Mid twenties Male dumpers LTR: GIGS

[bb1205]

To all the male dumpers out there that have been in a serious relationship with a girlfriend they really saw potential in for the future, but then experienced GIGS. I would love a walk through of the emotions/stages you went through and how your situation was resolved. I.e. you either got back together or went your separate ways.

 

Thanks guys!

[CaliBabe]

I'd be interested to see what insight is given also...

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

My opinion here. Google "training wheels" and read (and be depressed).

 

I also dislike the idea of "GIGS" as a Thing; while LoveShack has a lot of good advice, the whole GIGS idea is really off the mark. Wanting to get out there and see what the world has to offer is a perfectly legitimate reason to break up with someone, especially when you're young. It's not a syndrome, it's curiosity, and it's natural.

Edited October 20, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[April Moon]

My opinion here. Google "training wheels" and read (and be depressed).

 

I also dislike the idea of "GIGS" as a Thing; while LoveShack has a lot of good advice, the whole GIGS idea is really off the mark. Wanting to get out there and see what the world has to offer is a perfectly legitimate reason to break up with someone, especially when you're young. It's not a syndrome, it's curiosity, and it's natural.

 

I believe that too many people on this site believe the source of their breakup is from GIGs. I think it is a good theory that is overused. I believe many people want to associate GIGS to their breakup because that would imply that their dumper will regret what they did... Sadly this is not the case for many.

[lauri]

Most breakups happen due to loss of interest. Its as simple as that - you continuously do things that push the girl away and make her lose interest in you.

 

GIGs occurs once the person you are with interest level starts to drop...but maybe not to the point where they have zero feelings for you, but enough to jump ship to someone else. I think that regaining someones interest in you is very hard...regardless of the reasoning behind a breakup, its difficult to start fresh and look past everything.

[Emilia]

People change a huge amount in their 20s. Many say you shouldn't be considered a fully developed adult until you hit 25 because it's roughly around that time that the brain finishes its development.

 

I think a lot of people during this time outgrow their relationships and look for something different. I also think that a lot of younger women think that they won't have more than one or two relationships before they get married while younger men often don't share that view.

[stillafool]

I think a lot of people during this time outgrow their relationships and look for something different. I also think that a lot of younger women think that they won't have more than one or two relationships before they get married while younger men often don't share that view.

 

I agree with this. Young men want to date as many attractive women as they can before they marry. They usually start to settle down with a girl they will marry around 27, 28, 29.

 

I also agree that people use the GIG theory in hopes that the dumper will regret the break up and come back. This rarely happens and unfortunately this type of thinking just keeps the dumpee from moving on which is something they should do.

[bb1205]

I agree with this. Young men want to date as many attractive women as they can before they marry. They usually start to settle down with a girl they will marry around 27, 28, 29.

 

I also agree that people use the GIG theory in hopes that the dumper will regret the break up and come back. This rarely happens and unfortunately this type of thinking just keeps the dumpee from moving on which is something they should do.

 

 

Ok so let's eliminate the GIGS theory. Exes come back alllll of the time, and this thread is proof of that. Hell, life in general is proof of that. I'm sure all of you have friends that breakup and a few months later you see they got back together. I would venture to say it happens JUST as often as those who completely go their separate ways. I'm not saying those who get back together end up getting married, they may eventually break up AGAIN, and that time it would be over for good.

 

It really can happen any way. As it can happen either way in my situation. I just want to know how the DUMPER feels, what's their reasoning. When they come back is it always begging, or is it sometimes just casual "let's grab some lunch" talk.

 

I think that being someone's first serious relationship, the first person they ever said "I love you" to, the first and only girlfriend that was there for you through everything you went through in some of the hardest points of your life holds a lot of weight and merit. As it has been said here many times before, Men can be more emotionally immature than woman. They need to explore the world after being in a relationship for 3 years and they need to see what else is out there. Prince William did it to Kate, MANY men have done it to their girlfriends before taking the next big step and getting engaged.

 

I'm not saying that this is what's happening in my situation (although I hope it is) but I'm just saying that long term relationships get boring and mundane and when you date someone who loves the constant thrill and excitement of life, who has issues with finding happiness, these breakups are actually very common place.

 

Remember, originally I broke up with him, as he forced me to a point where I couldn't accept the way he was treating me. A lot of men do this because they can't take on any more guilt after emotionally disconnecting from the relationship, they're also immature. Him and I were an absolutely amazing couple, we had great times, and distance was very hard and eventually led to our demise. Looking back there are no real "problems" that come to mind, and those that do are very much fixable. We have the same values, hopes, dreams, morals, religion, expectations of the future.

 

For the month that we were both finally living in the same city again after long distance, things were not going well because he had already emotionally detached. That month was hard because as much as I tried to be perfect and not upset him, everything I did pissed him off and gave him reason to resent me. This is a very common theme in dumpers.

 

All I'm saying is that anything can happen. This may or may not be "GIGS" but at the end of the day the dumper feels they can do better out there than in the relationship. Problem is, when you had an ex girlfriend that was basically perfect for you (as noted by friends and family) and there weren't any real problems, finding a suitable "replacement" for her (if that's whAt the dumper wants to do) is going to be REALLY hard given how deep the relationship was.

[mav3rik]

Okay, I'll share one of my stupid behaviors here.

 

I was with this girl for 6 years. It was a perfect relationship, you wouldn't believe we never fought for more than 2 days during that 6 years. I broke up with her because I felt pressure that I needed to marry her and I just was not ready and I thought it won't be hard to find someone who will love me like she did. I was still 25 when this happened and she was 30. Shortly I met someone way hotter but emotionally demanding and we got into a relationship that lasted 3 years but she cheated on me so I had to break up with her. that was 2 years ago. 3rd woman was 7 years younger than me and that didn't last long. I am currently single after 9 straight years of being in a realtionship and I am taking my time.

 

I didn't get back with her nor attempted to but I did call her back and apologized for my mistakes. For wasting a lot of her time waiting on me to propose. I don't know if she have forgiven me.. I didn't try to call her back after that. I am not proud of what I did to her.

 

So, I guess to answer you OP, I guess I went thru gigs or made really stupid decisions when I was young and it sure was exciting at first but I sure regret breaking the heart of the only person who truly loved me.

[winnerwinnerchicken]

I believe that people do use the term gigs too much also on this site. I dont know if my ex gf will regret leaving me or not. We really didnt have many differences, but we got to that 5 year stage of getting too comfortable with one another. I was her first everything, and the only guy to ever show interest in her.. once another guy did she pushed me from her life. She moved out while I was at work. We never fought about it, there was not much warning, just gone.

I can honestly say that the connection I had with my ex was great, we didnt fight much and we were very similar people. Is she gone forever, probably. I do believe hers was Gigs just the suddenness and the way she just wanted to rid me from her life like I was cancer, like I needed to go because prince charming rode in on his horse and I was an ogre. Its been 4 months of NC, still no word. Best get used to this, gotta long life ahead of me of never talking again.

[mav3rik]

I believe that people do use the term gigs too much also on this site. I dont know if my ex gf will regret leaving me or not. We really didnt have many differences, but we got to that 5 year stage of getting too comfortable with one another. I was her first everything, and the only guy to ever show interest in her.. once another guy did she pushed me from her life. She moved out while I was at work. We never fought about it, there was not much warning, just gone.

I can honestly say that the connection I had with my ex was great, we didnt fight much and we were very similar people. Is she gone forever, probably. I do believe hers was Gigs just the suddenness and the way she just wanted to rid me from her life like I was cancer, like I needed to go because prince charming rode in on his horse and I was an ogre. Its been 4 months of NC, still no word. Best get used to this, gotta long life ahead of me of never talking again.

 

I guarantee you will be the first one she will call when it turns sour with her new squeeze. Focus on yourself for now. I know it's hard, I too didn't listen to that advice at first but you will get thru this a better and wiser person than you once were.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Ok so let's eliminate the GIGS theory. Exes come back alllll of the time, and this thread is proof of that. Hell, life in general is proof of that. I'm sure all of you have friends that breakup and a few months later you see they got back together. I would venture to say it happens JUST as often as those who completely go their separate ways.

 

This is wildly optimistic and bordering on delusional (not you, just the statement). If this were the case, statistically almost everyone would have at least one ex with whom they got back together and many more than one. Of all my friends I know exactly one couple that has rekindled a relationship, in all the time I've known them. If this were the case, the "Second Chances" forum here would be just as active as the "Breaks and Breaking Up". It's just not true. People break up for a reason.

 

I just want to know how the DUMPER feels, what's their reasoning.

 

The dumper's reasoning is irrelevant. I've said it before: all that matters is that they would prefer not to be with you. Nothing else matters. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks their life will be happier without you?

 

I think that being someone's first serious relationship, the first person they ever said "I love you" to, the first and only girlfriend that was there for you through everything you went through in some of the hardest points of your life holds a lot of weight and merit.

 

It does hold a lot of weight and merit. However, it does not mean you're destined to be with that person; in fact, quite the opposite. The number of people who marry their first real lover is vanishingly small. This sounds awful, but look on the bright side: by the time you're ready to settle down for real, you'll be a much better, more experienced person. And while some men will always be terrible, the quality of men overall goes way up. I guarantee it.

[blackcat777]

All I can say is... this thread is interesting. I was my ex's first real love/first many things, the time we spent together was one in a million amazing, and then he broke it off without warning after leaving for school (well, there were about three days of subtle cues something went wrong).

 

I went NC the day of the breakup and it's been 2 months, not a crumb from him.

 

For me, I guess the pain compounds because the break was so sudden (I've never not had a relationship end without exhausting all options), and that it wasn't just a thing to fill a void in my life--it was what I really, really wanted, the kind of dynamic I'd move heaven and earth to keep in my life (moving heaven and earth including work HARD on myself, harder than I ever have... and he still left!). I spent four years alone prior to this, happily alone, with myself all figured out. I guess the irony is that he hasn't taken the time to figure himself out yet.

 

I've been thinking about it a lot, the concept of GIGS. I lost contact with a lot of best friends while they were in college (some of them went crazy, got coked out, did all sorts of things completely contradictory to who they were before), but we reconnected after and they're back to themselves again. So it's a real thing for a lot of people... rebellion and identity crisis.

 

I never went through that kind of phase, though. I was always in tune with myself and went to the beat of my own drum. Then again, I may not have had the same societal/familial pressures coupled with a sudden release/change of situation that might spark it in some people.

 

Those are my rambling thoughts on people changing at the moment.

[me85]

People tend to overthink and overcomplicate why things didn't work out with their exes. It's really very simple. They wanted to move on and find someone more suited for them.

[SoThatHappened]

This is wildly optimistic and bordering on delusional (not you, just the statement). If this were the case, statistically almost everyone would have at least one ex with whom they got back together and many more than one.

Most people I know have reconciled with an ex.

 

I did it multiple times with the same girl from the age of 16 to 33.

 

I got back together with the latest ex.

 

I don't think the statement is delusional at all. Maybe not universal, but definitely not delusional.

 

As far as the thread topic:

 

For me in my mid-20's, I realized I was no longer the college partier, nor was I ready to be a minivan-driving dad. However, I realized that it was getting close to the time to $h!t or get off the pot, and I needed to make a decision based on logic and love.

 

So I stayed with the high-school sweetheart, even though we were pretty incompatible. We got along okay, but we just didn't see things the same way. That's why we kept breaking up and getting back together.

 

The love was there, but that was pretty much it.

 

Marriage was in the back of my mind in my mid-20's, but I wasn't ready for it.

 

I also did not get out of the relationship at that age because of GIGS. I just didn't want to be with her anymore.

 

Will always love her, though, as she was my first everything.

[bb1205]

I've seen the breakup and get back together thing happen over and over throughout high school and college. I guess the one reoccurring theme is that the love always remains. They may break up because of personality incompatibilities, a lot of fighting, controlling behaviors, insecurities etc. but they somehow always make their way back to each other at least once. Again, not saying it happens with EVERY couple...but I watch it happen more often than you'd think...

 

The difference in my breakup I think, is that the underlying love is what is not there. I remember when my ex of 3 years broke up with me, he was so confused and conflicted. Ultimately though, I know that his feeling of being "in love" with me was no longer there. He questioned if I was "the girl" he wanted to marry. Immediately after our breakup, he went through a week long "confused" period, where he would text me sporadically, but after that week, the silence began along with the obsessive going out with friends and partying.

 

I never received much closer after we had left off on awkward terms. The last conversation I had with him was one in which he stated that he loved me but he could not be the boyfriend I deserved right now. Maybe in a few weeks but something was stopping him at the time, and he wasn't sure what it was. I'm not sure if any of that was true, and I wish he would've handled it differently, so as to not have me here in this awkward position that we agreed we would discuss things again in the future...and so far 3 months - 4 months later...we haven't.

 

His subtle social media actions lead to me to believe that he is not over it, yet he hasn't reached out. So i guess things are more complicated than that. I guess you really can miss someone without wanting to get back (or even reach out?)

[Swimmer916]

It's difficult to pin just one thing. I agree with alot of other posters in that things did get comfortable with my ex. We dated for 4 years throughout college. She was my first love. I was a lot of her firsts as well.

 

She was very attractive and recieved a lot of attention from guys throughout school. I didn't mind it, what I did mind was how she handled it. She would let guys touch her and she would lead them on to a point where they would ask her to come over after a night at the bar. When girls talked to me in college I approached them back as freinds and not like I was interested. I gave her everything and I felt like she wasn't fully into me as I was her. I distanced myself. She then went through a 3 month moody phase and didn't talk. She apparently had a relevation that she did love me and I was her everything.

 

At that time I had mentally moved on. If things like this were happening in college who knows what would of happened in the "real world". We broke it off and she called me a few times asking to get back together. She now has a new BF.

 

However, if she never acted strangely for those few months I would of never distanced myself and we would of most likely been together til this day. Do I miss her? Absolutey. The grass was greener when we first broke up. I got to work on myself. But now, being with her seems like everything I could want.

[bb1205]

Swimmer I love that response!

 

Although this situations is a lot different than mine, I can see a similarity in that there was a few months of distancing before the breakup.

 

Distance in and of itself is a difficult factor in a relationship. Especially a prolonged amount of time apart. For us it was a year before things started to head south. I can't pinpoint one thing either that was really the "turning point" if you will, but somewhere along the way the fights, which were usually negligible and usually occurred once a month, started happening once a week. I think the distance through this difficult time just allowed him to distance himself more. He started going out more with his friends, getting attention from girls, etc. I remember the last time I visited him before we both moved back to the same city, I noticed he had deleted a conversation with a mutual girl friend of ours. When I asked why he just implied that she was being "her usual annoying flirty self" and he didn't want me to get the wrong impression. At that point I basically knew he was checking if not completely checked out.

 

I gave it a month after that to try and change his mind. I was on my aabsolute best behavior, although I was going through an EXTREMELY difficult time finding a job after college, living at home with parents, not having my car, etc. At this point for him, picking me up at my house was an eye roll, taking me out to eat was a chore, hanging out with me alone was just a god awful thought. My parents took noticed and I had to take action, so I broke up with him although I didn't want to.

 

After a few weeks of going back and forth with him trying to get back together, and him pulling away, he officially checked out and I (finally) basically gave him the peace sign. It's been 3 months since our last conversation.

 

 

 

Another question I want to raise to the dumpers: Did you go through a relief period of sorts where all you did was go out and party any chance you got? (Literally everyone who saw him would comment to me on how happy he was, or seemed to be).

 

 

 

I noted this in my dumper. A guy who normally likes to stay in every night was out every single night of the week. Bars, clubs, you name it he was there. It's interesting that in the last month this has completely dropped off, to the point where he doesn't really go out at all anymore. Maybe once on the weekends.

[LakersFan81]

I'm a 25 year old guy that was recently dumped by his ex GF of over 5 years about 3-4 months ago. I had no idea it was coming, but she seemed to lose all interest, and experience the GIGS.

 

Tried calling her/texting her for the first month of the breakup and just got ignored every time. I now wonder if I will ever hear from her again.

 

Is it really possible for someone to date someone for 5 years, and talk to each other all day, every day, then wake up one morning, and decide to never talk to that person again when nothing major even happened?

 

Just blows my mind when I get time to think about it, and wonder if she will ever reach out to see how I am doing, or apologize how she broke up with me because she ended it through text message, and said some pretty hurtful things when I did nothing to her.

 

Most say that when you finally begin to move on completely, and start talking to someone else, that is when they reappear. Maybe that will be what happens. Who knows. Just wish I could erase her from my mind, and stop loving her.

[bb1205]

Hi Lakers fan,

 

Sounds like a clean cut gigs case to me. Being a girl, I've watched so many of my friends do this to their boyfriends. They say they crave adventure, something new and exciting, not just the same "old". A lot of it is immaturity, some can be circumstantial, and a part of it can have to do with the relationship itself. It varies. I've watched perfectly amazing relationships end with the girl leaving to date around and come back a few months - 1 year later asking for another chance. I've also watched other girl friends of mine leave "ok" relationships, where it was obvious to everyone that the guy "cared" more than the girl did. In these situations I've seen the girls both move on and date someone else to then come back, or leave all together. I'm currently watching a very good guy friend of mines girlfriend (now exgirlfriend) parade herself around town, eating up all of the attention she can get. I give it another few months before she comes back with her tail between her legs, after the guys in this town have their way with her.

 

 

I think it's part of growing up, and part of living life. I honestly didn't know anything about relationships until I had this breakup. It's amazing how much you learn about psychology and life in general when you go through something like this. My ex was my first boyfriend at my ages 20-23, I had watched people go through breakups before but I had never really understood what the big deal was. Boy did I learn. I've gone back to all of my girl friends that have been through these breakups to ask for advice and also to ask for forgiveness for not being a better friend through it all. I just didn't know.

 

 

 

I'd like to bring up this topic and see what kind of response I get:

 

If the relationship balance is off (meaning one person clearly cares more, does more, loves more) does it ALWAYS lead to a relationships demise? Or are there instances where these relationships find natural balance after a breakup. Or have you seen a couple wherein there is an imbalance of love even breakup to begin with?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I think breaking up and getting back together is not uncommon in high school and college, but with adults? Not so much. I certainly would not count on it or even be open to the possibility. The only way to really heal and move on is to believe it's over. Even the tiniest fiber of what-if will drag you all the way back down.

 

I have a dear girl friend who is madly, wholly, passionately in love with her boyfriend of 3 years. He loves her very much and treats her like a queen, but fully admits his love for her isn't like the love he had for his wife. It's lesser in intensity, if not in depth. He has no desire to break up with her because he does truly love her and she makes him very happy, but it's not the same kind of love. I don't think it's an unequal investment, but it may be slightly unbalanced in the way they love each other. What matters is that they're both committed and they want to make it work.

 

There is no circumstance that ALWAYS leads to a relationship's demise or eternal success. "Always" and "never" aren't helpful words when talking about relationships because love doesn't exist in absolutes. Even though they're a tiny minority, there are people who have married their affair partners and people who married their first boyfriends. All relationships are different.

 

The only consistent factor I've found in successful relationships---and I mean the ONLY thing, other than "both partners are alive"---is that everyone involved is completely dedicated to the relationship. They don't whine about how love should be easy, or that their sad feelings mean they aren't meant to be, or whatever. They don't take their partners for granted. They make a choice to be together even if it requires hard work. And they make that choice every single day.

[bb1205]

AMEN to that Chipman. I wholeheartedly agree both people need to be in it 100%, the second one person starts having doubts, it becomes a rolling snowball. The doubts just get bigger and bigger, until ALL that person is left with is doubts and they have forgotten/lost the love.

 

It's funny though, when I talk to my parents and cousins and relatives about this topic (because I've literally interviewed everyone in my family at the point), almost every couple (be they 25, 39, 47, 55, or 60) had a breakup before they got married. Only ONE couple out of 10 in my family met, dated a few years, and got married. I should note that they were in their late twenties and had dated many partners before, so they essentially knew exactly what it was they were looking for). The rest met in their early twenties, and the male in each case admits he was just being immature, wasn't sure what he wanted, needed to get some stuff out of his system before he was ready to commit to his girlfriend (now wife) at the time. These "breakups" lasted anywhere from 3 months - 1 year.

 

 

I'm not here to give anyone any kind of false hope...obviously we know every couple that dates isn't going to get married. It's just interesting that 2 people that love each other very much, to the point that they got married, had kids together, and grew old together, needed a breakup for WHATEVER reason in order to reach that point.

 

I recall my cousin saying that at the time he would tell all of his guy friends "she just wasn't the right girl for me, we fight to much, I'm just over it at this point" and low and behold, a year later they got back together, and a few years later after they got married and now he swears he was the biggest idiot immature "man" at age 24 - had no idea what a perfect girl she was for him until he ventured out into the world.