He's calling . . . how to proceed?

[waiting4u]

Sorry this is so long, but it’s complicated.

 

My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) came over to spend the night last night after a night out with the guys (he was a little drunk) and we ended up fighting over something sort of stupid. I thought he was being terribly insensitive and got angry. He decided to leave, so I told him if he left, he should never come back ever again. His insensitivity has been endemic for some time now and I was fed up. I don't yell, but in my anger and frustration, I threw a beer bottle across my outside deck (not at him specifically, I just threw it because I was angry – not my finest moment). He texted on the way home that we should talk about this breakup thing tomorrow and not be rash, said he was disturbed that I threw something, but I was angry and said it was over between us.

 

This is, he is a strange man. I love him dearly, but he often comes across as not only insensitive, but child-like, socially awkward, single-minded, and sometimes even downright mean. He doesn’t appear to understand proper social behavior or people’s reactions to his behavior. He says he has had problems all his life with “seeming mean without intending to” and has trouble fitting in and holding down relationships (36 and never been married, and he has few friends). He’s very single-minded (work work work work work), often has one-sided conversations (he talks, I listen, and it is basically a monologue about his work), and can be inexplicably hurtful at strange times.

 

Other times he is sensitive, loving, sweet, works hard to find ways to communicate with me so that I feel more loved and cherished, apologizes for all of our fights (even when they are not his fault), has tremendous love and respect for his family (whom I have met several times), does little things like bring me flowers and buy me lingerie, takes me on vacations and special dates, tells me how I make him happy, etc. He talks a lot about the future, even though we have been together only 5 months, and I really thought he was “The One” – a man I might marry some day.

 

Here’s the HUGE THING: A while back he said he’s afraid to have children because they might have something wrong with them like Aspergers syndrome. I found that bizarre, and assured him that was unlikely. Since then I’ve done some research on Aspergers and suspected he might have a mild form of it. However, he’s been to see a therapist recently (one session – hardly enough for a diagnosis) and he told me the therapist suggested he might be narcissistic, which scared the crap out of me. Thing is – he takes so much responsibility for his mistakes, that I find it hard to believe he’s a narcissist (I’ve known a true narcissist and they are vindictive, self-righteous, socially graceful, and NEVER admit they are wrong). That’s not the case with him. He can be so loving and thoughtful – and at the same time so oblivious to my needs.

 

I haven’t contacted him, but I’m wondering what to do at this point. He hasn't contacted me and I don't expect him to because he will want to respect my decision. If he truly loves me and really just has difficulty understanding how I feel, should I dismiss him as an unfeeling, soulless monster? (I realize I’m being hyperbolic) I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and I’m hurting like crazy right now.

Edited October 21, 2014 by waiting4u

[d0nnivain]

heat of the moment decisions are rarely the most rational. However, you said there have been recurring problems for a while & they just sort of bubbled up to the break up last night, which is understandable if you have been trying to hold your resentment in check.

 

Think long & hard about what you want & the issues in your relationship. Then do sit down with him to calmly set out what has to be happen for you to go forward or to express why there is no sense in staying together.

[waiting4u]

I thought I was supposed to go No Contact after a breakup?

 

I've been hurting a lot because of his "emotional neglect," so to speak, and his single-mindedness about work (he owns a business that is rapidly growing and he is stressed a lot about it - plus 12-14 hour days 6 days a week, etc.). Plus the random grumpiness and inability to process my emotions at all have been just awful. When I talk about my emotions, he shuts down the conversation immediately - makes a little sense if he doesn't understand them, but it feels manipulative sometimes and I don't understand him much either.

[ASG]

I thought I was supposed to go No Contact after a breakup?

 

I've been hurting a lot because of his "emotional neglect," so to speak, and his single-mindedness about work (he owns a business that is rapidly growing and he is stressed a lot about it - plus 12-14 hour days 6 days a week, etc.). Plus the random grumpiness and inability to process my emotions at all have been just awful. When I talk about my emotions, he shuts down the conversation immediately - makes a little sense if he doesn't understand them, but it feels manipulative sometimes and I don't understand him much either.

 

There are no rules. People here are quick to say "You need to go No Contact", but the truth is, it's just a potentially helpful tool. Not law. I never stopped talking to my exes. At least not in a "I'm never speaking to you ever again and won't reply to your calls/texts/whatever".

 

My last ex, we still spoke somewhat regularly after the break up, and even hung out sometimes. We were both clear we didn't want to get back together and we were moving on, but still enjoyed each other's company.

 

So think about it, and I think you both deserve some closure, and a break up that is just "if you leave, don't come back" is really not closure.

[2sunny]

Based on your history he hasn't met your emotional needs.

 

There's not much promise that he intends to meet YOUR needs.

 

I vote for standing firm on ending it.

 

You can't MAKE HIM change.

 

You two don't look like a good match.

[Keenly]

Without knowing details its really hard to say.

 

 

Did he say something insensitive or did you INTERPRET something he said as negative?

 

 

 

Was he being a D bag or did you freak out on him for no reason?

 

 

 

I can tell you right now that using a threat to keep some one in an argument is a huge no no. You know how you defuse a hostile situation? You leave the scene. You told him you better not leave or were done. That's pretty messed up.

 

 

I speak from experience when I say that in guy land, when a woman breaks up with you over a stupid fight, we interpret that as " well... she must not have cared about me that much "

 

 

The specifics are in the details you did not provide.

[d0nnivain]

NC is a healing tool. It's not an automatic reflex. You two have too many open Qs for you to just disappear but can if you like.

 

I prefer some level of closure. Even if you don't get emotional closure / satisfaction from talking to him at least you will both be fully aware that it's over because you will have articulated the reasons which he needs to hear. Right now he thinks its a spur of the moment snap judgment thing that you didn't really mean. It's unfair to leave him hanging since he reached out.

 

If he keeps reaching out & pestering you & not listening then you can ignore him but for now, this one final conversation, if you ever cared about him at all, be polite & end it formally.

[waiting4u]

Based on your history he hasn't met your emotional needs.

 

There's not much promise that he intends to meet YOUR needs.

 

I vote for standing firm on ending it.

 

You can't MAKE HIM change.

 

You two don't look like a good match.

 

If you only knew - it's not that we're simply a good match, it's like we were designed for each other. Our personalities can be amazingly complimentary - we even seem to fit together physically - we are each other's "type" to a T). We have a tremendous passion for each other - it's just all of this has built up for a while now. He works out of town sometimes too, which makes me feel crazy neglected, particularly because he has trouble expressing his emotions verbally (via phone or whatever).

 

I'll stand firm if I need to. I just hate to throw it away . . . maybe I'm just in denial.

[2sunny]

So first you stated that he had major deficiencies that were important to you.

 

And now you defend his defects.

 

Why not be on your own for a long while? Find the reason why you want to overlook the signs that a man isn't a good match for you.

 

Since you seem to need verbal communication and he's not capable of providing it I say stay broken up.

[waiting4u]

Without knowing details its really hard to say.

 

 

Did he say something insensitive or did you INTERPRET something he said as negative?

 

 

 

Was he being a D bag or did you freak out on him for no reason?

 

 

 

I can tell you right now that using a threat to keep some one in an argument is a huge no no. You know how you defuse a hostile situation? You leave the scene. You told him you better not leave or were done. That's pretty messed up.

 

 

I speak from experience when I say that in guy land, when a woman breaks up with you over a stupid fight, we interpret that as " well... she must not have cared about me that much "

 

 

The specifics are in the details you did not provide.

 

He was being awful. Add alcohol to someone who has no concept of whether or not he is being insensitive (and I'm really starting to believe this Aspie thing -

it makes so much sense, plus he brought it up himself, which makes me think there may have been a diagnosis in childhood or something).

 

He was being unbelievable from the moment he walked in the door. He kept cursing and discussing inappropriate topics when he knew my children were sleeping in the other room. He said my eyes looked "weird" and then proceeded to have a conversation with his dogs and me simultaneously, such that I wasn't sure whether or not I was the one being referred to as a "dog." When I spoke to him about my day, he basically ignored me while doing something on his laptop, even when I asked a direct question several times (and when he was sitting right next to me). The final clincher was when he called my hometown (where all my family lives) the "most disgusting part of the country." Even when I told him this bothered me, he persisted that it was "disgusting" and when he visited there it was "all mud and dirt" (it's a farming community). Some other things had happened earlier in the day - he dropped off his dog at my house, who was injured, for me to deal with while he went back to work because he was "so busy." He also telephoned earlier in the day, talked about his work for 20 minutes (I honestly did not get a single sentence in), and then hung up abruptly to take another call. It was just TOO much - all I wanted was to go to sleep that night with his arms around me (we had been apart the last couple nights), and after all that BS, he gets up and leaves (denying me basically the one thing I wanted).

 

Oh yes, I was angry. It seems petty, but all of it combined it was a bit overwhelming.

Edited October 21, 2014 by waiting4u

[2sunny]

I can't see how this man is magically going to consider your feelings and make you his priority.

 

And you kept his dog so he could go out drinking? And then he proceeds to talk terribly about your family and upbringing?

 

Can you see he's a user and an insensitive jerk?

 

I'd cut all communication so fast! It would at least give me some time to gain clarity about the kind of man I want to attract.

 

And it would give me the space to proceed with finding a more suitable match.

 

A match for emotional depth is important to me. I hope it is for you too.

[waiting4u]

I can't see how this man is magically going to consider your feelings and make you his priority.

 

And you kept his dog so he could go out drinking? And then he proceeds to talk terribly about your family and upbringing?

 

Can you see he's a user and an insensitive jerk?

 

I'd cut all communication so fast! It would at least give me some time to gain clarity about the kind of man I want to attract.

 

And it would give me the space to proceed with finding a more suitable match.

 

A match for emotional depth is important to me. I hope it is for you too.

 

I hear you. I often keep his doggies because one of them is very old and he travels often and it is hard on the dog to go to the kennel. I don't mind it - it's just that one had been injured that morning and I had enough on my plate that day.

 

My POINT and question here is that I really think he has Aspergers syndrome and thus his insensitivity is not due to him being a jerk, but rather an illness that makes him unable to identify when he is hurting people's feelings. It's been going on all of his life. There are also so many times when he has demonstrated deep affection, emotion, and been very considerate towards me. I've been reading a book on Aspergers and these men are just wired differently. I'm not meaning it as an excuse for his behavior - some of my friends (and his best friend, who I spoke with late last night) have also noticed that he can be a bit "odd."

[2sunny]

I heard you the first time.

 

 

So you recognize he's emotionally bankrupt. Yet you require a highly in tune man emotionally. So why continue at all knowing he won't fulfill your basic needs?

[waiting4u]

God, what have I done. This hurts like f***ng hell. But he didn't give me a choice!?! I mean, who can just ignore that kind of behavior. I'm a human being! I deserve to be treated like a human being.

 

Sorry I'm completely falling apart.

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear you. I often keep his doggies because one of them is very old and he travels often and it is hard on the dog to go to the kennel. I don't mind it - it's just that one had been injured that morning and I had enough on my plate that day.

 

My POINT and question here is that I really think he has Aspergers syndrome and thus his insensitivity is not due to him being a jerk, but rather an illness that makes him unable to identify when he is hurting people's feelings. It's been going on all of his life. There are also so many times when he has demonstrated deep affection, emotion, and been very considerate towards me. I've been reading a book on Aspergers and these men are just wired differently. I'm not meaning it as an excuse for his behavior - some of my friends (and his best friend, who I spoke with late last night) have also noticed that he can be a bit "odd."

 

You are excusing his behavior. If it's something he can't control because of the Apsberger's, then what makes you think it's going to magically change? The Apsberger's isn't going away. Either you deal with the bad stuff to keep the good stuff or you find someone who can give you the good stuff without having as much of the bad stuff. He's not going to magically transform into the person you want him to be. Either you can deal with it, or you can't. And it's not an incrimination on you if you can't -- you shouldn't have to. But staying in the same situation and hoping and praying that he'll change his personality with a flick of a magic wand is a waste of time.

[waiting4u]

Yes, I'm the big bad person who dumped her boyfriend and now regrets it. I broke up with my ex during a big fight night before last and yes, he acted like jerk and I'm still pretty angry with him, but I really regret the breakup - it was in the middle of an argument. I still think we can work it out. I just felt like he was taking me for granted, plus he was drunk and being a jerk. I want an apology for his acting so awful that I got mad enough to break it off.

 

I don't want an on-again off-again relationship and I'm sure he doesn't either. That's just stupid. We've had our problems but I love him so much. What I did was in the heat of the moment - a lot of anger had built up over several days and I blew up a little bit (not that he didn't deserve it).

 

Anyway, I don't want to talk to him on the phone yet. Partially because I'm still very angry, and I'm also scared he's going to say he doesn't want to get back together. He's like that - always tries to stay friends with his exes.

 

I know I'm supposed to go no contact, but I broke down last night about 2am and texted something to the effect of "why did you have to ruin something so good." He texted back this morning and asked if he could call me. I said no, give it time because I'm still so angry.

 

We had another exchange this afternoon - I asked if he wanted to be Facebook friends again because I had deleted him. He said yes and added me immediately. Then told me about his dogs (one is sick). Thing is, I'm still pretty angry and lashed out - said it was "clever of him to be mean so I would break up with him, then he would be rid of me and not be the bad guy." And he said "clearly we are not ready to talk yet." Then I asked him if he had ever cared about me even a little bit, and he telephoned but I didn't pick up.

 

He also left a Facebook message telling me he had tried to call, and a voicemail that said "Hey, what's up, it's [the time of day] and I was just calling because the text messages, they're not necessary. I don't know what this is, but I'm not ready to answer those questions right now. Call me if you want to talk."

 

I can't talk. I'm so mad. Plus I feel like I should wait a while to talk to him so he can miss me. But now I'm so scared of losing him. Do you think we have any kind of chance? Maybe I should just go no contact for about a week? He hasn't initiated contact, only responded, but I think it's a respect thing. I told him to go away and he wanted to respect my wishes.Do you think he'll want to get back together if I wait a bit and let him miss me? I know he loves me - or did.

 

Please don't say we should stay broken up - I've already made up my mind.

[waiting4u]

And what if there's another girl? What if he was mean to try and get me to break up with him so he could be with another girl? He broke up with his last girlfriend to be with me.

 

I know most of you have been broken up with, so you don't have a lot of sympathy for me, but it was a terrible argument and I just don't want to lose him. What if he's replying just because he wants to be friends and affirm that it's over.

 

God, I'm so stupid. And apparently completely hysterical right now.

[CaliBabe]

You say you don't want to lose him, yet you are not answering his calls. You are asking what if he met another girl?

 

...Well if you communicate with him you would know if he met another girl.

 

It really sounds like you are playing games, and at a time like this, that is a big mistake.

 

If you want him back, communicate with him.

[BC1980]

You know who he is, and he isn't going to change. Do you want to live with that? If so, then proceed, and try to work it out. If not, at least call and tell him it's over. It seems kind of open ended right now, so I would at least have the decency to call and formally end it.

[NoLeafClover]

with a face like that, what guy wouldn't want to call?

 

All jokes aside, I think you are going through a rough patch of your ride roller coaster ride. Think of it as part of the deal you had to make when accepting a relationship ...there are highs and lows...right now you are on the "low" and it is totally normal...Give yourself some days. Try to focus on other things and when you feel better you can make a better decision. If he is contacting you like that, then he is not going to go anywhere during this time.

 

Give yourself a bit of time ...So if you decide to make any decisions, at least you won't beat yourself about it because you were breaking down.

[waiting4u]

Is it TOO MUCH to expect an apology? I mean, he was a complete jerk! And the man has apologized for every fight we've ever had, even when it wasn't his fault (I would always apologize too, I'm not evil or anything).

 

His voicemail says to call him, but I don't want to talk to him on the phone because I feel like he may talk me into taking him back immediately, and I just don't feel like that's a good idea. I love him, but he needs to realize that a lot needs to change and that his inconsiderate behavior is not working out for me.

 

I would be happy to apologize for my part in the argument - the ultimatum and throwing something in anger - but shouldn't he reach out first? He must know he was acting like a complete jerk.

 

It hurts a lot, but I don't want to just turn around and say "I regret breaking up with you let's get back together" after just a few days. I mean, he needs to get the POINT. I'm not trying to be dramatic, it's just that when you ask for change and don't get it - and then things get even worse - he needs to realize that if he doesn't change his behavior he will lose me.

 

I guess it bugs me that he's only ever responded when I reached out. He's never reached out to me. Do you think that means he doesn't even care that I broke it off?

Edited October 23, 2014 by waiting4u

[SoThatHappened]

You have 2 options, and I'm pretty sure which one you're going to go with:

 

1) Go full-blown NC on him and cut him out of your life completely. He acted like a jerk during a fight, he's taken you for granted, so you broke up with him. It doesn't sound like there was any infidelity, just a bad fight. It happens.

 

2) Contact him. Tell him your side of things. Tell him what you want to change about the relationship and try to work it out.

 

I haven't been here long, but I've read so many threads where advice is given and not heeded. So, I'm not really giving advice, just simply summing up your options.

 

You're going to try to fix the situation between you two. The writing is on the wall. But, should you? That is the question.

[2sunny]

Notice HE hasn't apologized?

 

I don't think there's one reason to take him back!

 

He's not been a good match for you. Don't be weak and settle. He's a jerk.

 

Stop second guessing it. You'll never find a decent or great man while attached to this jerk. Stay single and stand strong.

 

Your gut knew he was being terrible - follow your gut.

[waiting4u]

It just seems like he's not even trying. If he really wanted me back he would at least say he was sorry.

 

And yeah, I'm torn between those options. I was really pushed to the limit the other night.

[2sunny]

It just seems like he's not even trying. If he really wanted me back he would at least say he was sorry.

 

And yeah, I'm torn between those options. I was really pushed to the limit the other night.

 

He hasn't said he's sorry but more importantly he hasn't shown he will change his behavior.

 

Don't be his doormat any longer.