My daily break up Diary, warts n all, x rated, start...to finish.

[jackinthebox1]

I have been through so many break ups but they just don't get easier, even when you know what to do.

My ex and i were only together for 5 months but it was amazing. She was crazy about me, me less about her tbh. I drifted off towards the end as i just had so much pressure with work and i couldnt find time to go see her a couple times. Then we had one argument and she ended it. After saying she loved me a few days before. Aside from me being busy, we were great. A great couple and i knew she was exactly what i was looking

 

I've annoyed my friends long enough and i want to be able to look back in a few weeks, months and see the whole thing and where i am and be able to laugh at it. So here goes. Warning though, its going to be graphic and pretty X rated so apologies, i want the whole thing to be seen so people can identify when they come on here.

 

Day 1

 

After texting & speaking on the phone following an argument we arranged to meet up. I was expecting 100% to work things out, that she would want to talk it through. It was our first argument ffs. But out of nowhere i got the "I can't deal with this right now" line. I came home and was miserable the whole day. I couldn't eat, haven't slept for a few days and was generally a shellshocked wimp. But i ended it well. Said i respected her wishes, took her off all my social and began to move on. With the hope she would text at some point. i know i shouldn't but i think it anyway. A girl i've always been attracted to texts me and wants to hook up on the weekend. I can't even think about it. I take 2 sleeping pills and lay awake all night in complete agony.

[jackinthebox1]

Day 2

 

It's not getting easier. I lay in bed until 3pm in total gloom. Going over and over in my head what i should have said, looking at my phone incase she calls. I still can't eat anything. I've taken so many seeping pills that i'm now wide awake (that can happen). But it is feeling a tiny bit better. There are small moments that i catch myself not thinking about her. But the other half of me gets more and more attached to her. That i will never find someone like her again. She becomes more and more attractive as time goes on. Does this happen the same for her i think?

So then a strange thing happens.....

I start speaking to an ex on FB who i COMPLETELY screwed up by doing everything wrong whe we broke up. This was 10 yrs ago now though and we are friends. We start talking and she sends me a photo of herself in her underwear. We keep on talking and suddenly we have arranged to meet up in about a month to hang out, have sex and re live the good times.

I remember what i would have given at the time for this, and i'm reminded that EVERY EX COMES BACK if you hold out and do the right thing.

So then......

I hit up another ex on FB. She tells me that she and her BF are breaking up and do i want to hook up for some no strings fun.

Well at this point i cant believe my luck and my ex is LONG GONE from my mind. I text a bunch of friends, tell them the old me is back!!!!

Then (sorry!) I pleasure myself thinking about those exes and whats going to happen. Its amazing, i can't wait.

Then i cum and i feel like absolute crap. I would give anything to be with my ex now and do not care about those girls one bit.

I go shopping, i buy more sleeping pills, i go over and over in my head what i should have said. I imagine us together, i dream of it being 2 weeks ago when she begged to see me and i had to work.

So i came on here and wrote a diary. I know i will look back in a few weeks and see my progress and i believe this will help other people know that this is NOT forever.

I do still feel that this was the one. I have never felt like this before about a girl. Not the love part, but the respect, the mutual trust. Iv broken up with girls before and wanted them back but known it was wrong. This was like losing the crem de la cream. She was the total package. Beautiful, great morals. Gf or just my friends i have never met a girl as great as her and over the next few weeks i'm going to deal with how it feels to know that i was dumb enough to take it for granted.

I hope i get some sleep tonight and Day 3 is a good one!

[jackinthebox1]

Day 3

 

I took so many sleeping pills im still pretty dazed but actually managed to sleep. That one moment when u wake up and forget anything on your mind is the best. Then you remember, and your stomach just drops....

I wake up to a text of two people ****ing from my female friend.

My ex hated her. I was blind to how she was. She is my friend is said, there is nothing there. Now we are broken up its clear she wanted that to happen and is now making her pitch. Which is annoying. I'm not interested.

 

Still feel sick so made a monster smoothie with eggs, porridge, protein, fruit, and i'm going to hit the gym today. The initial panic testosterone has disappeared though and im genuinely just quite sad now.

It's definitely got better. I can function. Im not lying in bed, harrassing my friends, im dealing with the pain and getting on with things.

My feelings towards the episode are changing. The argument we had i apologised for but she still thinks i lied about something that i didn't. She says my friend told her i lied, he 100% didnt but it may have come out that way.

He has been telling me he should contact her, i said no. If she doesn't believe me, its pointless. Think thats the best thing to do?

 

Im constantly looking at articles on the internet looking for any hope that exes come back, even though i know that would not work anyway.

She has been on some crazy medicine last week that makes u get real anxious. Maybe she'll come off that and come running back. Maybe she doesnt care at all. I look at my phone every few minutes, better than every 10 seconds like yesterday.

I miss her and i wonder if she's thinking of me. My other ex is sending me graphic sexual ideas that she wants to do. Really graphic, WOW.

While i was with my current ex i thought i wanted this. I would now give anything for vanilla sex with someone i loved and have at least learnt something.

In a few weeks i'm sure ill be happy i have other girls lined up but how long can i go on sleeping with people i don't love for instant gratification, waking up regretting it. I want everything i lost.

The space between thinking about her is getting bigger though. There are more moments that i catch myself not thinking about her and i know its getting better

[heartache25]

Long road ahead buddy

[Seeker12]

Mate im doing my own NC diary, its healthy and helps, trust me what you need to do is focus on you right now. Your emotions are going to be damn extreme, up and down, what you need to be thinking now is that okay, my body and my mind are hurting, i need to mourn. So you literally need to grieve, cry do what you have to do. Right now it seems your trying to escape the reality of whats happened by diverting your attention but then it hits home eventually, at this rate you wont get through it, youll always get dragged back in. Let yourself know and realise the reality, im not saying dont hook up with old exes etc, im saying first sort out yourself, stabilise.

[jackinthebox1]

Yea man. I don't feel like hooking up with anyone tbh. If i was in a relationship i would be gutted that i was missing out, but there lies the problem.

It's pretty telling though that you get another shot with every ex at some point. Pretty much every ex i've had, there has been an opportunity to go back there, but i've always been over it by the time that happens.

[Seeker12]

JITB i was in the same mindset, to the point everywhere i looked id hallucinate seeing my ex!! But slowly slowly the more social im getting, the more im finding myself attracted to certain girls again. To be honest i understand what you are saying, when your in the relationship you may feel as if youre missing out, now your out of it, you dont want it even though its offered.

 

Therein lies the issue, you have another shot, but the question is why do you get another shot, is it because the ex feels lonely so selfishly runs back?

[jackinthebox1]

Day 3 update

 

Parts of today were ****ing awful. I ate a tuna, milk and spinach smoothy because i still cant eat. That was terrible!

I got thru work ok, curled up into a pathetic ball about 530 n slept for 30 mins.

Didnt get to the gym like i hoped but managed to go get a halloween costume and get myself out the house.

I've started to look more at what i did wrong now. It's painful to assign blame to yourself but i think im slowly working things out.

Went to a party, spent an hour FBing my best friend about everything. he was awesome. I know its completely pointless but getting it all out is a massive help and helps the process.

I was going home at midnight but i stayed out and hit a bar with some friends and i could feel the old me coming back.

My friend who my ex hated was there, all over me. When i was in a relationship i would think about fcking her all the time, now i cant stand her. I can see why my ex was annoyed n had trust issues.

I have definitely changed and learnt from this. Shame she doesn't know but i'll know not to **** up like that in the future.

Parts of today were absolute hell but being around friends, more so than being around other women is definitely the secret. And not being afraid to talk about it. It may sound like a broken record, but if they are real friends they will understand

Here is hoping day 4 will be a less painful one

[jackinthebox1]

Day 4

 

Wow i cant believe its only been 4 days, it seems like a lifetime.

After a decent night last night i woke up again with that horrible feeling, checked my phone for any sign of contact. Had a huge smoothie with eggs, spinach, fruit and oats. Much easier than eating dinner.

Id say im about 5% getting there, gradually.

Every time i break up with someone i end up leaving the town, leaving the country, ****ing anything i can. But this time i've realised i just have to ride this out and heal or it will always be there.

This is the first time i've ended a relationship and understood my own commitment issues and realised that i have to work harder. She worked a lot harder than me. It was quite a brief relationship but even though she loved me, if there were insecurities, then that didn't help.

Going to get a haircut and then the gym. I have that horrible stomach churning feeling but i'm used to it now. It's still very difficult but i'm dwelling on recovery and powering through?

[jackinthebox1]

Day 4

 

Day 4 update. Ive been in my house pretty much all day and its been a rollercoasrer. It feels like coming off crack. All those seratonin chemicals are now in your brain needing your ex to fill them up again.

You just have to stare down the barrel of the storm and go with it. Go through it, not around it. It's not getting easier though, i hope it does soon. I keep thinking if only it was 2 weeks ago when she was begging to see me.

 

Anyway, i hope everyone reads this next part because it's important

 

The same day i got dumped i met a guy. Hes around 70 and one of the best people ive ever met. Completely full of love and just an amazing person. We had a brief conversation that literally changed my life. He left the office and then i found out he has 3 months to live.....

 

I was about to go crazy about an hour ago and randomly he called me just to tell me im a beautiful person, 1 in 10 million and we chatted about our families, work, whats important. For that hour i felt completely amazing.

So you know what, it doesn't matter. It's all going to come back around. Its very hard at the moment because being dumped you take on all the feelings of guilt, rejection. But we are all good people, and we don't need one person to validate that.

We all need to strive to be more like Ken.

[riokid180]

Yea man. I don't feel like hooking up with anyone tbh. If i was in a relationship i would be gutted that i was missing out, but there lies the problem.

It's pretty telling though that you get another shot with every ex at some point. Pretty much every ex i've had, there has been an opportunity to go back there, but i've always been over it by the time that happens.

 

Really? Man, I've had the complete opposite experience. I institute strict NC right away and basically never hear from ex's ever again. Hmph! Why do they keep coming back to you?

[jackinthebox1]

Because i always end it well, go NC straight away and ride it out, focussing on getting over it.

She text me last night unfortunately now im back to being confused.

[jackinthebox1]

Im not sure if anyones reading this or why im writing this out each day but it def helps. I know in a month i can look back at all this and make sense of it, and that kinda helps me, and future people looking at this know that....things will change and it will get better.

 

So i went to my friends last night and made him tell me the story of how his wife broke up with him twice before finally getting together.

I came home, went to sleep feeling not too bad. Woke up this morning to a 2:30am text from here saying "where were you tonight?"

Very strange. She had gone to my local bar and must have been looking for me. But what can i do. Its breadcrumbs. It made me feel a bit better briefly but then just hurts again. I know she is out there hurting, possibly regretting her decision. Her decision to break it off was really rash which is why i hope she will come back at some point.

 

I asked a female friend. She said she either came looking for me and got annoyed at 2:30 when i wasnt there, or (more likely she said) Is playing games and want to know what i miss her. But then, she DID come to find me.

 

Either way, absence makes the heart go fonder. Im going to leave the contact. She knows where i am. It will take more than that for me to drop my guard.

 

Went to the gym for the first time in ages, that was tough. 5 days is not long so the pain is still very apparent and trying to focus on anything is still tough.

Saw myself at the gym and ive lost a lot of weight, that's not good

 

I spent an hour combing the internet for more stupid break up stories for no reason apart from a glimmer of hope.

Im going to church now. Im not religious at all but its full of hot girls and i need to be around people. Im by myself in a big town at the moment which makes it harder.

My head is telling me to move on asap. My heart is still looking at my phone thinking she will reach out again. We shall see what the week will bring. Im staying No contact

[jackinthebox1]

Day 6

 

After being in by myself all night i'm having a really tough day at work.

I can't concentrate on anything, feel constantly nauseous. Im back to looking at my phone every 5 seconds incase she texts me and have no idea why im regressing so much at this point. It doesn't seem to be getting any better.

There are moments when i forget about it or think i'm getting over it but then its just back to earth with a huge thud.

Don't know what to do at the moment apart from keep going and hope it gets better and doesn't affect my work.

[jackinthebox1]

Day 6 Update

 

I felt so bad at work i had to leave. I went to see my best friend and he was great, he talked to me for two hours about my ex. He got dumped twice by his wife before they got married. Not that that is anything to go by. But i did write a long post about how i got back with my exes above this.

I felt good for about an hour after seeing him. I then came home n skyped my other best friend and talked to HIM about my ex for an hour.

They are my friends, they put up with it.

I went to the gym, i spent the first 10 minutes googline "how to get my ex back" in the toilets just incase i missed anything the first million times, then i worked out and felt better.

 

Came home, went straight out. Went to see a friend at a real ****ty bar and had a panic attack and left. Was going straight back to my best friend to talk but remembered i had some friends over the road.

Spent two hours there, felt better.

Strangely.....the day before my ex broke it off, my friend had told me he had seen her out and she said we broke up, before i even knew! I thought she was a total bitch.

Today he said that she seemed real sad and had said that i broke up with her. So maybe i did, i dont have the texts but i sure F'd that up!

But i had the meet to apologise and leave it well so no regrets.

 

So from the surface, no real progress. Its not even a week yet but i am eating meals now, going to the gym and my body is clearly getting used to the pain of having your heart ripped out, and trying to get on with it.

 

I cant see this pain going away any time soon but there are moments, especially when i was running, or in the bar with my friends that i felt like my old self. Soon that will be all the time!

 

Sleeping pills, knocking myself out.

[jackinthebox1]

Day 7

 

Woke up feeling sick, checking my phone, stayed in bed for an hour on these forums instead of going to work.

I thought things would be improving by now. They are in the way that i can eat and function but mentally things dont seem to be improving and i dont know what to do. I have so much regret

Showering, heading to the office, going to make the most of my day

[jackinthebox1]

Well id love to say things get better, im sure they do but its not quick.

I met a friend and sat in the park for 3 hours talking. He is a great friend and it got my mind off things and back on to life.

Then i went home, went the gym with a friend but was so nauseous i had to leave half way through.

Parts of today i thought my head would explode that i couldnt ever deal with this pain. Parts of it i was calm and parts of it i was feeling like my old self.

I wish i could give people hope writing this but if anyone has seen trainspotting, it feels like the scene where Ewan Mcgregor is locked in his room coming off crack. Its INSANE. But im coping.

Im beginning to be able to do work. i had 3 meetinsg today that i sat through and basically thought about my ex for every second but i saw through it.

 

Its been 7 days since she broke up with me. Its been 3 days since she text me at 2:30 am asking where i was. I still have no idea why she came to find me.

Would it have been different if i was there and we saw each other? Why hasnt she reached out again?

I dont have any reason to hate this girl. Im responsible for a lot of this break up but im still glad i handled it well and she will never know how much of a mess i am.

Only tip i have is be around firends. There are brief moments around friends where u forget and get hope again.

I can not wait to be asleep. Im resigned to it now feeling like this for a month at least, and i have to keep going through the tunnel

[Chatmonkey]

Following your journey. Your posts are also helping me through NC. Keep it up.

[jackinthebox1]

Thanks! Only problem with my posting is i only remember to do it at down times! Had a decent night tonight taking my mind off things. this forum helps a lot.

[jackinthebox1]

day 8

 

My favorite part of life at the moment is being asleep. Pretty stupid huh. We have this magical gift given to us and i would do anything to not be in it.

I woke up and for about 10 seconds nothing hurt and i felt normal. Then i remembered everything and went back to feeling sick. Those 10 seconds were fabulous though.

Gonna try yoga today, going out with a friend later and as usual im spending the first hour of my day combing stupid internet articles about relationships.

My ex went on medication a few days before ending it, which made me wonder if that threw her. But then again, it doesnt matter, she ended it. She didn't want me in her life, so the fact im sitting here alone and hoping she calls makes no logical sense. And im hoping to see that more over time.

 

My friend called me at 9am, the guy who has 6 months to live. He's awesome.

Work is tough. We have been broken up a week today. I wonder what the next 28 days will bring.

[jackinthebox1]

Day 8 Update

 

Its been a week, so its kinda day 8 but whatever

I've been chatting with friends for a few hours, working on some hobbies i havent for 10 years, generally starting to feel like myself.

Its not gone. Im resigned to the fact that this feeling isnt going to go any time and i am right in the eye of the storm at the moment. But i think i can see relief in the distance. I still feel like vomiting, think of her every second but at times i think , maybe it was her fault, maybe this doesnt actually matter.

 

This is the worst you will ever feel. You have that. Get through this and you can achieve anything

[Mi7522]

Hey JITB I have been going through the same thing. We were together for about 4 months and it seemed as though everything was great until she needed space. It's has been 7 weeks since the BU but only 2 weeks NC. I felt down up until this week and now it seems as though my head is starting to clear. It's tough but you'll get through it.

[jackinthebox1]

Hey JITB I have been going through the same thing. We were together for about 4 months and it seemed as though everything was great until she needed space. It's has been 7 weeks since the BU but only 2 weeks NC. I felt down up until this week and now it seems as though my head is starting to clear. It's tough but you'll get through it.

 

How come you you spent 5 weeks in contact? What happened?

[jackinthebox1]

day 8

 

Ok, so bascially, it doesn't really get any better after 8 days lol. But u can cope.

I left work at 3 to go see my friend. I felt pretty good until around 6 when i as back to my head exploding, wanting to vomit. We went to his, had some food, watched a film. Anything to stop myself from coming home alone.

Parts of the night were absolute hell. Smiling with him and his wife while i watched a move while my head is going 1000 miles per hour with every bad thought it could contemplate.

Every time she pops into my head, which is around 99% of my waking day im now trying to force it out but its tough.

After day 4 i was hoping it would progress quickly but it does not. I know its only been a week but jeez this is going to be at least another month of pure torture.

 

On the flip side i have done some work tonight. My friend bought me around some chocolates and a preasent. She is trying to convert me to Jesus but fair play, what a nice thing to do!

 

If you dont have friends then it must be so tough. Now though, its my favorite part of life. Sleep. Sleeping pills, no thoughts, just sleep.

 

Here is to day 9, bring it on muther****er

[Mi7522]

How come you you spent 5 weeks in contact? What happened?

 

I had some stuff at her place that she took a month to get back to me so it was LC with some chit chat and her telling me her kids missed me, just breadcrumbs to be honest. Once I got my stuff back it has been NC on both sides. I do find this last week has been very good and LS has been very therapeutic for me. You will start feeling better but it does take some time.