Why would my EX be angry/sad/violent when dumping me?

[EmbeddedCortex]

Hello All,

 

So if you want some background on my situation, you can take a look at my thread history. The latest post being here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/488533-she-wants-get-back-together-after-rebound/post-5987569.html#post5987569

 

For the past 2.5 years, I've had a serious rollercoaster ride with my girlfriend. Basically, she's always fluctuated from wanting to be with me forever, to wanting to get rid of me. For the past 1 year or so this has resulted in her constantly breaking up with me. Granted, I do take some blame, because I feel like I haven't fullfilled all her needs, since I've not been independent enough due to graduate school, but I always felt like I was being punished the most unjustly.

 

Back in May/June was the nastiest of them all. She was very cruel to me and if you want more information you can read my threads, but I was badly hurt and emotionally destroyed.

 

Then she came back after 2 months and after having a casual sexual relationship with someone, and I took her back.

 

Now, about 10 days ago she suddenly broke up with me again, and started behaving similar to how she broke up with me during the summer. See above link for details.

 

One thing that I've noticed is that when she has broken up with me these past two times, she has suddenly switched from being very loving to being almost hateful.

 

Basically she gets into this mode where she is filled with anger, and disgusted and annoyed by my mere presence. As I try to talk to her and reason with her, it only gets worse, and it seems like I push her away as she gets angrier and more annoyed. She even pushed me and threatened to call the cops! Then she starts crying, then she says she feels nothing as I hug her and kiss her, and in fact hates it, and tells me to leave her alone and that we are done.

 

It's really hard for me to process this behavior, because just a few days before she was all loving and all over me, then she switches into a mode where she is repulsed by me and my mere presence.

 

I've NEVER cheated on her or abused or anything like that! In fact, she's basically my first and I've always been super committed and faithful. But basically she acts like I've cheated on her! That's how she treats me during these past breakups! How can I even deserve such behavior, if I am merely "inadequate"? I've never done anything bad to her.

 

Has anyone else had these types of breakups characterized by such extreme emotion on the part of the dumper?

Edited November 14, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Kevin_D]

A couple of weeks before my ex broke up after 6.5 years, she called me SEVEN times when she knew that I was attending a concert and couldn't answer. She was clingy as hell and often talked about how "Losing me was her biggest nightmare".

 

Well, anyway, two weeks later I was the worst mistake of her life and she explained that she was much happier without me.

 

Your ex does sound like a Borderline. Yes, people on LS often come to the hasty conclusion that their exes must suffer from BPD, BD or NPD, but on the other hand, since these breakups usually are quite traumatic, it's not strange that the stories end up here.

 

This video helped me:

 

http://youtu.be/fYH8c1EB88k

[Downtown]

Nice call, Kevin! And the video about leaving a BPDer is good too. I agree with you that Cortex is describing many of the warning signs for BPD. If you are interested, you will find that Cortex started discussing these red flags in July at his http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/486163-first-relationship-very-painful-breakup#post5811084 thread.

[ExpatInItaly]

Nice call, Kevin! And the video about leaving a BPDer is good too. I agree with you that Cortex is describing many of the warning signs for BPD. If you are interested, you will find that Cortex started discussing these red flags in July at his http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/486163-first-relationship-very-painful-breakup#post5811084 thread.

 

I was just about to suggest the same. I dated a man with BPD and all the break-ups were very similar to what you're describing, OP. You absolutely have my sympathy, because I know all too well how emotionally devastating it is. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like more insight. And don't let this woman use you as her emotional punching bag anymore. I know it's very difficult but you need to walk away, for your own sanity.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I was just about to suggest the same. I dated a man with BPD and all the break-ups were very similar to what you're describing, OP. You absolutely have my sympathy, because I know all too well how emotionally devastating it is. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like more insight. And don't let this woman use you as her emotional punching bag anymore. I know it's very difficult but you need to walk away, for your own sanity.

 

It's absolute hell. I met up with her Monday to reason with her. She says she can't help it, it's how she feels, and yeah maybe she does have BPD. I say, well, at least let me help you. I say, maybe you should get back on your depression meds, and she says no she got hives.

 

My god this is so unfair to me.

 

Anyway, she tells me to give her a few days and I do. Today, on Friday, she contacts me, basically dry "Good Morning." "How are you?" texts. And she apologizes for everything she puts me through.

 

I immediately tell her, so it sounds like you didn't contact me to make up with me. Why would you do this? Anyway today has sucked for me. I've been texting her massively! Ringing up her phone and talking to her so much! I even showed up at her work but she wasn't there (making car delivery). I'm pretty sure I'm blocked now.

 

Today has sucked. Exact same behavior on her part and mine like a few months ago. I don't know how to control myself. I'm so emotional. I feel so hurt and destroyed.

 

She says she went to this rave and saw all these couples there and thought "I want to go to these places with someone I love" so she dumped me like that....without even talking to me! Ugh, same thing as before. Never talking to me, only dumping me, and telling me how it's all my fault and she can't help how she feels.

 

I tell her how unfair this all is, how I trusted her, and she leaves me because of how I didn't go to her to a rave?! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

 

This ****ing blows! I wish there was a magic switch to erase her from my mind and make me gain back my self respect!

 

I have this same damn emotional feeling in my head like last time - chase her, tell her you'll fix things, it's only been 2 weeks, etc. And I think why? Why am I so inclined to do all this and go through all this again for someone who treats me and talks to me like trash?! She goes from "wanting my babies" to leaving me because I'm "boring" and I don't "like the same music as her" and I don't "go to raves" ????

 

I almost feel like she used me for 2 months while she was dating someone or others on the side and now she found someone, maybe the guy at the rave on her instagram, and so she dumped me.

 

God I need help.

Edited November 15, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[broken2828]

Somehow this got posted to the wrong thread...

[Downtown]

My god this is so unfair to me.

Unfair to YOU, Cortex? Well, yes, it was unfair during the first six months. Yet, after you've chosen to stay in this toxic relationship for nearly three years, it is clear that the toxicity is not something SHE is doing to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH are doing to each other. It takes two willing partners to create and sustain a toxic relationship for that long.

 

Your enabling behavior -- i.e., your allowing her to behave like a four year old and GET AWAY WITH IT -- is harming her. By continually trying to sooth her and protect her from the logical consequences of her own childish behavior, you are preventing her from having to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. As you said in July, "She was very good at playing the victim card." Well, look whose "playing the victim" NOW.

 

And I think why? Why am I so inclined to do all this and go through all this again for someone who treats me and talks to me like trash?!

Your willingness to remain in a toxic relationship for nearly three years indicates that you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver -- just like me. Our problem is not wanting to help a loved one but, rather, our willingness to keep doing it even when it is to our great detriment to do so -- and even when we are not really helping.

 

As I understand it, we keep repeating that behavior -- as I did for 15 years -- because our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). This is why, when we are out looking for a partner, we keep walking right on past all the healthy, emotionally available women (BORING!) until we find one who desperately needs us. The chances of our finding a BPDer-type woman are very high because BPDers are masters at projecting vulnerability, which is "catnip" to us caregivers. If you want to see how instantly and intensely you are drawn in by vulnerability, all you have to do is watch 20 minutes of any Marilyn Monroe movie.

 

We apparently got to be this way by growing up too fast, becoming "the fixer" and "little man" of the family. The best explanation I've seen of how this likely occurred in our childhoods is Shari Schreiber's blog article at Core Injury. Although I don't like Schreiber's description of BPDers (she confuses them with narcissists and sociopaths), I nonetheless find this blog article to be very insightful in explaining our caregiving nature. I suggest you read it because, once you understand how you're harming your GF -- not helping her -- you will start to free yourself from the terrible guilt that makes it so painful to walk away from her.

 

To a caregiver, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema, even when we can see that our attempts "to fix her" are not working. We mistakenly believe that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can restore our partners to those wonderful people we saw at the very beginning.

[EmbeddedCortex]

What if this is going to be some sort of endless cycle? What if I'm stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship characterized by periods of intense love and affection, followed by periods of hatred, emotional teardown, and abandonment?

 

Basically, what if she comes back again like she did last time and does the exact same thing again?

 

The reason I am so shocked is because she came back and was so apologetic and guilt-ridden saying she would do anything for as long as necessary to fix things.

 

Then as soon as I start acknowledging her good work and begin to trust her again, she does this, and puts the blame on my inadequacy.

 

The first time around, she said "I shouldn't have waited 2 years to leave you, I should have left you at 6 months!". This time she said, "We agreed to 2 months and you didn't improve. Besides, I shouldn't have come back and should have just dealt with my issues alone. I'm sorry, but life is unfair. I can't help how I feel, this is just how I feel, you can't force me to change it."

 

Yesterday I was telling her how unfair this is and how I will fix things she might not like, and she said, well why didn't you act like this "2 weeks ago". My thought and response, "because you only communicate in this fashion."

 

It's absurd to think that she turns this situation on it's head in her favor. She came back, looking for love, affection, and forgiveness and a second chance. I give it to her, only for her to get up and leave because she met some "cool fun people" at a damn rave.

Edited November 15, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Simon Phoenix]

It's only a pattern if you allow it to be a pattern. If you keep taking her back and keep playing this game, you're at fault too. Instead of trying to figure out her motivation, you need to figure out why you continue to put up with this and why you strive to be with a person like this.

[idoltree]

Buddy, what are you doing? Why are you talking to her? You keep returning to her as something that is going to make you feel better and she CAN'T do that. She, and her personality disorder, are the reason that you are this down.

 

You've been on a rollercoaster of emotions for 3 years. This person turns on a dime and casts you aside, you scramble trying to fix things, she takes you back only to turn around and cast you aside again.

 

Listen, we've all said that this behavior of hers is not normal. It is not healthy. It is damaging you. And it is not going to change. I know, I know "But. Just. Just. If I can just get her back..." NO. That fantasy you have of fiiiiiinally fixing things and having her see your worth and love you forever and ever isn't going to happen because SHE is not able to do that. Not with you, not with anyone. She cycles between idealizing and devaluing, and you are so sure that the part of her that idealizes you is the "real" her. It's not. It's part of her personality disorder and she will keep cycling.

 

Get this book and read it.

 

Secondly, understand that you have, at least partially, inflicted this misery upon yourself. You are insecure, you probably had a parent with a personality disorder who couldn't meet your needs as a child who you had to caretake. That set you up to be attracted to women like your ex. Again, she's not a goddess that every guy wants. Many of them can see the crazy, but with you, you are drawn closer by the signals she puts off. She reminds you of that parent or caretaker, and you are trying to win love and acceptance from her because you've made her symbolic of what you lacked as a kid. It's classic and it is why you feel so awful. You're not the first to go through this.

 

Do not get caught in a 'woe is me' cycle now; you can change this about yourself. You will absolutely benefit from therapy.

 

Understand that relationships like yours, with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and the unpredictability actually mess up your brain. The relationship has been a flood of "feel good" hormones alternating with stress hormones. When she turns on you, you flood with stress hormones, desperately looking to her as the only source that can make you feel better. And you get her back, and - oh god - the bliss. Those chemicals then flood your brain. And what has been burned in are these pathways where your every thought is of her, she's your salvation, she's how you feel better. And it is ALL FALSE. You did this. You did it to yourself by sticking with someone with whom you cannot get the closeness and stability which you crave. But instead of seeing her clearly, you've made her into a larger than life goddess. SHE'S NOT. ONLY YOU THINK THAT.

 

She is detrimental to your emotional health. Yeah, maybe get her back another time, be surprised when she turns on a dime and takes away everything you depend on for sh*ts and giggles. Feel lower than you do now. Who could have predicted?

 

She's shown you who she is. If she is BPD or NPD, then this is not going to change. She's not going to be nicer to the next guy. There is no 'happily ever after' with her.

 

Buddy, you are addicted to her, and you need to stay away from her. She is a drug and you need to recover. Cold turkey. Focus on healing yourself, and understanding yourself enough so that you are never attracted to someone like this EVER again.

[idoltree]

What if this is going to be some sort of endless cycle? What if I'm stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship characterized by periods of intense love and affection, followed by periods of hatred, emotional teardown, and abandonment?

 

Basically, what if she comes back again like she did last time and does the exact same thing again?

 

You are and she will. Why don't you understand that? She is likely BPD and this is what they do. You need to grieve your image of her, because it's not reality, and you can't see reality clearly.

 

The reason I am so shocked is because she came back and was so apologetic and guilt-ridden saying she would do anything for as long as necessary to fix things.

 

Then as soon as I start acknowledging her good work and begin to trust her again, she does this, and puts the blame on my inadequacy.

Again, this is her personality disorder. You simply can't believe her if she comes back apologetic because she'll do the same thing again. Unless she gets in intensive counseling - of her OWN volition - nothing is going to change. The stove has burnt your fingers time and time again, yet you keep wanting to touch it as if something will be different this time.

 

And she blames your inadequacy because she can only look externally for reasons why she feels the way she does. And there you are, believing her.

 

Summary:

 

1. It is not you
   
2. It is her
   
3. She will do it again
   
4. You need to stay away and get help so that you do not go through the cycle again
   

[EmbeddedCortex]

You're right on most points, I don't disagree. I agree I have a problem. I have no self-respect for myself.

 

However, I have had very loving parents who always gave me a lot of attention. So I don't think I have any inadequacy in that regard.

 

Regardless, I feel like she basically used me for 2 months to make herself feel better, while looking for someone else. She even told me, in not these exact words "We agreed on 2 months (we didn't, she said as long as it takes me). and I never even tell people I have a boyfriend because you never act like one (what? she would accuse me of dating other people and I said I don't!). I met some cool people (a guy) at the rave and I realized I want to share these experiences with someone I love that is like that."

 

I know I have a problem and I know I have to quit her.

 

However, it amazes me how she talks with daggers with zero emotional remorse. She loves beating me down and basically calling me inadequate and not normal.

 

It's funny, there is no winning with her. For example, if I say "Ok, I will do that stuff now because I'm done with school and got a job finally." She says "God, you're such a push over and conformer. I know you don't like doing that stuff. You're so awkward and boring. We don't even have the same taste in music. I love baseball, you don't, etc. Besides, why didn't you decide to start doing that stuff 2 weeks ago before I broke up with you? Why do I have to break up with you for you to these things? I'm done this time. I should never have come back to you! You're only good at sex, maybe that's why I came back!"

 

My only response to all that is, "WTF, you don't even know me then. You know I actually like doing stuff with you and have been busy with school and such. And I told you from the beginning, once I'm done with school we can do all these things and I can be more independent. Now that I've reached that point, you leave again after 2 months? Also, you always talk about your feelings when you break up, never before. How am I supposed to know?!"

 

When she came back she was saying how much she missed all my "quirks", but now, once again, she uses them to put me down as if I am inadequate and disabled.

 

Until a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have been surprised if she left. And whenever she'd mess up and upset me, she'd apologize and ask me to not leave her. Then as soon as I tell her she doing good and as soon as I feel comfortable with her again, BAM! A knife to the heart!

Edited November 16, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[EmbeddedCortex]

I think another issue I have with this whole situation and why I went back/took her back, was because I have this need to prove to her that I'm not the "dependent, pushover, boring, socially awkward, etc." that she calls me.

 

One of the issues she's had with me from the beginning is that I have never been independent enough to go with her and do with her everything that SHE WANTS. So it's like I have this desire to prove to her that I'm independent and I can do that now.

 

In response to this she says "too late" or that I'm a "conformer" and don't really enjoy doing any of that stuff with her.

 

No matter what I say or do, she spins it around against me, and I'm stuck on this cycle of trying to prove myself, and no matter what I do, I fail.

 

Or she says things that confuse me - For example, when she wanted forgiveness and such, up until around 3 weeks ago, she would say "please don't leave me" or "please forgive me", etc. Now she's been saying things like "What do I have to do to make you hate me and leave me alone?! I hate that you love me!"

Edited November 16, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, in my experience, you can't help her. You can't fix this. The only thing you can do is help yourself and ask why you've been willing to tolerate such behaviour for so long. Because every time you go back, you're tacitly telling her that you have zero boundaries and will accept her no matter how she treats you. It doesn't get better, unforunately

[Onlyafterdark]

OP, in my experience, you can't help her. You can't fix this. The only thing you can do is help yourself and ask why you've been willing to tolerate such behaviour for so long. Because every time you go back, you're tacitly telling her that you have zero boundaries and will accept her no matter how she treats you. It doesn't get better, unforunately

 

After watching that video i now understand what my wife is, the constant kicking me out over what id consider petty things. 14 years with my wife same nite we broke up she brought a man home to our bed, never said sorry nothing it was as though it wasnt wrong to her. Even watched this guy kick my head in and walked off with him, theres more to my story lots more, everytime weve broke up she looks for other men i know ive been a doormat, but its like the video says i was prop brainwashed by hee without knowing it. I tried over and over again cause we had 2 small kids, but yep just like the vid says she doesnt care if im suffering how i am even called the police to say i was harrassing her, which they told me there was no evidence to show it just seems like i didnt know this person at all yet 14 years of my life gone. What id like to know though is how do you treat them back how do you possibily let them feel the smallest of what i dif for all those years, its not revenge but i want her to feel something back or at least realise what shes done any advice please

[LifeNomad]

not saying this is the case but some girls get like that when they get on their rag (not an excuse I know) and some birth control messes up their hormones really bad so they get super moody and change like that.

 

 

not saying that this is the case, but im just saying. Especially as they get more comfortable with you they will show you their nasty side of things when they have that imbalance.

 

 

Obviously with strangers and people they don't know they can hide it.

[EmbeddedCortex]

No, my issue is way past this and more complicated. She is on birth control though.

 

I don't think she knows what she wants. Sometimes she loves me, sometimes she doesn't. She's completely unpredictable. Will she come back again in a few weeks to a few months, or will she/has she found someone new?

 

I really didn't expect her to be so loving and apologetic up until 2 weeks ago, and then suddenly decide because of a damn rave that she sees no future with me and doesn't love me, etc. Just like last time.

 

She always tells me when she breaks up that "she's felt this way for a long time" and why didn't I notice sooner. How can I notice problems she won't communicate?

[Downtown]

I don't think she knows what she wants. Sometimes she loves me, sometimes she doesn't. She's completely unpredictable.

Cortex, the main problem with emotionally unstable people is not that they don't know what they want but, rather, that what they desperately want today likely will completely change in a few weeks. If your GF is a BPDer as you suspected last July, her "reality" is whatever intense feeling she is experiencing this very moment. A BPDer typically is absolutely convinced she wants something today and then, two weeks later, may be just as convinced she never wanted it at all.

 

With my exW, for example, I bought her an expensive piano that she absolutely had to have. She was thrilled with it for two weeks. Then she stopped using it. After three years, I eventually sold it because she had sat down to play it only five times. Of course, she was the same way with jewelry and clothing. She loved it for a week or two and then it never came out of the drawer or closet again. Likewise, she spent $11,000 on sewing machines and bolts of fabric -- because it gave her the "identity" of being "the seamstress." In 15 years, she made only one dress, one vest, and a cat collar.

 

Then suddenly decide because of a damn rave that she sees no future with me and doesn't love me, etc. Just like last time.

BPDers are notorious for "rewriting history" every few weeks. This behavior is largely the result of their black-white thinking, wherein they either adore you or devalue you. While "splitting you white," a BPDer will be planning the wedding and talking about the children you will have. While "splitting you black," however, she will be so completely out of touch with those loving feelings that she may be convinced she never ever really loved you at all.

 

She always tells me when she breaks up that "she's felt this way for a long time" and why didn't I notice sooner. How can I notice problems she won't communicate?

If she is a BPDer, the reason she failed to "communicate" that feeling almost certainly is that she really did not feel that way earlier. As I noted above, a BPDer often will be convinced -- while she's splitting you black -- that those loving feelings for you never really existed. Of course, they really did exist but she now is completely out of touch with them.

 

This behavior is called "splitting" because, due to her inability to tolerate mixed feelings, she is "splitting off" the conflicting feelings -- putting them out of reach of her conscious mind. In this way, an emotionally stunted GF is able to simplify her interpersonal relationships to a level she is comfortable dealing with.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I will agree with you on the "splitting" of black and white.

 

However, the only reason I get confused and sometimes blame myself is because sometimes I think she has valid points.

 

You see, I sort of understood her perspective in July despite the pain, and I took some blame, because during our 2 years together I wasn't independent enough as most 25-27 year olds. I couldn't see her very often or go everywhere with her. In fact, because of some cultural issues, I hesitated early on to introduce her to my parents, then she held that against me and caused fights over everything for 2 years.

 

But I was always honest, dedicated, and committed to her. And never, ever abused her like she did me.

 

This time around though I'm really shocked. Why? Because when she came back I told her what our problems are, and what we must both do to solve them. I committed myself and so did she.

 

Now though she tells me "We agreed on 2 months, time's up". In reality, she had told me multiple times not to leave her and that she would work on things as long as it took because she ****ed up. But now, once again it's all my fault apparently.

 

The most messed up part is that, the more I apologize for things I didn't even do really, the more she blames me and places the blame on me for the relationship not working out, when I have never ever broken up with her, and she has broken up with me numerous times (few days each) and now 2 major breakups (few months or permanent).

 

The more I tell her I will fix things, the more she tells me why I didn't do them sooner and how it's too late. I even tell her, you destroyed me over the summer, how can you turn this on me?

 

I feel like she used me while looking for someone else. It hurts so bad, because I was the one who was hurt badly to begin with, and apparently I'm the one who was more committed to fixing things.

Edited November 18, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[LifeNomad]

No, my issue is way past this and more complicated. She is on birth control though.

 

I don't think she knows what she wants. Sometimes she loves me, sometimes she doesn't. She's completely unpredictable. Will she come back again in a few weeks to a few months, or will she/has she found someone new?

 

I really didn't expect her to be so loving and apologetic up until 2 weeks ago, and then suddenly decide because of a damn rave that she sees no future with me and doesn't love me, etc. Just like last time.

 

She always tells me when she breaks up that "she's felt this way for a long time" and why didn't I notice sooner. How can I notice problems she won't communicate?

 

some birth control, specifically the IUD or Mirena, will totally mess up a girls hormones without her or you even knowing, this in turn will cause her to have rages and severe mood swings. If its the same birth control that she has talk to her about getting it out. There are many many website forums with negative experience on it. Even when my ex went to the ER because she was feeling very nauseous the nurse that attended her suggested she look into getting it removed.

 

 

people have literally split apart and left each other because of it.

 

 

See this link

 

 

Did Anyone Have Mood Swings On Mirena? - Circle of Moms

Edited November 18, 2014 by LifeNomad

[EmbeddedCortex]

My ex broke up with me in May after a 2 year, rocky relationship. She blamed me and the relationship for her unhappiness and constant anger. It was a messy breakup as I tried to beg and plead and reason with her for 4 weeks to not leave, but she did so by jumping into a casual sexual relationship with someone else. This destroyed me completely. I left her alone, but then around 2-3 months later she came back apologzing, saying she realized how much she loved me, and wanted to make things right and make me happy.

 

2 months later, 2 weeks ago, she abruptly got up and left in the same fashion, saying the same things, with a lot of anger, saddness, and then "feeling numb." I begged for those 2 weeks but then realized it's the same thing and simply stopped.

 

One thing to point out is that although I did start some arguments with her when I was unhappy with her actions, most times she would start fights with me. Either way, she would escalate every fight into how unhappy I maker her in general. Later, these fights would end with breakups that would last a few days. This behavior started happening again when we got back together two months ago. Most times I would be the one who would try to make up with her, because I thought the fights were stupid.

 

One thing that always surprised me is when sometimes she would tell me that she likes fighting with me. Or when I would get upset, sad, angry, she would say how she likes me sharing my feelings. When I would get really upset, then she would try to comfort me. That was in the past, recently she likes to just watch me suffer.

 

I did not like fighting ever! Every fight was draining and painful for me with fears of losing her as she would want to breakup. I started developing abandonment fears, and always have walked on eggshells with her. The breakups were very stressful. And these last two have been absolute emotional destruction for me, complete depression.

 

So basically she liked fighting with me when it amused her, but if it actually upset her, it was all my fault.

 

I did not see why every small argument would escalate into a full blown fight and breakup. It's like she always had control. It's like she knows I love her for real, and she either takes advantage of that, or if that gets in her way, she tosses me aside. She knew she could fight with me and say whatever and do whatever and I'd forgive her and never dump her. Maybe it's entertainment?

 

I've never dumped her once, even though she's done it to me 100 times probably, with the last two being the most serious.

 

Anyway, this time around I don't know if she's gone for good or what. I'm pretty shocked how she got up and left randomly after all her promises.

[NopeNah]

"If she's gone for good"?- joking right? Your 2 years will turn to 5,then 7,ect...all with the same repetitive, toxic, nonsense. Trust me! Walk and walk fast!

[EmbeddedCortex]

Oh it looks my new thread about "I like fighting with you" got joined to this one.

[Mondmellonw]

How could you be shocked even after she has done the same like... a million times now?

No offense. I also dealt with someone who was like this.

 

But he was a guy, so it was weirder to see him being like that because as far as I have seen in these forums, it is more "normal" to find women acting like that.

 

 

 

I think you just need to accept that she is unstable and you deserve something more... well, yeah. Stable.

[elaine567]

Basically she gets into this mode where she is filled with anger, and disgusted and annoyed by my mere presence. As I try to talk to her and reason with her, it only gets worse, and it seems like I push her away as she gets angrier and more annoyed. She even pushed me and threatened to call the cops! Then she starts crying, then she says she feels nothing as I hug her and kiss her, and in fact hates it, and tells me to leave her alone and that we are done.

 

I have not read the rest of your threads and the diagnosis of BPD from the other posters may indeed be relevant here, but what first came to mind is the fact that in order for servicemen and women to kill other human beings, they need to desensitise themselves and dehumanise the enemy, the enemy is referred to as animals, and other non-human names are used. The enemy is thus seen as beneath contempt and deserves to die.

 

I was thinking that in your situation, your girlfriend, in order to break up with you, has to reduce you, in her own mind to someone she hates, someone she is repulsed by and someone she feels is inadequate and undeserving of her love.

In that way she can more easily leave because you are a piece of scum essentially.

She needs to "dehumanise" you, otherwise she would succumb and not be able to leave you.

Do not take that as a message of hope, I guess she wants in her heart of hearts to desperately leave, but has to resort to such measures in order to do it.