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After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)


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Ok I'm trying to make sense of this I've been with my partner 6 years we were planning the wedding for next year (her pushing it forward) and about to buy our house when she sits me down three days before my birthday to tell me her "feelings have changed" and she needs to go to her sisters to work things out ..... I leave angry and hurt for my brothers I come back,on my birthday and she says sorry she can't be here packs a bag and leaves for her sisters before I come home ... On Friday I tell her it's over and by Sunday we talk for the first time in a week on the phone and she tells me she doesn't love me anymore and haven't done for a year or two I take it well and tell her I understand ... Ok fine but why tell me only months before how I am "the one" drag me round wedding venues etc .etc

 

Fast forward another week and we talk again on the phone and she tells me she should have left me years ago blames me for everything , tells me she feels a lot of resentment over money she earns more than me and that her gut is telling us we are not meant to be together and not to screw anyone in our bed wtf This coming from a woman who for the last 6 years has said "how she always thought we are meant to be" and even after 6 years she Isn't interested in other men I'm wonderful amazing , sexy etc ...

 

 

Now she is telling me she wants "more" from life , we bicker all the time (yes due to her high maintenance ) constant winging, nagging and moaning about everything from me the dog, our neighbours , friends everything and anything her mood swings ... He constant demands for attention and affection and to unburden on me all the time . He endless neurotic behaviours.

 

 

I've only done everything to make her happy the

Last few years , got a new job , listened and been there for her every single day with her moans and problems stayed loyal even when she went off sex years ago . Moved into the spare room because my snoring keeps her up etc . Etc and just been her rock in life . To having her say "I exhaust her" and she has lost respect for me ?... She has literally destroyed my life , I have to find a new job, I had to re home our dog I had from a pup and find someone to move in to help with the bills . She earns £100k basic before bonus and she is arguing with me over £40 for joint bills ... The whole time she has only bothered to say how hard this is "for her" I even said she could live here till she finds a flat so she doesn't have to stay at her sisters . And the best show of affection and concept I got was a drunken "I miss you txt" two weeks ago ... Since then I have been practising NC and only texting when it concerns ****ting down joint accounts , her picking up her stuff etc. it's like she is someone else a cold , cruel unfeeling witch who only cares about herself and I'm some piece of **** she is angry with for being with her . Wtf !!!

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It sounds like it's impossible to make sense of this because she's all over the place emotionally - saying she hasn't loved you for years but at the same time recently pushing ahead with the marriage. I think you're right to stay NC, at least for a while, because it sounds like any attempt to communicate right now will end in recrimination. But the thing is, do you want to try and work something out, or not? If you do, then you could try talking to her and listening and seeing if there is something you could sort out - maybe by going to a relationship counsellor together. There might be something quite specific at the root of all this. Just my thoughts.

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Two weeks ago I asked to meet her for a drink to talk she said no point .. She is never coming back and since then has only escalated the breakup shut joint accounts got most of her stuff taken herself off the tenancy .

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How old are you guys?

 

I'm guessing late 20s? Sounds about the right age when people completely change who they are, what they want, and what they believe they want in life...

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Two weeks ago I asked to meet her for a drink to talk she said no point .. She is never coming back and since then has only escalated the breakup shut joint accounts got most of her stuff taken herself off the tenancy .

 

That's pretty extreme. I'd definitely stay NC for now and try to deal with your own feelings. You've had a massive shock. Focus on trying to look after yourself and maybe talk to someone yourself - well worth going to a counsellor to deal with your own feelings if nothing else. Further down the line you can see whether you want to try talking to her again. I wouldn't put yourself in that position right now. Look after you.

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How old are you guys?

 

I'm guessing late 20s? Sounds about the right age when people completely change who they are, what they want, and what they believe they want in life...

 

I'm 37 she is 29 spent last 10 years studying and working and not having enough fun I'm the opposite

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She has also made new gf's got a new job she enjoys and has always swung between excessive adoration of me and us (we are meant to be) and anxious worry (do we make each other happy) The fact she is going to be 30 next year has been worrying her and she told me after the break she needs to "find herself" as she has been in relationships for over 10 years in fact she coldly waited to leave her last bf only after she had finished her degree and then pursued me relentlessly knowing he was an acquaintance of mine and I was already with someone (though we had long ago lost the spark and romance as well as sex life)

 

I feel used to be honest this would not have happened 12 months ago when she was lonely and depressed, as she said I don't need you as a friend I now have "friends"

 

I'm not angry with her for falling out of love I'm angry she has broken my trust how she can be so cold and self absorbed after the breakup and annoyed she has spent the last year telling me how much she "loves" me . We were at a wedding a few months back and she told me how she felt like crying imagining us in the bride & grooms place ...

 

She has gone from I want us to still be friends and I will help out with the bills till you get sorted to ... I'm prepared to never see you again and I'm only "helping" out for 2 months as I think that's fair and grumbling about all the stuff she bought for our home like the washing machine that she will be leaving . As if some furniture and white goods can make up for all this .

 

I've noticed over the years how spoilt and childish she is always blaming others or circumstances for her own unhappiness and expecting others to make her happy . Everyone who knows her described her to me after the break up as demanding and difficult as well as hard work and super sensitive I guess I just always thought I could make her happy if I did this or that and her feelings for me and us were deep and constant .. I guessed wrong

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She has also made new gf's got a new job she enjoys and has always swung between excessive adoration of me and us (we are meant to be) and anxious worry (do we make each other happy) The fact she is going to be 30 next year has been worrying her and she told me after the break she needs to "find herself" as she has been in relationships for over 10 years in fact she coldly waited to leave her last bf only after she had finished her degree and then pursued me relentlessly knowing he was an acquaintance of mine and I was already with someone (though we had long ago lost the spark and romance as well as sex life)

 

I feel used to be honest this would not have happened 12 months ago when she was lonely and depressed, as she said I don't need you as a friend I now have "friends"

 

I'm not angry with her for falling out of love I'm angry she has broken my trust how she can be so cold and self absorbed after the breakup and annoyed she has spent the last year telling me how much she "loves" me . We were at a wedding a few months back and she told me how she felt like crying imagining us in the bride & grooms place ...

 

She has gone from I want us to still be friends and I will help out with the bills till you get sorted to ... I'm prepared to never see you again and I'm only "helping" out for 2 months as I think that's fair and grumbling about all the stuff she bought for our home like the washing machine that she will be leaving . As if some furniture and white goods can make up for all this .

 

I've noticed over the years how spoilt and childish she is always blaming others or circumstances for her own unhappiness and expecting others to make her happy . Everyone who knows her described her to me after the break up as demanding and difficult as well as hard work and super sensitive I guess I just always thought I could make her happy if I did this or that and her feelings for me and us were deep and constant .. I guessed wrong

 

 

Maybe count yourself sort of lucky to get out before there are kids around. 6 years is a long time to get over. Best bet is to cut your losses and walk away and keep NC. Its hard im day 16 and at points i have to be like no im not contacting him he wanted out this is what he gets! Ccry it out party it out just try keep NC it gets easier :)

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Lemonsugar is right. NC does get easier and it will give you time to sort out your own feelings, and get some perspective, which it sounds like you're already doing a bit. Sounds like it might be best you didn't get a chance to go ahead with this wedding ... what if she left, or had all these mixed feelings after you'd got married? If it had to happen, better now than then. But it's going to hurt, no doubt about it, and you've a right to feel really angry. Just try and be around people that appreciate you and be good to yourself. Whatever it takes!

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Buddy, you are asking all the wrong questions. In fact, you don't need to ask questions. You should be counting your blessings. It sounds like you dodged one hell of a bullet.

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whatcanitellyou

Since your entire post is about everything she did wrong while you did nothing wrong why would you want marry her anyway?

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Because she was young , beautiful , successful , and loved me intensely we shared so many good times , had so many plans , every where I go now just reminds me of her and us kicks like a mule she is off enjoying life and I'm left here grieving in an empty flat no her no dog all those dreams , plans shattered . Have to start again make new friends , do things on my own , meet someone again and go through all that I'm 37 I wanted to be married and sharing life with someone special not starting again from scratch .

 

She has always be an anxious person always questioning everything in her life constantly work, friends, family , me etc .etc

 

She said everything is going well and she was waiting for something bad to happen well it did she ****ted all over us . She never allows herself to be happy because she is worried it will all go wrong .

 

She would never look at the positives about me or us she even came out with ridiculous statements like I don't like opera and classical music when it was me who introduced her to them .

 

 

 

One minute it was your the most amazing man I've ever met I'd never leave you next it's we are not right for each other I've "outgrown you" and should have left you years ago as I haven't been in love with you for years and I'm exhausted from us and you and I need to "find myself" .

 

She wants a fantasy someone who is always happy, successful , supportive , never needing anything back has lots of friends and social engagements because she has so few and nothing really deep in the way of friendships ...

 

Someone who earns nearly as much as her , good looking sex, intelligent , well travelled blah blah blah I am all those things apart from the social thing because over the last few years I think I had become too comfortable and a little depressed from giving all the time and never getting always making excuses for her lack of sex drive, her moods, listening to hours each day to her problems after a long day at work , cooking ,cleaning picking her up while dealing with my disabled father (he lives away from me ) her moaning and shouting at the dog ... I guess I got in a comfortable rut.

 

The most resentment I got was about money I'm not particularly career minded I don't earn a lot and I admit I'm a little lazy , though I was planning a promotion and excited at going far she knew that ... So she felt she always had to pay more,towards,things like,holidays but I never ask her to or expected it .. She told me she was annoyed at how much I used to spend on her birthdays, Gucci watches, real pearls, expensive trips to ballet meals,out , clothes etc because she didn't want to feel she had to spend the same on me .

 

She told me she feels,like she has to drag me everywhere come up with the ideas and she has lost respect for me .

 

That I'm "negative" and anxious . All these things can be true sometimes but they are not who I am or define me .

 

She is projecting onto me who she is I'm wondering seriously if she has a personality disorder like BPD? He dad never liked me for her because I'm not a stockbroker or investment banker even though he has a cheek as he doesn't even work .

 

This is so much easier for her than me she has gone to live with her sis till she gets a new place so no memories around her of us and she has her mum nearby (so lots of emotional support) ... She has a new job and new friends a highly paid job ... And I'm left in a house full of "us" my family miles away my friends busy with there lives .. Not enough money to pay all the bills . My dog re homed my birthday ruined .. My heart broken .

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Because she was young , beautiful , successful , and loved me intensely we shared so many good times , had so many plans , every where I go now just reminds me of her and us kicks like a mule she is off enjoying life and I'm left here grieving in an empty flat no her no dog all those dreams , plans shattered . Have to start again make new friends , do things on my own , meet someone again and go through all that I'm 37 I wanted to be married and sharing life with someone special not starting again from scratch .

 

She has always be an anxious person always questioning everything in her life constantly work, friends, family , me etc .etc

 

She said everything is going well and she was waiting for something bad to happen well it did she ****ted all over us . She never allows herself to be happy because she is worried it will all go wrong .

 

She would never look at the positives about me or us she even came out with ridiculous statements like I don't like opera and classical music when it was me who introduced her to them .

 

 

 

One minute it was your the most amazing man I've ever met I'd never leave you next it's we are not right for each other I've "outgrown you" and should have left you years ago as I haven't been in love with you for years and I'm exhausted from us and you and I need to "find myself" .

 

She wants a fantasy someone who is always happy, successful , supportive , never needing anything back has lots of friends and social engagements because she has so few and nothing really deep in the way of friendships ...

 

Someone who earns nearly as much as her , good looking sex, intelligent , well travelled blah blah blah I am all those things apart from the social thing because over the last few years I think I had become too comfortable and a little depressed from giving all the time and never getting always making excuses for her lack of sex drive, her moods, listening to hours each day to her problems after a long day at work , cooking ,cleaning picking her up while dealing with my disabled father (he lives away from me ) her moaning and shouting at the dog ... I guess I got in a comfortable rut.

 

The most resentment I got was about money I'm not particularly career minded I don't earn a lot and I admit I'm a little lazy , though I was planning a promotion and excited at going far she knew that ... So she felt she always had to pay more,towards,things like,holidays but I never ask her to or expected it .. She told me she was annoyed at how much I used to spend on her birthdays, Gucci watches, real pearls, expensive trips to ballet meals,out , clothes etc because she didn't want to feel she had to spend the same on me .

 

She told me she feels,like she has to drag me everywhere come up with the ideas and she has lost respect for me .

 

That I'm "negative" and anxious . All these things can be true sometimes but they are not who I am or define me .

 

She is projecting onto me who she is I'm wondering seriously if she has a personality disorder like BPD? He dad never liked me for her because I'm not a stockbroker or investment banker even though he has a cheek as he doesn't even work .

 

This is so much easier for her than me she has gone to live with her sis till she gets a new place so no memories around her of us and she has her mum nearby (so lots of emotional support) ... She has a new job and new friends a highly paid job ... And I'm left in a house full of "us" my family miles away my friends busy with there lives .. Not enough money to pay all the bills . My dog re homed my birthday ruined .. My heart broken .

 

She could well be projecting her own stuff onto you, people do that as a means of defense sometimes, and she might well have issues, but the real thing from your point of view is dealing with the hurt and what's happened ... being able to recover and move on eventually. It's incredibly painful going through something like this and all you can do right now is try to find ways of looking after yourself. When you can, go and stay with friends who really know and value you to get you away from the house and memories a bit and feel appreciated/liked. Do things even if you don't feel like it - just simple stuff like meeting people for lunch/a drink. Talk to the people you can talk to and/or go to a counsellor, even for a few sessions, if you can afford it. Just get a day-to-day coping strategy in place for the next few weeks anyway. Exercise is good too - when you feel up to it. None of it changes the big picture but it helps you to cope in the immediate term. As to starting again and just wanting to be in a 'different place' in your life right now, well, that's really tough but right now you probably need time out to come to terms with what's happened. Later you can think about all that and you'll probably see things differently too with time and rebuilding/starting again won't seem so bleak.

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She sounds like a complete catastrophe (could indeed be BPD; I suspect cheating though). Good you're rid of her; not so good that you're stuck in the middle of the crap that she pulled off.

 

How quickly could you sell the house etc? Get your private life sorted out again first.

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SycamoreCircle

Some of this stuff sounds awfully familiar. Have to say it: is it possible there's another guy in the picture?

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you said yourself you're lazy, make less, aren't motivated, etc. and you've got several years on her. so... yeah, i can see why she might leave you. there might be someone else, or it might be the realization that despite (maybe) treating her right you weren't pulling your weight as the man. some women find it hard to respect a guy who makes less and isn't ambitious and since she is... she wants to move on and the wedding planning might have forced her to realize a mistake she'd be making. be thankful it was done now and not after the wedding. she did you a favor.

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New moon just because I don't want to be the head of a Fortune 500 company does not mean I have little,or no worth to someone who is carer minded .. I had plenty of other traits she liked and what she met me for .

 

Anyway it was me pushing over the last year or two to make a property portfolio retire early , get promoted etc. help her get promotions at work deal with her office politics I'm not sitting around like a bum sponging off her .

 

 

I really don't think there is another guy in the picture , she is not one for going out a lot before this so unless he is someone new at work I doubt it .

 

She told me she wants to be single for at least a year and find herself and I will probably be with a girl before she is ready . In fact last time I spoke to her she seemed annoyed guys don't hit on her at bars .

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GirlStillStrong
Because she was young , beautiful , successful , and loved me intensely we shared so many good times , had so many plans , every where I go now just reminds me of her and us kicks like a mule she is off enjoying life and I'm left here grieving in an empty flat no her no dog all those dreams , plans shattered . Have to start again make new friends , do things on my own , meet someone again and go through all that I'm 37 I wanted to be married and sharing life with someone special not starting again from scratch .

 

She has always be an anxious person always questioning everything in her life constantly work, friends, family , me etc .etc

 

She said everything is going well and she was waiting for something bad to happen well it did she ****ted all over us . She never allows herself to be happy because she is worried it will all go wrong .

 

She would never look at the positives about me or us she even came out with ridiculous statements like I don't like opera and classical music when it was me who introduced her to them .

 

 

 

One minute it was your the most amazing man I've ever met I'd never leave you next it's we are not right for each other I've "outgrown you" and should have left you years ago as I haven't been in love with you for years and I'm exhausted from us and you and I need to "find myself" .

 

She wants a fantasy someone who is always happy, successful , supportive , never needing anything back has lots of friends and social engagements because she has so few and nothing really deep in the way of friendships ...

 

Someone who earns nearly as much as her , good looking sex, intelligent , well travelled blah blah blah I am all those things apart from the social thing because over the last few years I think I had become too comfortable and a little depressed from giving all the time and never getting always making excuses for her lack of sex drive, her moods, listening to hours each day to her problems after a long day at work , cooking ,cleaning picking her up while dealing with my disabled father (he lives away from me ) her moaning and shouting at the dog ... I guess I got in a comfortable rut.

 

The most resentment I got was about money I'm not particularly career minded I don't earn a lot and I admit I'm a little lazy , though I was planning a promotion and excited at going far she knew that ... So she felt she always had to pay more,towards,things like,holidays but I never ask her to or expected it .. She told me she was annoyed at how much I used to spend on her birthdays, Gucci watches, real pearls, expensive trips to ballet meals,out , clothes etc because she didn't want to feel she had to spend the same on me .

 

She told me she feels,like she has to drag me everywhere come up with the ideas and she has lost respect for me .

 

That I'm "negative" and anxious . All these things can be true sometimes but they are not who I am or define me .

 

She is projecting onto me who she is I'm wondering seriously if she has a personality disorder like BPD? He dad never liked me for her because I'm not a stockbroker or investment banker even though he has a cheek as he doesn't even work .

 

This is so much easier for her than me she has gone to live with her sis till she gets a new place so no memories around her of us and she has her mum nearby (so lots of emotional support) ... She has a new job and new friends a highly paid job ... And I'm left in a house full of "us" my family miles away my friends busy with there lives .. Not enough money to pay all the bills . My dog re homed my birthday ruined .. My heart broken .

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the break-up and all the rotten things she has said and I'm sorry about the dog and about your birthday. I really am.

 

You are down in the dumps and need to get out of them. Only you can do it, though. Get yourself out and about and if you're unable for too long see a doctor to make sure you don't have clinical depression.

 

Yes, she does sound like whe has BPD. She is all over the place. Sounds like she will never be happy. You know what that say about women, you can only get 2 out of 3: Good-looking, intelligent/smart, and not crazy :) So, you have to compromise somewhere. She was good-looking and smart but off her rocker.

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whatcanitellyou

So the fact that she's young, beautiful, and successful is enough of a reason to put up with the longs list of negatives you listed about her? Seems to me that either she's not that great of a partner and you're better off or she's right and you are extremely negative. Which do you think it is?

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Thanks for the kind words guys :)

 

 

It's funny my brother who is the calmest most easy going guy, told me after the breakup he could never stand her. my mother who never said a bad word about her said when she witnessed her behaviour towards me on a family holiday she knew this girl was not for me ... My bro told me it's not because she hurt or dumped you that I don't like her but because of her personality and he honestly thinks she is nuts , critical, low mood, negative, paranoid and our relationship dysfunctional ...

 

When my bro and his wife came to stay with us after they had moved she hid the phone because there were calls on it she thought they had made (they didn't) she put damp washing in their room even though she knew my bro had a chest infection .

 

She would ignore them in the morning and walk off with the huff for no reason when we were a all sitting together . And just before we broke up she accused me of sealing some cigarettes she bought wtf she just couldn't find them ..

 

Her paranoid, suspicious behaviour probably stems from her alcoholic / x - drug addict paranoid / selfish / depressed father my point is mental illness seems to run in the family .

 

Despite all this like a chump I miss her ffs.

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So the fact that she's young, beautiful, and successful is enough of a reason to put up with the longs list of negatives you listed about her? Seems to me that either she's not that great of a partner and you're better off or she's right and you are extremely negative. Which do you think it is?

 

That's what everyone says about her I'm trying to be as objective and impartial as possible , I guess I really need to evaluate my own co -dependency and lack of self confidence .

 

She hardly ever smiled or laughed and I don't think she ever once in 6 years made me laugh .

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GirlStillStrong

Never made you laugh? Especially with that big an age difference? There's a problem!! That is NOT the right girl for you!

 

You gotta trust your mom's instincts. Moms can see things other people cannot see. This girl sound like bad news, more trouble than she's worth! There is someone out there who is a way better match for you, just waiting for you to find her!

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Yeah I mean we laughed together but I was the joker the clown the silly one . She would sometimes be playful and call me silly names but she never made me laugh not once that I can think . Even my best friend said he hardly ever saw her smile she is for the most part and I remember this the first time I met her at 23 years old serious and analytical / anxious she is a lawyer and works in high finance as a senior ex of one of the worlds biggest banks so this shows the type of person I mean she is not a good time caring nurse type or fun arty type .

 

She always wanted to be more fun , more interesting and have more friends . I guess she feels she can do this better without me around (sigh)

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Does not sound affectionate. People need affection. It's not good to marry someone who is not affectionate with you.

 

 

 

That's the thing she was always wanting cuddles , telling me how much she loved me needing reassurance telling me if I died she would kill herself ( I mentioned this after we broke up she laughed and said she was just being dramatic )

 

 

A few months back we were fighting nothing serious she started crying and she tried to cut her wrists open and take a o/d she scared the **** out of me ... I kept holding her and taking the knives away and begging with her to stop being crazy ... I never mentioned this again I wish I had to her .

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