Things can change so fast!!

[Firestarter1069]

I apologize if I get long winded here, but I feel as if writing about my situation will help me a little.

 

About a year and a half ago I met a woman at work. We do not work in the same department, but shared the same breaks so we would see each other quite frequently. During this time we ended up becoming very close friends just during the 5 minutes or so of talking on these breaks. Eventually this led to us exchanging phone numbers which in turn led us to communicating pretty much on a daily basis outside of work via text messaging. About 9 months ago we had a very deep text conversation about family life, past relationships, etc. During this conversation I asked her if she would come out for a drink with me one night in the future to which she politely declined, she told me she's been alone for 4-5 years and wasn't ready for anything yet. I assured her me asking her to meet up was strictly based on friendship, which was 100% true.

 

Fast forward to a month and a half later, I ended up taking her home from work one day after a big snow storm hit. A few nights later she asked me to meet up for that drink I asked her about. She said it's her treat for driving her home. We had a great time then parted ways. At work the next day, I told her she had to let me take her out and let me buy. That weekend we went out and again had a great time.

 

Within a week another big snow storm hit and once again I offered to get her to and from work. This time she invited me to stay at her place since it was much closer to work then my place. So I stayed. We had a few drinks then ended up going to bed for the night. I slept on the couch she slept in her bedroom. The following Saturday we went out again, but this time it felt different. She was telling all my friends how great of a guy I am and how the highlight of her work days are when we are on break together. As I'm taking her home that night we are getting very close to her place and she says to me, "I want you to stay at my place tonight, I feel the need to cuddle with you". So I stayed. We cuddled and talked for awhile, then she looks at me and kisses me, and it was GREAT!!! Then she asks me how is it I don't have a girlfriend to which I replied, "It's been a long long time since I've connected with someone". After this we just went to sleep. The next Tuesday we went out again and I ended up back at her place. We kissed some more then she says this to me..."Before we make this official there's something you need to know, I always screw good things up by pushing people away, but this feeling I have with you is something I haven't felt in a long time". So we brushed it off as nothing, you will soon see how this is where I believe I screwed up by being blinded by this woman.

 

Two months into the relationship she asked me to move in with her. I hesitated, not because I didn't want to, but because it threw me off. She said you not responding answered her question, we can talk about it another time. Things by now are going great, I was staying at her place 4 sometimes 5 nights a week, we would always joke about what we are ever going to fight about, we were sharing great times, I'd cook her breakfast, she'd cook me dinner, it was such a high feeling. July rolls around and me moving in got brought up again. This time we decided to discuss the financial aspect of things and decided the end of October we would do this. Side note...me moving in was something SHE brought up, I never mentioned it once.

 

Things are still going great, nothing different at all until October 1st rolls around. I'm at her place cooking dinner. My shift ended an hour before hers. She comes home and seemed different. She was sick the previous weekend so i asked her if she was still sick, she said, very sheepishly, no. I went to the kitchen to check on the food then came out to talk to her about our day, which was very common. Then out of nowhere she said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." I was stunned. She said, "I'm starting to push you away, I'm a terrible human being." I told her that I love her and want to be with her, we can work through this, we are too good together. She said she can't think about that right now, I need one week to let myself go before I even think about us. So I left.

 

We texted here and there, but it was very vague messaging. I avoided her at work and told her it was best I did that for awhile to which she agreed. After about a month she started messaging me about something then said about her being a bad human being again. So I asked her what REALLY happened. She told me she needs to be alone and there is no person that can change that. She thought I was the one that was going to change that. Then she apologized that it had to happen to me. I asked her if there was someone else to which she said there is NO way she could do that to me and if that was the case she would have told me. I actually believe her. I get that she was very independent over the past 4-5 years and I think as October hit it freaked her out. Needless to say...that's my life in a nutshell.

 

I've decided I'm done with relationships forever. I was such a happy person while I was alone for the past 3-4 years. Although the initial hurt I felt happened the day she told me she couldn't do this I still have thoughts of her sporadically and it hurts, it really does. Here was a woman I was planning a future with and out of nowhere this happens. I'm not willing to go through the range of emotions I've gone through since October 1st EVER again. They aren't as bad as they were a few weeks ago but deep down the pain is there. I told her I will always be a friend to her and she said right now she doesn't deserve my friendship. I told her I will see her around and if she ever needs anything to send me a message. I'm seriously doubting she ever will. I really do value her friendship and I don't think she realizes that right now. Oh well. Chalk this up as a lesson learned I guess.

[Strength in Healing]

I feel you, brother. First girl I dated after my ex fiance and me broke up, she said a similar warning. She was damaged from the past, but I loved her more than anyone or anything I ever had before.

 

She said one day she pushes people away. Well, another month or two later, one night she cries and then does it. Then after crying profusely apologized, but after another week or two she went back to being distant.

 

I am the first person to tend to think if a girl breaks up with you, it's for someone else, but if your case is like mine, then for the life of me, I don't think they did go for someone else. Which is very, very confusing.

[clementyne]

How very intriguing. If I may ask, did you manage to learn anything significant about her past relationships? Did she explain *why* she pushes people away? Was she hurt or traumatised by a past relationship perhaps?

[Standard-Fare]

Firestarter, that sounds hurtful and awful. Did she ever give you more of an explanation for why she ended things than "I always push people away/I need to be alone"? And did you guys ever talk seriously about working on an arrangement that made her feel less anxious and smothered?

 

It sounds as if, 1.5 months into this breakup, you've given up on her and feel that it's the right thing to do. Your instinct is probably correct. But I'm curious whether this woman has made any effort to change the outcome here or reconcile with you in any way.

[Firestarter1069]

I do know she is bipolar so I'm sure that contributed to it. I also know I was her longest relationship since she ended things with her ex 4-5 years ago.

 

When we got a little more serious she told me there were going to be times while I'm there and when we were to be living together that she was going to go to her room just to be alone and there were going to be times I might have had to find another place to stay for a night or 2 here and there. Both of these things were no problem to me as I have many friends that allow me to stay over basically whenever I want.

 

As far as past relationship issues when I asked about her ex from years ago she told me the reason they broke it off was he cheated on her.

 

As far as the bipolar stuff went I never felt like that was an issue. She never "freaked out" on me nor did I see any signs of it. In fact she went to her doctor about 3-4 months into it and she told me all they talked about was me. She was always good with her medication, in fact she had alarms set throughout her place as reminders. If she took a nap she made sure I would wake her to take her medication.

 

I miss her a lot. Just all the little things. The walks we would take, our conversations, drives we would go on, and just her company in general put a HUGE smile on my face. As much as all these things will more then likely trigger a good memory I just have to let it all go, which is very difficult. As hurt as I feel/felt the sad part for me right now is I would take her back in a heartbeat but I know I can't let that thought be in my mind right now.

[jackinthebox1]

Just because Americans have invented medicine for "bi-polar" doesnt mean its a real disease. Same as ADD which the inventor of ADD finally on his death bed said he made it up.

People are people. They are emotional and have no idea what they want.

[Kevin_D]

Just because Americans have invented medicine for "bi-polar" doesnt mean its a real disease. Same as ADD which the inventor of ADD finally on his death bed said he made it up.

People are people. They are emotional and have no idea what they want.

 

This could be the stupidest thing I've ever read on LS. Have you actually met a person with Bipolar-I during mania with psychosis? It's not a pleasant experience, let me tell you that. We're not talking about emotions, we're talking about delusions. People who would never hurt a fly suddenly turn into vicous monsters after 20-30 years.

 

You might as well claim that cancer is a made-up disease.

 

Firestarter1069: I'd say there is someone else. People with bipolar disorder are usually compulsive liars. They are masters of manipulation and gaslighting - And they love it. They enjoy watching you suffer. Believe me.

Edited November 18, 2014 by Kevin_D

[Firestarter1069]

This could be the stupidest thing I've ever read on LS. Have you actually met a person with Bipolar-I during mania with psychosis? It's not a pleasant experience, let me tell you that. We're not talking about emotions, we're talking about delusions. People who would never hurt a fly suddenly turn into vicous monsters after 20-30 years.

 

You might as well claim that cancer is a made-up disease.

 

Firestarter1069: I'd say there is someone else. People with bipolar disorder are usually compulsive liars. They are masters of manipulation and gaslighting - And they love it. They enjoy watching you suffer. Believe me.

 

 

The funny thing about this Kevin, is about 2-3 weeks after October 1st I started to think this was the case. She was out and about doing her normal things while I was just sitting around thinking. How can someone go from all that we had to NOTHING in a matter of days. It was at that point I slowly started to let go.

 

Since something similar to this happened to me 8 years ago this has led me to the decision that I'm done with everything concerning relationships. I was happy by myself for how many years and that's what I'm going back to. Had this last "relationship" not snuck up on me I'd still be a happy, single person. Slowly but surely I'm working my way back to being happy again. Since the initial "shock" of this happened over a month and a half ago it's not as bad as it could have been.

[Standard-Fare]

It's probably not a good idea for this thread to turn into a platform for spouting uneducated opinions about bipolar disorder. But here I go with mine:

 

The one characteristic that's been common among everyone I've known with bipolar disorder is a trend for unpredictable behavior.

 

One friend of mine, for example, normally comes off as the most stable, grounded person I know... a true "rock"... but every once in a while she terrifies me with off-the-wall, out-of-character decisions that seem to come out of thin air. I've learned to just stay on my toes and not be shocked/disappointed by these breaks to her stability. (Also, frankly, I make a point to keep somewhat an emotional distance.)

 

I don't know if this point is relevant to you, OP, just sharing. I'm sorry about what you're going through. I hope you can someday see value in the fact that you two once loved each other and shared a good time. It wasn't a waste. I'm sure it changed you as a person in some valuable ways. The pain you're feeling now shouldn't outweigh the positive aspect of your experience and memories.

[Firestarter1069]

It's probably not a good idea for this thread to turn into a platform for spouting uneducated opinions about bipolar disorder. But here I go with mine:

 

The one characteristic that's been common among everyone I've known with bipolar disorder is a trend for unpredictable behavior.

 

One friend of mine, for example, normally comes off as the most stable, grounded person I know... a true "rock"... but every once in a while she terrifies me with off-the-wall, out-of-character decisions that seem to come out of thin air. I've learned to just stay on my toes and not be shocked/disappointed by these breaks to her stability. (Also, frankly, I make a point to keep somewhat an emotional distance.)

 

I don't know if this point is relevant to you, OP, just sharing. I'm sorry about what you're going through. I hope you can someday see value in the fact that you two once loved each other and shared a good time. It wasn't a waste. I'm sure it changed you as a person in some valuable ways. The pain you're feeling now shouldn't outweigh the positive aspect of your experience and memories.

 

I do see the value in the fact that we both loved each other and had great times. In fact I told her that I will cherish the fact that she allowed me the chance to fall in love with her rather than me have sat around wondering what that feeling WOULD have been like.

 

I just don't think she understands the value I put on our friendship. Her saying she doesn't deserve my friendship baffles me. I told her we were friends long before we started dating. Believe it or not, I'm NOT mad at her. Sure I'm disappointed and a little sad but friendship is a trait I value. She also said it is probably a little early for me to still offer my friendship so who knows, maybe someday we will be friends again, but for now and the foreseeable future I have to act like she doesn't exist.

[flightplan]

...How can someone go from all that we had to NOTHING in a matter of days. It was at that point I slowly started to let go.

 

Since something similar to this happened to me 8 years ago this has led me to the decision that I'm done with everything concerning relationships. I was happy by myself for how many years and that's what I'm going back to. Had this last "relationship" not snuck up on me I'd still be a happy, single person. Slowly but surely I'm working my way back to being happy again. Since the initial "shock" of this happened over a month and a half ago it's not as bad as it could have been.

 

Truer words were never spoken. You have what it takes to recover from this.. you know how to be happy being alone. A lot of people here don't know how to do that. It takes work and self reflection, but it can be done and it's the key to long lasting happiness.

 

My ex dumped me and went about her business like nothing happened. I get it... I also get that relying on someone else to fulfill your self esteem and joy in life is a losing proposition.

 

Listen, relationships are great. It's fun to share life with someone you deeply love and returns that love.... but I've learned they have to be emotionally mature, they don't depend on me to make them happy and they already have a fulfilling life. Barring that, living life single is a wonderful voyage of discovery and every bit as fulfilling. Good luck to you my friend.

[johnson_j]

It sucks when someone you love and deeply care about cannot or will not return that emotion. All I can say is this - do NOT let this experience ruin relationships forever. That would be a tragedy. Just walk away with your head held high, knowing you gave it all you had. You're not a shrink, nor should you try to be one. Just enjoy life and be with those who can always reciprocate. I've learned this the hard way too.

[Firestarter1069]

It sucks when someone you love and deeply care about cannot or will not return that emotion. All I can say is this - do NOT let this experience ruin relationships forever. That would be a tragedy. Just walk away with your head held high, knowing you gave it all you had. You're not a shrink, nor should you try to be one. Just enjoy life and be with those who can always reciprocate. I've learned this the hard way too.

 

That was the hardest part about this break up. I didn't have to try to give anything I had. We complimented each other so well that it was so easy. I was myself from day 1. I didn't have to go through the stages of transformation to see what this woman would like. Turned out it was how I was from day 1 that led to our relationship. Oh well that was how I was feeling at the early stages of the break up. I'm getting better slowly but surely.

[Kevin_D]

I

I just don't think she understands the value I put on our friendship. Her saying she doesn't deserve my friendship baffles me.

 

Again, if she's bipolar, don't believe anything she says. She probably doesn't care about you at all - at the moment. If she's (hypo)manic and set her eyes on something new and shiny (probably another guy, but it could be other things as well), you're a used kleenex in her eyes.

 

My ex told that she cried all the time and really wanted to work things out. She swore that there wasn't anyone else in the picture and laughed at me for even suggesting it. A couple of weeks later, my friends told me that she wrote on Facebook how she was madly in love and became friend with the new dude's family.

 

He basically hi-jacked her from me. After 6.5 years. I was replaced. My family was instantly replaced his family. It's like the aliens in Independence day, who sucks the life out of a planet and then moves to another one. And she didn't even bother to hide it, even though that it would be pretty obvious how much she had lied to me.

 

I read somewhere that these people see other people like "healthy" people see mobile phones:

 

Let's say you bought a new mobile phone 3 years ago. You really loved it when you got it and it still suits most of your need. One day you discover that there are some scratches on the screen. No problem, because it's still a good phone.

 

But one day, you see a commerical for a brand new phone. It has a better camera, cool new features and no scratches on the screen. It might be wise to save your money, but going to the store to have a look can't hurt, right? So you go there and see the brand new packages. You remember how much fun it was in the beginning when you got your last phone. You hesitate for a while. It costs a lot of money, but what if the new phone sells out tomorrow? And the scratches indicate that the old phone will break eventually.

 

You make the decision. You take a deep breath, close your eyes and pull out your credit card. You buy it. And suddenly, you feel relieved. The decision has been made: You have a brand new phone with tons of cool features! You can't wait until you get home so you can try it out. The old phone? Who cares! Your grandma can have it. Surely it served a good purpose for many years, it was damaged. The past is the past.

 

***

 

Once you start to look at the relationship this way, things will start to make more sense.

[jackinthebox1]

Personally i feel that terms like Bi Polar disorder and banded around so freely that it's damaging for people who do have mental disorders. If she had an actual mental disorder then it would be a completely different situation.

 

I wouldnt want you to blame her behaviour on that. It natural to want to find something to blame for it, i did the same. But it's dangerous because it will halt your healing process.

Ultimately if someone wants to be with someone, they will.

[SoThatHappened]

In my 34 years on this earth, 18 of them dating, I never came across someone with a "disorder" until I got on this site.

 

Not saying they don't exist. I honestly, 100% believe my latest ex has what the psychological community defines as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

 

I truly believe there are certain things "wrong" with many, many people. There are things people do, mainly our former significant others, that to us, defy logic.

 

However, I think that we do the same things (as "normal" human beings) to those we've dumped before. I bet those we have dumped have said, "he/she is crazy/BPD/bi-polar/narcissistic/etc."

 

Point is: people meet, break up, things don't work out. I think the dumper usually rationalizes things in their own mind and makes a decision that it's not what they want. The poor person on the receiving end of the breakup wants a reason other than "I can't be the reason. There has to be something wrong with them."

 

Totally logical thinking on the person getting hurt. Not logical in a logical sense... for lack of a better phrase.

 

Again, I know and truly believe that there are chemically-imbalanced/messed-up people out there. I also believe that drugs today have the worst impact on peoples' behavior. I've seen the most physically/emotionally/mentally strong people give in to anxiety and depression drugs, and have seen their lives crumble.

 

Diagnoses and disorders are given out like candy on Halloween... by those who have been dumped. Again, I believe they exist, but I think a lot of it comes from how they're raised, what they believe, and how different people deal with different situations.

 

Best thing to do after anything like this is to find yourself, figure out yourself, and do positive things in your life. It's OK to try to point blame by diagnosing people... at first. After NC and improving yourself, you won't care if there's anything wrong with them at all.

Edited November 19, 2014 by SoThatHappened

[Firestarter1069]

It's been over 2 weeks of NC and I was doing great, but for some reason today I'm having a difficult time. I keep having thoughts about her and it's really dragging me down. In the past hour I'm noticing my hands are shaking and anxiety seems to be hitting me.

 

I'm sure I will be fine but any ideas on how to stop this from happening in the future or even now. The thing that stinks is I'm at work and just can't up and leave, had I been at home with this feeling I'd be out and about somewhere the minute I started feeling this way.

[SoThatHappened]

I've been where you are now. It's crazy how the mind can cause so much pain and anxiety that your body physically manifests things like chest pain and shaky hands.

 

While at work, just do anything you can to get through it. These forums are a great help.

 

When you're not at work, workout. Kick your own @ss in the gym, drywall your garage, whatever you can to physically wear yourself out.

[jphcbpa]

Sadly there is nothing you can do. She needs years of therapy to get over whatever happened in her childhood that has nothing to do with you. Some call it love avoidance. A good book to read is "He's Scared, She's Scared" It will help you understand her more deeply AND most important help you take a look at your own part and ask why you would attract such a partner.

 

Again, past behavior is indicative of future behavior. Her telling you flat out that she pushes people away was your red flag that you ignored.

 

Best to go Strict (as best you can) NC with her.

 

The pain of being without you has to be greater than the pain of working through this with someone they truly care about. This is NOT on you. This is her stuff.

[Itspointless]

That was the hardest part about this break up. I didn't have to try to give anything I had. We complimented each other so well that it was so easy. I was myself from day 1. I didn't have to go through the stages of transformation to see what this woman would like. Turned out it was how I was from day 1 that led to our relationship. Oh well that was how I was feeling at the early stages of the break up. I'm getting better slowly but surely.

Hey Firestarter, I second jphcbpa on this. You know I have been alone as long as you and had something similar happen to me last year. The one before her had strong traits of bpd. She cured me for quite a while from searching for someone special. The funny thing is that experience had me looking for independent woman. Well that turned out to be a cruel joke too. Follow jphcbpa his advice, it is no coincidence that those woman make our heads go wild. Do not give up on relations though.

[Kevin_D]

In my 34 years on this earth, 18 of them dating, I never came across someone with a "disorder" until I got on this site.

 

Consider yourself lucky then. I suggest that you watch some footage of mania on YouTube. I've seen people experience this and it's the scary to say the least. They get this really evil, weird look their eyes, and can usually be seen even in photographs. Other people notice it as well. They spend all their money, they redecorate the living room at 4 am, they replace their partner and their friends and they lie about everything. When they "wake up", they usually don't remember very much and when people tell them how they behaved, they often become suicidal.

 

Bipolar Disorder Type I is a DEADLY disorder. Women with bipolar disorder lose, on average, 9 years in life expectancy.

 

I've been dumped before. I didn't join LS then, because I kind of understood what happened. Stories about bipolar dumpers are much more likely to end up here. Since they are so go good at mirroring and playing the victim, the dumpees come here for advice on how to get his or her soulmate back. Bipolar partners will shower you with unconditional love for YEARS, the kind of love that you've only felt from your parents, and then one day explain how much they hate you with a smile on the face.

[Ducktape]

Consider yourself lucky then. I suggest that you watch some footage of mania on YouTube. I've seen people experience this and it's the scary to say the least. They get this really evil, weird look their eyes, and can usually be seen even in photographs. Other people notice it as well. They spend all their money, they redecorate the living room at 4 am, they replace their partner and their friends and they lie about everything. When they "wake up", they usually don't remember very much and when people tell them how they behaved, they often become suicidal.

 

Bipolar Disorder Type I is a DEADLY disorder. Women with bipolar disorder lose, on average, 9 years in life expectancy.

 

I've been dumped before. I didn't join LS then, because I kind of understood what happened. Stories about bipolar dumpers are much more likely to end up here. Since they are so go good at mirroring and playing the victim, the dumpees come here for advice on how to get his or her soulmate back. Bipolar partners will shower you with unconditional love for YEARS, the kind of love that you've only felt from your parents, and then one day explain how much they hate you with a smile on the face.

The problem is, people are quick to diagnose BPD to their girlfriend or boyfriend. They think because at some point, they loved them, and now, they don't love them anymore and give them the cold shoulder, it means they are BPD.

[Firestarter1069]

The problem is, people are quick to diagnose BPD to their girlfriend or boyfriend. They think because at some point, they loved them, and now, they don't love them anymore and give them the cold shoulder, it means they are BPD.

 

 

I'm not sure why people keep saying I'm diagnosing her with BPD? It's a known fact. I didn't come here to just say, "She left me because she must be bipolar". I simply responded to a post that asked about past relationships and if she ever mentioned why she pushes people away. To which I responded I know she is bipolar. I was just saying that was part of the whole scenario.

 

Sorry if I sounded harsh there but I've spent A LOT of time researching BPD and I am in NO way qualified to make that diagnosis on my own.

[tryingtodealwithit]

Consider yourself lucky then. I suggest that you watch some footage of mania on YouTube. I've seen people experience this and it's the scary to say the least. They get this really evil, weird look their eyes, and can usually be seen even in photographs. Other people notice it as well. They spend all their money, they redecorate the living room at 4 am, they replace their partner and their friends and they lie about everything. When they "wake up", they usually don't remember very much and when people tell them how they behaved, they often become suicidal.

 

Bipolar Disorder Type I is a DEADLY disorder. Women with bipolar disorder lose, on average, 9 years in life expectancy.

 

I've been dumped before. I didn't join LS then, because I kind of understood what happened. Stories about bipolar dumpers are much more likely to end up here. Since they are so go good at mirroring and playing the victim, the dumpees come here for advice on how to get his or her soulmate back. Bipolar partners will shower you with unconditional love for YEARS, the kind of love that you've only felt from your parents, and then one day explain how much they hate you with a smile on the face.

 

you know, this is very interesting to me. my ex was diagnosed as bi-polar during our relationship. i honestly didn't believe it as we had been together over a year at that point and i hadn't seen any behavior that made me think it to be true. i figured it was just a half-assed psychiatrist handing out prescriptions and looking for business via therapy. so, she did some counseling for a while and was prescribed meds which she took on and off.

 

anyway, she left me after 4 and a half years and the break up was brutal on me. she was so cold--even proud that i was hurt. and it was like she was a totally different person as soon as she left. i was confused, hurt, upset... and to make it even worse she completely played the victim. it was all my fault. she rewrote our history in her mind in a way that absolved her of all wrongdoing (lying, cheating, etc...). it's been 6 months and i'm only now getting over it, but not without doing some serious damage to myself first.

 

over the last 6 months i've gone over our entire relationship and it had already dawned on me how good she was at "mirroring." how strong our connection was from the very first date. and i literally felt abandoned (as if a parent had left me, even though i took care of her far more than she took care of me) when she left. maybe she really was bi-polar and, if so, what you have said above is so true in my experience.

[Ducktape]

I'm not sure why people keep saying I'm diagnosing her with BPD? It's a known fact. I didn't come here to just say, "She left me because she must be bipolar". I simply responded to a post that asked about past relationships and if she ever mentioned why she pushes people away. To which I responded I know she is bipolar. I was just saying that was part of the whole scenario.

 

Sorry if I sounded harsh there but I've spent A LOT of time researching BPD and I am in NO way qualified to make that diagnosis on my own.

No worries, I wasn't pointing fingers at you, was just replying at a comment and making an observation from the abondance of BPD diagnosis on these forums