home. We were an hour and a half apart and would see each other on the weekends. Initially we sorted through some problems regarding her not feeling "taken care of." We got through them and things settled down. We eventually got into a routine where I would drive to her one weekend and she would drive to me the next. For Valentine's Day she made me a deck of cards - on each card was one thing she loved about me!! SHE ADORED ME AND I ADORED HER. We had our song.

 

This is where I screwed up. I started to study hard for my MCAT and couldn't give her as much attention. I was really stressed out and I made mistakes that I am embarrassed to even say but I must admit.

1) I had downloaded tinder on my phone and was swiping through people just for fun when I was bored. She caught me. I didn't see it as a big deal and wrote it off. That's when I fell from her eyes and she lost my trust. Unfortunately I was so focused on my MCAT I neglected making it up to her. She no longer felt special and I can only see this in retrospect. She withdrew a little and I didn't make the connection that it was related to whT I had done. I was so dumb.

2) somehow a question about love came up and I told her there were different types of love. She thought I didn't love her deeply anymore but I was questioning things because of her withdrawl

3) she called me and said she missed me and rather than consoling her I told dr I wouldn't be able to do a long distance relationship in the future

 

Somehow ignorantly I thought things were okay until she totally withdrew and broke up with me after we went on a vacation.

 

I took my Mcat. After she chased me, I chased her. She withdrew

She went to Europe after she graduated and emailed me telling me she loved me and wanted to move in with me. I should have told her I was going to get a job so we could get our own place. Instead I offered she move in at my house with me or get an apartment that we can share and then when I move into medical school id pay for more of the rent with my financial aid.

 

Basically I wasnt a man and left my life behind. I became a whimp. I had so many missed opportunities and ended up losing my fairy tale. The love of my life. I am so in over my head here and can't even accept what has happened. I tried my best to get her back but with no avail. I made myself look weaker in the meantime.

 

Such promising moments and now I feel like my future is destroyed. I miss her attention and love. She provided everything I needed and in retrospect I can only see how I should have cherished her more like the first day I met her. I know I will not have the opportunity to develop a relationship before medical school and I worry with the workload I won't be able to build a "nest" until I'm in my 30's. I had perfection and pushed it away. I was a knight in shining armor who sweeper her off her feet then stabbed himself with his own sword fight in he heart. I've been down and depressed for months on end.

 

It's time to move on. But how do I take these first steps when she was my world and the only thing I ever wanted. Seriously...she was it. I got into medical school with her support and now I can't even take her with me because she has moved on. I felt like having the support was crucial for my future and I still do. I am 23 and missed so many opportunities to get her back but my confusions and anxiety ultimately led to my downfall.

 

I am not a victim of my circumstances. I shot myself in the foot here And caused these circumstances with the girl that wanted to build a life for me. She loved me for me. I brought her so much happiness. Now I can't trust myself in relationships and starting over with someone will eventually happen, but I'm convinced I'll never find someone as beautiful and it's not going to be for a log time.

 

Any advice would be great. It's time for me to man up and move on but I need support.

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jackinthebox1

Everyone thinks they wont be able to find someone as beautiful, amazing as their ex because once u get dumped all those emotional feelings that you have from rejection, you thin are caused from losing that person.

In reality there are tons of great women out there. There are thousands of people on this forum claiming their ex is the most beautiful person ever and thats not possible is it?

I was like u for the first two weeks, i still am a bit. But i went out tonight and met a girl who was even hotter than my ex and my ex was a professional model.

You're 23. You will look back at 30 and be glad you didnt settle down. Go have some life experiences

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Forget the girl. Seriously, forget the girl. It wasn't as wonderful as you claim otherwise you would have found something other than Tinder to distract you when you were bored.

 

 

Go to med school. Study hard. Flirt with your classmates & a few nurses. Have a great life.

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I am sorry that you feel your future is destroyed. Did you learn from this relationship? Did you grow? It will take time friend, but you can move on. I am sorry it is such a struggle.

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MatthewRyanSinger

Thanks everyone for reaching out. I learned to not take the people in your life for granted and when someone says I love you they mean it. My biggest concern is that I lost my support system for medical school and I am prone to getting extremely lonely, especially when I am stressed. Getting my ex was my biggest goal of life, even moreso than becoming a doctor it was finding that special someone... I am passionate about science and medicine but in the context of me doing it just for myself and not my family, my motivation is diminished. These are the thoughts I am struggling with currently.

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MatthewRyanSinger

My ex went to Europe after she graduated. This was after a period of me trying to get her back. When she was in Europe she admitted to me that she still loved me via email, missed me, and wanted to talk about moving in together (something I had suggested a few weeks prior). This made me ecstatic. Then when she got home I was swamped with med school apps and very anxious and when we talked about moving in together all I could think about was her either moving in with me to my parents or her getting her own place and me living between the 2. Obviously both were dumb considering I'm 23 and she is 21 and wanted her own place to live. But when I was overwhelmed all I could think about was getting those apps in, when I should have also been looking for full time jobs to support the apartment. Ultimately, this caused me to lose her for good.

 

This is amongst countless other opportunities I had that ultimately destroyed the relationship. This one in particular was the nail in the coffin.

 

So, how do you justify these types of missed opportunities?

 

I'm literally dying here.

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If this was a real desire from her to be with you and move in together, it shouldn't have mattered that you needed time for applications or that it wasn't feasible at the time.

 

It sounds to me like she might have suggested it in a moment when she didn't have things sorted out for herself and didn't really know what she wanted.

 

Don't think of this as a missed opportunity, but rather as having revealed the truth about her intentions. If she really meant it, and really loved you this wouldn't have been a 'make or break' situation.

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Sounds like you dodged a bullet. You don't want to move in with someone that would not be supportive of your career/school goals. You're only 23 years old and headed to med school. In my opinion you are far better off not being in a relationship.

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MatthewRyanSinger

I should clarify and say that she was fully supportive of my career goals. She was talking about moving to medical school with me and everything but I told her we would have to live together first. She knew I had apps and we were talking about moving in at the end of Summer, 3 months after. It was just in the moment that I couldn't see myself getting a job, etc. I ultimately broke things off because I was so stressed over the whole thing.

 

This all coming after she broke uo with me months prior due to me saying and doing some stupid stuff that would push any girl away...

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MatthewRyanSinger

I was extremely emotionally unstable at the time and had ZERO clarity of thought. Too much was going on at once...

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Sounds like you obviously broke things off for a reason. Maybe you haven't given yourself enough time to think about what you really want. Do you really want to be with her? Do you feel you two are right together? If you got back together would it end badly again?

 

Maybe you could reach out to her to apologise if you feel you mistreated her, but then tell her you both need some time to clear your heads. If she's serious about you, maybe you'll be able to approach her in a month or two when you both have a better idea of what you need and want?

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MatthewRyanSinger

I broke things off because I couldn't think straight and had so much abandonment anxiety from when she broke up with me in the first place. It didn't have anything to do with loving her less. What happened was when she got back from Europe, our relationship became a LDR because she was moving back home 4 hours from me. I was so worried about never seeing her again (crazy thought, I know...) I got VERY impulsive and overwhelmed with anxiety over all of this. When I broke things off I still couldn't get over her. I went NC for 6 weeks and in that time worked on a letter explaining everything. When I sent it to her after 6 weeks she contacted me that day and I ended up driving to see her the following night. She said she wanted to take things slowly but was very vague. I saw her that one time and then we had limited contact (a few texts per day or s short text convo - no reciprocated flirting and she continued to be VERY vague.) Ultimately, I broke things off a few days ago again because she did not want things to progress further. Unreciprocated love. I pretty much exhausted all of my options.

 

As for whether or not I really want to be with her. Yes. I quit a job and moved across the country for her because she was literally the girl of my dreams. We had both intense chemistry and became best friends.

 

I pushed her away initially and violated her trust and plans for the future. I shot myself in the foot because I was taking adderall (prescribed) to study for my MCAT which blunts your emotions and judgement. It was only after my test - when she had already broken u with me - that I was able to see things for how they really were. She was passionately in love with me and I screwed myself.

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I broke things off because I couldn't think straight and had so much abandonment anxiety from when she broke up with me in the first place. It didn't have anything to do with loving her less. What happened was when she got back from Europe, our relationship became a LDR because she was moving back home 4 hours from me. I was so worried about never seeing her again (crazy thought, I know...) I got VERY impulsive and overwhelmed with anxiety over all of this. When I broke things off I still couldn't get over her. I went NC for 6 weeks and in that time worked on a letter explaining everything. When I sent it to her after 6 weeks she contacted me that day and I ended up driving to see her the following night. She said she wanted to take things slowly but was very vague. I saw her that one time and then we had limited contact (a few texts per day or s short text convo - no reciprocated flirting and she continued to be VERY vague.) Ultimately, I broke things off a few days ago again because she did not want things to progress further. Unreciprocated love. I pretty much exhausted all of my options.

 

As for whether or not I really want to be with her. Yes. I quit a job and moved across the country for her because she was literally the girl of my dreams. We had both intense chemistry and became best friends.

 

I pushed her away initially and violated her trust and plans for the future. I shot myself in the foot because I was taking adderall (prescribed) to study for my MCAT which blunts your emotions and judgement. It was only after my test - when she had already broken u with me - that I was able to see things for how they really were. She was passionately in love with me and I screwed myself.

 

Sorry to say this but you are going round in circles. What came first chicken or egg. TBH the eggs broken and the chickens dead. However you are a med student you wont find it too hard to find a nice girl when you are ready. But you need to stop beating yourself up and going round in circles. It gets better

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MatthewRyanSinger

Yeah it's beyond repair but it's hard to sit with myself at this point. I've been severely depressed and even suicidal at the beginning of this. hopefully I'll come out of it stronger but still scared ****less of a future without her.

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