I need , stuck in limbo. 5 yr relationship.

[Dopefish333]

My ex and I were together for 5 years. We lived together for the last year. (she's 23 I'm 25)We broke up a little over 3 months ago and it was mutual. I did no begging, no pleading, no random calls, I gave her a lot of space as I needed it too. We needed to step back too see where our problems were. We broke up because things did get boring..predictable and weren't moving forward. I did neglect her a little too, she just lost interest. I had a problem with stimulants that made me edgy, thus making me angry at dumb things and it did upset her. I also had a problem with video games but since then iv laid off. The first month we talked a little here and there, nothing really about the relationship, just being friendly. I went NC for the following entire month because that's what I read from all the "experts", the entire month we didn't talk, she didn't contact me because she thought I was mad at her (long story) and she was afraid to contact me, i did run into her a couple times and she seemed really depressed. The 3rd month I initiated contact and she was happy to hear from me wishing me all the best. We then started talking, I presume because she knew I wasn't mad at her. I haven't been contacting her unless she does. She has been wanting to hang out almost every weekend. Going out to dinner, movies ect. (we split the bill, she is good with that) She isn't dating anyone, neither am I. Things are NOT moving forward at all, I have tried to make some moves on her and she takes it in..but we just end up hugging and saying our goodbyes after we finish hanging out. She knows I have improved too, I have told her I'm feeling great now that I'm off the stims and my mood is way better, she's really happy to hear that. (I used to take stims for my workouts BTW)

 

 

Its fracking hard. I'm stuck in limbo, we have talked about our relationship a little here and there. She gives me all these hints that she hasn't done anything with anyone. I have NOT asked. I feel like even though I'm playing this as smooth as i can, things still arnt going to move forward unless I go NC. We get along GREAT when we are together. I don't do favors for her, or be really nice and sweet, I act my same old flirty and fun way, but i still think this is hurting my chances because we are hanging out.

 

 

I know if i go NC she will want to know what's up, i don't know how to plan this, she knows that i want to reconcile and that i have improved myself for the better. Thing is..i have turned her down to hanging out too, I do stand on my own 2 feet and she knows it. I'm very independent.

 

 

I want to try NC out and see how she reacts (i know she's going to wonder WTF is going on here and I'm going to feel terrible ignoring her, she's too sweet for me to treat her like this)

 

 

Again, i give her a lot of space and don't contact her unless she does to me. I am not pushing her to do things, we go days without texting sometimes. The texts are short and to the point too. So I'm not messing up there. I'm not sure if she freakin wants me to show up at her house and announce my feelings or if I should back off and see how she reacts. A lot of people have fuel to ignore there ex (cheating, abusive) I have none of that, we were best friends when we were together.

 

 

I really need someone's opinion

Edited October 27, 2014 by Dopefish333

[Personally Me]

Hi Dopefish,

 

I am fairly new here, too.

I am sure others will be here soon to help you through this.

 

the entire month we didn't talk, she didn't contact me because she thought I was mad at her (long story) and she was afraid to contact me

Why do you want to do NC again, you already know how she will react. She will think you are mad at her and she will be afraid to contact you.

 

I also had a problem with video games

Have you solved this problem. Laying off video games is temporary.

 

she knows that i want to reconcile and that i have improved myself for the better.

Does she? It seems you are sending her mixed messages.

 

I'm not sure if she freakin wants me to show up at her house and announce my feelings or if I should back off and see how she reacts.

I think you should tell her how you feel first, and then back off and see how she reacts.

[Dopefish333]

Thanks for the reply, ya I don't think nc is going to work and will further push her away. I think maybe I need to contact her more because I hardly am and only responding too her when she texts. I need to express more interest. I'm just afraid of rejection I guess. I'm in a healthy state of mind too, 1.5 months ago I was a mess. Now I can feel like I can talk to her with ease. She does seem happy around me.

 

Maybe I should just tell her how I feel, we did kind of talk about it but it was through text and was over a month ago. I'll have to find a way to word it.

[Dopefish333]

Any other opinions?

[LifeNomad]

Going no contact from what i understand is to help urself heal and move forward a little faster whether with her or without.

 

U gotta show her uve changed it seems u may have been to aggressive at times if she was afraid u were mad at her.

 

It seems she just wants to be friends and u still have feelings for her as more than friends, which u cant be just be friends because of thise very feelings.

[Dopefish333]

I knew that NC was to improve yourself, right now I AM improving myself in everyway except being in contact with her and putting a road block on recovery.

 

 

I think she's just afraid of being hurt again, or things going back to where they were before. I understand that, I also don't want them to go back to where it was before. She knows that I'm focusing on myself, I'm going through the process of becoming a police officer and she knows how much it means to me, she's happy for me, as she states. Its tough to show someone you have changed without actually telling them (which I know telling them is a bad move). Its also tough to move on when there's no fuel to drive you to ignore her except to only heal yourself and from prolonging the hurt. I think my only course of action is too tell her how I feel then give her space.

 

 

By the way, she has YET too see me in any form of a break down state, every time she has seen me, I have been (or faked) in a good mood.

 

To leave her behind hurts really bad, what we have is fixable. I want it too work. I did read the law of attraction a couple times, but every time I thought about not contacting her "not the part about focusing on yourself, because I AM doing that very well at the moment" it hurts me to know that It may have a bad impact on her, as It did already when I used NC the 2nd month of our breakup.

 

I did shoot her a text today (or yesterday, its after midnight) to ask how she was doing, we texted for a bit, was a good convo about our day, then I ended it. Anyways, ill keep this updated, call it a journal if you will.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Dopefish333

[lolablue17]

Don't start NC only to test her reaction. Don't play games.

 

I think you can't avoid raising the main issue. If you are afraid of rejection, talk to her and tell her that "you think you should both get to NC mode because this situation of you two hanging out is fragile. What if one of you meets someone else? It's complicated and since you've broken up, it's best for both of you to stay NC.

 

Don't announce - Talk to her. If she wants you back, she will find the way to reach you. If she cooperate, there's your answer. Move on and stay NC.

[Personally Me]

It seems most everyone's advice is to talk to her and then decide if NC is needed to move on.

Perhaps if you are scared to share your feelings, you can approach it in a different way....Ask her how she is feeling? You may still be rejected but it might be an easier way to open the topic.

You know how you feel and you want to know how she feels, so ask her.

[Dopefish333]

Thanks for the replies guys. That's exactly what Im going to do, I'm going to ask her how she feels then take it from there.

[Dopefish333]

I told her how I felt a couple days ago, and I'm wicked happy on how the delivery went. I felt really strong and my words came from a good place. I felt confident, and genuine. She was happy to hear I realized where we went wrong, and seemed impressed. For some reason she had to note AGAIN, but this time directly, that she was not planning on finding anyone to date any time soon, I acted like I wouldn't care either way. I told her its best if we don't hang out anymore. She didn't seem to mind.

 

 

I know for a fact she's going to contact me about something, not sure how to deal with it when it arrives. If she does ask to hang out though and doesn't mention anything about any "talks" then I'm going to respond to her "What is it that you want to get out of us hanging out". Is that a bad idea?

Edited October 31, 2014 by Dopefish333

[Dopefish333]

This weekend we texted everyday, we were almost talking as if we were together again. She initiated contact Friday and Sunday (today), I did on Saturday. Our conversations didn't last too long. Unfortunately I'm not healing though because of this. I wonder if talking to her like this is ruining my chances of reconciliation. The whole "she wont miss if you are talking to her" or the "she is losing respect for you". I hope this isn't the case. All that maters is my health at this point, even though I'm not fully healed I still feel ok talking to her.

 

 

Also is there a mod that can change my title too I need help, stuck in limbo. 5 yr relationship.

[Dopefish333]

I wanted to come back a post about what's been going on lately. Me and my ex are back together and things are better than ever. Our new relationship is doing well because we talke about all of our issues and where we each went wrong. The thread was only started on the 27th of October but we broke up back on July 21st and the worst time period was late August into September. I'm not really sure on what advice to give because a large part of getting an ex back is how SHE feels. There are a great deal of things I did do to help though, I wrote out an entire list of things I wanted to improve on. I also wrote out things I wanted my partner to improve on, she doesnt know I wrote this, but we did discuss them. I kept busy doing other activities and focusing on my career.

 

I also never pleaded or begged once! This was the hardest part, she never saw me break down at all, when I ran into her she saw me confident and doing well. For about 1.5 to 2 months I also become very unavailable to her. Towards the end of the breakup I did fall for "breadcrumbs" or maybe they weren't? She never said things like I miss you or want you back, they were just small talk. Asking me how my day is blah blah. After a few weeks of breadcrumbs, one day she texted me that he wished she could have cuddled the night before but didn't. This actually got me mad, at this point I was into the mad and angry phase already. I started to write in another thread called "back with good news" about this, and someone told me to type to her somthing blunt. I literally texted her we need to figure out what's going on between us, do you see us getting back together? Yes or no?. She texted back yes but not right away. I ignored her the next couple days. She SHOWS up at my work while I'm on break eating and sits down with me telling me she wants to work on things and to take it slow which I agrreed to.

 

I swear the moment i had the vision to move on and accept it she noticed and made a move. Where as before when I was distant I really didn't want to be but I faked it, this time I was mentally ok about moving on. I also want to add if you are curios, she didn't date anyone, no sex, nothing. I believe her, as she is very honest. Although it wouldn't have mattered because we were broken up. So we started off very slow. Meeting up just here and there, then recently she has been staying the night, not every night. I gotta tell you though, holding her in my arms again was amazing. I don't want people to read my thread and think that breadcrumbs mean they want you back, my case is rare, she actually had the thought of coming back and there wasn't a third party. Again I did "Optimise" my situation to haste the recovery but that was it. I could have been needy and clingy and she still may have came back because of her feelings, or maybe not.

 

I typed this on my phone, a lot of spelling mistakes.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Dopefish333

[Dopefish333]

I wanted to come back again because I don't think anyone ever comes back after they eather get over there ex or get back together. My girlfriend and I are still going strong to this day. Things aren't perfect but they sure are way better. I've improved since the breakup and I've kept my problems out of the way. I don't play video games around her ever. Not even once and I'm happy to say that because that was a problem. Also my anger issues are gone and iv learned to deal with situations on a different light (I'm not talking about ours, just daily dealings in general) I don't really have anything els to talk about, my last post didn't seem to get any replies, but if anyone has any questions about there situation or maybe mine, go for it.

 

Edit: I do have to say though, you do really look back and think about all the stupid stuff you worried about. Strange things you did and what not.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Dopefish333

[ApexTitanium]

Its good you guys were able to work it out, and you kept strong and didn't beg. I doubt I'll be able to fix my relationship....she wants to be friends, and I feel that id be the one making all that effort. Past two months she contacted me about 3-4 times. Rest was all me and she never asks to hangout. So I'm just moving on.

[Flabreakup]

I'm trying to move on but really don't want to. It's been five weeks broken up after four years. We have a two and a half year old. She got pregnant in just a few months of seeing each other. I drank a lot too and complained about this and that all stupid stuff that doesn't even really matter now. Didn't really beg but did bring up the relationship when we talked about the baby to first three weeks or so. We have to see each other almost daily because of the baby.

 

We never actually dated before she got pregnant and I think I just didn't know how to be a good man and treat her the way she deserved. Now I havent drank since the day she left and have no desire too. She did move out of our house but still talks about maybe or we'll see or I don't know kind of stuff the last time the relationship was brought up. Her best friend is a friend on mine and says some days she wants to try and others she doesn't. She told me once she wanted to see if I drank if there was no hope for us. I think she's really not sure what she wants but that she needs time on her own to figure that out. And to see if I go back to the same ole stuff but she was talking to an ex after we broke up but said that was a mistake. He has a wife and kid already. I think she just wanted to feel wanted or something.

 

Because we have a baby and I know my screw ups I do have hope but at the same time I try to be realistic and move on. Friends have said the minute u really don't care about her anymore is the day she'll want to try again but I'm not sure that day will come that I don't care.

 

You played it cool so I'm doing that now and just letting what will happen happen but every time I see her my heart drops and I'm sure it shows on me.

 

Your a lucky man to get the one you want back and I wish you the best.

[darkbloom]

How did you get to the place where you were ready to let her go and move on? That is my hardest struggle. I just want to let it go.

 

 

Any advice would be most helpful.