Jump to content

Was it my fault she left me for her ex? I keep blaming myself?


Recommended Posts

I dated this girl for 6 months. She swore she was over her ex that she dated for 3 years. Obviously, i knew after 3 years, nobody truly would get over someone that fast. (She started talking to me after 3 DAYS of their breakup. Wow.) She told me to quit worrying and she loved me, and she broke it off with him for me.

 

The thing is, they talked almost everyday on the phone.. I hated it. I told her to quit, and she said OK, week later, they were talking again. I broke up with her 5 TIMES over this sht. I kept getting back with her b/c i felt guilty for not trusting her. But it killed me because i didnt want her to cheat eventually. So the 4th time she begged for me back and i said fine.

 

We broke up again, and i find a WEEK after our breakup, she was spending the night with the ex boyfriend. Called her phone, she said a few words, then made the ex talk to me. He told me to leave her alone. This killed me. She wouldnt even talk to me... Like really? If you were in love with him this whole time, and all of our issues in our relationship were about you talking to him, and still may have a thing for him.. Then why not let me know, and spare me the feelings and torment? But nope, she had to keep going with the relationship. She lied about multiple things in our relationship regarding him, but i knew, and so did other people.

 

Why wouldnt she just tell me? I feel terrible.. Im sitting here, while shes out fking her ex boyfriend. First girl i ever loved, and i did everything with for the first time. I'm 20 and shes 17. I just feel that maybe i wasnt insertive enough or mean enough or whatever he did, must have been better..

Link to post
Share on other sites

You were clearly a rebound - 3 days!? And you belived her.

 

I don't think you're going to get much sympathy on this board - you're the bloke men hate for swooping in on the love of their life as soon as they're out of the door.

 

Lesson learnt though for you - do not get involved with a woman fresh out of a LTR.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

NO! It's not your fault that she didn't know what she wanted and/or doesn't mind using other people to suit and satisfy her own needs, wants and whims of the moment.

How could that be anyone's "fault" or mistake or blame???

 

Stop doing your own self-esteem violence and making your own self crazy with guilt/self-blame. Her personality, and/or immaturity, and/or lack of clarity about her own needs and wants is NOT your fault!!!

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NO! It's not your fault that she didn't know what she wanted and/or doesn't mind using other people to suit and satisfy her own needs, wants and whims of the moment.

How could that be anyone's "fault" or mistake or blame???

 

Stop doing your own self-esteem violence and making your own self crazy with guilt/self-blame. Her personality, and/or immaturity, and/or lack of clarity about her own needs and wants is NOT your fault!!!

 

Thank you ronnie. Helped alot.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Maybe it was because im not an a-hole. He was, and she went back to him. Its not in my nature to be an a-hole, and i hate it. I know i should be myself. But maybe thats not good enough for this world. Women love a-holes. Its just not fair man..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Maybe it was because im not an a-hole. He was, and she went back to him. Its not in my nature to be an a-hole, and i hate it. I know i should be myself. But maybe thats not good enough for this world. Women love a-holes. Its just not fair man..

 

Its not because he is an a-hole, or because you are not one.

 

Its just that she had feelings for him thats all.

 

I mean, she probably liked you and thought you were a good match for her, but the problem is she never really had the time to mourne her old relationship.

 

She started dating you right away, because she wanted to move on. The problem is that...by doing that she simply buried the feelings for her ex deep down her heart, so the moment that douchbag told her that he wanted another try, those feelings for him resurfaced.

 

She never distanced herself from her previous relationship. Honestly, she didn't really have the time either.

 

I think the most hurtful thing for you right now, is the fact that she is dating a douchebag, and you feel discarded. And you probably feel worse, because you are clearly a much better boyfriend.

 

But please don't think about that.

 

She chose him because she has more history with him, meaning, she has stronger feelings of attachtment for him. Just that. Its not that he is better, its just that he's been in her heart longer.

 

She had feelings for him for more than 3 years. Thats much more time she's had feelings for you. Unfortunatly, in this situations, the longer relationship always wins.

 

It sucks but it happens. :(

 

Just go NC, and forget about her.

Edited by dclan
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Its not because he is an a-hole, or because you are not one.

 

Its just that she had feelings for him thats all.

 

I mean, she probably liked you and thought you were a good match for her, but the problem is she never really had the time to mourne her old relationship.

 

She started dating you right away, because she wanted to move on. The problem is that...by doing that she simply buried the feelings for her ex deep down her heart, so the moment that douchbag told her that he wanted another try, those feelings for him resurfaced.

 

She never distanced herself from her previous relationship. Honestly, she didn't really have the time either.

 

I think the most hurtful thing for you right now, is the fact that she is dating a douchebag, and you feel discarded. And you probably feel worse, because you are clearly a much better boyfriend.

 

But please don't think about that.

 

She chose him because she has more history with him, meaning, she has stronger feelings of attachtment for him. Just that. Its not that he is better, its just that he's been in her heart longer.

 

She had feelings for him for more than 3 years. Thats much more time she's had feelings for you. Unfortunatly, in this situations, the longer relationship always wins.

 

It sucks but it happens. :(

 

Just go NC, and forget about her.

 

Your right. I have gone NC, but she works in the same plaza as me, so i see her every now and then and it kills me. I saw her the other day and almost cried at work..

 

I just dont understand why she would lie to me about her feelings for him. She told me she doesnt love him, and she loves me. She never would get back with him. She would lie about some other things that i caught her doing as well. But she just denied it every time. She would be on the phone all the time with him, and tell me to deal with it..

 

If she would have just said, "Look, i still love my ex, i may have intentions on getting back with him." I would have nicely walked away. But it surely doesnt work that way.

 

But she was my first love. 3 DAYS after the breakup they were spending the night together.. Its getting to a point where i just don't care what she did to me. I don't care how she treated me. I need her in my life. I havent been eating, sleeping, or just functioning right.. I'm lonely.. I dont want anyone else.

 

And just knowing shes out there with him, moving on, and having a great time with him. I HATE IT..

Link to post
Share on other sites
SoThatHappened
I need her in my life.

No you don't.

 

You FEEL like you do. That's your heart and emotions talking. It's normal.

 

Your head will catch up and override your emotions in time. Trust me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
But i love her mannn

 

Sucks when it's one-sided though, isn't it.

 

 

Dude, she's 17 years old, a TEENAGER, still considered a kid. You've hit your 20's and if you're in the states you can legally go to bar's and pubs and clubs. She's still a kid and doesn't know what the hell she wants out of life yet.

 

 

My advice, let this one go and find a girl closer to your age that's a little more mature and has a handle on what she wants in life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sucks when it's one-sided though, isn't it.

 

 

Dude, she's 17 years old, a TEENAGER, still considered a kid. You've hit your 20's and if you're in the states you can legally go to bar's and pubs and clubs. She's still a kid and doesn't know what the hell she wants out of life yet.

 

 

My advice, let this one go and find a girl closer to your age that's a little more mature and has a handle on what she wants in life.

 

I just feel likes its my fault man. Idk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You were clearly a rebound - 3 days!? And you belived her.

 

I don't think you're going to get much sympathy on this board - you're the bloke men hate for swooping in on the love of their life as soon as they're out of the door.

 

Lesson learnt though for you - do not get involved with a woman fresh out of a LTR.

 

What did he do that's so wrong? The way I see it is it takes two to tango. The girl was clearly out for a rebound and was willing to get her hands dirty in the process. IMO, it's that girls fault more than his for going out searching for a new bf. Any healthy right minded girl would have taken some time to heal after the breakup. Why bring the new bf down with her?

 

I don't think he swooped in on anything. That's just me.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP you're 20 years old. If I could go back to being 20 again (though im not too far away at 25 myself), I would NEVER let any one person, especially a girl, make me feel so down..not so early in my life..nope.

 

You have a looong life a head, and soon, maybe a year from now, or sooner, in time..you will forget her move on and be happy with your life. At 20 and 17 the hormones are raging, everything's being blown sky high, and things are rushing past..and that time.you will not get back. Don't waste it on one single girl, it's not her fault as much as it is her age's, and for you at 20 you're too young to be bonded and chained as well.

 

Sure, right now you think she's the one, she's the ONLY one. But I've had many who i thought were "the one and only."

 

Here's what you should do:

1.NC, leave her alone, move on with you're life

2. Focus on your career goals, college, school, work? ARe you in college?

3. Go the the gym, go exercise, drop a few pounds of fat and put on some muscle

4. get a hobby

5. Basically get a life! In a good way.

 

Do all that you can to avoid her, no think about her, and pretend she's long gone. I know it can be very difficult, but over time, you will have moved and be happy with your new life.

 

Remember, at 20, the world is still in your hands, and you have all the time in the world. Get a new girl, be confident, and SUCK IT UP.

 

Alex

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
(She started talking to me after 3 DAYS of their breakup. Wow.)

 

3 DAYS after the breakup they were spending the night together.
... Do you not see the pattern here?

 

The woman is either monkey branching (having a new relationship lined up before she ends the one she's in), or lacks the fortitude to be on her own and ends up using people. Her actions tell me that she is not the, generous and naive person that you thinks she is. She is selfish, and selfish doesn't make for a good long term prospect.

 

Look, as a woman who knows how this type of girl operates and the damage she leaves in her wake, I can tell you that this relationship with her ex will most likely not last. But that is not good news for you, because she will either:

 

  1. Be forever on/off with this guy and consider him her great love, and bounce from other guys back to him. She will take a whole three days to find a new "love" after her breakup with him. She will return to him within three days of her breakup from that
  2. Bounce around between other guys that are not him in shallow relationships where she mistakes infatuation for love. Want to take a guess as to how long she'll stay single between those relationships?

This woman is trying to fill up some emptiness in her soul with the intensity that comes from bouncing around like this. She is not going to stop. Even if you got what you want, which was her dumping her current, and bouncing to you in three days, she 100% would leave you again.

 

There is no man who will keep her from this pattern, unless she finds one where it goes from the highs of intense love, to despair, back to the highs. That would be a pretty yucky relationship to be in.

 

Do some work on yourself so you don't choose another woman like this one. You want to be attracted to someone emotionally mature, who doesn't use guys to shore herself up, and constantly chase butterflies. You also want one with enough inner strength to stay single for longer than three days.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Maybe it was because im not an a-hole. He was, and she went back to him. Its not in my nature to be an a-hole, and i hate it. I know i should be myself. But maybe thats not good enough for this world. Women love a-holes. Its just not fair man..

 

Stop this. Women do not love a-holes.

 

Men - all of them are a-holes! They're all terrible!

 

(Do you like gender-wide generalizations when you're on the other side? No? Then knock it off.)

 

Your problem is not that "women blah blah blah", it's that you're attracted to terrible women who do selfish things.

 

The plus side to all of this is that if it's coming from you rather than external events (which it is), then you have the power to change this tendency about yourself. Isn't that a freeing feeling? Rather than being a victim of "all women who blah blah blah", you can choose your own future by being responsible about healing the parts of yourself that are attracted to women with subpar character traits. Right now, those subpar character traits are actually attracting you. It's a indicator that it's time to work on yourself.

Edited by idoltree
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stop this. Women do not love a-holes.

 

Men - all of them are a-holes! They're all terrible!

 

(Do you like gender-wide generalizations when you're on the other side? No? Then knock it off.)

 

Your problem is not that "women blah blah blah", it's that you're attracted to terrible women who do selfish things.

 

The plus side to all of this is that if it's coming from you rather than external events (which it is), then you have the power to change this tendency about yourself. Isn't that a freeing feeling? Rather than being a victim of "all women who blah blah blah", you can choose your own future by being responsible about healing the parts of yourself that are attracted to women with subpar character traits. Right now, those subpar character traits are actually attracting you. It's a indicator that it's time to work on yourself.

 

Your probably right..

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

What if the fact that she rebounded me wasnt intentional? What if she really wanted to move on with me? I just keep finding questions that need answered, and i feel like i should wait for her. Maybe they wont work out and i'll get her back. I need to vent on here in order to stay sane. Sorry if i keep bumping this post..

 

I just can't help but to blame myself. She loves him, and i broke up with her because i knew she did. And she went to him so quickly like i was nothing to her. I just cant bare the feeling...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I just can't help but to blame myself. She loves him, and i broke up with her because i knew she did. And she went to him so quickly like i was nothing to her. I just cant bare the feeling...
This makes absolutely no sense unless you think that she, for some reason, is unable to be single and stand on her own two feet. That seems to be the piece you are missing that keeps in you this loop.

 

Newsflash: You cannot blame yourself if you accept that she is an adult who is capable of making decisions and is responsible for said decisions. You did not make her go back to her ex, that was her choice.

 

She is not helpless, she is choosing to act helpless, and you are buying it.

 

i feel like i should wait for her. Maybe they wont work out and i'll get her back.
That's a very bad idea. Again, you are trying to sacrifice and save someone who doesn't deserve it.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This makes absolutely no sense unless you think that she, for some reason, is unable to be single and stand on her own two feet. That seems to be the piece you are missing that keeps in you this loop.

 

Newsflash: You cannot blame yourself if you accept that she is an adult who is capable of making decisions and is responsible for said decisions. You did not make her go back to her ex, that was her choice.

 

She is not helpless, she is choosing to act helpless, and you are buying it.

 

That's a very bad idea. Again, you are trying to sacrifice and save someone who doesn't deserve it.

 

Its just the disrespect in the relationship that we had. Or at least i thought that we had. I mean, we dated 6 months. Thats a while, right? She didnt even take time to mourn.. Instead she went back to her ex in days. She did the same thing to him, left himk, and dated me within a couple of days.. Which i dont understand how he would take her back after she did the same thing to him... Thats just stupid.

Edited by MistaYates
Link to post
Share on other sites
Which i dont understand how he would take her back after she did the same thing to him... Thats just stupid.

 

He's probably a little like you. Weren't you just thinking of waiting for her? She (and her selfish actions) attract a certain type of guy; the rest of the guys see her actions for what they are and steer clear of her and her drama.

 

She attracts guys who, through inadequate emotional connection to parents when they were young, anxiously attach to her. He's another guy like you. Both of you are the type of guy who move toward her instead of steering clear.

 

Right now, you're angry (yay! Progress!) and you can see that he's putting up with some really subpar behavior on her part. Well, you were him for awhile. You'll probably want to be him again the next time your mood swings.

 

Don't be him. See her clearly, as she is, not as who you want her to be, and you won't be "that guy" anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
He's probably a little like you. Weren't you just thinking of waiting for her? She (and her selfish actions) attract a certain type of guy; the rest of the guys see her actions for what they are and steer clear of her and her drama.

 

She attracts guys who, through inadequate emotional connection to parents when they were young, anxiously attach to her. He's another guy like you. Both of you are the type of guy who move toward her instead of steering clear.

 

Right now, you're angry (yay! Progress!) and you can see that he's putting up with some really subpar behavior on her part. Well, you were him for awhile. You'll probably want to be him again the next time your mood swings.

 

Don't be him. See her clearly, as she is, not as who you want her to be, and you won't be "that guy" anymore.

 

I swear its like you know me. I know man, im trying so hard. Like you said, im seeing her the way i want her to be. And i miss all the good that she was. I really want to feel like the bad that she was overpowers her good traits. But right now it doesnt. I feel like right now, i love her and i want her back dispite what she did. I feel like i need to be reminded who she is, so i dont think about the good things.

 

I just want to be told that what i did was right, and she was a manipulative user, who didnt care for my feelings. I mean, is moving on 3 days after the breakup really fair? Is it really nice to do that? I really hope your not mad that i keep venting on this same post. But it seriously kills me. I saw her today again and everytime i do, i die a little more. I slept next to this girl and held on to her and didnt want to let go. And now shes gone. I feel like as loving as i was, it may have been the problem. I just feel like i was too good to her and maybe should have backed off a bit.. I wanted her to be all mine. Her beauty is another thing, you would never expect her to be the kind of person she is, under her beauty. God she was gorgeous.

 

I wish i knew a technique to constantly be reminded of who she is. So i can stop this ridiculous mind set that i have. It is literally the worst i have ever felt in my life.. Not that i would kill myself, but i've never had feelings of to just end it all. I've come close to though, because of her. I feel like she took a piece of my soul and i cant get it back. I cant function correctly.

Edited by MistaYates
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you know what the most empowering thing for you to realize is going to be?

 

All those good things you felt for her? How you felt when you were around her? That came from you, which means you can make yourself feel that way. You shouldn't need another person to feel happy and whole.

 

You've got some inner work to do. If you skip it and bounce to someone else, or (god forbid) get this one back, you're going to end up right back where you are. Get some counseling so you can be attracted to a woman with emotional strength and integrity, or you're going to keep white knighting for selfish women and trying to save them from their lives.

 

Secondly, you were with this girl for 6 months. Do you know what was present that entire time? The honeymoon period, where you can't see your partner's flaws. Your brain is flooded with "feel good" chemicals, and you become infatuated with your partner for the image that you are projecting onto them. You don't know them well enough to care for them. It's only around 6-12 months that you start to see them as they are. And you did, and you broke up. Conclusion: that was all you, not her.

 

Also, you're still hung up on the 3 days thing. She did the exact same thing to him when she bounced to you. Now she's bounced back to him. Conclusion: that is her, not you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...