Ex texted me after 2 weeks of NC

[Early Bird]

So my ex called me tonight. She was really upset and crying because she's stressed out with school. Her rebound guy was pressuring her into deciding what they were and she was complaining about how he doesn't listen to her, issues with school and her friends, and that she misses me and is scared she made the wrong choice.

 

I kept everything polite, brief, and encouraging (She really loves how encouraging and supportive I am). She then started asking me if I missed her, still loved her, and if I was talking to anyone else.

 

I told her I didn't feel it was right to talk about that if she was talking with another guy, and she told me she wasn't. So I kept it polite and told her that of course I still loved her (we broke up a week ago) and that I missed her, but that I couldn't keep playing a waiting game and that I was talking to someone.

 

She got sad by that news and was wanting to see if we could hang out and see how things went sometime in the next few days. I told her sure, but that I had plans for friday and saturday. She said she would let me know when a good time is for her and that she would definitely be in touch soon.

 

How do you think that situation was handled? Did I do okay?

[mightycpa]

That depends. What are you trying to accomplish?

[Early Bird]

Ideally, I would like to get back together with her.

[BC1980]

Ideally, I would like to get back together with her.

 

I would say don't talk to her at all, and that will flush out her true intentions. By staying in any type of contact, she will never feel that she has truly lost you. She needs to feel that you are truly gone before she will ever make the decision to come back.

[Simon Phoenix]

No, you didn't. She broke up with you and she's using you as support. I mean, she dumped her problems with her rebound guy on you -- that's not the action of a girl who is terribly interested in getting back with you and you making it seem ok isn't attractive either.

 

You guys are broken up. It's time to act broken up. You can't let her have her cake and eat it too. Not only is that a bad strategy in trying to get back together, but it's a strategy that will cause you the most angst and pain.

 

She let you go. It's time for you to give her what she asked for.

[mightycpa]

Ideally, I would like to get back together with her.

 

OK. Well then, next time, I'd ask her to define that relationship for you too.

 

If she says it is casual, tell her to hang up, call him, and tell him that, and then call you back. If she takes a real long time, then you have an undecided on your hands. If she calls back pretty quickly, I'd ask her how.

 

If you want to get back and stay back, you're going to have to take it slowly. Also, no exclusivity for awhile. If you want to be valuable, don't sell yourself too cheap.

 

Good luck.

[OwMyEyeball]

Tread carefully.

 

From what I understand from your earlier thread, you were the one to break things off on this 6 month romance due to unresolved disputes.

 

You're now both in a place of high vulnerability where your draw is less about love and more about security - restoring what's been lost.

 

At some point you'll need to address what led to the breakup in the first place. The sooner you do that, and each define your own boundaries, the better your chances of making this one last. It's safe to say the honeymoon period has drawn to a close and you're at the point where you're building a relationship.

[Early Bird]

Thanks for the reply, everyone. I don't necessarily see this as a mistake. I know that it's against the "rules" of NC, but I know her and that the best move I could do in this situation is being there for her but at the same time being clear that if we're not together I'll be moving on.

 

I completely understand that if we do start to work on things that being exclusive won't be an option for a while, and I'm okay with that. She doesn't do well with pressure at all, and that's exactly what's causing her tension between the rebound.

 

I actually feel good about how it went. I was polite, there for her without being too available and needy, and didn't try to ask for her back. It was very "Well, of course I miss you since we just broke up. But I'm moving on and living life. I would like it if we gave it another shot, but I can't wait for that. I wish you the best with everything".

 

And at this point, it's not like I'm sitting by the phone waiting for her to set a date. I've been using NC as a away to focus on myself and bettering myself with NO expectations on getting back together. I figure if she REALLY loves me, that she'll make the move. But I'm not going to dwell on it.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the reply, everyone. I don't necessarily see this as a mistake. I know that it's against the "rules" of NC, but I know her and that the best move I could do in this situation is being there for her but at the same time being clear that if we're not together I'll be moving on.

 

No, the best move is not to be there for her because the goal is to make her feel like she has truly lost you. If your goal is to get her back, then you fall off the face of the earth. You need to make it seem that you are gone, even though that isn't the truth. It's all about what she perceives to be the truth.

 

It's borderline manipulative, and it would only work to initially get you back together. I don't recommend it, but I don't think you are going to take the advice to move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for the reply, everyone. I don't necessarily see this as a mistake. I know that it's against the "rules" of NC, but I know her and that the best move I could do in this situation is being there for her but at the same time being clear that if we're not together I'll be moving on.

 

I completely understand that if we do start to work on things that being exclusive won't be an option for a while, and I'm okay with that. She doesn't do well with pressure at all, and that's exactly what's causing her tension between the rebound.

 

I actually feel good about how it went. I was polite, there for her without being too available and needy, and didn't try to ask for her back. It was very "Well, of course I miss you since we just broke up. But I'm moving on and living life. I would like it if we gave it another shot, but I can't wait for that. I wish you the best with everything".

 

And at this point, it's not like I'm sitting by the phone waiting for her to set a date. I've been using NC as a away to focus on myself and bettering myself with NO expectations on getting back together. I figure if she REALLY loves me, that she'll make the move. But I'm not going to dwell on it.

 

There's no need for her to make a move if you are going to be there answering the phone and giving her support. Honestly, what you did was completely counterproductive to your goal of getting her back. If you want to be her platonic buddy, you played it great. But you don't.

[mightycpa]

I know that it's against the "rules" of NC

 

NC is for protecting yourself, period. Frankly, I don't sense that you're having a lot of problems in that department.

 

Limited Contact is probably more effective at keeping her than NC. With NC, you may create a sense of desperation that won't really last. So LC is more communicative, and a better mix of absence + presence.

 

But in the end, you're in school, that means you're young, and statistically, it won't last regardless. Sorry to be Debbie Downer about it.

[Early Bird]

I'm actually 27 and she's 28. She's getting her masters as a vet, so we're not THAT young.

[Zahara]

Had a guy at her house one week after your break-up? And this guy is pressuring her about where he stands? I have to wonder if he's been in the picture much longer than the 2.5 weeks since you both ended.

 

I bet she flip flops and keeps you hanging on a string.

[Early Bird]

In any case, I take full responsibility for my actions. I see the "NC" rule primarily as something for yourself and not necessarily as a tactic to get the other person back (And the 30 day rule is too general to apply to every situation). If picking up the phone was a wrong move or right move, I'll definitely write a testimony in hopes that it helps someone out (Whether it was a mistake or the right move).

 

But at any rate, it does feel good to have power on my side, and I'm not expecting anything to come from it. What's meant to be is meant to be, right? I'll continue focusing on myself in the meantime and carrying on with my plans unless she makes some kind of gesture.

[mightycpa]

I'm actually 27 and she's 28. She's getting her masters as a vet, so we're not THAT young.

 

Well, I read something very interesting about that. You guys are on different timelines towards marriage.

 

If you don't have/are not pursuing your masters, and head out to the dating scene, research says you're going to feel too old for it very soon. You are at the middle of your most likely years to get married. By 32 or so, your statistical likelihood of marrying drops dramatically.

 

She, on the other hand, will not feel that way. Here "peer group" will be older, and she won't hit that same feeling until her mid to late 30's.

 

That could be what you're fighting here. Statistical Social Science.

 

Good luck!

[Early Bird]

Hi all,

 

I posted on here looking for advice for my particular breakup situation and then another topic on advice when my ex called me crying saying she missed me and that she still loved me and wanted to know if I loved her. I told you all that I would write back with how everything worked out.

 

It didn't.

 

After posting on here straight after her phone call, my adrenaline was pumping, my heart was racing, my hopes were shooting through the roof no matter how grounded I tried to be. Some people commented "You should have never answered the phone". But I thought, "This is different, though. We truly loved each other and had such a connection. We're meant to be. This is it. I'll give her time and space, but we'll end up back together."

 

My friends, do NOT fall into this trap. Just don't. If you thought the BREAKUP was bad, being strung along and carrying false hope will be much, much worse. Take it from me. Things like constantly checking their Facebook for updates, seeing the last time they were online "She hasn't been online in a few hours, is she with the guy?" It's a very unhealthy obsession, and this is coming from a guy who has ALWAYS been very confident, nonchalant, and driven in life.

 

She found some excuse that she couldn't meet up over the weekend. The next week she would text old inside jokes, call, and even stopped by my apartment a few times while I was out. She told me she missed me so much, that she wasn't happy with the new guy, and that she was confused and scared of getting hurt again. She got jealous when she found out I was hanging out with another girl. I thought to myself, "This is it. It's only a matter of time before she leaves her rebound and comes back to my arms."

 

Then she would go cold. Since my head wasn't quite clear, I always found some way to justify it.

 

THIS IS NOT HER WAY OF COMING BACK TO YOU. THIS IS HER WAY OF HAVING THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. PLAYING ON YOUR EMOTIONS TO FEEL WANTED AND FEEL SECURE THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THERE IN CASE THINGS DO NOT WORK OUT WITH THE REBOUND. IT. IS. NOT. GENUINE.

 

It happened last night when I saw her Facebook status with her and the new guy "It doesn't get much better than this". Everything came crashing down. I was devastated and so angry. But once that subsided, I gained a clear head and remembered why I broke up with her in the first place. In a strange way, I'm glad it happened. Now I can look at everything with a clear head and remember WHY I broke up with her in the first place. I know there will be times where I'm lonely or go through withdrawals, but at least I have some peace of mind knowing that I DID do the right thing - the first time.

 

Maintain NC. No matter if she tries to guilt trip you for it, accuse you of not changing, gets angry, sad, whatever. Do NOT entertain anything unless she's banging at your door saying she wants to get back together RIGHT now. Even then, be EXTREMELY cautious.

 

Spare yourself. Because no matter how bad the breakup hurts and how hopeless things feel, I promise you it will only make things SO much worse if you let someone string you along with false hope and breadcrumbs only to be devastated.

 

I hope this helps some of you out if you're doubting what to do or may have a similar situation to mine. Stay strong.

[Early Bird]

Oh, and if you have any questions or want further details about the situation to see if it relates to your own, please let me know.

[H245]

Something similar to me happened 2 weeks ago. Feel free to go into your own situation as I'm interested to know how similar it is to mine.

[Early Bird]

Her and I first began as a long distance relationship for a couple of months while she was in Colorado. We would talk on the phone every day and text nonstop for hours on end. Everything was great, and I couldn't wait to meet this woman.

 

So, we met up and something seemed.. off in my gut and in the back of my head. I mean, this girl was gorgeous, ambitious, fun to talk to, and we had a lot of chemistry.

 

Things started to go up and down quickly, and I thought to myself "It hasn't been THAT long since we've seen each other.. shouldn't we still be in the honeymoon phase?". She would always accuse me of hiding something or that I always had an ulterior motive. This became EXTREMELY frustrating and pushed me away, because I wasn't doing anything. We would get into big arguments, and I would try to FORCE it to work and keep telling myself "I should try to make this work." But I was always getting jumped on for something! We would try to talk about it, but that didn't work either. She would come to me and say she felt a certain way about maybe the way I was acting, and when I tried to talk as well and say "Well, maybe I was acting like this because of this you said or did". And she would always say I was attacking her or blaming her (Which was not the case. I was trying to converse about it and find a compromise lol).

 

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. So I ended things with her after talking with family and multiple friends. They all said she was crazy (But looking at it objectively, there were things I could have done too, but it just wasn't working).

 

She was really upset and would cry, call, and text me plenty of times the next week. My sister told me she saw her with another guy at the bar the night we broke up (Hmm..). I shrugged it off.

 

But I didn't expect I'd still go through withdrawals. Out of a slight jealousy and loneliness, I got back in touch with her. We talked about possibly getting back together and meeting up to discuss things. She said she was just talking to this new guy and they weren't seeing each other. That night, I decided to surprise her and get her flowers. I went by her place, and the guy's truck was there and spending the night.

 

So THAT stung. She was upset the next day and said she was confused. So a week passed by and she said we should go our separate ways. It stung, but I decided to carry on. After about a week of NC and VERY nonchalant, polite LC when she messaged me one day, she called me crying saying she still loved me, misses me, and wanted to know if I loved her and if I was seeing anyone. I told her that I didn't feel comfortable discussing those things if she's seeing someone and she said she wasn't.

 

Anyway, I told her I was meeting up with a friend to hang out over the weekend but if she wanted to get together to talk about things that door was open. And of course, she found an excuse to not make it. The next week, she called me, texted me, and tried stopping by my place a few times. She was saying that she misses me and that she wasn't attached to the new guy but was scared I would leave her and hurt her again. She was hot and cold, and when I would pull away or back off, she would leap after me. This brought hope that she was going to be leaving the new guy (the REBOUND as I convinced myself) to be with me.

 

I don't think she or most women/men who do this do is MALICIOUSLY. I think it's just a way to validate themselves and feel safe when things aren't going so great with the new person. Gives them comfort to know they have something to fall back on if things don't work out.

[Seeker12]

Does this breadcrumbs idea after NC actually work? If so, should i prepare for it? My well now ex, completely went AWOL on me in a sense within a month, everything about her changed, she always got upset when we talked, and she just eventually seemed like she didnt want to know me and the more further away from her i was, the better. Anyway, found a new guy etc. etc. She stated straight that there will be no contact and that she doesnt want anything to do with me. She was head over heels in our relationship, but different character now, im dealing with moving on, i dont want to deal with her if she decides to come back.

Edited October 5, 2014 by Seeker12

[H245]

I can def. find similarities in your story to my own. My ex and I when we first met moved really fast and had lots of ups and downs before the honeymoon period should have ended. Over the course of our relationship we broke up and got back together 4 times. Last time she left me was mid May this year.

 

She rebounded with a new guy about 2 months later and they dated for 4-5 weeks. She left him and started seeing someone else not too soon after. Now here is where I come into the picture. We hadn't spoken since early June. 2 weeks ago, we were both at a mutual friends event and ended up talking civilly. Told me she was seeing someone new and was going to meet up with him after the event we were at. She ended up meeting me at the bar late that night. Nothing happened between us, but we continued to hang out and text every day and flirting. Basically she was throwing me breadcrumbs. She even asked why I even bothered to talk to her and I said because I still loved her. She said the same thing.

 

Finally 2 Fridays ago we sat down and talked about what we were doing. She gave me the whole loves me but not in love with me cop out. She made things official with her new guy a few days later. I stopped talking to her and blocked her on all social media. And now...I was told last night she was at the bar after I left with the first ex after me. Basically doing the same thing to him she was doing with me. But she has a bf, why do this?

 

I can only guess for the same reasons you wrote down yourself. She is trying to validate herself and feel safe when things are not going great for her with her new guy. It's really sad. I am more mad at myself that I fell for it, but I am also glad nothing further came from it. It sucks because I feel dumped again, but at least I know that I am in a better place than her overall. She is a hot mess and has no idea wtf she is doing with her life.

 

I will not sink with the Titanic!

[organizedchaos]

Hi all,

 

I posted on here looking for advice for my particular breakup situation and then another topic on advice when my ex called me crying saying she missed me and that she still loved me and wanted to know if I loved her. I told you all that I would write back with how everything worked out.

 

It didn't.

 

After posting on here straight after her phone call, my adrenaline was pumping, my heart was racing, my hopes were shooting through the roof no matter how grounded I tried to be. Some people commented "You should have never answered the phone". But I thought, "This is different, though. We truly loved each other and had such a connection. We're meant to be. This is it. I'll give her time and space, but we'll end up back together."

 

My friends, do NOT fall into this trap. Just don't. If you thought the BREAKUP was bad, being strung along and carrying false hope will be much, much worse. Take it from me. Things like constantly checking their Facebook for updates, seeing the last time they were online "She hasn't been online in a few hours, is she with the guy?" It's a very unhealthy obsession, and this is coming from a guy who has ALWAYS been very confident, nonchalant, and driven in life.

 

She found some excuse that she couldn't meet up over the weekend. The next week she would text old inside jokes, call, and even stopped by my apartment a few times while I was out. She told me she missed me so much, that she wasn't happy with the new guy, and that she was confused and scared of getting hurt again. She got jealous when she found out I was hanging out with another girl. I thought to myself, "This is it. It's only a matter of time before she leaves her rebound and comes back to my arms."

 

Then she would go cold. Since my head wasn't quite clear, I always found some way to justify it.

 

THIS IS NOT HER WAY OF COMING BACK TO YOU. THIS IS HER WAY OF HAVING THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. PLAYING ON YOUR EMOTIONS TO FEEL WANTED AND FEEL SECURE THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THERE IN CASE THINGS DO NOT WORK OUT WITH THE REBOUND. IT. IS. NOT. GENUINE.

 

It happened last night when I saw her Facebook status with her and the new guy "It doesn't get much better than this". Everything came crashing down. I was devastated and so angry. But once that subsided, I gained a clear head and remembered why I broke up with her in the first place. In a strange way, I'm glad it happened. Now I can look at everything with a clear head and remember WHY I broke up with her in the first place. I know there will be times where I'm lonely or go through withdrawals, but at least I have some peace of mind knowing that I DID do the right thing - the first time.

 

Maintain NC. No matter if she tries to guilt trip you for it, accuse you of not changing, gets angry, sad, whatever. Do NOT entertain anything unless she's banging at your door saying she wants to get back together RIGHT now. Even then, be EXTREMELY cautious.

 

Spare yourself. Because no matter how bad the breakup hurts and how hopeless things feel, I promise you it will only make things SO much worse if you let someone string you along with false hope and breadcrumbs only to be devastated.

 

I hope this helps some of you out if you're doubting what to do or may have a similar situation to mine. Stay strong.

 

So I'm assuming in your advocacy of NC you have now unfriended or blocked her on Facebook?

[frankvega]

This is so true.

 

The only thing that works it to compleatly block them. Change your number delete your Facebook completely don't block them from FB just straight up delete your account. Delete whatsapp, everything!!!!

 

Now the only way of them contacting you is for them to literally bang your door down.

 

My ex used to give me breadcrumbs and I used to gobble them like they were an entire cake. It makes me sick how pathetic I was. I did the above and guess who came banging my door at 7 in the morning. She literally had to jump the freaking fence and almost kicked my door down.

[Mark-e-Mark]

Damn..... I am so glad i came across this... Man, I just went through the same thing, Hurt like hell.... I had my ex move out until we can work on this some issues we were having, during the "issues" time I had confronted her about this new guy she friended on facebook (she would be up all hours of the night online) she would share some info about this guy that i thought was completely inappropriate for her to be talking about, especially while we were not doing so well. She said i had nothing to be concerned about.... 2 weeks after she gets into apartment.... Guess who she is dating lol??? then strings me along for 4 months... Harsh for sure. Now how could someone do this to the man they created a family with????? I mean..... the man that busted his ass to make sure you can be a stay at home mom, since hers abandoned her, while our daughter is young and not in school????? The man who paid for everything to support our whole family (5) and still came home to help with house work and kids?

 

anyhow! phew lol

 

thanks for sharing, and yes I fully agree, don't fall for the breadcrumbs... you will just end up burnt in the end.

Signed * 4month fool*

[Early Bird]

Hey Organized, yes I've taken care of all of that as well.

 

Today she tried calling me three times, but I didn't answer the phone. No voicemail from her, no text. Sticking to NC, because at this point I know I HAVE to - for my own sake.

 

That small voice in the back of my head says "You should respond and explain", but I ignored it. If it continues or goes overboard, I'll shoot her a polite and brief text explaining that I need time alone to focus on other things. I know she's going to use that as a "You haven't changed. There's no way I'll get back with you." or try to guilt trip me.

 

As hard as it'll be, I'll have to ignore that "hook" and keep at it. I'm so glad I found this forum and the wonderfully supportive people who are here.