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It seems like he's planning an exit strategy... [Updated]


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married2school

Some background... Been dating a guy in my medical school class. We just celebrated our one year anniversary last week over our fall break. I am 24, and he is 34.

 

This past weekend we got into a pretty intense emotional conversation where he ended up telling me he was still having issues with a conversation we had eight months ago.

 

After a few months into our relationship I asked if he saw marriage in his future. He knew my relationship history, and I simply very clearly explained I didn't want to date a perpetual bachelor. He said he did want to get married in the future, but then the conversation just continued when it shouldn't have. Too much details were shared way too soon. He started acting weird, and a week later I found out it was because he had this "false image" or "false persona" of me now.

 

Fast forward to this weekend - this is what he was referencing. He told me he still has this "false image" of me. He straight up asked me if I wanted to marry him. Simply put, I don't want to marry him right now, but I acknowledge the possibility that I could want to in the future. I want to leave possibilities open and let things develop naturally.

 

He told me he didn't really see this lasting after medical school. He also said he is afraid of losing his identify, that he feels competitive with women, and when I asked why he didn't want to break up with me, among a myriad of compliments he said, "You put up with my ****."

 

Right now, we have decided to take a space break. We are currently discussing scheduling a time a few weeks from now where we can ask each other questions and share insight in order to decide if we should remain in the relationship - or doing couples therapy. My plan is to journal a short list of concise questions until then that kind of hit at things I really need to know to make my decision to stay or go.

 

We have treated this very much like a serious long term relationship. If you asked most people in our class, I would think they would say we were adorable, seemed to get along great, and complemented each other well. That is true most of the time. Which is why it hurts me to think I'm actually considering breaking up with him... but, for him to have an exit strategy and an expiration date, really doesn't seem fair to me. He doesn't even seem to be in a relationship with me anymore; it's more of that "false image" he has of me.

 

Thoughts?

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I'm confused here...

 

You said you didn't want to date a perpetual bachelor, but when he asks you if you wanna marry him, you say "no".

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ThorntonMelon

He sounds dreadful to me, and the opposite of adorable in my eyes. I don't think someone that wishy washy is worthy of anyone's commitment.

 

You put up with his ----, not he loves you, not he desires you, but because you do something for him.

 

You should consider it a blessing he might not marry you. He'll make someone very unhappy with his selfishness someday. I hope its not you.

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married2school

I don't know if this clarifies, but my intentions were to convey I didn't want to marry him right at this moment. There are a lot of time constraints in second and third year of medical school that would make that extremely difficult, and I also feel like there just needs to be more time and relationship growth before decisions like that are made. Fourth year is a lot more relaxed. I would want to respect and consider my time in medical school as well as allowing plenty of time for the relationship to grow regardless of who I was in a relationship with.

 

If things were to last two more years until we are about to graduate, I see myself as completely okay with the possibility of continuing the relationship as we move forward to the residency portions of our training. And I am open to the idea of marriage as well. If that was what would happen naturally and what felt right, I want to pursue that possibility.

 

My issue lies with that he has basically expressed already he doesn't see us even dating past graduation. To me, unless you are in a casual relationship, if you already don't see yourself dating someone, then you don't need to be in that relationship; especially in the setting of medical school, it just seems to be a waste of time.

 

To me, it would appear his fear of commitment is what is keeping him from leaving his possibilities open. Not some issue of incompatibility. It seems silly to continue for two years only to be even more emotionally involved.

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So, he asks you if you want to marry him, but doesn't see this RL going past your graduation from medical school?

 

Still doesn't add up to me...

 

I think it's getting late....I must be tired.

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sdrawkcaB ssA

1 year and you have not reavaluated your understandings and plans for your relationship??? My LDR and I have had 4 reavaluations in our 3 plus year relationship. Each one was when we reached a new plateau. In some ways we built alot on personal protection between each other. Not realizing that we needed to drop protecting the other and allow them to a accept change in our dynamics.

 

Going from friends to lovers, and knowing we have separate lives that may never be shared as one between us, to allowing what would complicate and detour a relationship to become accepted and not be the burdon it once was thought of.

 

The big thing is allowing trust to grow deeper so you both can grow together. You can't just run on love in autopilot. You will need to adjust accordingly to how things move along. Keeping small issues set asside will make bigger issues later.

 

take time to have an open discussion on needs, wants, and goals to be worked on together. As a relationship is commitment two must share as one.

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married2school
So, he asks you if you want to marry him, but doesn't see this RL going past your graduation from medical school?

 

Still doesn't add up to me...

 

I think it's getting late....I must be tired.

 

I'm sorry... It would probably make more sense with more background of course, but I am trying my best not to be long-winded on here because I tend to get that way. :o

 

He asked - and has asked a couple of times since our conversation eight months ago - "What do you want [in life and/or from me]?" and some derivation of "Do you want to marry me?" Though this time was the most straight-forward. It's not QUITE rhetorical... the best way I can describe it is a way for him to express and point out that he does not see that happening. This is a guy when I asked if we could split the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) between our families this year, he got aggravated and told me he felt pressured. "Do you want to marry me?" is very much a "Your opinion about relationships and the future makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable. Please, acknowledge what they are, realize they aren't the same as mine, and don't burden me with them." .... "But I want to continue to date you until we graduate because you're intelligent and attractive and put up with my ****."

 

1 year and you have not reavaluated your understandings and plans for your relationship??? My LDR and I have had 4 reavaluations in our 3 plus year relationship. Each one was when we reached a new plateau. In some ways we built alot on personal protection between each other. Not realizing that we needed to drop protecting the other and allow them to a accept change in our dynamics.

 

Going from friends to lovers, and knowing we have separate lives that may never be shared as one between us, to allowing what would complicate and detour a relationship to become accepted and not be the burdon it once was thought of.

 

The big thing is allowing trust to grow deeper so you both can grow together. You can't just run on love in autopilot. You will need to adjust accordingly to how things move along. Keeping small issues set asside will make bigger issues later.

 

take time to have an open discussion on needs, wants, and goals to be worked on together. As a relationship is commitment two must share as one.

 

I feel like I have tried to initiate "evaluations" similar to what you described. There have been conversations, but they only turn into arguments because to a large extent, he refuses to look towards the future at all. I feel I have personally grown a lot in the past year because of dating him, but a ton of it has been because I have been willing to work on my issues. I have some anxiety problems that have been exacerbated by med school. I took up yoga when he suggested going with him. I got a therapist this summer. I've grown, and my life has been better because of working on these things.

 

But him... he almost says at times, "This is how I am."

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I don't know if this clarifies, but my intentions were to convey I didn't want to marry him right at this moment. There are a lot of time constraints in second and third year of medical school that would make that extremely difficult, and I also feel like there just needs to be more time and relationship growth before decisions like that are made. Fourth year is a lot more relaxed. I would want to respect and consider my time in medical school as well as allowing plenty of time for the relationship to grow regardless of who I was in a relationship with.

 

If things were to last two more years until we are about to graduate, I see myself as completely okay with the possibility of continuing the relationship as we move forward to the residency portions of our training. And I am open to the idea of marriage as well. If that was what would happen naturally and what felt right, I want to pursue that possibility.

 

My issue lies with that he has basically expressed already he doesn't see us even dating past graduation. To me, unless you are in a casual relationship, if you already don't see yourself dating someone, then you don't need to be in that relationship; especially in the setting of medical school, it just seems to be a waste of time.

 

To me, it would appear his fear of commitment is what is keeping him from leaving his possibilities open. Not some issue of incompatibility. It seems silly to continue for two years only to be even more emotionally involved.

 

No one fears commitment. It's a myth. What people fear is settling.

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Fast forward to this weekend - this is what he was referencing. He told me he still has this "false image" of me. He straight up asked me if I wanted to marry him. Simply put, I don't want to marry him right now, but I acknowledge the possibility that I could want to in the future. I want to leave possibilities open and let things develop naturally.

 

He told me he didn't really see this lasting after medical school. He also said he is afraid of losing his identify, that he feels competitive with women, and when I asked why he didn't want to break up with me, among a myriad of compliments he said, "You put up with my ****."

 

Right now, we have decided to take a space break. We are currently discussing scheduling a time a few weeks from now where we can ask each other questions and share insight in order to decide if we should remain in the relationship - or doing couples therapy. My plan is to journal a short list of concise questions until then that kind of hit at things I really need to know to make my decision to stay or go.

 

We have treated this very much like a serious long term relationship. If you asked most people in our class, I would think they would say we were adorable, seemed to get along great, and complemented each other well. That is true most of the time. Which is why it hurts me to think I'm actually considering breaking up with him... but, for him to have an exit strategy and an expiration date, really doesn't seem fair to me. He doesn't even seem to be in a relationship with me anymore; it's more of that "false image" he has of me.

 

Thoughts?

He seems really insecure going by the bolded. At the age of 24, I think you would benefit from more dating experience, to get to know men a bit more. He seems immature for a 34 year-old. Guys by that age have kids, fight wars, etc and he is bitching about losing his identity and competing with women. I mean I get that we all get insecure about different things at any age but he should be handling his own a bit better. He sounds like someone 10 years younger.

 

Plus I think you are right (smart girl) he is trying to dig himself out of any kind of commitment/pressure/etc even though it's completely what's expected of someone in their 30s. The ability to make a decision and not hark back to something that was discussed months ago.

 

Not someone I'd want to live with, personally.

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The whole ordeal sounds very cold and mechanical. You guys are talking about marriage like it's a business transaction and not like something that involves emotion.

 

This guy has clearly displayed his incompatibility with you over the course of a year.

 

Are you sure this thread isn't about YOUR exit strategy?

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When a man asks a woman to marry him, it's usually make or break for the relationship. If she says yes, everything is hunky dory. But he has basically just told you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and asked you if you feel the same. If you say "no" or "maybe" or "later" or in fact anything other than a loud and clear "yes", it's a huge slap in the face. He's going to feel rejected, vulnerable and awkward, and basically he knows that you are nowhere near as committed to the relationship as he is. After a year together... that would make any man withdraw and plan an exit strategy. He probably feels that he's wasting his time because if you're not committed after a year, when will you be?

 

Also his age, he is 34. Women are not the only ones with biological clocks, if he wants children then he needs to start thinking about that and taking steps towards making it happen. Most men want to have kids before they are 40, otherwise they are almost 60 when the kid leaves home. Which means he has 6 years to find someone, build a relationship, get married, build a life together and get to a stage where kids are possible. You're uncommitted after 1 year - how much longer should he wait?

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Look, I'm going to give it to you straight, he's already said he doesn't see your relationship lasting after medical school. He does not see any long term potential to this relationship. I don't see the point in wasting your valuable time (you're in medical school for goodness sakes) on a man for which you are a mere convenience.

 

And yes, I would say he is the perpetual bachelor type just from what you've written here coupled with his age.

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He told me he didn't really see this lasting after medical school. He also said he is afraid of losing his identify, that he feels competitive with women, and when I asked why he didn't want to break up with me, among a myriad of compliments he said, "You put up with my ****."

 

Thoughts?

 

What a load of balls.

 

What he has just said is. I am with you because you will put up with anything I throw at you and I can still get laid. I don't need to try or to bother because you still put out.

 

You are a convenience to him. Bit like having a shop round the corner so you can pick up milk. No problem if its not there but great so you don't have to get off your bum and go into town.

 

For goodness sake get rid and find someone that actually cares for you. Don't bother with all this meet up to discuss balls, just end it so you can grieve and get on with it.

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OP - I don't see anything on either side that would justify continuing this r/s, except perhaps as a r/s of convenience during the rest of medical school. Neither of you appears at all loving or attached, based on what you have said. Instead, it's more like an awkward business negotiation between two parties either of whom has a lot of reasons to walk away from the deal and look for something better.

 

When you find the right man, or he finds you, you won't need or want this kind of unpleasant negotiation. A few whispered words may be all it takes for both of you to know with certainty that you are together for the duration. It will feel right, and more importantly, you will both want it so you will make it happen.

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From what I understand from your story he asked you if you wanted to marry him and you gave him the impression of not now; but maybe someday. I think he asked you if you wanted to marry him so he could tell you that this wasn't going to happen with you. It sounded terrible but I think he was being honest with you so you won't get your hopes up to marry him. He also said he doesn't like being competitive with women. This makes me think you are the smarter one (doctor to be) and he is too insecure to have a smart wife competing in the same career as him. He probably wants to marry a woman without great career ambition who wants to be a SAHM and worship being married to a doctor. I think you need to break up with him ASAP because he doesn't love you and you deserve so much better than him. He is just using you for his needs while he is in medical school.

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The whole ordeal sounds very cold and mechanical. You guys are talking about marriage like it's a business transaction and not like something that involves emotion.

 

This guy has clearly displayed his incompatibility with you over the course of a year.

 

Are you sure this thread isn't about YOUR exit strategy?

 

I was gonna say the same thing! There is no mention of marrying the person because you love him, want to spend your life with him, can't see yourself without him. I found that very odd. You said that if you had been together a few more years, marriage would be a reasonable decision to consider. Like a job offer or something.

 

I think you possibly don't love him all that much. It sounds more like you enjoy being with him, so you might as well consider marriage in a few years.

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married2school
He seems really insecure going by the bolded. At the age of 24, I think you would benefit from more dating experience, to get to know men a bit more. He seems immature for a 34 year-old. Guys by that age have kids, fight wars, etc and he is bitching about losing his identity and competing with women. I mean I get that we all get insecure about different things at any age but he should be handling his own a bit better. He sounds like someone 10 years younger.

 

Plus I think you are right (smart girl) he is trying to dig himself out of any kind of commitment/pressure/etc even though it's completely what's expected of someone in their 30s. The ability to make a decision and not hark back to something that was discussed months ago.

 

Not someone I'd want to live with, personally.

 

Thanks. This is very much how I feel. Granted a lot of my own maturing has come as a result of this relationship, it often feels to me like he is so much younger than he is.

 

The whole ordeal sounds very cold and mechanical. You guys are talking about marriage like it's a business transaction and not like something that involves emotion.

 

This guy has clearly displayed his incompatibility with you over the course of a year.

 

Are you sure this thread isn't about YOUR exit strategy?

 

In the past when I have posted on here, I tend to be sort of long-winded. I think in trying to keep my original post short and straight-forward, it probably does come off as mechanical. A lot of my frustration with the situation comes from feeling like when I allow my emotion and feelings to develop naturally about the relationship he sees it as an inconvenience. We were mountain biking around New Mexico last week, and I "let it slip" that "This would be a cool place for us to live." When he complained, I found myself apologizing for it. Another friend of mine in med school has been dating a guy for a similar length of time, and they are already discussing moving to Denver.

 

Yes, in a way this thread is about my exit strategy... I told a friend last night that it feels like he has already broken up with me. It just so happens it isn't today or this week, but instead, it's two years from now. If that is indeed what he is planning to do, then I think I owe it to myself to protect myself from any more emotional involvement and hurt and just get out as soon as I can, as best I can. But in addition to all of that, I was sort of curious about people's interpretation of his behavior, and mine for that matter... I'm definitely not perfect.

 

When a man asks a woman to marry him, it's usually make or break for the relationship. If she says yes, everything is hunky dory. But he has basically just told you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and asked you if you feel the same. If you say "no" or "maybe" or "later" or in fact anything other than a loud and clear "yes", it's a huge slap in the face. He's going to feel rejected, vulnerable and awkward, and basically he knows that you are nowhere near as committed to the relationship as he is. After a year together... that would make any man withdraw and plan an exit strategy. He probably feels that he's wasting his time because if you're not committed after a year, when will you be?

 

Also his age, he is 34. Women are not the only ones with biological clocks, if he wants children then he needs to start thinking about that and taking steps towards making it happen. Most men want to have kids before they are 40, otherwise they are almost 60 when the kid leaves home. Which means he has 6 years to find someone, build a relationship, get married, build a life together and get to a stage where kids are possible. You're uncommitted after 1 year - how much longer should he wait?

 

Very confused by your interpretation of this. :confused: I stated a couple of times that he has made it pretty clear that he likely doesn't see our relationship lasting beyond our graduation from medical school, and the other night he went as far as to say he didn't see himself married to me. Up until this point in the relationship, I have been the one to want to see it last beyond medical school and see if we could make it work long term, with the potential for marriage.

 

The reason I posted all of this, and the very reason I am considering breaking up with him is because after one year together if you are in a serious relationship with someone, you should see some potential there. I'm on no fast track to get married, but I would at least like to be dating someone who isn't already planning to break up with me.

 

What a load of balls.

 

What he has just said is. I am with you because you will put up with anything I throw at you and I can still get laid. I don't need to try or to bother because you still put out.

 

You are a convenience to him. Bit like having a shop round the corner so you can pick up milk. No problem if its not there but great so you don't have to get off your bum and go into town.

 

For goodness sake get rid and find someone that actually cares for you. Don't bother with all this meet up to discuss balls, just end it so you can grieve and get on with it.

 

Interestingly enough, I usually want to have sex more than he does. If I try to initiate anything too close (within a few days to a week) of an exam time, he says he can't have sex because he needs to focus on other things. Everything is sort of focused on what he wants and when he wants it. It's a bummer to say that it has sort of taken me stepping away to see it all.

 

From what I understand from your story he asked you if you wanted to marry him and you gave him the impression of not now; but maybe someday. I think he asked you if you wanted to marry him so he could tell you that this wasn't going to happen with you. It sounded terrible but I think he was being honest with you so you won't get your hopes up to marry him. He also said he doesn't like being competitive with women. This makes me think you are the smarter one (doctor to be) and he is too insecure to have a smart wife competing in the same career as him. He probably wants to marry a woman without great career ambition who wants to be a SAHM and worship being married to a doctor. I think you need to break up with him ASAP because he doesn't love you and you deserve so much better than him. He is just using you for his needs while he is in medical school.

 

I have been wondering about things like this and have written them down as something to ask if we do end up having some sort of discussion. Very interesting to hear that from such little information I provided that someone also had the same insight. Thank you. And yes, that is very much why he asked. That's sort of what I've been trying to convey to everyone and apparently suck at doing. :laugh:

 

I was gonna say the same thing! There is no mention of marrying the person because you love him, want to spend your life with him, can't see yourself without him. I found that very odd. You said that if you had been together a few more years, marriage would be a reasonable decision to consider. Like a job offer or something.

 

I think you possibly don't love him all that much. It sounds more like you enjoy being with him, so you might as well consider marriage in a few years.

 

-sigh- I see where a lot of you are coming from. Recently, my attitude has sort of been a 180 based on a lot of the realizations I have had about myself and about our relationship. If you would have talked to me a month ago, I would probably say a lot of this very differently. We've been best friends this year. Most of the time we've been great support to one another among the stresses of school. We do a lot of our hobbies together - cycling and yoga. We took time to grab coffee often during the week after class before studying. He attended my masters graduation out of state with my family and I, and I showed him around one of my favorite cities. There were bumps, and probably warning signs, but I was under the allusion that everything was great. There are still moments where he is the amazing guy that I mustered the courage to ask out a year ago and where he's the same guy who shyly invited me to the symphony on a second date. And I do love him. But I don't think I can continue to let myself love him in that way only to have my heart even more broken two years from now. I'm smarter than that.

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OP, it doesn't sound like either you or your boyfriend communicate very well with each other, because you give each other mixed messages. He first tells you he doesn't see the relationship lasting past med school graduation, yet then he brings up marriage as a possibility. You ask him to commit, yet you turn down his marriage proposal.

 

Mixed message galore!

 

I think you two need to consider breaking up right now, and to finish your med school program separately. You don't need space. You need separate lives at this point.

 

"Space" is just a generic term used when the end of a relationship is eminent. And most of the time, the person who requests the space from their partner has a hidden agenda, and doesn't have the courage to just be straightforward. Instead of saying "I want to have sex with so-and-so instead of you," they say, "I think I need some space," or instead of "I want to breakup with you because you're a terrible person," they say, "I think I need some space," or "You're a commitment-phobe and wasting my time but I love the sex with you, instead becomes "I need some space." So I view that whole "space" concept as a passive-aggressive attempt to end the relationship without having to do the dirty work. Having space in someone's life means staying in someone's life but not making an effort to repair or maintain the relationship.

 

Telling someone you need space, is the same as saying you don't want to be in the relationship with them anymore, but are too weak to just say that instead. It leaves the other person confused and isn't a very mature way to end a relationship. It's what insecure people do to breakup with their partners.

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married2school
OP, it doesn't sound like either you or your boyfriend communicate very well with each other, because you give each other mixed messages. He first tells you he doesn't see the relationship lasting past med school graduation, yet then he brings up marriage as a possibility. You ask him to commit, yet you turn down his marriage proposal.

 

Mixed message galore!

 

I think you two need to consider breaking up right now, and to finish your med school program separately. You don't need space. You need separate lives at this point.

 

"Space" is just a generic term used when the end of a relationship is eminent. And most of the time, the person who requests the space from their partner has a hidden agenda, and doesn't have the courage to just be straightforward. Instead of saying "I want to have sex with so-and-so instead of you," they say, "I think I need some space," or instead of "I want to breakup with you because you're a terrible person," they say, "I think I need some space," or "You're a commitment-phobe and wasting my time but I love the sex with you, instead becomes "I need some space." So I view that whole "space" concept as a passive-aggressive attempt to end the relationship without having to do the dirty work. Having space in someone's life means staying in someone's life but not making an effort to repair or maintain the relationship.

 

Telling someone you need space, is the same as saying you don't want to be in the relationship with them anymore, but are too weak to just say that instead. It leaves the other person confused and isn't a very mature way to end a relationship. It's what insecure people do to breakup with their partners.

 

I'm confused here. It wasn't a marriage proposal. Any time I have been asked what I want or if I see myself marrying him or if I want to marry him, it has been in the context of pointing out that he does not see that happening. It is always brought up to point out that I see it as a possibility and that because I think of it as a possibility that I am pressuring, nagging, and abnormal.

 

I understand your comments about space, and I agree with them. If it was entirely up to me, I would have probably had another conversation this week, asked my questions, and this might be all settled. But, we have an exam on Monday, and he doesn't want to do that. So I was trying to be polite by saying we could arrange a time for it that didn't interfere as much with school. I think at this point I know what is going to happen, but the last thing I want to do is be passive aggressive. If I wanted to be passive aggressive, I would ignore what happened completely and eventually just let this whole thing slowly burn. But, I also don't want to be rash and drive over to his house right now and break up with him without hearing what some of his answers to my questions might be. And I can tell you right now that if I did do that, if I did drive over to his house to have this conversation right now, he would refuse to answer anything I asked him because it is an inconvenience to him at the moment.

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married2school

I just reread his anniversary card to me out of curiosity of how it fit together with things he said the other night.

 

Dearest [name],

 

Wowsa! What a year!! I am so very thankful you had the balls to ask me out. I am also thankful that you do not have balls! I suppose that wasn't a very romantic thing to write, but I hope it made you laugh a little. Thank you for laughing at and with me. Thank you for being patient with me and continuing to go deeper into our wonderful friendship.

 

You are so incredibly smart, thoughtful, and considerate of most stuff, and I am so grateful we are in each other's lives. I love that you are willing to try new things, and that you are positive about all your experiences! You are such a fun, enjoyable personality! I love you [name], and I enjoy our time together, thoroughly. Thank you so much for asking me to go hiking a year ago! :) You are an awesome person (and a truly excellent writer; I'm sorry/not sorry I stole your format)!! [stole the format of how I wrote his anniversary card - we didn't exchange cards at the same time because mine was late coming in from Etsy]

 

Happy one year to you, beautiful!

 

[name]

 

So. Much. Confusion.

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If you must, see if you can get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to continue things long term with you. It's more than just not wanting to marry you - it's wanting to not continue a relationship with after it's no longer convenient.

 

Personally, I wouldn't waste the energy, but I think you need closure if it can be obtained.

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If a guy I'd just invested myself in a relationship with for a year wrote me that card, I would have ripped it up and thrown it out along with the relationship, because that guy is an ass.

 

If we were to read between the lines of his card:

 

*He makes a crass joke about you not having balls

*He calls you his friend, but not his girlfriend

*He basically admitted to copying the card format you wrote on your card to him because he was too lazy to go out and buy a card, so his anniversary card was late because he ordered it online (that's just weird)

 

I don't really know why you stuck it out for a year with this guy, when it's so clear from this card he doesn't really view you as a girlfriend. Basically, he views you as a space-filler; someone he can sleep with and do social things with while he trudges through med school: for the convenience. If he viewed you as someone more serious, whom he really truly cared about, he would have written you quite a different card.

 

Please, break up with this guy he's definitely not relationship material (and likely never will be). Yikes.

Edited by writergal
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No one fears commitment. It's a myth. What people fear is settling.

 

You know what? I agree with you ^^ and thought about it....

 

I don't have fear of being with one person (commitment)...I have other fears (i.e. will he take my money and leave me dry, if I have kids will he leave us one day).

 

So yea, I mean the OP's bf pretty much said it - he said he didn't want to lose himself.

 

But I think I "now" know what may be going on here...

 

(1) When he asked the OP 'Do you wanna marry me?' I don't think he did it cuz he was proposing, I think he was asking her what "she" wants with him. So, he gave her the heads up that he isn't what she wants cuz even though she wants to eventually get married - after graduation, he's done. I mean, it isn't uncommon for people just to date during medical school and move on to get their "upgrade" in a spouse.

 

(2) He wants her to marry him, but since she wants to wait till after medical school, he feels like she's really not into him and is wasting his time. So, upon graduation, it's over for him.

 

So, which is it? Door #1 or #2?

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married2school
If a guy I'd just invested myself in a relationship with for a year wrote me that card, I would have ripped it up and thrown it out along with the relationship, because that guy is an ass.

 

If we were to read between the lines of his card:

 

*He makes a crass joke about you not having balls

*He calls you his friend, but not his girlfriend

*He basically admitted to copying the card format you wrote on your card to him because he was too lazy to go out and buy a card, so his anniversary card was late because he ordered it online (that's just weird)

 

I don't really know why you stuck it out for a year with this guy, when it's so clear from this card he doesn't really view you as a girlfriend. Basically, he views you as a space-filler; someone he can sleep with and do social things with while he trudges through med school: for the convenience. If he viewed you as someone more serious, whom he really truly cared about, he would have written you quite a different card.

 

Please, break up with this guy he's definitely not relationship material (and likely never will be). Yikes.

 

He's ordered the two past cards on Etsy because they have been Star Wars themed, and he knows I love Star Wars. I ordered his on Etsy too because it was a diagram of a heart and reminded me of us being doctors.

 

But everything else. You pretty much nailed on the head I think.

 

heartshaped also said it pretty well. I think I want to ask him these questions I've been writing down because I want some closure to it all.

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