Jump to content

He came back and left again 3 months later


Recommended Posts

Wow. I can't say that I assumed I'd be back on these forums, lets just say I hoped I wouldn't have to be. After all of the sound advice to guard my heart the last time and support I received I'm right back where I started. For those of you who don't know my story feel free to check out my previous threads but in short I was dating one of my friends for almost a year when we moved in with one another and then after a fight and tension from moving rose he decided to "move out" breaking up with me over the phone when we shared a place together and had lived together for most of our relationship. He then proceeded to try and convince me to give him the apartment for a short while, and refused to pay his half of bills. But he put things off, each week was another excuse. Then after 3 1/2 weeks or so after he had bought his own dog, and found another apartment that he put money down on with friends he had some type of revelation that he was "madly in love with me" and "so sorry" and that we "fought too much but it doesn't change anything about how he feels" and that what he did was "immature and angry" ... foolishly I said he could come over to talk, and it was a pleasant feeling to watch him hysterically cry at our kitchen table about how sorry he was, how in love he was, what an idiot he was and so forth. Knowing him for as long as I have I believe in his eyes he was being honest. He doesn't handle his emotions well and he was raised to be relatively insensitive and suck things up, topped with a short temper. He explained that the first week he really felt he was done, he was so angry and didn't know why and that the second week when he calmed down he was too stubborn and didn't want to go back on his word so he began binge drinking and trying to distract himself, but that by the third week he was having nightmares and not eating and was utterly miserable and feeling like his whole life was wrong.

 

As I explained in previous posts, I took him back slowly and guarded. I didn't let him move back in, but rather we both actively discussed issues in the relationship that needed work. Us spending too much time together, not communicating properly on his end or responding to my issues with care rather than hostility, so on and so forth. Its difficult for me to grasp that he is younger, and much more immature than I am so when he says things they can't be taken at face value because I don't think he has any clue what these things really mean. Either way we got back together and things were seemingly wonderful, and when things leveled off you could see a significant change and improvement from what we had been before at least effort wise. I was fighting less and talking more, he was fighting less and listening more. We had a few fights over my insecurities of things since we broke up I had some trust issues he would do it again and told him from day one he would have to be patient and that things wouldnt change over night.

 

Over the past few weeks things came to head, and stress starting creeping into the relationship once again. But I worked so hard over the past 3 months to try and solidify the relationship to where we could work through things with one another, I tried to be my best and get rid of the habits of being aggressive or picking fights but because of all the stress the tension was building, so I found us having to have "talks" much more consistently for me to get the assurance I needed and to not blow up on him for being insensitive to some of the things that were happening in my life.

 

Everything blew up last friday. The week before I found out I was pregnant and was very torn up and stressed about it and the situation, while he was honest that he wasnt ready he also was much more supportive and caring to my needs but regardless I was a mess, and stressed beyond repair. Two days before we broke up I started spotting and assumed I was having a miscarriage which really messed me up emotionally, and was also a relief in some respects as well. Last Friday was our 14 month anniversary and ironically 3 months to the day of when he came back after our first break up. I was emotional and I felt like I wasnt getting what I was giving in the relationship. I felt like all of my effort was going unnoticed and he was becoming more and more lazy again. We were supposed to do something nice with one another but I got frustrated when his friend called and he told his friend that all of our friends would be at our regular watering hole the usual. I felt like thats where he would have preferred to have been so I said we could go there, and when he said we didnt need to because he knew I didnt want to go there, I got really angry. In my hormonal mind I wanted him to say that he didnt want to go, that he wanted to spend quality time with me. But I forced him and I to go to the bar despite that and he didnt seem to displeased about it. I ignored him most of the night and he made a few attempts to include me but slowly gave up and started playing pool with friends. After a few hours I felt sick with stress and wanted to go home, I asked him if he could take me because he drove and if he wanted he could come back after, and he said he would after his pool game. An hour later I felt my anger creeping up, he had been relatively mean and inconsiderate all night and when i asked him again when he was taking me home he said he had just put money in the jukebox and started a new game of pool, to which I snapped. Before I knew it we were both outside yelling at one another, and in a fit of rage when he suggested I take a cab home instead of being considerate to me, I pushed him. I immediately regretted it and he ended up with a scratch on his neck. I walked away to calm down which everyone blew up about as well, when I came back he took me home and said he was moving out. I couldnt believe it.

 

The next morning he got up and started packing his things all huffy. I asked him to sit down for a second and said that if it was that easy for him to go that I didnt want him to stay, that all I could do was respect his decision but that I was truly sorry for putting my hands on him that there was absolutely no excuse for it pregnant, hormonal or anything else and that I wished I could take it back. He sat in silence for about 30 minutes, got up and yelled " you think this is easy?!" and then said he needed to cool down and get out of the house and think about things but that he was leaving his stuff and the dog and stuff. We talked for a little while and he seemed to change his tone, he made it seem like we would work through it, it was a petty 10 minute fight. He went to his families house for lunch. A few hours later I texted him and told him I walked and fed his dog and asked him what the deal was and he said he was moving out again. He came back to the house again to discuss things and pack more, and I found myself not begging but trying to convince him that this was not a good reason to end things that we had been doing good and this week was just an old habits die hard situation but that i ddint deserve this treatment. He said he was done, that he couldnt do it anymore, that I was never going to "change" and that he had never had a relationship in his life where a fight happened like that. I was baffled, I started dating this guy when he was 20 years old, how dare he even look at his previous relationships as anything? Those women were kids and he cheated on them and broke up with them every other week. Of course there were never fights with them like that, he never got a girl pregnant, he never moved in with them and so forth. This was the first real life relationship hes ever had and hes comparing it to the ease of being in a relationship as a teenager when neither had any responsibilities financially, or had to work or do much of anything that can put tension on a relationship.

 

He being just as cold as he was the last break up despite admitting last time it was horrible and immature. We havent really spoken since then other then trying to figure out when we should get together to split things up. He came a few days ago when I was at work to get all of his things, and this time unlike last he packed up all of the dishes and things that were his as well. He wanted to come the next night to split things up and "be done with this sht" but I had to work late and had a doctors appointment so it got put off.

 

I'm completely beside myself. I feel like such a fool and like everything he said was a lie. I truly made an effort to make the relationship good, I was supportive and kind, I took care of him and had his back, and I made a mistake and got into a stupid fight with him and now its all crap? It doesn't make sense, I forgave him for worse, I loved him through more and now I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be getting neck surgery in a month that will put me out of work for a month with no income and also leave me incapable of taking care of my dog, and he was supposed to help with that and now I dont know what to do. This whole thing is a nightmare that I'm reliving again and I guess thats my own fault for taking him back in the first place but it still is heart wrenching. I know this time he wont come back, I know because of the finality of it all, hes not putting off getting things like last time, and I know his pride is too high even if he second guesses himself to come back a second time when his family and friends all have heard about the break up as of now. The night we broke up officially he even said it wouldnt be like last time that he was truly done. But for some reason I have this false hope that itll be like last time, because last time he said "this is so out of my element to come back because I'm stubborn" and he still came back. I guess as sick as it is to even want this guy in my life when he obviously doesnt want to be in it, I hope that its like last time where hes just really angry the first week and then slowly starts to see the relationship and me for the worth it possesses.

 

Any input would be appreciated. I'm sorry its so long. All of my friends are his friends so I dont feel comfortable confiding in them, so this is really all I have as a means of support.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, it sounds like you both bring out the worst in each other.

 

It really doesn't matter that you've been with him since you were 20. He has every right to look at past relationships and compare them to you. After reading this whole thing, the relationship sounds completely debilitating to both of you, and highly toxic.

 

It got SO bad that it resulted in you putting your hands on him and him walking away injured!

 

It doesn't sound like you have really changed as a person, it sounds like you bottled your true nature and it all came exploding to the surface. You sound passive aggressive, he sounds inconsiderate, and the two of you just need to step away.

 

Your ex is NOT a mind reader. If you were annoyed that he wasn't telling his friends he didn't want to go out and to spend quality time with you, you should have SAID SO. You shouldn't have forced him to go out and then behaved like a bitch the whole night. (Sorry, you were.) You ignored him even when he was trying to include you, you were passive aggressive and then instead of actually communicating--- which... wasn't this the thing you were supposed to be working on??? You completely explode and cause a scene, in PUBLIC no less, and start screaming and acting like a lunatic.

 

You may not LITERALLY be one, but if I passed two people on the street and saw this? that's what I would think.

 

It sounds like you've both given each other numerous chances, and the same issues are still there. Know when enough is enough. This is not healthy. Is this how you want a LIFE LONG relationship to be? This is what you'd want a future child to be around? Such disrespect, and dysfunction?

 

How long you've been together holds no weight on whether you two should stay together or continue to try and force something to work when it's obvious it's not. Usually people stay together for many wrong reasons, length of relationship being one of those reasons.

 

I'm not sure why you think everything he said was a lie. I doubt it was. But the relationship is not healthy, and enough is enough. He's had enough. He shouldn't be obligated to remain with you in such a miserable situation just because he said things in the past. Things change, especially when stuff like this is going on.

 

I think you are a very active participant in this relationship not working, and from reading this I'm not quite sure you're actually aware how much your actions have reactions and consequences.

 

If I was with someone who thought it was OK to get THAT irrationally angry enough to put their hands on me, and push me, that would be it. Done. Finished. Forever. I wouldn't care how many years we had spent together, I wouldn't care if there were children involved. I wouldn't care how much he apologized or professed his remorse or regret. DONE. Happens once? It'll happen again.

 

If you can't even be back together with him for a few months without that happening, FORGET a life time relationship.

 

I think you'd both benefit massively from individual counseling to learn how to react in a manner that isn't abusive and toxic.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Bubs, first of all I am very sorry that you are going through this again.

 

Is this the second time you've gotten pregnant by him? The past ending you noted that when you got pregnant, you got hormonal and things went south. Is this your second pregnancy? With a 20 year old that provided you with zero security?

 

Why are you making these choices for yourself -- knowing that you have a relationship that has shaky foundation -- why? You can't even manage rent on your own, etc.? Why aren't you protecting yourself?

 

Aside from that, you both need to go separate ways because this is not going to work. It would be best if you invest your time in working on what you believe are your issues.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

"It got SO bad that it resulted in you putting your hands on him and him walking away injured! "

 

Yes I agree we blew up on one another, the yelling was only a minute long and he was in my face and I pushed him, not hard and not in a way where he walked away injured, he got a scratch because as he went backwards my nail was still on his neck coming forward which even he admitted to. Again not making excuses just getting into more detail of the story.

 

"It doesn't sound like you have really changed as a person, it sounds like you bottled your true nature and it all came exploding to the surface. You sound passive aggressive, he sounds inconsiderate, and the two of you just need to step away."

 

I have never put my hands on someone before or snapped like that, and I don't rationalize or excuse myself for that behavior, I am not proud of it, I don't have an excuse for it, and it would never happen again, it was outrageous of me to push him no matter what the circumstances. Or to yell outside like that which has again never happened before and I am humiliated with myself.

 

"

Your ex is NOT a mind reader. If you were annoyed that he wasn't telling his friends he didn't want to go out and to spend quality time with you, you should have SAID SO. You shouldn't have forced him to go out and then behaved like a bitch the whole night. (Sorry, you were.) You ignored him even when he was trying to include you, you were passive aggressive and then instead of actually communicating--- which... wasn't this the thing you were supposed to be working on??? You completely explode and cause a scene, in PUBLIC no less, and start screaming and acting like a lunatic."

 

I apologize again for the lack of information in my first story but I did tell him these things. I told him before we left that I was upset because I wanted him to want to spend quality time with me, not want to go to the local watering hole and even on the way there I asked him if we could go elsewhere, there was a moment before this that I said no we are going which is why I said I forced him to go to the bar in a sense, but then when I explained myself he still insisted on going. Yes he tried to reach out to me at the bar and i ignored his advances and even explained to him my reasoning for them, that I wasnt going to pretend like nothing was wrong, that we would talk back at the house and that I wanted to go home to calm down. As for the screaming and acting like a lunatic, we both went outside and tried to talk and he began yelling, which is what the whole blowing up thing was, I blew up when i pushed him while he was in my face yelling at me.

 

"

It sounds like you've both given each other numerous chances, and the same issues are still there. Know when enough is enough. This is not healthy. Is this how you want a LIFE LONG relationship to be? This is what you'd want a future child to be around? Such disrespect, and dysfunction?"

 

absolutely not, this is not to say that I didnt love him and that I'm not hurting despite that. He is young and when I am upset or bothered by something and try to express my feelings he belittles it. Of course I don't want that however this is not to say that when he came back 3 months ago the arguments were disrespectful or dysfunctional, things were changing we were working on communicating better, again I found out i was pregnant and flipped out and he did as well with his behavior and I believe that in some respects thats extenuating circumstances for people to behave out of their normal character.

 

"

I think you are a very active participant in this relationship not working, and from reading this I'm not quite sure you're actually aware how much your actions have reactions and consequences."

 

I am very much aware that I actively participated in the relationship not working, I am also very much aware that my actions have reactions and consequences, again I am not excusing my behavior from that night, all I can do is be regretful and apologetic and learn from it, and thats all I've done with any mistakes I've made. A relationship is about respect, dignity, love, and also mistakes... people are human and learning the yes and nos of what a persons boundaries are takes time. I think everyone is misconstrued as to the time my boyfriend and I had been together, it was 14 months, we were friends for years before that. So again within that time, especially since we are both stubborn people I have made a ton of mistakes in learning what he is or isnt ok with, but with each one I have refrained from doing it again. Obviously it goes without saying that any physical violence is not acceptable behavior I'm just speaking of other fights and things that happened along the way.

 

"

If I was with someone who thought it was OK to get THAT irrationally angry enough to put their hands on me, and push me, that would be it. Done. Finished. Forever. I wouldn't care how many years we had spent together, I wouldn't care if there were children involved. I wouldn't care how much he apologized or professed his remorse or regret. DONE. Happens once? It'll happen again. "

 

 

I'm not quite understanding this because you said if you were with someone who thought it was OK to get that irrationally angry enough to put their hands on you that would be it, and then concluded you wouldnt care how much they apologized or professed remorse. I would NEVER think it was ok to get that irrationally angry or put my hands on anyone, which is why i express remorse and regret for it, Im not sitting here saying he deserved it whether he was screaming in my face or not. As for the happens once, itll happen again this is just not true. I have had relationships for well over a decade now and not once have a put my hands on any of them or behaved in that manner, and I don't intend on doing it again. I just dont feel thats a fair statement.

 

"

If you can't even be back together with him for a few months without that happening, FORGET a life time relationship."

 

Obviously a lifetime relationship is out of the question seeing as he broke up with me. And the time we were back together has no weight about what happened, this man has gotten me pregnant twice within an 8 month span, and there were circumstances that led to the blow out that wouldnt normally happen had that situation not come up but I had underlying angst from the previous pregnancy about how he refused to support it and so forth, which I discussed with him on numerous occasions through the grieving process and the entire week leading up to our argument the second time.

 

 

 

I'm sorry I really do appreciate your feedback and that you took the time to read my story and give me advice. I'm not trying to come off like I am trying to debunk anything you are saying, you are absolutely right the relationship wasnt healthy if it got to that point and we both are to blame for it ultimately, unfortunatly it doesnt change the fact that I am very much hurt that we couldnt continue to work through these things together especially after I accepted him back into my life again and really was treating him up until that very point with the utmost respect and love. It was a mistake I'll have to live with forever, and he will have to live for his mistakes as well. It doesn't change the hurt or the pain or the feeling that I was lied to. I verbally expressed any feelings I had throughout the relationship, he had a difficult time expressing his feelings, or being attentive in general. He comes from a family where they dont seem to condone verbally abusing women or belittling peoples feelings and its very difficult to function on a normal cognitive level when you are with someone who is emotionally hot and cold and very aggressive and short tempered. I am not normally like this and never have been in any of my relationships previously, but like you said we seemingly brought out the worst in one another. I still need people to confide in, I still hurt and love him, none of that has changed. I still worry for him at this moment because he's drinking himself into oblivion like he does anytime he becomes single again. I have known this person for a long time and the attachment remains no matter how dysfunctional.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi Z good to hear from you especially since you were so involved during the last break up . He is 22 now, and yes this is the second pregnancy. I am trying to protect myself with the rent and so forth, and was trying to. I took him back for any reason any one would, I loved him and he seemed truly sorry for what he put me through. I thought that we were actively working on understanding one another better and each others behavior. He explained that when he gets angry he doesn't think of other people or anything else, but that because hes so stubborn and prideful he also doesn't know how to apologize when he knows hes wrong and so forth. We had many a talks about things we could do to improve the situation. I guess I was making excuses for him and myself... he referred to it all as "growing pains" of what I had to go through with him, that each experience was new to him and thats why he behaved to irratically. I was trying to do right by him, stand by his side and give him the time and patience it took to mature and learn how to coexist. And I was also putting forth a much harder effort to no longer argue with him, but to get him to communicate with me (though we seemed to hit a brick wall with that on friday night) ...

 

It's difficult to want the relationship to be over, I know to everyone on this forum that sounds insane, because they are hearing about the break up and that kind of emotional chaos and not what we had, or what we shared. We were best friends. We both come from rough pasts, and I did the proper grieving and learned coping mechanisms for it while he did not, and I just felt that we had a great connection and that we worked well together except when I got pregnant. Like I said he doesnt handle emotions well, and once I got pregnant I cried all week long not knowing what to do or handle things, and it seemed to take its toll on him and how he was treating me which only furthered my frustration and desperation in a lot of ways to have things go back to the way they were just the week before, which was wonderful.

 

I know I should move on with my life, I know now I really dont have a choice. But its difficult for me to do that when I'm in love with him and only want to make up for my mistakes. I considered him my family. I forgave him and would gladly forgive him again, and I'm foolish for that just like he would be foolish to forgive me for pushing him that night, but I cant help wanting to be with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie

Aww bubs I'm so sorry x u know once the dust has settled he's going to try to come back dont u so u need to take control here. He obviously can't cope with stress or change & you can't cope with his not coping so really, for the time being, this isn't going to work x u need to find the strength within u to get through this & concentrate on yourself x

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi Z good to hear from you especially since you were so involved during the last break up . He is 22 now, and yes this is the second pregnancy. I am trying to protect myself with the rent and so forth, and was trying to.

 

Trying to protect yourself in terms of getting pregnant when it is absolutely irresponsible to bring a child into such a dysfunctional situation. You were pregnant once, had a miscarriage and he bailed. Three months into a second try, what would make you think that getting pregnant again would be a wise choice? I hate to be coming down on you but you need to make better choices for yourself. The last time, you couldn't manage your bills with him leaving. You were so depressed and worried about how to even take care of your dog. What would have happened if you had a baby and he bailed again? There is a bigger picture, Bubs.

 

I took him back for any reason any one would, I loved him and he seemed truly sorry for what he put me through. I thought that we were actively working on understanding one another better and each others behavior.

 

It's fine that you gave him a second chance but it's a pattern and it's repeated itself and you have to learn from this.

 

We were best friends.

 

Unfortunately, a relationship changes that dynamic. Maybe you were better as friends but in a relationship, you both aren't able to function together.

 

I know I should move on with my life, I know now I really dont have a choice. But its difficult for me to do that when I'm in love with him and only want to make up for my mistakes. I considered him my family. I forgave him and would gladly forgive him again, and I'm foolish for that just like he would be foolish to forgive me for pushing him that night, but I cant help wanting to be with him.

 

It's normal that you still want him but I don't believe this is a healthy situation for you. There is a reason why it keeps breaking.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you heartbroken- i dont believe this time he will come back although ive been hoping he does, he said this time was different and hes seems to be truly done with the situation. I guess I cant blame him but it still hurts after all of my effort.

 

Z-i didnt get pregnant either time intentionally, hence the stress and high emotions of it all. The reason why the fighting was occuring was because i knew that if i were to keep the child i would be doing it on my own regardless because of his immaturity although he offered support its just how i felt. The fact of the natter is that you are right despite that. I really was trying to take care of myself, i got a promotion at work though still not enough to truly cover my bills and my surgery would ultimately entail a settlement that would relieve me of some of the bills thatcwere making it difficult to cover rent. However now that we are broken up it will be difficult to take off work for the recovery of the surgery so im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

 

 

Its been 8 days now and like last time I feel like im getting progressively worse rather than better. I feel awful for my behavior that night regardless of what he did or didnt do to egg it on theres no excuse. I am up and down emotionally, more often than not i have the urge to send a sincere apology email just so he knows i take full responsibility but every now and again i refrain because i know that he will use it to excuse his behavior or wrong contributions to the relationship entirely.

 

At times i feel pathetic for pining over someone that seemingly didnt even have too much consideration for my feelings or needs when i spent every waking minute thinking of ways to make him happy. Other times i feel like maybe i expected too much and was so concerned with being treated like a doormat that i became high maintenance and didnt cut him the slack he deserved. Other times like now Im just utterly saddened with the loss, i so badly want to speak with him as humans despite how cold hes been,but its impossible to approach the unapproachable. Do you think sending the apology email would alleviate some of the pain im experiencing?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Its been 8 days now and like last time I feel like im getting progressively worse rather than better.

 

And feeling the way you do is normal. It gets worse before it gets better. YOu just have to give it time and allow for yourself to grieve and let go of the relationship.

 

i so badly want to speak with him as humans despite how cold hes been,but its impossible to approach the unapproachable. Do you think sending the apology email would alleviate some of the pain im experiencing?

 

No, don't send another email. It may cause you more pain if he ignores it and don't use sending another a apology to get a reaction. You apologized for your actions and he decided that it was over. Let it be.

 

We have to live with our actions. This is the best thing for you, Bubs. You've tried twice and both times it has ended.

 

When does your lease end?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have no interest in getting a response at all from him, I apologized the night we broke up, but we both said a lot of things, and I felt like he deserved my sincere apology without explanations or excuses, if I were to write him a letter, i would most def include that I would not like him to respond that I understand where he is coming from and that my intentions are not to get an answer from him, that if anything I really couldnt handle an answer to begin with.

 

My lease ends in May, but this apartment is the cheapest I've found around so I dont know what I'll do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have no interest in getting a response at all from him, I apologized the night we broke up, but we both said a lot of things, and I felt like he deserved my sincere apology without explanations or excuses, if I were to write him a letter, i would most def include that I would not like him to respond that I understand where he is coming from and that my intentions are not to get an answer from him, that if anything I really couldnt handle an answer to begin with.

 

My lease ends in May, but this apartment is the cheapest I've found around so I dont know what I'll do.

 

Yes, you have an interest in him responding to you. I believe you said you apologized the morning after and you were calm while he was packing his things and it seemed like he was changing his mind about leaving. Went to his family's home and then he ended it. He knows you are sorry. He knows you are regretful. Leave it alone. I believe the only reason you want to apologize again because it's your only way to provoke a reaction because 8 days of NC and you wanting him back is killing you. Stay strong and keep going forward.

 

I remember you saying that when this first happened you wish you could move to Florida? If I were you, I would hold off on that neck surgery if you can and try to move when the lease is up -- I believe closer to family?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Its been 15 days since we broke up. He was supposed to come yesterday to get his things but said hr couldnt cause he had stuff to do. I broke no contact cause he said that he had to start his whole life over again and none of this would have happened if "i knew how to act like am effing adult" i said that i have been nothing but apologetic and mature and tried to remain civil amd fair in this scenario despite all of the lies and betrayel abd so forth. He was beating around the bush saying we would "discuss" his half of the rent when the time came and yet again trying to dictate everything. Following the advice on this forum from last time i stood up for myself and told him he had no right legally and morally to skip out on his half when he was choosing to leave and that if he was concerned with money that he should stop spending it all at the bar.

 

I told him that i tried to be civil amd there was no reason to behave nasty to one another that the relationship didnt work for its reasons but that we shared mutual friends and i had no interest in the blood bath he was instigating. He said he would be over today to get the remainder of his things. I told him his stuff was packed and ready to go.

 

He was heartless as all hell. And i spent the morning preparing for him to come only for him to text me and tell me he wasnt coming today. He didnt seem fo kean on the idea of me being there because i guess he was trying to aboid having to discuss the lease entirely so i assume hes trying to pull a fast one on me and wait till im at work to come and take things from the house. Why else would he not come today?! If you are so over and done with something that you feel the need to unfriend, unfollow, delete every picture,blame me entirely for the relationships demise, see other people and even be spiteful enough to make ur photo on fb a picture u cut me out of on our anniversary why mot just bite the bullet and come finish the deed unless ur trying to do it when im not around to avoid confrontation? Does he have a legal right to take anytjing we bought together out of this house without my permission? Im not comfortable with him being in the home alone to take what he pleases of what we bought together evenly esp when hes unwilling to even take responsibility for his half of the rent when no ones kicking him out? Idk what to make of this situation any longer. Even if i didnt want to see someone id get it over with if i was tired of the b.s which he seemingly is. So do you guys think hes going to come when im not home? If so, what should i do if i come home to a half empty house?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I never got a response from my previous post and I'm still utterly clueless as to whats going on. I havent heard from him since he said that he wasnt coming last Sunday to get his things. After he said he wasnt coming he blocked me on all social networking sites which is what made me think hes got something up his sleeve I just dont know what.

 

He hasnt come at any point to get anything else. He already got most of his stuff in the first shot, now all thats left is a bag of his winter clothes, his wii, dvd player and grandmothers dishes, as well as whatever it is he intended on splitting from our home that we purchased together.

 

Since we spoke on Saturday or should I say argued I have been livid and disgusted with this whole situation. I realize that I cant force him to get his things as long as his name is on the lease plus rent isnt due until the 6th so he technically paid his half till then, and I assume he will be by tomorrow or the next day to get them rather than putting it off any longer. Its just frustrating for me. I need the finality of it all because its obvious this guy is done and at this point just taunting me or avoiding this situation entirely because its uncomfortable.

 

I have so many other things I need to focus on, I worry that once my surgery is done and all of the other red tape that I'll backslide because I havent been able to truly even process my emotions about it all. I've been busy and been trying to keep busy. I keep my house clean, I work out when I have the time, I pray/watch sermons, I journal, I go to work, I try to socialize with the few people that dont associate with him when they are around. I don't know what else I can do but just accept the hurt and pain I'm experiencing, which is not easy especially since I'm experiencing it for someone who has been so careless with my heart.

 

It's halloween and its making me nostalgic, this time last year we were amping up for a wonderful few nights of celebrating, it was a blast. And now I'm sitting at home with nothing to do trying to avoid the same place everyone I know is going. Its truly depressing for me.

 

I am anxious and apprehensive about this weekend knowing he will probably be coming to get his things and the finality of it all. I've decided since he seemingly is so cold and shut off that despite both of us agreeing originally to sit down and discuss who gets what that I need to protect myself, and I dont want to deal with him or see his face at this point and watch him be a hardass when we used to be so close to one another, so despite my aprehensions about letting him come into the house by himself and take his pick, I know for my sanity its the best thing I can do for myself. So tomorrow morning before I even hear from him I'm going to just go to my grandmothers for a while and then go out or something, and if he doesnt come I guess I will have to be out and about on Sunday as well avoiding this situation entirely.

 

I still dont get why in the hell he keeps putting it off. I know its aggravating and to him its not necessary to get anything seeing as he doesnt have his own place yet, but i figured we both were on the same page that if you want me out of your life so badly that you would get it over with. IDk... rough day.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I still dont get why in the hell he keeps putting it off. I know its aggravating and to him its not necessary to get anything seeing as he doesnt have his own place yet, but i figured we both were on the same page that if you want me out of your life so badly that you would get it over with. IDk... rough day.

 

The last time you went through the ending with him, you hammered on this same topic. Why isn't he getting his things? I'm not sure if you're clinging to the possibility that maybe he's not sure of ending therefore leaving things at the apartment as a lifeline if he changes his mind. Is that what you are hoping for someone to tell you?

 

But I believe you answered your own question. There is no need for him to rush and get these things out of the place when 1) he has paid rent 2) he has nowhere to store these things.

 

In his mind ending it is getting it over and done with. "Stuff" probably doesn't cross his mind as an issue. It's an issue for you because you're more affected by the ending.

 

You have 6 days left before rent is due. For now pack it all up and place it in a corner. Come the 6th and he's bailed on rent, you take his things and drop it wherever he's living. And make that known to him.

Edited by Zahara
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for your response. And no there isnt a shread of hope in me that by leaving his things THIS time that its a possibility he is second guessing himself once again. Like I mentioned in my above post right after he said he wasnt coming he blocked me on everything, I'm well aware that him not picking up his things is not about second guessing his decision, I'm more concerned if its about trying to pull a fast one on me to keep the place or something else along those lines.

 

And normally I'd take my own answer for what it was, that he doesnt care about rushing to get it because its only an inconvenience for him. BUT hes the one that has texted me every weekend saying he is coming to get his ****, and so forth. My thing if its of grave concern to you where you are continously planning on getting your things, why not just get them already? Had he had not mentioned it 3 times the first week, two times the second and so forth I would just assume that he was in no rush and everything else. He has a place to store all of his things where he is, theres no real reason to keep it here except to avoid the situation, which i guess is the answer, but if you are avoiding the situation why keep bringing it up just to put it off? Why not say hey im coming in a month or two or when I get a place and really feel like its worth having to deal with this b.s to come out?

 

All of his things are packed and have been for well over two weeks now. Unlike last time where I left everything as it was in hopes that it prolong the opportunity to see him and so forth, this time I am trying to make it as quick as possible, and like I said I am now not even planning on being here for it to protect myself. Its just aggravating to me to feel so out of control of a situation.

 

I want to be assertive and tell him to get his ****, but I've looked into every legality to try and protect myself and to also have a case at the end of my lease to take him to small claims court if he doesnt come through with the rent. Even if he doesnt pay on the 6th he can still keep his things here legally which is messed up.I cant tell him to get them, I feel like I cant do anything at all.

 

I know this is all annoying to listen to since I went through the same issues last time with him, but this is different, this relationship is over. I am hurting and at times backslide and miss him and so forth, but for the most part unlike last time I have fully come to terms with the fact that this man is finished, and that he is not who I thought he was and will not be coming back. I just am trying to confide to this forum. Like I said I've been avoiding anyone associated with him so I can detach myself entirely from the situation till I'm healed, so I dont have much support. I get its my fault for allowing myself to get in this situation to begin with when he already showed how unreliable he was last time, but its still difficult to go through.

 

While I am worried about finances for the next month or two and my surgery and all of these other things I am dealing with, at this point I am not in the same place I was during the first break up. While I'm heartbroken and healed, I am not praying for a reconciliation, I understand that as much as I miss him or love him and whatever else I can conjure up, that at the end of the day I would be doing myself a disservice to want to get back together, and it would be a pipe dream to begin with to assume someone that stubborn and concerned with saving face would ever have the balls to come back for a second go after the way he has behaved to begin with.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

according to what I have read I have to legally evict him even if he doesnt pay before I can remove his things from the house. And if I evict him I cant take him to claims court for his half. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

Link to post
Share on other sites
according to what I have read I have to legally evict him even if he doesnt pay before I can remove his things from the house. And if I evict him I cant take him to claims court for his half. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

 

I think you went through this before in that you had to come to the conclusion that you would have to carry the apartment on your own.

 

Then legally evict him. If that is your only way out of this hell. There is no rock and hard place.

 

Have you talked to the landlord as to what your options are?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Last night was an utter nightmare in true halloween fashion. After spending two days in the house my friend convinced me to go out with him to try and lift my spirits. Avoiding the place my "friends" and he usually go every year and going to a different town felt like a safe bet. After about 45 minutes i walked with my friend outside and half of my friends were out there and they looked at me like I was the biggest lunatic in the world for being there. I tried to act normal and be civil i still didnt kno if my ex was there till ny friend leaned in and told me.

 

I asked the friend i was with if after he finished his drink we could go, he agreed and he was catching up with a few of my friends while i caught my ex out of the corner of my eye. Everyone was behaving awkwardly and some of my friebds didnt even come say hello. I went to the bathroom to calm down and when i came out everyone had left. It was so unbelievably humiliating to be treated in that way where 15 people would be so disturbed by my prescense that theyd leave the second i looked the other way type thing.

 

Ive never felt that way in my life. The whole thing hurts. I felt pathetic like they all assumed i showed up there like a stalker. It hurts this man i dated, have an apartment with, am pregnant by and that ive been friends with for years is treating me for no reason at all like im some nut dancing around our house with his hair clippings!

 

I dont understand the animosity which ive even said to him. When he cane back last time we had so many discussions where he said behaving so cold and not honoring his half of the rent was immature, terrible and so forth. He swore if something came up again that we would handle it in a respectful manner, and now hes being worse than last time. Hes convinced all of my friends im crazy when all ive tried to do is mind my own business and keep my life in tact. Hes treating me like im the antichrist. When we broke up officially there was no screaming match or anything, i dont understand what changed where theres so much animosity and bad blood. I sent him a polite apology email the first week. I didnt think what i said could peg me as a lunatic, i told him i respected his decision and that i wished him and his family well and if he ever needed anything to let me know. But even after that we spoke once civilly before all hell broke loose.

 

I know i shouldnt care what anyone thinks and it sounds juvenile but I loved this person, i tried to do right by them. I am by no means perfect but i made a conscious effort to be considerate of him even after we ended. Ive decided to get an abortion, which is heart wrenching in itself but i have to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I dont get it at all. I'm not bombarding this guy. I havent begged him or pleaded with him. He knows I'm pregnant and hasnt spoke a word to me about it and I havent even given him a hard time about that. Im not calling incessantly, or texting him day and night. I'm not showing up at his house with a boom box or behaving terribly. Last weekend he was already being nasty before I even broke my silence in it all and in my responses I dont feel I was acting crazy, they may have been long winded but i felt like iwas still remaining respectful.

 

After he texted me nasty stuff about the apartment and everything I said "I dont know what I did to you because you are acting like I cheated on you and killed ur dog when Ive been nothing but respectful to you this entire time. There is no reason to turn this into a war. Im sorry that you think this is unfair,believe me i do just as much as you but you are disrespecting me and the energy and time i invested into the relationship by being a pain. Youre turning things into a blood bath when all you have to do is be civil and follow through with things we previously discussed so we can be on with our lives. You and I had great times together, theres no reason to behave this way, theres no reason to be insensitive."

 

he replied

"We will discuss everything dont you effin worry. I want it to be over I need to restart my whole effen life and start? to save money to get out of my house cause im not allowed to effen be here. dont come at me like im making it so hard, none of this woulda happened in the first place if you knew how to act like an effen adult so ill be over tomorrow"

 

I responded

"If I knew how to act like an adult? Really? Please get another girl pregnant twice within 8 months, treat her with nothing but disrespect, and inconsideration break up with her twice and see how she acts. I have been nothing but an adult in this difficult scenario how dare you blame me. I loved you with everything I had. An adult would understand a situation like that coming up and wouldnt leave to begin with. I have to start my entire life over too dont act like I should feel sorry for you. You were waiting on any mistake you could find to walk. I'm pregnant and alone and you blame me for a stupid argument that took place where we both behaved immaturely but you take no responsibility for ur behavior during or before that lead to it. I blew up because this relationship and myself were disposable to you, you behaved that way constantly. I am not a child and when I tried to speak with you you belittled me and blew up on me. I worked through all of your mistakes with you. You chose to walk out not me so dont even go there. You have been such an insensitive and selfish human being. You walked out on our anniversary when I was emotionally breaking down all week over something u knew was killing me, i was going through something that was huge to me, i wasnt myself and I did everything i could to show you how terribly sorry i was, how much I loved you. Despite it all i still put everything aside to try and be civil with you. To honor the love I had for you the time we spent together, To respect you. You were more concerned with saving face than our relationship and the fact is you broke up with me and are still taking that frustration out on me instead of being adult enough to look at the mistakes youve made because believe me ive looked at mine, I wanted to do this honorably and with kindness. I respected your decision to walk because I love you and you obviously werent happy despite my efforts.

 

He responded

have a good night.

 

He did this to get me upset because he used to do it all the time when i tried to speak to him about things in our relationship.

 

So I responded-

Im sorry but that fight is no excuse for you to blame only me for you having to change your own life. I'm sorry that ur family wont allow you to continue living there with the dog. I want tomorrow to be about what it needs to be about and be done with it all. I never kicked you out, I said we could make it work even if we werent together. Ive tried to be fair to you to the best of my ability. If you need to save money you shouldnt be spending all of it at the bar. I'm sorry you feel like ur life is going to hell, i dont want you to be unhappy despite whatever it is ur putting me through. You see nothing but what you want to see when I truly did my best. You know in ur heart my intentions have always been good for you, People arent perfect I made plenty of mistakes. I was loyal to you regardless. Everything of yours is packed minus what i dont have boxes for in the hall. Text me when you are on ur way tomorrow."

 

This was last saturday and besides my apology email this was all that was said by me in the 3 weeks we've been broken up that I would even put on the same field as "crazy" so i just dont understand why theres so much hatred when I have done nothing but try to keep the peace?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I responded

"If I knew how to act like an adult? Really? Please get another girl pregnant twice within 8 months, treat her with nothing but disrespect, and inconsideration break up with her twice and see how she acts.

 

I'm sorry, but your ex is not the only one accountable. You are responsible for getting pregnant. The responsibility does not fall on him. Getting pregnant twice with someone that has provided you zero stability is NO one else's fault but yours. You make bad choices. He disrespected you the last time around but you chose again to go back to him. And the way you reacted this last time around was uncalled for. There are no adults in this situation.

 

When you first broke up, I believe the advice was that you stay away from this circle of friends because it may just cause you discomfort. You chose to go and hang out with these people. He probably told them you were emotionally volatile and put your hands on him. They have A version of the story. And maybe that is why they are alienating you.

 

As to why he is so cold and angry, no one can tell you why. It could be as simple as trying to gaslight you. It doesn't matter anymore. Stay away from him the best you can unless you need to talk to him about his things/apartment/rent.

 

The best and only thing for you to do is try to get the apartment/stuff issue settled and focus on yourself and how you're going to manage the apartment, the dog, the surgery, finances and most importantly, bringing a child into this dysfunction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have taken full responsibility for my behavior and my mistakes in this scenario. Again on friday I went out with someone NOT associated to any of our mutual friends with the exception of knowing some of their names. I went to a location to which Ive never seen ANY of our mutual friends at. I was doing everything in my power to avoid a scenario like that coming up. When I said to my ex trying knocking a broad up and so forth and see how she acts I was in no way implying I had nothing to do with that scenario, as I also said to him in that conversation that i was well aware my behavior was innapropriate and I tried to express how terribly sorry I was for that.

 

Obviously this whole thing is beginning to agitate thread users. Despite my obvious mistakes of taking him back and also allowing my emotions and anger to get the best of me by pushing him, it doesnt negate the heartache, confusion and loss of both my friendships or boyfriend. I cant take back the fact that i shoved him in front of my friends, but I have made every effort in this break up to try and be kind, civil and apologetic. I donr have any support and no matter what happened this is still a man I loved that i sacrificed for and trusted, a man that has now turned my friends against me negating the fact that he broke up with me while i was pregnant with a surgery in less than a month. Yes in a perfect world I would have been more cautious and strong and never took him back and none of this mess would have happened. But I cant change that I loved him and would have done whatever I needed to to try and make it work, im kicking myself in the ass enough for it as is. If things were as simple as letting it go or taking things as they are this website would cease to exist. Ill take your advice and accept the consequences of shoving my boyfriend at a bar one night... And Ill get the abortion as planned and get through it. Thank you for all of the support and advice and time youve invested.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If things were as simple as letting it go or taking things as they are this website would cease to exist.

 

BUBS, it's not so much that posters are getting agitated with your posts. I hardly believe that but more so you get to the point of not knowing how to advise someone that clearly chooses to keep repeating the same mistakes.

 

You keep focusing on the surface -- apologizing to him for your mistakes that night. But if you dig deeper, question the mistakes that you are making -- getting pregnant twice by this man. You are in no position to have a healthy relationship if you can't see past a deeper demon you have within you. Any woman after one pregnancy and experiencing a man abandoning her after making a commitment to a year's lease for an apartment -- has the ability to understand that there is no way in hell she would be getting pregnant again by someone that exhibited zero reliability. Instead, you get pregnant again. What does that tell you about yourself? Stop focusing on the surface level fights, etc. with him. This isn't about that anymore.

 

A part of me wonders if you did it because you felt that a child would make him commit to your long term. I can't for the life of me fathom your sense.

 

I understand you love him and that you are hurting but love just isn't enough. While he was possibly never ready for round two, you on the other hand, I don't think you were emotionally mature and healthy for a relationship. Second time around, your patterns of emotional volatility resurfaced. Unfortunately, all you can do is take steps to remove him from your life now. Yes, you apologized to him etc., but that's not the root of the issues.

 

If evicting him is your only option, then you have to do it. It doesn't hurt for you to talk to your landlord and find out what your options are. If he doesn't pay rent by the 6th, find out how you evict him.

 

Maybe this is the kick for you to start focusing on healing yourself and working out your issues. As I said before, love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. I hope once you have settled the issues with your ex in terms of his things, you will take time away from dating and maybe try to even see a counselor to help you get through your healing.

Edited by Zahara
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...