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Some help wanted - after a very unusual breakup [update]


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I was engaged for two years. She moved in to my home in anticipation of our marriage in late August. In late September, I went out of town on business….there were no arguments, disagreements or any controversy. I received regular texts like we always did in the morning but in the afternoon,

 

I received one from her that said that our relationship was over, she had moved out and that I should NOT attempt to contact her. About as out of the blue as can be. It felt like someone kicked me in the teeth.

 

I immediately tired to call and text her but my phone was blocked. I tried to call her family and friends to see what was going on to which I received a text from her threatening to call the police if I attempted to do so again.

 

Later that evening, I learned that she had unfriended and blocked me on social media, did the same with all of the people she had met through me and encouraged her family and friends to also unfriend me (what does one even say to get people to do something like this??? I wonder what kind of stories she is telling them?). To which almost all of her people have unfriended me on FB.

 

Since then I have tried to call her from an unblocked hotel room I was staying in while traveling, and sent her a couple of emails from an account she was unaware I used (‘we are better than this, lets talk”). This was greeted by a letter from an attorney threatening if I continued ‘harassment’ (1 phone call and 2 emails) that they would arrange for a personal protection order.

 

I am following the ‘no contact’ rule as described here (I am not sure I COULD contact her if I wanted to: I have no idea to where she has moved and I am blocked on her phone as well as email accounts). Five weeks later and there has been no communication at all save the anger that she has expressed through her attorney and the unfriending and such by her and her friends (this is a 43 year old woman!!!!). She had to put forth some significant effort to do this. Twenty or 30 phone calls at least! Although recently, she has attempted to communicate through Pintrest with my daughter.

 

Though she has done variations on this theme in the past, this time the ‘scorched earth’ policy is very surprising. I was very confused by her actions in this and the other instances. We did very little arguing and I was sincerely good to her to the extent that people in her sphere would go on about me and how well I treated her (not a pushover my any stretch, but I was very considerate to her) and she would rave about how ell she was being treated.

 

I continue to find many of her things around the house including a large trunk of keepsake type items that I would best describe as the kind of stuff that you would go back into a burning building in order to retrieve. She also kept her ring (a temp ring I bought until her permanent engagement ring was built before we left for Europe where I went specifically to propose to her), various cards and letters that she had sent me as well as the garage door opener. She told her attorney that I could throw them all away or give them to charity. ….I am wondering what these kinds of things mean.

 

I am a fairly well educated and rational man who is usually sure footed and confident with what I do. This situation has really thrown me for a loop. I welcome your thoughts and opinions regarding this to better understand what the hell happened and what you suggest my course of action should be. I welcome your thoughts on what happened and what to do next.....its been 5 weeks and I have heard nothing from her. I am highly compelled to try to contact her (some way) but wonder i I should give her more time to sort things out.

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Definitely not....I am highly loyal and transparent and she knew this. The only thing that I could come up with reading about this online is that she has relationship issue (and others) as a result of growing up in a raging alcoholics household (her father).

 

The most important thing is knowing what is going through her head now and getting a bearing on what I should do and and when (it would help to know what she is thinking but, of course, she is not communicating with me). Are the ring and other things a sign that she is still committed and just needs to 'get her head together', for example. Should I contact her now, or wait? Why the scorched earth?

 

This has been the MOST confusing and hurtful chapter of my life....

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SycamoreCircle

OP, I feel your post is leaving something out. These actions of hers were very well put together. Can you tell us a little more about your history with her? There must have been some kind of unusual behavior preceding this---enlighten us...

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Okay, so, JartyTek.

What you posted here is the most confounding thing I've ever come across. And that includes my own, ALMOST-out-of-the-blue wanting to divorce my very reasonable and lovely now-ex-husband. Honestly, it is as if she became all-of-a-sudden "possessed" by some dark and sinister force. Based on exactly and only what you've written.

 

Your only SAFE point of contact would be that attorney, from whom you've already heard. Send a personal and heartfelt letter (I'd email AND snail-mail a copy of the email), and appeal directly to the heart of that attorney to PLEASE help you gain some insight, clarity, understanding...WHATEVER the attorney can and will offer you. Include a copy of your post here.

Declare and confirm and affirm that this is ALL you know, and it is your ONLY perspective. (You don't need lawyers or anything, just do it from a personal level.)

 

I'm thinking -- guessing, really -- that she MUST have told that attorney SOMETHING that would suggest a PPO might be in order and necessary. (Unless the attorney is a personal friend of hers?)

 

I would NOT recommend trying to contact her directly. And get rid of that "scorched earth" thinking that is going on in your brain. What is it helping? How does it help you feel better about anything, or improve the situation for you?

 

I cannot imagine how much confusion and hurt and trauma this has caused for you. My wish is that you will, eventually and somehow, get the information and facts that will allow you to make sense of all of it.

 

Hugs, and very best.

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@Sycamore....thats really all that there is too it....she had overreacted in the past and broke up, but it was short lived and there was not as much scorched earth by her as this time: she made sure to burn her bridges thoroughly. In the past, there was a 'unfinished business' type email (regarding management of my website or something similar), then a conversation, then a call, then when we finally met for further discussion, all was INSTANTLY back to normal after she collapsed in tears and admitted that 'there is SOMETHING wrong with me....I need help' then she never does anything about it.

 

There was zero arguments....zero disagreements....the weekend before it happened, were were having sex like normal...going out like normal...talking about having people over the next day, etc. Even the morning of, I received normal type text messages before the 'dear John' text came later. She had SO much stuff here, for her to have moved out in a day means that she had a moving van and lots of help...it was premeditated for certain. This on top of her normal behavior.

 

She did have a tendency of just bottling feelings and thoughts up and not bothering to 'work them out' with me. Likewise, the relationship with the father of her child, and all of only two other serious relationships (only one a marriage) really worked out...she provided nebulous details of their failure like 'he tried to control me' or 'he was irresponsible' but I am certain, now, that something similar happened to those relationships where she had, effectively, terminated them, in a not dissimilar fashion.

 

My research here seems to point to her inability to successfully be part of any kind of intimate relationship (she was estranged from close friends....then reconciled.....then estranged again) but virtue of her upbringing in an rage filled alcoholic household. Where normal is something that you guess at and relationships are predicated upon impossible to achieve criteria.....

 

@Ronni....do you think that I should involve the attorney at this point? I don't know where she lives but I DO know where she works and I could always send it there. But what if she has really not allowed herself time to figure it out at this point? I guess that I am looking for some kind of a sign. I have half thought that she WANTS me to come and 'rescue her'. Does that make any sense at all?

 

Is five weeks enough? Most of what I have been reading about regarding no contact says 4 weeks.....or 6 months. Just really confused here. It would REALLY help if anyone had some guesses regarding where he head is at....what she is thinking....what she is feeling.....that would help me to take a course of action or none at all. Any guess would be really nice.

 

-the scorched thinking is hers; the anger, unfriending, blocking, etc

-she told the attorney that I was calling her relatives...I WAS the day of...but I had the right to....likewise, she insisted to him that calls from my daughters phone were ME trying to get a hold of her when my daughter was also hurt and trying to get her live (makes me sad- she looked up to her and was also very hurt buy this)...and insisted that I was making up aliases and phone numbers to contact her....when I was not...there were 2 calls and 2 emails...the lawyer (her son works at the firm as a file clerk) did it as a favor and seemed sorry that he did when I spoke with him

 

Yes this HAS been very hurtful and confusing....again, having an understanding of what might be going through her head, even just a guess, would help me to better deal with this.

 

Thanks

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The only one who can really know why she is behaving that way is she herself, unfortunately. But honestly, though its easy for someone outside the situation to say, if this really was out of the blue it sounds like she is breaking up with you in a very cruel way and perhaps that kind of selfishness isn't something you need in your life anyway.

 

Ask yourself if someone who would throw you aside so callously is really someone you want to know.

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loversquarrel

Bat**** crazy. Did you cheat on her and she found out?? Are you one of those arrogant types that people grow to hate and you don't realize it?? There has to be something you did....doesn't make much sense to me either.

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@weary....its a good point and something to consider if we ever talk again...of course I can never live under this kind of constant threat. But, you know, it just doesn't change how my heart feels.

 

@LQ ...I was VERY transparent and faithful with her. Her parents, coworkers and friends had the nicest things to say and were all very glad that she finally had met someone that was right for her. Interestingly, she was hitting me with compliments more intensely the last few days before the melt down. I tell ya; I treated her VERY well...there was nothing that happened and DEFINITELY nothing that would warrant this kind of thing. Hell; what would it take for you to do to react in this way? Even if she was cheating on me or emptied our bank account I STILL would have kept is civil and not gone to the extreme that she went through. I managed to speak to her Dad who was very clear in telling me that this was NOT about me or anything that I had done.

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I'm spitballing, but by the sheer brutality of the break-up, she made many efforts to cover her tracks. A similar event happened to me and a couple of my buddies...one day they just outright left and cut us off. Wanna know what we ended up finding out?

 

Turns out we were being cheated on. But instead of telling us, they made us the bad guy, because they probably did that to the other man.

 

This may not be what happened, but women generally don't jump ship that quickly and brutally unless there was a sure thing on the other side. Not sure if I'm right but this is probably the most likely outcome.

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Any chance she's building a backstory to protect herself against some action yet undiscovered by you? Could she have looted your retirement accounts? Involved you in a fraud?

 

Absent that, either she's mentally ill or you're in denial as to the real reasons she left. Not sure how we can help you here as there's not much to discuss...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Its a good theory but there really wasn't anything to loot....everything is still there.

 

I am going with mental illness and how she deals with any kind of intimacy and relationship (it all has to do with the environment in which she was raised - it was a tempestuous alcoholic set of parents. VERY emotionally abusive). It gets too hot and she runs. The slightest ANYTHING can cause her to run. It was getting the point in our relationship where everything was almost a Utopian situation, it really was and it really appears to have blown her mind.

 

I am pretty sure that I can talk her down from the ledge so to speak, but its a matter of timing. Of course she has destroyed all lines of communication to me but I can figure it out. What I need help with is any guesses as to whats going on on her end. What she is thinking NOW or feeling.

 

I think that I am the one that needs his head examined but I make VERY strong commitments and this is an example of it.

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JartyTek,

YOU would not be doing it...SHE already involved the attorney, who has threatened you with legal action. Even thought it was a favour to her, I'd still take it seriously. I'd not try to contact her directly. At this point, it really doesn't matter if your "she wants me to be her knight in shining armour"-half-thought is accurate or not. Your (knight in shining armour) thinking only makes "sense" in the broadest, most academic, no-consequences-to-you-and-your-real-life way.

 

I suspect that most of what you've been reading about 'no contact' does NOT make any allowance at all for having already been served with legal notice of a PPO potentially being taken out against [you]. Your thinking is clouded and not with your own best interests in mind, as evidenced by you believing that your "research" pointing to "her inability to successfully be part of any kind of intimate relationship" means anything.

 

NOBODY can guess what she's thinking or feeling. NOBODY has the tools to get into her soul or higher self or lower mind or whatever the heck. Not even you. Expecting that of yourself or anyone else (lawyer, parent or psychic), suggests where YOUR head is at. It needs to be given a shake, is where it's at. A really vigorous shaking.

 

And I'm not saying that to be unkind but to be kind.

-the scorched thinking is hers; the anger, unfriending, blocking, etc

No, those are just the actions that she chose to get rid of you in her real life. "Scorched earth" is NOT her thinking. The term "scorched earth" is YOUR thinking. It's how YOU have chosen to perceive/interpret. YOU are in charge of stopping YOUR terms that YOU use.

 

I totally understand that you want -- and even feel it as a need for -- understanding. I would also. In fact, I'm struggling with a similar "need/desire" for understanding of a recent romantic (or so I thought) partner. But. I am asking the Angels to help me get that understanding because I KNOW, without any doubt or delusion, that there isn't anyone on Earth that can get me inside his head.

 

So, I would offer: at least to stop trying to do that. It HAS to come from her, directly; and your only opening to that, as far as I can tell, sitting here behind my keyboard, is for you to approach that lawyer again...even though the initial letter was a favour to her.

 

Now. I get it if your knight-in-shining-armour mindset is all set and ready to go. If nothing less than that will satisfy you then, of course, that is what you must do. Only do it with full awareness of potential consequences (a PPO against you) and absolute clarity of what you will be gaining or "winning" if your quest is successful.

 

I know it sucks, JartyTek. Please believe me when I tell you that. We could most likely trade stories about our individual "what the effin effs???" But I'd need a dozen cases of both wine and beer :):(:). Sometimes life is just like that.

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She sounds a bit mentally off. Normal people don't do what she's done.

 

Look, she's gone through such lengths to cut you out of her life, leave her alone. Stop calling her. it hurts, it sucks and you may never find out why she's done this but this is the reality. What you can do though is, get a lawyer and file an RO against her and make sure SHE gets a direct message to leave your daughter alone and to stop all contact with her. I hope your daughter has blocked her.

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Thanks for the post.....anything is possible, but knowing her, the probability of another guy is very low...if for now other reason, it was a matter of logistics.

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What I need help with is any guesses as to whats going on on her end. What she is thinking NOW or feeling.

JT,

Do you want to hear that what she is thinking and feeling is, "I set an extreme test for JT, and now I want to see if he passes my test. And, if he does, then I know I can rely on him and trust him with my life"?

Because, of course that's one possibility.

 

Or. Do you want to hear that what she is thinking and feeling is, "I am so over JT, and I really, really, REALLY want to have nothing more to do with him"?

Because, of course that's one possibility. Also.

I think that I am the one that needs his head examined but I make VERY strong commitments and this is an example of it.
No. This is NOT AT ALL an example of you making VERY strong commitments.

 

Or am I missing something? How is it that? Did you commit to her that you'd entertain the idea of "stalking" her even after she did everything in the world possible to let you know that she wants you to leave her alone?

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I appreciate your perspective...yes based on things she has said before, I DO think that its a strong possibility that she wants me to come after her. I don't think its a terrible to thing to fight for what you feel is important even if its taken on an extreme element like this has.

 

I called her once the day of (and got her VM) once a week later and sent an email....Its been more than 5 weeks.....I don't believe that this constitutes stalking or harassment. Any normal person committed to a relationship would have certainly done the same. And, I am not convinced that she WANTS to be left alone: I am looking beyond the obvious, that's why I had posted here. I NEED to understand HER by virtue of her behavior(s) so that I can move on or act.

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JartyTek,

I am sorry that this has happened to you and I can't imagine how hurt and confused you must feel.

 

I agree with other posters that, although this has been sudden to you, she has probably been planning it for some time. (Unless she has been abducted by aliens, which I very much doubt)

Trying to fathom out why she did it won't help you in the long run, so I wouldn't use your valuable time and energy trying to gets answers.

 

The sad fact of the matter is that she didn't want to be with you anymore and hadn't got the guts to tell you to your face. She's showed you who she really is, so believe it.

 

Now what to do, legally ....

 

If you have permission in writing from her attorney then you can dispose of her stuff. Make an inventory of all her possessions and send it to her attorney, with a covering letter, to inform them of what you propose to do and making sure you get written permission to do this.

In the same letter ask for instructions as to what to do with any mail that comes for her.

Keep copies of these for your own records.

 

In the meantime make sure that you keep any mail that comes for her safe and unopened.

 

Do NOT try and contact her or she could do you for harassment. She's made it plain that she doesn't want to be with you, so don't give her the chance to reject you again - you're better than that, right?

 

I NEED to understand HER by virtue of her behavior(s) so that I can move on or act
.

 

No you don't. She's already shown you who she is - a cowardly conflict-avoider with no backbone. And don't think she's getting away with it - everywhere she goes she still be the same person with the same poor coping strategies.

 

 

Stay strong - good luck.

Edited by Arieswoman
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I called her once the day of (and got her VM) once a week later and sent an email....Its been more than 5 weeks.....I don't believe that this constitutes stalking or harassment. Any normal person committed to a relationship would have certainly done the same. And, I am not convinced that she WANTS to be left alone: I am looking beyond the obvious, that's why I had posted here. I NEED to understand HER by virtue of her behavior(s) so that I can move on or act.

I agree with you completely, that what you did is the LEAST anyone else in the same or a similar situation would have done. In fact, you showed remarkable restraint, IMO.

 

But. It's when I DO try to get in her head, that this idea of "stalking" enters...and/but that's only based on 'my' decision' to have threatened you with a PPO, in the first place.

 

If it is that this is 'my' (warped) way of testing you, then clearly...something is not right in my thinking and way of looking at life and relationships.

And when I say "clearly", I mean that from perspective of how you are looking at it and most of or all of the rest of us are looking at it.

 

So now. I try to go back and try to figure out how you might proceed. I still would be tempted to ask the lawyer to ask her, "Hon, what can I do? How can I make this a better situation for you?"

But I'd still do that through the lawyer, with hopes to not, er, further...

 

I'd be proceeding on the basis that she's not fully all there, is what I'm trying to say. I would try to work WITHIN the constraints that she has placed around everything, with hopes to make her feel safer. I'm NOT saying that you are scary in any way at all. I'm trying to get into her head, based on her actions that you have related here.

 

Why would a person do that? What would a person who would do that be feeling and, more importantly, be needing? I've been trying to work from that angle.

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SycamoreCircle

OP, my ex exhibited SOME of the behavior you're talking about on a much much smaller scale. There was no legal action or anything like that(she was 25). But she covertly waged a campaign to devalue and discredit me to friends and family, decided she never wanted to see me again and in her own words "fled" the situation.

 

There was another man. (She kept that a secret from me and everyone else.)

 

She puts him on a pedestal approaching worship. Everything I read points to her having strong traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

Could any of this relate to your situation???

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I think that at the very foundation of this is not anyone that really is rational enough to have a clear motivation and action plan associated with what she is doing. Matter of fact, I think that has significant enough emotional problems. I have been here with her before and she told me as much; she has no idea why she did this. The blocking of me, friends and such was method to make her flight successful and be able to reach back no matter how hard she wanted.

 

I SO appreciate everyone's observations but much of what is being speculated assumes that there is a clear thinking and logical person (like all of us) in the drivers seat calling the shots and putting behaviors forth....ones that are in her own worst interest.

 

I suspect that what she is feeling on the other end is a crippling level of confusion and hurt. Remember, we NEVER argued or had any acrimony. And, very likely (again, I am going on what she has told me in the past) wondering when I am going to come and rescue her and our relationship. Yet she might still very well be of a mindset to call her attorney if I attempt contact again. Maybe I am just dealing with a split personality or something so far gone that there is little that I can do on my own.

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loversquarrel

There has to be some history with her, even before she met you. That level of cruelty and abusiveness comes from somewhere. Actions such as this reflect a serious personality disorder. I really feel for you, I've been ignored in relationships before without any chance for closure, but your story is just on a different plain.

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