Jump to content

Lost Myself Loving Someone Else


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone, I've made this thread to share part of what I experienced during my relationship that I am only now consciously aware of as well as what I've learnt from the breakup, and to ask you guys to share if you've had an experience similar to mine.

 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me nearly 3 months ago. We had a very fun, loving and honest relationship - to say the least. What I was unaware of midway through our relationship was that I was beginning to lose myself. I started to become over-giving and in the process lost myself. I focused so much energy on my relationship with him, making sure that he was happy so that I could be happy, that I completely ignored MY OWN needs and wants. This probably stems from the fact that I have poor self-esteem. As a result, I made no time for myself and gave him no time of his own. Towards the end, our relationship began to develop the pursuer-distancer dynamic. V bad. I also came out of the relationship feeling exhausted!

 

Since our break up, I have come to realise a lot about myself that I was previously unaware of and oblivious to. I was so emotionally dependent, lost when I was apart from him and had troubles being by myself - all of which isn't normally anything like me! Or would have liked to be, at least. (Who would?)

 

This was my first serious relationship. I had no idea what I was doing and the ways in which I should go about a romantic relationship. Fortunately, he has expressed interest to stay in touch although we have been NC for about 3 months now. I need to do NC because it is my way forward in learning to be independent, etc. I care about him so much. This entire experience (relationship AND break-up) has had a huge impact on me. At the moment, I am not interested in reconciliation. I have infinite tenderness for him and believe I will for as long as I live. I hope that one day, when I am more (emotionally) independent and mature, that our paths will cross and we will be able to make something happen again. I genuinely do think he's the love of my life. I know it sounds silly to say so as he's my first serious boyfriend, but I have met many boys in my life and have never bonded and experienced the level of comfort with someone else the way I have with him.

 

Btw, he did not state any of this as the reason for our break up. He was very adamant that it was him. "I just feel like I'm not 100% there for you." and "Bad timing." I believe that his feelings for me as a romantic partner ceased to persist - but why, neither of us know. Again I believe that this may have something to do with the vibes I was giving off. I started becoming someone different and he probably picked up on that. He said there was nothing wrong with our relationship, which is true to a large extent. We barely ever fought, loved, cared and enjoyed each other deeply. But there was something wrong with me, and I'm thankful (in a way) that the breakup happened or else I wouldn't be who and where I am today.

 

What about you guys? Have you guys had similar experiences?

 

Love & peace :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Also, can I add - how crazy is it that we attract into our lives people who hold qualities we've unconsciously disposed of? I dare say I was not very independent (largely in a sense that I wasn't comfortable being on my own entirely and have always had help available to me), and my ex-boyfriend was very good at it which is a trait of his I admire deeply and have always longed for. He's so independent and able that being with him sort of filled that gap for me, I didn't have to pick it up myself. But now I am able to do so and can't be any happier with my progress. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can agree to this, i got completely sucked into such a comfortable life that i unknowingly became hugely dependent. She was everything basically, she filled the gaps and i stupidly ditched a lot of other friendships and relationships for her, hence i also created gaps she could fill. Now im out of it, it feels like im finding myself again, who i am, my direction in life, what i want, its scary but also just mad.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Feelbettersoon

God reading this was rough. This happened to me too, I totally lost myself and was left destroyed.

 

3 months down the line im probably 45% where I want to be, a lot of work to go

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I can agree to this, i got completely sucked into such a comfortable life that i unknowingly became hugely dependent. She was everything basically, she filled the gaps and i stupidly ditched a lot of other friendships and relationships for her, hence i also created gaps she could fill. Now im out of it, it feels like im finding myself again, who i am, my direction in life, what i want, its scary but also just mad.

 

It's good to hear that you're finding yourself again! I think we can also learn from this that we should take extra precaution to not lose ourselves so much the next time. I'm rooting for you!

 

God reading this was rough. This happened to me too, I totally lost myself and was left destroyed.

 

3 months down the line im probably 45% where I want to be, a lot of work to go

 

Nice to know I'm not in this alone. Really. 3 months down the line and I'd say I'm only about 45% where I want to be as well. We'll get there, and it's going to feel amazing. Truthfully, we probably won't even be aware of it when we get there. I'm in this with you. :bunny:

 

Fortunately, I didn't do anything too detrimental in terms of losing myself. I still kept in contact and spent time with friends, so didn't jeopardize any of my friendships. What I did jeopardize, was myself. So now it's about regaining all that I gave away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Hi annisk,

 

You and I are in similar situations so I understand your view point. It's easy to lose yourself in a relationship with someone you really love but the thing is that if that person REALLY loved you, it wouldn't have mattered that you were losing yourself because that person would be right there with you.

 

I see a lot of successfull relationships around me where both people are equally lost in love. They do everything together and they strive to make sure the other is happy constantly. They buy eachother little gifts, they do the little things to keep EACHOTHER happy. I don't think relationships fail because people lose themselves, I think that what happens is that one person slowly falls out of love with you. They start to pull back and do less because essentially you guys aren't a "perfect" match. AND THEN you notice that you've lost yourself, because the other person pulled away and you're the one left doing all the work that the other person used to be doing with you. Please don't think the relationship ended because you "lost yourself" because to someone who truly truly loved you, it wouldn't matter.

 

I don't know if this makes sense to you but from personal experience... I know I didn't change much from start to finish. I always did sooo much for my boyfriend, and for the first 2 years or so he always reciprocated. We were lost in love together and it was wonderful. Then long distance happened, and things changed. He slowly started to fall out of love with me, and i didn't really notice until it was too late...

 

Moral of the story: YOU didn't lose yourself. The other person got lost and emotionally checked out on you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't give away more than you're getting in return and you won't ever have this problem again. Doing so leaves you depleted.

 

Your needs matter as much as anybody's. Make sure yours are being met along the way.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Very good read. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to what you went through. I lost myself in previous RSs as well. More so in my last RS because I was so very much in love. It was definitely a codependent RS. The greatest lesson I've learned in life so far is that no one else is responsible for your own happiness but you.

Edited by me85
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate completely. I invested my time and emotions. I placed myself in his life- or just the parts that he allowed. And then when I asked if he like to join me in any of the activities I enjoyed- it was been there done that- or no. Simply put- not one if my child's sports events did her attend in two years, but I went to his daughters and his sons and the cottage. Eventually I was losing myself, didn't have roots planted for my child in our home, so I pulled away, slowed down on going over, stopped asking if he'd like to hang out at my sons sporting events, stopped working on his life goals - and put up with being the secret ontario girlfriend. I definitely devalued myself. So I get it, I knew a year ago - just now getting back to me. It's a work in progress some days are better. One thing for sure us that I know I love myself and feel good about that- i have not broken the NC - even though he has attempted- I have my dignity :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...