My No Contact Diary [update]

[metaversus]

is that he not see a future for us. I can work with almost anything else with exception of "I love you but I'm not in love with you". This is just as bad.

I heard both from him last week.

The ironic part is that he's a futurist. I was told by a futurist that he does not see a future with me . . .

And I didn't even need him to commit to a future with me now. We'd only known each other for 3 months! There was so much more to learn and explore. There's an ocean more to me than the glimpse he's seen. I was happy going with the flow and taking things day by day. I only wanted to feel effort from him. I didn't want to be the one doing all the work. I wanted to feel like he wanted me in his life. I wanted to him to be my boyfriend.

 

He was in love with is ex girlfriend (who he was with for 1 1/2 years). He found himself in the same position with her that I was in with him. She wasn't in love with him. Her career is in the same field as his. His career is his life. She is successful, and in many ways, she is what he strives to be. He looked up to her. They traveled together and gave talks together. I believe I am just as intelligent as she is. Perhaps just not as well-read and definitely not as ambitious and driven. I find ambitious, driven men usually want to be with ambitious, driven women.

I know in my heart he didn't give us a proper shot, but life isn't always fair. We would have been good together. We were good together. I inspired him and since he met me he had gotten so much more on track with his life. I feel used. I know there was love there. A lot of it. Why would he just throw me away?

 

On day 5 of nc now. Unrequited love is the worst. He contacted me a few days ago with a text telling me he's thinking about me and asked how I'm doing. I didn't respond and since then nothing. It's likely only sent me the message because he was feeling guilty about hurting me. I know he cares, just not the way I do. It's a pattern in my life. I don't love often, but when I do, I love hard. I don't expect to hear from him again. He's going to let me go because he knows it's the right thing to do. He's gone from my life forever and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

I love this man so much, everything about him. Even his numerous character flaws. I can't stop my mind from ruminating thoughts about him. Crying every day and no one to talk to about it which is why I'm writing here. Can't talk to my friends they don't want to hear about it. Trying to find a therapist but finding a good one is difficult.

 

Been thinking a lot about everything. I think I fall in love with the type of person I wish I could be. Genius, ambitious/driven. I usually fall for a guy who excels in a tech, science or creative field. I'm a jack of many trades but master of none. He wants to be with another master. Intelligence is most sexy to him. I'm intelligent, but not ambitious and driven. I don't measure up to what he wants in his future.

Edited November 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CarrieT]

How old are both of you?

 

It may be a blessing in disguise.

 

Oddly, I was married at 20 and two or three years into my marriage (while still blissfully happy), I said to a mutual friend that for whatever reason, I couldn't see a future with him.

 

By 25 he had come out of the closet and I was getting a divorce.

[metaversus]

How old are both of you?

 

It may be a blessing in disguise.

 

Oddly, I was married at 20 and two or three years into my marriage (while still blissfully happy), I said to a mutual friend that for whatever reason, I couldn't see a future with him.

 

By 25 he had come out of the closet and I was getting a divorce.

 

I'm 35. He is 32. It could be my age has something to do with it. So many men are ageists.

[metaversus]

I've been inspired by the other nc diaries on here, so I've decided to keep one. There is no one in my life I can talk to about this. Much of the time I feel trapped in my own thoughts so it's nice to share them with others.

I'm in day 5 of no contact today.

 

This is my first time implementing no contact. In the past I've always done the exact opposite to the extreme. My ex ex ex boyfriend was my most serious relationship of 1 1/2 years. When he broke it off I completely lost it. Ended up seeing an excellent Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who helped me through it (I recommend this type of therapy). Met another guy about 1/2 year later who ended up doing even more damage. This one nearly killed me. Dated a lot after him but no connections. He always kept tabs on me, even through all my resistance and emotions. He's ended up becoming one of my best friends and the catalyst for many great changes which in my life. He's not a good person to talk to about this kind of stuff though.

 

Upon reflection I am glad things did not work out with my two exes, and I can see how they were not meant to. Maybe I will feel this way with my current ex too in time. I hope so, but right now it just hurts like hell.

The difference between the ending of this relationship and my previous two, was that there was nothing wrong with it. We never ran out of things to talk about. We always had fun and made each other laugh. We created together, inspired each other, made passionate love, etc, and it was only the beginning. Being with him felt so easy and comfortable. I guess he just has that gift with people though. He told me what attracted me to him initially was how much we have in common, but these commonalities aren't enough in the long run for him. He wants to be with someone in his career field. I have a high aptitude for tech and understand when he talks with me about it, but to him it's just not the same. He wants to be with someone he looks up to.

 

He told me he loves me and wants us to be in each other's lives, but he encouraged me to date other guys and told me he wants me to find a primary partner. He told me there was no hope for us having a future together. So all I can do now is move on.

I started an art project while we were together. My intention was to give it to him as a gift. I'd still like to finish it and send it to him.

So yes, day 5 no contact. The realization is setting in today that it's truly over for good and he's never coming back. I guess that accepting reality is positive. Cried a lot on the way to work this morning. I always feel better after a good cry, but at the same time it takes so much out of me. I feel like it ages me because of all the stress I am putting on my body.

 

Thinking about him a lot. Wondering what he's doing. Wondering if he's thinking about me. My guess is that he thinks about me from time to time, but draws the same conclusion. He cares about me but has to let me go. I'm not the one for him.

Successfully secured an appointment with a new CBT today. Feeling really good about that. Hoping she will help.

Edited November 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, merge threads and update title

[d0nnivain]

Don't go down the road that it's your age. I didn't meet my husband until I was 39.

 

He sounds like he is a caring person. . . hence his call to check up on you. So the little bit of good news is that you pick good men. That will serve you well in the future.

 

I'm sorry your friends are not being supportive in your time of need. They don't sound like great friends.

 

You can always "talk" to LS

 

Hang in there.

[smackie9]

He did give it a shot, he gave it 3 months, and his feelings for you didn't progress. It happens, no matter how hard you try. I think he felt that this was becoming out of balanced and to be fair to you he ended it. It may seem cruel, but it was for the best. Better to find out now than a year or so later. You will feel better in about a week, and as you go through the grieving process, the waves of pain will subside and you will start to feel normal and happy again. Your heart will heal.

[metaversus]

He did give it a shot, he gave it 3 months, and his feelings for you didn't progress. It happens, no matter how hard you try. I think he felt that this was becoming out of balanced and to be fair to you he ended it. It may seem cruel, but it was for the best. Better to find out now than a year or so later. You will feel better in about a week, and as you go through the grieving process, the waves of pain will subside and you will start to feel normal and happy again. Your heart will heal.

 

That's what he said the night we broke up. I asked; "But can't we try?", and he said; "In a way that's what we have been doing. Not all relationships are meant to last."

I don't think it was cruel. I appreciate his honesty, and I think you're right that he felt our relationship was out of balance, which is why he was open for the talk. He definitely cares about me, but he doesn't feel like I am his ultimate relationship.

But really, does he need to feel that way after 3 months? Couldn't we just enjoy being together?

I know what you're saying is right, but I miss him. I miss his energy and his smell. I made mistakes in the beginning, and had I not made those mistakes, I wonder if the outcome would have been the same.

[Tayla]

metaversus, Sorry that you are going thru the sorrow part. In doing self effacement, be a bit more gentle on yourself. You need never compare yourself to anyone. You are unique in your own way. Just look at your fingerprints, they are uniquely yours!

 

Can you possibly turn the perception around from being "used" to being utilized?

Being utilized is a good thing, we all do it when we are showing support to a friend/family/associate. Its a positive way of seeing that together a difference can be made. You left a good impression. pat yourself on the back for being in a relationship that created a good impact. Thru time you'll see that he inspired you too.

 

Be gentle, and allow yourself to have those sad moments, its a part of the process.

[metaversus]

metaversus, Sorry that you are going thru the sorrow part. In doing self effacement, be a bit more gentle on yourself. You need never compare yourself to anyone. You are unique in your own way. Just look at your fingerprints, they are uniquely yours!

 

Can you possibly turn the perception around from being "used" to being utilized?

Being utilized is a good thing, we all do it when we are showing support to a friend/family/associate. Its a positive way of seeing that together a difference can be made. You left a good impression. pat yourself on the back for being in a relationship that created a good impact. Thru time you'll see that he inspired you too.

 

Be gentle, and allow yourself to have those sad moments, its a part of the process.

 

He said that too, that he didn't want me to compare myself to his ex. I can't help but do it though. If I knew how to code, if I were more successful in my career, etc. It makes me want to better myself in these ways, but at the moment I feel defeatist. I need to deal with my hyper-emotional state before I can begin a new chapter.

My ex ex boyfriend is an artist. When he broke up with me I started pursuing this art form to get back at him. Totally the wrong reason! Lol, but as I started learning I realized I had found an art form I really love.

My ex has inspired me in countless ways, which is a major reason why I love him so much. I have never met anyone like him and know I never will. I know I have inspired him too in a big way. I definitely inflated his self esteem. Now that we have broken up I am feeling thoroughly uninspired.

I remember our first conversation, when he was telling me about himself, I was thinking to myself wow, this guy might be too cool for me! I guess I always felt that way, like he was out of my league.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

But really, does he need to feel that way after 3 months? Couldn't we just enjoy being together?...I made mistakes in the beginning, and had I not made those mistakes, I wonder if the outcome would have been the same.

 

I'm sure it would have been the same. When someone isn't right for you, you know fairly quickly (usually right after the excitement of meeting someone new has worn off). At that point there's no reason to just enjoy being together because you know it's not what you want. It's much more charitable to end things right then rather than letting it drag on. Would you have wanted to be here eight months from now after he tried to explain that he loved you but wasn't in love with you?

 

There's a reason for the "you know when it's right" cliche. When you both feel the same way there is no disconnect, doubt or worry. You just know. You can't talk yourself into loving someone or make someone else love you no matter how hard you try.

 

Let yourself hurt, but take solace in knowing you didn't do anything wrong. You deserve to be with someone who's completely certain about how much he loves you. You'll find him soon enough.

[Tayla]

Feelings are not validation of one's entire self. You are more then just your feelings. Its the irrational logic many use. If you feel worthless, then by golly you must be worthless. And that is simply not true when all the facts are lined up logically and realistically.

 

You are in a fog and things are probably needing to be sifted thru. Be gentle and good to yourself. Give yourself some rest . Be well.

[Seeker12]

Keep this updated on a daily basis, once if not multiple times a day! Its hard when a loved one walks away, and i can see it wasnt your fault at all, the route is very simple for you, hit NC and go live your life, grow independent and strong, it seems your ex has decided to finish that chapter of your life, but youll find someone im pretty sure!

 

The first few days of NC are stuff, youll miss him like crazy, loss of appetite, abnormal sleeping patterns and dreams youll get the lot, but remember this is your body making you stronger, although you wont realise it until later!

Edited November 12, 2014 by Seeker12

[jackinthebox1]

You need to get out there and date as hard as that is going to be.

He said he wants you to do that so give him what he wants and there is a slight chance he will miss you. Whatever u do tho, dont send him that project or whatever u were going to do. The guy dumped you, he doesnt want to be with you, he doesnt deserve a gift

[metaversus]

****, what did I do? I've made a complete mess of everything. I am so weak and I hate myself right now.

I am a certifiable cyber-stalker. I am so good at it that I get paid to do it for a living.

But I am not vindictive, only voyeuristic. It helps me feel closer to the people I love. It's information I might never otherwise learn about a person. I am not saying what I'm doing is right. I'm obviously messed up (therapy on Friday). I will say that cyber-stalking my ex ex has helped us to become as close as we are now.

So yesterday, while cyber-stalking my ex, I found his old blog. The content on it was old (10+ years), but wow there was so much good juicy dirt on there! I got an inner glimpse into his past psyche.

I read all about his first great love, and the interactions between them. He made the journal mostly for her. He was so desperately and hopelessly in love with her. It was torture reading about his undying love for her, just knowing how passionately he can feel about someone, but it offered me a lot of insight into his mind.

I caved last night after 5 days of nc, and I texted him telling him I found the blog, and asked him what happened to this great love from his past. Then I proceeded to send a string of emo texts. I told him I'm pretty torn over him, but I am not angry and appreciate his honesty because I know he hates hurting people. I admitted defeat. I told him that I hope we can be friends once I get over him, and even fwb's (ugh it gets worse).

He texted back thanking me for reminding hm to make that blog private (), and he girl had eventually moved on with another guy. He texted that he was glad to hear from me. I told him to check in on me from time to time, that once I'm over this hyper-emotional state, I'd love to be fwb's. He said that he would.

I texted that we could be successful as fwb's. I've successfully done it before. Now that I know the drill I just have to switch my mentality, and put to rest any hope of there ever being an 'us'. I told him since he made it clear I would never be his girlfriend, I would still like to be in his life. I am sure anyone reading this right now is rolling their eyes and face palming.

When my ex ex got a new girlfriend, I felt like I got punched in the stomach and had my guts ripped out. He was monogamous with her, but he always kept in touch. Then they broke up and we reconnected, and we realized we work best as fwb's. It works that way to this day (he's got a new gf). I reflect now and realize I NEVER again want to be his girlfriend, but we're super close and have fun together.

I told him this, and that this is the direction I can see us progressing if he's down. Time will tell. I told him I want a boyfriend and I don't plan on collecting any more men for this type of relationship. I'd like a primary partner, but I'll make an exception for him because he's special.

I told him should he want to continue our connection (which remains to be seen), it doesn't mean we can't share experiences outside of the bedroom sometimes too.

He texted back saying he'd like that when I'm ready. I texted back saying I'm leaving the ball his his court, and to let me know when he's ready for me again.

So here's the thing. I want to be in his life. He claims he wants me in his life. I'm not really sure how I can fit into his life just yet, or if I even can. I'd like to talk with him more about this. But I'm not sure I can put to rest the hope of there being an 'us' like I was able to do with my previous ex. I don't want to be his girl on the side. I want us to be close and love each other even if we do not ultimately end up together. I don't want our relationship to be all about sex. I'd like a real friendship as well.

We'll see if he even contacts me now, but if he does, I think I am going to need to have another talk with him to figure this out. I'd like to know if he can at least keep his heart open to me, even if he starts seeing other women. Maybe our love can grow over time?

I know what everyone is going to say. Cut this guy loose! He is toxic and it will only lead to further heartbreak. I am sure there is further heartbreak ahead for me with him, but I am going to do my best to get out there, keep dating and keep my heart open, because I know he's not my future husband, but maybe he can help me get through this period of loneliness until I do meet that man, and maybe we can be in each other's lives for a long time as good friends?

I'm a complete mess. It's no wonder I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff unless I pay someone or write about it on internet forums.

[jackinthebox1]

I cant give you any advice here because you are being weak and torturing yourself chasing a guy who just broke up a guy who has told you he doesnt love you.

Please for the sake of your own sanity go NC and stop doing all that crazy stalking or you will never move on. Every day you do that is another day you cant move on with your life and that he WONT come back to you.

If you want any chance of him coming back then you have to move on.

[metaversus]

I cant give you any advice here because you are being weak and torturing yourself chasing a guy who just broke up a guy who has told you he doesnt love you.

Please for the sake of your own sanity go NC and stop doing all that crazy stalking or you will never move on. Every day you do that is another day you cant move on with your life and that he WONT come back to you.

If you want any chance of him coming back then you have to move on.

 

jackinthebox1 I know you are right. Last night I unleashed another round of emo texts on him. He said he'd like to be friends and stay close and that he misses me. What does that mean? I asked him if he could leave his heart open to possibilities with me or is it closed forever? I told him it's really important he answers this. I need reinforcement so I don't have any false delusion or hope. He said: "Ok, I'll be as clear as I can. I can't be the kind of partner you need but I care about you and I'd like to stay close and friends."

I told him I know he can't be the kind of partner I need. But staying friends and being close. I don't want to turn into his side bitch. I want to be important to him. I texted and said what I'd really like with him is a loving, easy going friendship/lover type situation. I want us to be able to hang out on weekends sometimes like we have been, and I'd like to go out with him and perhaps even make plans to travel together in the future. I asked him if he thought this would be feasible. I texted and said remember, it's always better to be direct and honest with me. I appreciate it and it helps a lot, even if it hurts (truth).

He texted back and said sorry right now there's an ongoing meeting at my desk.

I asked him to respond when he can.

Later on my way home from an event where I gave a talk, I texted to tell him I went well and he texted back "Congrats!".

Later, I texted him saying you're probably working, but please get back to me about my questions. "Also, you say you can't be the kind of partner I need, but does that mean you will now look for a girlfriend who you can devote yourself to? I'm trying to gain more insight. Do you just want me around for sex?"

No response, except a text that was supposed to go to someone else (nothing bad).

I couldn't sleep last night, and realized what I need to do. I texted him to say "You make time for everyone else in your life except for me. I give up. You probably just wanted to keep me around for sex anyway."

Last text (early am) sent saying: "Time heals all wounds. I need to detach and get over you. It's unhealthy for me to hang on I won't move forward that way. It's clear you don't really want me in your life. Let's do 30 days of no contact to reflect and give eachother a breather. If at the end of that time you still want to be in my life, please get in touch. It has to come from you."

And that's it. No response from him, and I don't expect one. Back to day 1 of nc. Catatonic today. Looking forward to my therapy appointment tomorrow.

[jackinthebox1]

You have done everything wrong there even down to telling him u want 30 days no contact. You dont have to tell someone u are doing no contact. That means basically u will be waiting for him for 30 days so he wont need to get over it at all.

Go NC, heal and wait it out without expectation of him returning.

[metaversus]

You have done everything wrong there even down to telling him u want 30 days no contact. You dont have to tell someone u are doing no contact. That means basically u will be waiting for him for 30 days so he wont need to get over it at all.

Go NC, heal and wait it out without expectation of him returning.

 

jackinthebox1 I disagree. I communicated to him the point of no contact is so that I could detach and get over him, and that's what I plan on doing. It feels good that has been communicated and we both know what the deal is. He says he misses me and he wants me in his life, so we will see after 30 days.

[metaversus]

I think maintaining no contact now will show strength on my part, and he knows why it is happening so there are no games being played. I haven't been able to go more than a few days without texting him since we met. I am sure he will feel the withdrawal symptoms of not receiving the loving attention. He says he already misses me. I'm not saying this period of no contact will make him want me, but the time apart will give us both a chance to reflect, and clarity as to how/if we want to be in each other's lives.

I am really excited to start therapy tomorrow. Last time I was in this situation I went through cbt and it helped tremendously.

[metaversus]

My ex texted a few hours ago. It said: "I was in a business meeting with our cto till late last night and passed out aftewards im sorry I didnt get back to you sooner. But that hurt, and I got depressed and stressed and passed out in the middle of my work day."

"I want to keep your friendship because i care about you."

 

Wtf does this even mean? So confusing.

 

I responded and said: "I'm sorry for doing that to you. I am lashing out and going kinda crazy right now because I am hurting really bad. (Going to therapist tomorrow). I let myself fall in love with you and now I'm dealing with the reality that those feelings will never be reciprocated. It sucks.....Being your friend is great until the next girl shows up in your life. I know how passionately you can feel about someone and it will crush me to stand by and watch that, when I wish you could feel that way about me.

I said: "I think taking time is best right now. Let's take those 30 days and then maybe I will be in a better head space to be your friend."

 

He responded with: "Okay. Let me know how you're doing and if you want to talk. *hugs*"

 

I texted with: "I want to send you one more thing that I think will help and provide clarity. I'm gonna send it via FB msg bc it's another long letter, but I think it will help."

 

I wrote about this on another thread, but I want to document it here because this is my diary. I sent him this letter:

 

I know I've told you most of this already, but I wanted to write it out because I think it will help provide insight.

I spent a year obsessively cyber stalking my ex. Every mention of him on the internet was found by me. I followed who he followed on FB. I became immersed in his world and started following his scene. I even started <pursuing his art> to get back at him.

He knew I was doing this too, and I think he enjoyed torturing me. He normally made his photos private, but he would put up public photos from time to time. I was able to see just enough activity to understand what he was up to.

He would keep tabs on me via text, and I would always send sad, angry or emo texts in reply. Worse than what you've been getting! I spent the entire year in a depressive fog. I lost my job (which turned out to be a blessing since I hated it) and lost a lot of weight (which as a woman is also a good thing ).

I tried dating, a lot, but no one else could compare. I told him I had started taking <art> lessons, and would send him pictures from time to time of my progress. He would do the same. The irony is I started pursuing this to get back at him. I wanted to become better than him, and as I started doing it I realized I had found a creative outlet I really love that gives me purpose and makes me feel better about myself.

So, fast forward to the beginning of this year. He texts me to tell me his girlfriend broke up with him. He was devastated, and he offered to fly me out and spend the week with him. I had just lost another job (due to my depressed, apathetic state), and didn't have much going on. Plus I still thought I was in love with him so I jumped at the opportunity. We spent the week together and had a lot of fun. He was super depressed about his ex and I helped him talk it through and cheered him up. We made art together and he showed me around his area. He started telling me I needed to be out here instead of stuck where I was (he had moved across country the previous year). He knew about feeling stuck there because he had been in the same predicament. He offered me a place to stay rent-free for a few months if I wanted to move out here and change my life. The deal was that I had to let go of any hope there would ever be an 'us'. He was dead serious about that. he said if I could do that then I could stay with him.

The week I spent with him was very emotional for me. I cried a lot because reality was setting in. He was never going to love me the way I wished he would (we didn't even hook up while I was there). At first moving in with him was out of the question. How was I supposed to move in with my ex who I was still in love with and had broken my heart? Worst idea ever right?

But when I went home, I realized I hated where I was and really did want to change my life. Here was my golden ticket. The opportunity of a lifetime to move somewhere amazing. Was I just going to throw it away?

I spoke with an ex-colleague, a woman who is older than me, who told me that she had once found herself in a similar situation. She said that if I was going to make the move, I needed to bury any hope that I was ever going to be with this man. After spending a week with him on a purely platonic level, I started to realize I might in fact be able to do this. After about a month of thinking about it, I decided I would take the chance. There was more for me to gain by being friends with this man than not.

So I made the move, and it's the best decision I've ever made in my life. I love where I live, and he is my best friend. He's got an amazing heart. He's super generous with me and is now building his own studio now where I will always have a place to create. We love each other and are close, just not in the way I had initially hoped.

So that is a positive outcome of cyber-stalking. There is also my ex before him that was not positive, and with him I just needed to let go and put him out of my mind completely.

I really think it depends on the person and how they see you fitting into their life. If they see a place for you in their life they will want to stay in contact with you.

My friend/ex has a strange trip about what he is looking for in a woman. He feels like he needs to marry a woman of pedigree (Ivy League or the like) who is a total square, mostly to make his parents happy (who control his $$$$$$). He once told me two circles make a slippery slope (to which I replied I am a squircle:). As a result he has found a girlfriend who fits the idea of what he wants in his mind, but she is unable to satisfy him in a lot of ways. He feels somewhat tortured about this and looks to me to fill that void. He tells me I am helping save their relationship (I agree:). He's been and is a great friend to me in many supportive ways, so we have a solid understanding and our friendship works well.

It took me 1 1/2 years to understand the nature of our relationship. We are very close now, but at the same time there are rules. His girlfriend comes first. As a result I'll only see him during the week. The only time I see him over the weekend is when she's not around, which is rare.

So over time I've come to realize the various reasons why a relationship with my ex would never work. He's been forthcoming with those reasons, and that has helped me a lot to understand. Now I have absolutely no desire to ever be his girlfriend. I feel at peace with our friendship now and I love our relationship.

I am sure in time I will come to realizations too about why you and I would never work, but I haven't yet. My lack of understanding about why you do not believe we are compatible is part of what is making this so difficult. At first you told me it's because you are work obsessed and can't give me what I need. Now I see that wasn't true.

Can you do some soul searching and tell me? I don't want to hear "it's not you it's me". There are things which you feel or don't feel about me, which won't work for a relationship. If it's a physical attraction issue then c'est la vie. I'd like to think not so there is potential for sexy time in the future;). Maybe you don't feel we connect intellectually? I'm confident that I am just as intelligent as any of the women you've dated, just not as well-read, ambitious and driven. I know you fall in love with strong, intellectual, ambitious and driven women who strive to make a difference in the world. It could be any number of things. I just need to know before we can move forward in our friendship.

At the end of the day I want to be snuggled up next to you breathing in your scent, and it kills me to think about the next woman who will come along with whom you will feel that complete connection to in mind, body and soul. Once that happens you won't have any use for me.

I think what I can best offer you is emotional support. Though I think this is what you want the least, even though I think it's what you need the most.

So let's take this next month and do some soul-searching, reflect, polish ourselves and do what we need to do to feel the best we can about ourselves. I love you <3:).

 

I'm actually feeling A LOT better now, though it may just be because I'm on a high from having connected with him today. Tomorrow starts day 1 of no contact (again), but at least this time we are both on the same page and there is a maturity about the situation. I just hope I can follow-through this time and be strong.

[metaversus]

Going to bed tonight feeling like things are going to be ok. I hope this feeling lasts.

[metaversus]

Back to day 1 of no contact today. Feeling surprisingly good, like I'm truly ready to move forward and start healing. I don't think it's going to take as long as other breakups because our relationship only lasted 3 months. I haven't seen him in over a week and my feelings of attachment are already starting to fade. I need to work on my issues of feeling deep loneliness though. Looking forward to my therapy session this afternoon. It's going to be a long road ahead this time I'm going in deep.

 

I'm glad I communicated to my ex that I want no contact for a month. I know most people say not to but it feels like it was the right thing to do. I'm not angry at him and respect his decision to end the relationship if he wasn't feeling it (even though I do not understand it). It feels like we have closure and have ended things on amicable terms. I started thinking about what it will feel like when he finds a new girlfriend, and then I started wondering if he's already met someone (which is possible), and then I realized I don't even want to know. Better to put it out of my mind and not think about it. It's beyond my control and hopefully by the time I do find out (if I do), I'll be over it.

 

Been thinking a lot last night and this morning, and I've come to the conclusion the reason I do not measure up for him is because I'm not a programmer. Coding is his life. I've never met someone so in love with his work, and he wants a woman he can code with, as silly at it sounds. I have a high aptitude for tech and can understand when he speaks with me about it, but I can't respond in kind. I've been thinking about learning a programming language, but I have no idea what I'd want to do with it. It's a good skill to have living out here. Every woman he's fallen in love with (just a few) have been programmers and/or designers. I'm an artist in multiple ways but I do not excel at anything, and he wants to be with someone who is on top of their game. I personally think it's ridiculous to throw away a relationship because of this but people want what they want.

 

And as I'm writing this I received that 'thumbs up' emoticon from him on FB messenger. I used to accidentally press that stupid key when I'd be reading through our messages, lol. I've unfriended him on FB so I can't see his activity status on messenger, but I haven't blocked him on there. He doesn't use FB anyway except to communicate via messenger.

 

Looking forward to the weekend. Party tonight and going on a road trip this weekend with my girl friend. Should be fun and therapeutic.

[lemonsugar]

Back to day 1 of no contact today. Feeling surprisingly good, like I'm truly ready to move forward and start healing. I don't think it's going to take as long as other breakups because our relationship only lasted 3 months. I haven't seen him in over a week and my feelings of attachment are already starting to fade. I need to work on my issues of feeling deep loneliness though. Looking forward to my therapy session this afternoon. It's going to be a long road ahead this time I'm going in deep.

 

I'm glad I communicated to my ex that I want no contact for a month. I know most people say not to but it feels like it was the right thing to do. I'm not angry at him and respect his decision to end the relationship if he wasn't feeling it (even though I do not understand it). It feels like we have closure and have ended things on amicable terms. I started thinking about what it will feel like when he finds a new girlfriend, and then I started wondering if he's already met someone (which is possible), and then I realized I don't even want to know. Better to put it out of my mind and not think about it. It's beyond my control and hopefully by the time I do find out (if I do), I'll be over it.

 

Been thinking a lot last night and this morning, and I've come to the conclusion the reason I do not measure up for him is because I'm not a programmer. Coding is his life. I've never met someone so in love with his work, and he wants a woman he can code with, as silly at it sounds. I have a high aptitude for tech and can understand when he speaks with me about it, but I can't respond in kind. I've been thinking about learning a programming language, but I have no idea what I'd want to do with it. It's a good skill to have living out here. Every woman he's fallen in love with (just a few) have been programmers and/or designers. I'm an artist in multiple ways but I do not excel at anything, and he wants to be with someone who is on top of their game. I personally think it's ridiculous to throw away a relationship because of this but people want what they want.

 

And as I'm writing this I received that 'thumbs up' emoticon from him on FB messenger. I used to accidentally press that stupid key when I'd be reading through our messages, lol. I've unfriended him on FB so I can't see his activity status on messenger, but I haven't blocked him on there. He doesn't use FB anyway except to communicate via messenger.

 

Looking forward to the weekend. Party tonight and going on a road trip this weekend with my girl friend. Should be fun and therapeutic.

 

Well done!!! It is hard im day 15 but you start feeling better fairly quickly. It is better than talking all the time. Not sure had two missed calls just after he would have finished work from an unknown number. No VM and I dont really give out my number much so dont get unknowns at all who never leave VM. Not sure if it was him hope it was a cold caller i like the silence it makes it easier! Stick with NC it works!

[metaversus]

Well done!!! It is hard im day 15 but you start feeling better fairly quickly. It is better than talking all the time. Not sure had two missed calls just after he would have finished work from an unknown number. No VM and I dont really give out my number much so dont get unknowns at all who never leave VM. Not sure if it was him hope it was a cold caller i like the silence it makes it easier! Stick with NC it works!

 

lemonsugar now that you are on day 15-16, do you feel like you would take your ex back if he came back?

[metaversus]

Tonight is difficult, Friday night. I was supposed to go to a party but decided not to because it's a trek and my girl friend is coming over early tomorrow so we can leave for our road trip.

I'm home doing laundry and trying to muster up energy to clean-up my place and pack. Having ruminating thoughts wondering what he's doing, and cyber-stalked him a bit. I really need to not do that it just makes me feel worse, and eventually I am going to see something I do not want to, like him being active on a dating site.

Then I remembered the entire time I've known him we never hung out on Friday because he was always working, so I hope that's what he's busy doing tonight. My imagination often gets the best of me, and I'm imagining him out on a date with a hot girl having a fun time while being his charming self, or even out with his friends having fun. I want him to be sad and lonely. It's much nicer to imagine him at his desk working in isolation. Ideally I would not imagine him at all.

If I was out at the party tonight I doubt I would be thinking about this very much. Need to strategize ways to keep busy on weekends moving forward, even if it means going out and dancing to less than ideal music.