What in world is he thinking?!

[kdj85]

My situation is so complicated. I broke up with my ex a year ago. I caught him cheating and immediately dumped him. We never had a great relationship because we did not communicate at all while we were together. He has a sordid past and struggles with emotional problems.

 

Over the year we have been broken up, we have attempted to be friends; however, I had trouble with letting go of my feelings for him. A couple of weeks ago, I reached out to him after we hadn't talked in a few months. I sent him an email explaining that I was in love with him (I had never told him before), but I now had a new perspective on our relationship. We had a very real discussion and communicated like we never have before. We told each other everything. He never loved me. It wasn't personal; he just has serious emotional issues.

 

I have been dating someone for several months that I also feel nothing for so I was basically explaining to him that I understand now how he felt. For the last few weeks, I've treated him like a friend in every way. I talk to him about dating (who I'm dating, who he's dating). I'm open and honest with him about my feelings. He knows I love him and that I'm not going to pretend that anything will ever come of it, so I don't ignore the fact that he dates. I've committed to getting over him and being friends. However, he still does things that i don't understand.

 

We live in the same city and have gone out together a few times since we started talking again. We usually crash together when we've been drinking, and lately, he's been trying to cuddle with me. He occasionally says flirty things, but I just write it off as he hasn't gotten used to the idea of treating me like a friend yet. He says that he's comfortable with me because I listen to him and don't judge. He also compliments me often...telling me I look nice, something I said was cute, bragging to his friends about how smart I am, etc. He also asked me to meet his best friend (who lives out of town...I heard about him constantly while we were dating and was never invited to go out with them or asked if I wanted to meet him).

 

Last night we were drinking, and he drunkenly hugged me and said "I care about you so much. I would never let anything bad happen to you." He also got excited when I broke up with my boyfriend. He constantly thanks me for hanging out with him, and he invited me to play on a trivia team with a bunch of his friends.

 

I guess I just want to know what everyone thinks.

 

What is he doing?

Edited October 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs for easier reading.

[mercuryshadow]

This guy is emotionally unavailable. Like any human being, though, he still has the capacity to care, and it seems he does care/is fond of you. I believe that is the most you will ever see from him. It may also be true that he will never change, no matter who he gets into a relationship with.

 

If you are holding out hope that he will have some sort of change of heart, I would cease all communication. You would be setting yourself up for more pain, and I do think you have the foresight to realize this.

[kdj85]

This guy is emotionally unavailable. Like any human being, though, he still has the capacity to care, and it seems he does care/is fond of you. I believe that is the most you will ever see from him. It may also be true that he will never change, no matter who he gets into a relationship with.

 

If you are holding out hope that he will have some sort of change of heart, I would cease all communication. You would be setting yourself up for more pain, and I do think you have the foresight to realize this.

 

 

You said exactly what I already knew and just didn't want to admit to myself. I think I've always hoped that my having faith in him would influence him to become a better, stronger person, but I'm sure that's naive. Thank you. Solid advice.

[d0nnivain]

I think he's using you. I think he's trying to take advantage of your love to set up a FWB situation. If you want that keep talking to him, keep drinking with him & keep cuddling with him because the end of that road is sex.

 

If you ever want to get emotionally healthy, stop being involved with him & figure out why after all these months you thought it was a good idea to tell this guy who cheated on you that you still love him.

[kdj85]

I think he's using you. I think he's trying to take advantage of your love to set up a FWB situation. If you want that keep talking to him, keep drinking with him & keep cuddling with him because the end of that road is sex.

 

If you ever want to get emotionally healthy, stop being involved with him & figure out why after all these months you thought it was a good idea to tell this guy who cheated on you that you still love him.

 

Well, that's unnecessarily aggressive. I'm not an idiot and certainly not a weak person or emotionally unhealthy. I know better than to have sex with him. Obviously, I stated that when I said that I am truly approaching this as a friendship. I also said he was "trying" to cuddle with me, so thanks for assuming the worst of me. I'm 29 years old. I've long since learned the lesson that you're trying to preach with eye-rolling emojis and passive aggressive advice. I told him that I love him because I knew he didn't love me, and I was in a situation with the guy I was dating where I realized that the guy was in love with me and I wasn't in love with him. I reached out to my ex to explain to him that I could now be more empathetic despite the fact that I don't agree with how things ended with us. Obviously, I'm no pushover. I dumped him a year ago and never took him back. I wouldn't take him back now and I certainly am not stupid enough to have sex with him. He absolutely knows that, and believe me when I say that he wouldn't waste his time trying to make me a FWB. He's incredibly good-looking and can have any woman he wants. For this reason, I'm trying to understand what is going on in his mind without offending him or seeming presumptuous. But thanks for what I'm sure is a very bitter and jaded response. Rolling your eyes and being rude isn't helpful. If we women can't stick together, wth do we do this for?

[d0nnivain]

Then good for you. Take some of that energy you just used to stand up to me & use it to take charge of your relationship with him.

 

Even though you say he tried to cuddle with you & you are now saying you stopped it the fact that this cheater is still in your life, that you consume alcohol together & end up in situations where cuddling is a possibility tells me that one night after a few too many, when you are feeling vulnerable / lonely & he's been continuously wearing you down you are going to give in then wake up & wonder what the heck happened.

 

I am trying to stick up for you when IMNSHO your 1st post indicated that you were unable to unwilling to stand up for yourself.

 

Your continued interactions with this man are not good for you. Continue down that road at your own peril. In the end, it's your life. Sleep with him. Take him back. Or kick him all the way out of your life forever but own your own decisions & make them understanding the consequences.

[mercuryshadow]

While I will not condemn you, I will say that a valid point to consider was brought up. A lot of emotionally unavailable/unhealthy men will engage in opportunistic behavior. I know this from my own experience. While he may not have the emotional capacity to love you, he would certainly not mind having sex with you if given the opportunity. Considering that, I think you've been wise enough thus far; even if you haven't been able to outright admit things to yourself, your gut certainly knows. I'd take some time to digest what you know deep down to be true.

[kdj85]

He cheated...that warrants getting dumped, which is exactly what I did. It doesn't warrant hating him forever. He's not a bad person. He just made a mistake. I appreciate that you were "standing up for me" and I didn't mean to convey in my post that I needed someone to stand up for me. In short I was just asking does anyone think he is wanting to be friends, because I am. I apologize for getting defensive.

[d0nnivain]

No. I don't think he wants to be friends. I think he wants to be FWB.

 

I can't see where continuing to have him in your life is doing you any good.

[ExpatInItaly]

He cheated...that warrants getting dumped, which is exactly what I did. It doesn't warrant hating him forever. He's not a bad person. He just made a mistake. I appreciate that you were "standing up for me" and I didn't mean to convey in my post that I needed someone to stand up for me. In short I was just asking does anyone think he is wanting to be friends, because I am. I apologize for getting defensive.

 

I don't think so, no. I think he is looking for some physical comfort and he now knows you're in love with him. Doesn't bode well for a true friendship. I wouldn't try to continue with him, or I see you becoming very hurt.

[Zahara]

He cheated...that warrants getting dumped, which is exactly what I did. It doesn't warrant hating him forever. He's not a bad person. He just made a mistake. I appreciate that you were "standing up for me" and I didn't mean to convey in my post that I needed someone to stand up for me. In short I was just asking does anyone think he is wanting to be friends, because I am. I apologize for getting defensive.

 

Cheating doesn't warrant you hating him forever, but it does warrant staying away from someone that disrespected you.

 

Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice.

 

You can't be friends if you still love him. And as much as you say you have a hold on this and that you can be friends, if that were the case, there should be no need to anaylze his words, his actions and his behaviors towards you. He's not looking for a friendship, but an opportunity to get what he wants from someone he knows is vulnerable.

 

You need to be honest with your limitations and your expectations.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Zahara