Second break up and all is still not clear

[thedills05]

I am here yet again after another break up with my girlfriend. We were together almost 4 years when we experienced the first break up. She is 7 years yonnger than me and at uni. She ended up kissing a uni friend and entering into a 4 month relationship with him. Towards the end of the 4 months, after a long period of no contact, she made a desperate attempt to make contact with me again and eventually, we got back together.

 

What proceeded was a further 12 months together, which on the whole was fine. She even talked about marriage and moving in together next year, mentioning it to her parents just 6 weeks ago. I did have some insecurity issues post the first break up and we did argue, but on the whole, we had some really good times. Just 4 weeks ago she embarked on her final year of uni. We had an emotional goodbye and she was quick to mention how much she missed me after just a few days apart.

 

After just two weeks however, I found out (in a very convaluted way) that she had drunkenly slept with the guy she left me for last summer. We immediately went our separate ways and accepted that this really was it.

 

What followed however was contact from her. Apologies and the like, saying how sad she was and how she wishes it had never happened. This culminated in me meeting her and spending the night with her last Sunday. Following that day, we had an emotional goodbye. She text later that day to say she knew she wanted to be with me, but couldn't be whilst at uni. I told her to not contact me again until she knows what she wants once and for all.

 

In a moment of weakness, I contacted her again yesterday and long story short, we spent the afternoon and night together and had sex a number of times. This morning, I left her again and she still maintained that she was confused and needed space. I told her that I would give her that this time. But again, she felt the need to contact me earlier and ask if we would meet again and that she was even more sad and confused after last night.

 

I know that a lot of people will say, just leave this alone now. I truly believe that this can work though and would like to think that once dust has settled and she has come out of her haze of confusion, she will want to reconcile once and for all. In the meantime, I am going to get on with my life, I am not for one minute prepared to put my life on hold for this.

 

My question here really is, how am I to proceed?

[d0nnivain]

Proceed toward what? She's much younger that you and more importantly at a very different life stage. You are settling into adulthood & she's still in the party free-to-do-whatever stage of college. Her actions are saying I don't want to be tied down.

[thedills05]

I appreciate her actions are saying that. I cannot understand why she tried desperately to win me back though, and eventually succeeded in doing so? And why she continues to maintain contact. I mean, if she did truly want to let go once and for all, why on earth is she still making contact and still wanting to see me?

 

When I was at her age and in a 7 year relationship at the time, I turned my back on it and never once regretted the decision, or gave the girl any hope of reconciliation. This relationship just seems a lot more clouded than that.

[danny345]

It doesn't seem clouded from this end of things. She clearly is young, immature and wants to have fun. She also sees what she has with you and wants that too. I don't pretend to know all of what is going on but she doesn't appreciate what she has with you, otherwise she wouldnt have 'messed up' those times she has and might I say, she knows you want her -- She knows you will take her back.

[BC1980]

I appreciate her actions are saying that. I cannot understand why she tried desperately to win me back though, and eventually succeeded in doing so? And why she continues to maintain contact. I mean, if she did truly want to let go once and for all, why on earth is she still making contact and still wanting to see me?

When I was at her age and in a 7 year relationship at the time, I turned my back on it and never once regretted the decision, or gave the girl any hope of reconciliation. This relationship just seems a lot more clouded than that.

 

She may want to keep contact, but that doesn't mean she wants to be in a relationship. She could have any number of reasons for maintaining contact: sex, a buddy, to keep you on the hook in case she changes her mind, guilt. There are many reasons people will stay in contact when they have no intentions whatsoever of being in an actual relationship with you. My ex pulled this exact thing, and I was like you. I couldn't understand why he would stay in contact. I thought, surely, if he saw no hope of reconciliation, why did he want to be "friends" and see where things went. Why did he need time and space and was "confused" if he had no intent to reconcile?

 

When I had ended relationships in the past, I never contacted the person again. So I was confused like you, but one thing I learned very quickly is that just because I would proceed a certain way after a relationship ended, had no bearing on what my ex would have done. She might have an entirely different idea of how to proceed after it ends.

 

If I were you, I would go NC. No communication at all. Move on from this. You have tried for a second chance, but there has to be a limit. Don't waste more time going for a third.

[thedills05]

I can (believe it or not) see it all from an objective point of view. I think I do, once and for all, need to draw a line under all of this. i think the hardest part is knowing that I was almost 100% over her when she got back in touch last summer. Whilst I do not regret the first 4 years of our relationship, I truly regret the last year. Such wasted time.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, if she does once again try and make a play for me, I am at least armed with the knowledge that we have been here before and it just doesn't work.

[BC1980]

I can (believe it or not) see it all from an objective point of view. I think I do, once and for all, need to draw a line under all of this. i think the hardest part is knowing that I was almost 100% over her when she got back in touch last summer. Whilst I do not regret the first 4 years of our relationship, I truly regret the last year. Such wasted time.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, if she does once again try and make a play for me, I am at least armed with the knowledge that we have been here before and it just doesn't work.

 

Don't beat yourself up for giving her a second chance. What's done is done, and they sometimes work out. But you're right about not going for a third. That would be a huge gamble that probably won't pay off.

[H245]

I can (believe it or not) see it all from an objective point of view. I think I do, once and for all, need to draw a line under all of this. i think the hardest part is knowing that I was almost 100% over her when she got back in touch last summer. Whilst I do not regret the first 4 years of our relationship, I truly regret the last year. Such wasted time.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, if she does once again try and make a play for me, I am at least armed with the knowledge that we have been here before and it just doesn't work.

 

I gave my ex gf FOUR tries within a year and a half time. It never worked out as she left me at the drop of a dime each time. If it didn't work the second time, it sadly will not work ever.

[thedills05]

A third time would indeed be a massive gamble and one I don't think i would be prepared to take. I actually started to see a therapist immediately prior to this breakup, recognising that I did have clingy and needy tendencies when she became withdrawn at times. The therapist said it would be good for me to write my feelings down, so I think I will continue to post here, in a bid to get things off my chest.

 

In my therapy session, we discussed today my ex's and my inability to truly let go of one another. On the one hand, I can recognise that permanently blocking her number and email is the best course of action. On the other, I just cannot bear to visualise never hearing from her again. I just don't want to fully let let go of her...just yet.

 

I do recognise now that contacting her is in no way beneficial to my cause. All this does is give me an initial feeling that everything is ok, followed by more hurt and withdrawal symptoms. I sit here writing this now, knowing that if I was to call her, we would both end up wanting to see each other but ultimately, would be no further forward in this mess. Whatever happens from here on in, I need to work on getting over her and maybe she really has to work on getting over me, rather than falling back on me when she has her inevitable doubts.

 

These breakups are never easy are they?

[BC1980]

A third time would indeed be a massive gamble and one I don't think i would be prepared to take. I actually started to see a therapist immediately prior to this breakup, recognising that I did have clingy and needy tendencies when she became withdrawn at times. The therapist said it would be good for me to write my feelings down, so I think I will continue to post here, in a bid to get things off my chest.

 

In my therapy session, we discussed today my ex's and my inability to truly let go of one another. On the one hand, I can recognise that permanently blocking her number and email is the best course of action. On the other, I just cannot bear to visualise never hearing from her again. I just don't want to fully let let go of her...just yet.

 

I do recognise now that contacting her is in no way beneficial to my cause. All this does is give me an initial feeling that everything is ok, followed by more hurt and withdrawal symptoms. I sit here writing this now, knowing that if I was to call her, we would both end up wanting to see each other but ultimately, would be no further forward in this mess. Whatever happens from here on in, I need to work on getting over her and maybe she really has to work on getting over me, rather than falling back on me when she has her inevitable doubts.

 

These breakups are never easy are they?

 

I remember when the thought of never seeing my ex again was unbearable. I couldn't fathom how that could happen. I accepted it day by day until it became pretty easy actually. Now, I have no desire to see him again, and I never thought I would get to this place. It can happen, and it will for you over time.

[thedills05]

I do know from last year that it does happen, I really was in a place where I genuinely wouldn't have been bothered to have not heard from her again. It was as if she could sense that somehow, as 2 days after thinking this, she reached out to me once more.

 

I have had a text from her this afternoon - "I want to have sex again xxxxxx", I haven't replied and that in all honesty probably sums up what she wants from me from here on in... the occasional no strings meet up. Not for me thanks.

[BC1980]

I do know from last year that it does happen, I really was in a place where I genuinely wouldn't have been bothered to have not heard from her again. It was as if she could sense that somehow, as 2 days after thinking this, she reached out to me once more.

 

I have had a text from her this afternoon - "I want to have sex again xxxxxx", I haven't replied and that in all honesty probably sums up what she wants from me from here on in... the occasional no strings meet up. Not for me thanks.

 

Yeah, she's making it pretty clear that is all she wants. I'm sure she will contact you again when you don't respond.

[thedills05]

It's almost comical to think that in the run up to our break up, my ex was very much off of sex, maybe once a week, if that. Yet since the breakup, it seems to have reignited this side of her. Crazy to think that just 4 weeks ago, she was spending the summer with me and all was apparently fine. 4 weeks down the line, we are broken up again and I have now become a 'no strings sex' option to her. All very perplexing.

 

I have been contemplating a number of things that were mentioned in my therapy session earlier today. I mentioned some of my girlfriends family problems and personal problems and she said that they would almost have definitely contributed to the way she is currently behaving and how she has behaved in the past.

 

Part of me wants to reach out to her and suggest that she may want to seek the help of a therapist. Ultimately, this is not my problem now though.

[BC1980]

It's almost comical to think that in the run up to our break up, my ex was very much off of sex, maybe once a week, if that. Yet since the breakup, it seems to have reignited this side of her. Crazy to think that just 4 weeks ago, she was spending the summer with me and all was apparently fine. 4 weeks down the line, we are broken up again and I have now become a 'no strings sex' option to her. All very perplexing.

 

I have been contemplating a number of things that were mentioned in my therapy session earlier today. I mentioned some of my girlfriends family problems and personal problems and she said that they would almost have definitely contributed to the way she is currently behaving and how she has behaved in the past.

 

Part of me wants to reach out to her and suggest that she may want to seek the help of a therapist. Ultimately, this is not my problem now though.

 

I wouldn't suggest a therapist. She would probably be offended and not even realize she may have a problem. My ex had loads of problems because he had dealt with a lot of loss and abandonment in his life, and I suggested therapy to him. He pretty much shrugged it off and would never have believed he had a problem. He was very arrogant like that though, so I wasn't surprised.

 

My ex was perplexing as well. Not a month before he dumped me, he was planning on us getting married that summer. I honestly don't understand that type of mindset, and I never will. He had a history of doing that type of thing though. My trust in him had eroded over time to the point that I barely believed anything he said regarding future plans. It bothered me for a long time, but I finally had to wash my hands of it. It's no longer my problem, and it's a waste of time to try to figure out another person's issues. The best thing to do is walk away and concentrate on yourself, as difficult as that is at times.

[hestheone66]

Try weaning yourself by starting to see other women just asually. Seems like you both are insecure and use sex to feel connected. Propose a casual hookup type arrangement. One or both of you wikk likely find someone and you can more easily move on. Beware of getting or pushing for any other relationship at this stage. Just distraction and replacement so you do t just run back to each other to get your jollies. Seems like she probably cannot see herself as a sexual being without shame so hooking up with you serves her self image of ' not a slut'.

[Ronni_W]

My question here really is, how am I to proceed?

Listen to your own good advice! Why not?

Let the "dust settle" and give her all the time and space that she needs to "come out of her haze and confusion".

 

That means, according to your own post, NO CONTACT until she finishes her final year of uni.

YOU need to be strong and stay in control of yourself, in this. Tell her of your decision, and your resolve and determination to stick to it, this time. Then block, delete, unfriend, unfollow...at least until end of the school year. If YOU don't take control, then the dust won't settle long enough; and she won't have the time or space that she needs if she is going to figure-out what she wants. (She can't miss you if you won't go away.)

[thedills05]

I have every intention of going away now. And today for the first time (since last time) I really don't feel the need to pursue her or the want to hear from her. She really did mess this one up. I am already dating other girls and they are all happy to see me again and enjoy my company, and I theirs. She had a good thing with me and will regret it one day.

[thedills05]

I have had a dominant thought for the last 2 days, I do not want to get back with my ex. I think this was aided by me receiving a missed call from her back on Wednesday, followed an hour later by an angry text telling me not to be in contact with her again. I of course couldnt resist but call her back.

 

She explained on the phone that she was feeling incredibly stressed and upset and felt she could only speak to me to feel better. I pointed out that I was no longer her 'go to guy', she got angry and basically hung up. She rang the following day and proceeded to claim that all her actions over the last 2 years were a direct result of my behavior and that basically, the situation we are in now is of my doing.

 

She went on to say that I made her incredibly unhappy the last 2 years. If that is the case, she is a very good liar as I was under the impression we were having a pretty good time.

 

I find is very odd how she can be almost off loading all blame onto me? Her remorse in the initial stages of the breakup seems to have all but disappeared.

 

I hope the "i dont want to be back with her, ever" thought remains with me. This carry on is all too stressful.

[thedills05]

Only a day following the last 2 comments, I feel like I have slid back on my thoughts again. I woke up throughout the night wondering what the ex was up to, whether or not I will hear from her again and finally woke this morning fighting the urge to contact her.

 

I will 100% not be the one to initiate contact and have even managed to now block the ex's number through my phones software. This break up malarky never gets easier, does it!?

[BC1980]

Only a day following the last 2 comments, I feel like I have slid back on my thoughts again. I woke up throughout the night wondering what the ex was up to, whether or not I will hear from her again and finally woke this morning fighting the urge to contact her.

 

I will 100% not be the one to initiate contact and have even managed to now block the ex's number through my phones software. This break up malarky never gets easier, does it!?

 

But you also don't need to receive contact either. It's not just about not initiating it. You called her back, and she got what she wanted. To lay all the blame on you to make herself feel guilt free. It's fine if she wants to do that, but you don't need to be available to listen to it. Giving her any time drags you back into the drama.

 

She sounds all over the place emotionally, which is normal after a breakup. However, she needs to find someone else to vent to while she is moving on. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to make contact to apologize at some point. You need to block her completely from your life at this point because there is nothing else to discuss that will be of benefit to either of you.

[thedills05]

She is defo all over the place emotionally. Sent a text to me Saturday AM, stating that she missed me and cuddles etc and that she hoped I didn't feel as upset as her. I didn't reply. She then sent a text later in the evening asking if I had stopped talking to her, again I didn't reply.

 

Why is she doing this? My theory is she probably wants to keep me as some form of backup which I simply refuse to be.

[Diezel]

Don't worry about the "why". She's just doing it for herself, whatever reason that might be. Worry about what YOU do and your response to everything.

 

There will be good days and bad days but stay strong to your conviction of not wanting to go back to her.

 

The emotional manipulation will get stronger and stronger until it's absolutely gone.

[BC1980]

She is defo all over the place emotionally. Sent a text to me Saturday AM, stating that she missed me and cuddles etc and that she hoped I didn't feel as upset as her. I didn't reply. She then sent a text later in the evening asking if I had stopped talking to her, again I didn't reply.

 

Why is she doing this? My theory is she probably wants to keep me as some form of backup which I simply refuse to be.

 

She's trying to feel less guilty as well. Notice how she wanted to make sure you didn't feel bad. I'm sure she's actually more concerned with herself and how she feels. And yes, the old needing you for a backup plan is common too. All of these things are right out of the dumper's handbook.

[thedills05]

Yesterday was an absolute nightmare. A detail I have previously not mentioned - we bought a puppy together back in August (when all was fine). I have been looking after him since she returned to uni and the plan was for him to live with us when we were moving in together next year. Obviously things have changed drastically since then. I want to hold onto the puppy and have grown very attached to him, unfortunately she has other ideas.

 

Her new method of attack yesterday was to request to come and pick him up with her mother Friday, spend the weekend with him and drop him back Monday. As I was at work and could not be bothered with the hassle of a text argument, I called her and said she could see the dog, with the intention of telling her and her mother on Monday that it will not be happening again and that she has to say goodbye.

 

Unfortunately that was not the only topic of conversation. She cried a lot and said she was at rock bottom, that she would like to see me again to spend some time together. She asked if I had been dating/ seeing other people. I said I had (I never like lying). She then went on a tirade, saying I was "obviously doing fine" and that she would leave me alone. She then sent a series of texts basically asking how I could be moving on so quickly and how I could manage to be dating again so soon.

 

What on earth is up with this girl? I mean, I would never have been doing any of these things had we not have broken up a month ago. How can she have expected me to be waiting around, keeping myself to myself after what she had done?!

[Diezel]

Like I said, stop trying to analyze her behavior.

 

Look at the pattern:

She leaves you to sleep with a guy. That's ok.

You go out one dates after the break-up. She goes next-level bonkers.

 

That's just the way it works sometimes. A lot of times the dumper gets hit in the pride sector of their body when they see that the dumpee is doing that much better, that much quicker.

 

That tirade was her showing you her true colors again. Do NOT get back with her.