Arvanna Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 and then just throw it all away again? Our 1st breakup was extremely bad. We were together for 4 years and in our early 20's. I was depressed and suicidal after the breakup, and would call him every other week to beg for a reconciliation. Eventually I gave up and began working on myself and one year later Im finally happy and living my life. That was when he came back, saying how sorry he was and admitting to having GIGS. He claimed he's more mature now and at first I said all I can offer is a friendship. Eventually he won me over and I gave him a 2nd chance. Everything was good for a week or two until we talk about how I cant fully trust him yet because of how badly he treated me in the past. He got angry and said he hates conversations like this because it made him feel bad about himself. Things were bad for a couple of weeks then he finally dumped me again, saying he's not cut out for relationships. Why would he go through all that trouble to just hurt me again? He specifically said he's willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and make up for everything he did if I give him a second chance. I'm so heartbroken all over again and regret so much that I gave in when he broke NC. Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 and then just throw it all away again? Our 1st breakup was extremely bad. We were together for 4 years and in our early 20's. I was depressed and suicidal after the breakup, and would call him every other week to beg for a reconciliation. Eventually I gave up and began working on myself and one year later Im finally happy and living my life. That was when he came back, saying how sorry he was and admitting to having GIGS. He claimed he's more mature now and at first I said all I can offer is a friendship. Eventually he won me over and I gave him a 2nd chance. Everything was good for a week or two until we talk about how I cant fully trust him yet because of how badly he treated me in the past. He got angry and said he hates conversations like this because it made him feel bad about himself. Things were bad for a couple of weeks then he finally dumped me again, saying he's not cut out for relationships. Why would he go through all that trouble to just hurt me again? He specifically said he's willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and make up for everything he did if I give him a second chance. I'm so heartbroken all over again and regret so much that I gave in when he broke NC. He hasn't changed. He only told you he'd prove it to you, but once it came down to it, he became impatient, and wanted you to trust him right away, and resented the fact that you still didn't trust him. Just my theory. All I know is, if my ex gave me a second chance, I'd go all in, no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
intricate Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 and then just throw it all away again? Our 1st breakup was extremely bad. We were together for 4 years and in our early 20's. I was depressed and suicidal after the breakup, and would call him every other week to beg for a reconciliation. Eventually I gave up and began working on myself and one year later Im finally happy and living my life. That was when he came back, saying how sorry he was and admitting to having GIGS. He claimed he's more mature now and at first I said all I can offer is a friendship. Eventually he won me over and I gave him a 2nd chance. Everything was good for a week or two until we talk about how I cant fully trust him yet because of how badly he treated me in the past. He got angry and said he hates conversations like this because it made him feel bad about himself. Things were bad for a couple of weeks then he finally dumped me again, saying he's not cut out for relationships. Why would he go through all that trouble to just hurt me again? He specifically said he's willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and make up for everything he did if I give him a second chance. I'm so heartbroken all over again and regret so much that I gave in when he broke NC. He hasn't grown up yet. He has to learn that when you break someone's trust, it will take time to heal the wounds and that you must be patient with somebody after you hurt them so badly in the past. If all it took was one little conversation about how hesitant you are, then he really hasn't matured and he hasn't changed for the better. You were doing so well in the year that you weren't with him. Count your blessings and move on, and find yourself somebody who is ready to have an adult relationship with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Same thing happened to me. She hasn't changed the way she said she did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arvanna Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 Same thing happened to me. She hasn't changed the way she said she did. How did you cope with it? He hasn't changed. He only told you he'd prove it to you, but once it came down to it, he became impatient, and wanted you to trust him right away, and resented the fact that you still didn't trust him. Just my theory. All I know is, if my ex gave me a second chance, I'd go all in, no matter what. That's how I feel. Although he was the one that asked for a second chance, I feel like I was the one "going all in" to make this work while he wants us to go directly back to the good ole times without working through our issues 1st. He hasn't grown up yet. He has to learn that when you break someone's trust, it will take time to heal the wounds and that you must be patient with somebody after you hurt them so badly in the past. Thank you for reminding me this. He made me feel like I was in the wrong for still having trust issues. He accused me of being too emotional and "not wanting to have fun" since I wanted to address our past issues. If all it took was one little conversation about how hesitant you are, then he really hasn't matured and he hasn't changed for the better. You were doing so well in the year that you weren't with him. Count your blessings and move on, and find yourself somebody who is ready to have an adult relationship with you. Honestly, it wasn't just one conversation.. I brought it up once and he was patient enough to communicate with me. The second time I brought it up was when he started becoming distant (which brought up past fears since he acted just like this when he broke up with me a year ago). Part of me knew it was never going to work out anyway since I suspected he only came back because he hasn't found anyone else. No matter how confident he seems, he was always seeking attention from different women. I hate myself for not being able to get over him.. I've been going back and forth between crying and not caring. I can't focus on my studies at all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 He was blowing smoke up your butt. You said he treated you poorly in the past...he wants to continue treating you poorly. He's not cut out for relationships (At this point) and he is surely correct. He does not want to take any responsibility for his actions and he cannot handle an adult conversation about real issues. I understand your deep dissapointment and how hurtful that would be, but he would have hurt you so much more had you continued to have a relationship with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NoLeafClover Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 and then just throw it all away again? Our 1st breakup was extremely bad. We were together for 4 years and in our early 20's. I was depressed and suicidal after the breakup, and would call him every other week to beg for a reconciliation. Eventually I gave up and began working on myself and one year later Im finally happy and living my life. That was when he came back, saying how sorry he was and admitting to having GIGS. He claimed he's more mature now and at first I said all I can offer is a friendship. Eventually he won me over and I gave him a 2nd chance. Everything was good for a week or two until we talk about how I cant fully trust him yet because of how badly he treated me in the past. He got angry and said he hates conversations like this because it made him feel bad about himself. Things were bad for a couple of weeks then he finally dumped me again, saying he's not cut out for relationships. Why would he go through all that trouble to just hurt me again? He specifically said he's willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and make up for everything he did if I give him a second chance. I'm so heartbroken all over again and regret so much that I gave in when he broke NC. If you gave him a second chance perhaps it's not the right time to bring up how he hurt you. It is hard but you have to realize if you are taking him back, you need to come to terms and forgive about the past or else it will always come up in the future and he will always feel bad about himself. I understand you don't want to hurt again but right after a breakup things can't just go back to normal like nothing happened. That's why usually things are not the same after the first BU. It takes time to trust again and move on from the BU itself. I would say give each other some space and see where it goes from there. Link to post Share on other sites
dclan Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 and then just throw it all away again? Our 1st breakup was extremely bad. We were together for 4 years and in our early 20's. I was depressed and suicidal after the breakup, and would call him every other week to beg for a reconciliation. Eventually I gave up and began working on myself and one year later Im finally happy and living my life. That was when he came back, saying how sorry he was and admitting to having GIGS. He claimed he's more mature now and at first I said all I can offer is a friendship. Eventually he won me over and I gave him a 2nd chance. Everything was good for a week or two until we talk about how I cant fully trust him yet because of how badly he treated me in the past. He got angry and said he hates conversations like this because it made him feel bad about himself. Things were bad for a couple of weeks then he finally dumped me again, saying he's not cut out for relationships. Why would he go through all that trouble to just hurt me again? He specifically said he's willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and make up for everything he did if I give him a second chance. I'm so heartbroken all over again and regret so much that I gave in when he broke NC. You should be happy. This time it was you the one telling him "you are not good enough". Even though he did the actual dumping, you were the one who could not trust him. And it makes him "feel bad about himself", because it makes him realise he is a douchebag that ruined a perfectly good relationship. I agree with what was said above. He didn't change. He is still inmature. He wanted to get back because he missed you (or because life didn't turn out as expected). You had your second chance with him, something most dumpees wish would happen to them. But now you have to realise that you are better than him. That he is beneath you. That he couldn't change. Now he is going to live his life with the regret of having ruined the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
H245 Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Just like everyone has said on this thread, he has not changed at all. He came back to you possibly because you were familiar and a safety net. Probably had a falling out with some other woman. Either way, his actions towards you proved that he has not changed at all in the entire time you two were apart. My ex gf did that to me a couple of times. She wanted to work on our relationship, but didn't make the effort. She was the dumper too. You're better off. As hard as it is to see, you will in time. It's been 5 months post BU for me and I still struggle with realizing that I am better off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Same thing happened to me. All I can say is learn from it and move on. If he comes back promising "change" don't fall for it again. I know I sure won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 How did you cope with it? I'm coping with it now. I have mostly good days, some bad days, some OK days. Its all about realizing what they had lost. NOT what YOU lost....that THEY were the ones that lost YOU. You didn't mess up. They did. They didn't change the way they said, they didn't do what they said they were going to do, they didn't work on themselves and their happiness. You did. They don't deserve you/me. Just have to keep telling yourself this. You can't make them happy, they have to be happy with themselves. Realize what happened was the best possible outcome. Yeah, I miss her and want to be back with her -- but, would it be smart? Absolutely not. She had 3 months to work on herself, I though she did. A few weeks isn't going to change anything even if she did come back now. You deserve someone who is going to commit to you and want to be with you through thick and thin. This person wasn't that person for you--at least now. Maybe paths will cross again in the future, but, they need to evolve, change, into someone who you can trust, you can believe in, and who will want to work with you through things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arvanna Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 Going through the 1st stages of NC again is so painful. I want to reach out and talk things out as if him dumping me was just something he did out of anger; maybe that he's calmer now and will rethink his decision. Deep down I know that's not true, yet I know how easy it for me to break NC when I feel weak. Thank you everyone. It's still very hard for me to accept the breakup but I'll keep re-reading these in moments where I feel tempted to break NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 He just had no one else to fall back on and wanted to jump back into the comfort of a relationship with you. Once a "break up" has ensued, the relationship will never reach the level of trust that it had when it was completely intact. Link to post Share on other sites
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