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Is there such a thing as fear of commitment?


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BeautyPrincess

My ex broke up with me a couple of weeks ago because he was scared of the future. This is after talking about living together as recent as 2 weeks before the breakup. He says I've done nothing wrong and it's all his issues, I'm amazing etc, he loves me, our relationship was perfect, all things he told me whilst breaking up. He literally cried so much when he ended it and didn't want to leave, he stood in my hallway with his head in his hands crying!! We've been in contact since and he's told me how he's struggling and misses me every day. I'm pretty confident in his feelings for me (I think!) but how do I work out how he is feeling/how to get him back, if he says that the reason we broke up is because the future scared him?! He has now also deleted me on facebook as well after I saw on there that he is taking a friend away for our weekend away, that I had paid for and he hadn't mentioned it! I called him out on it and told him it hurt me, so now he's deleted me?!

 

I've never loved someone so much to be honest. Our relationship was always amazing! We have broken up once before but we got through that and he told me at that time that he'd been scared about the future then as well. Since then our relationship got stronger. He helped me get through some of my own issues. We spoke about the future, living together etc and he booked a mortgage appt for us. 2 weeks before the breakup we'd just got back from a week long holiday and he was talking about next years holiday and going to Paris etc. I just don't get how things have changed so quickly! He'd said he was feeling pressured about the future, but not from me, it was always him bringing up the future.

 

I'm so confused, has anyone else experienced this?!

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I broke it up with a girl who I was in a relationship with for 6 years. I was young back then, she was the most amazing person that I have ever been with and I really had no reason to break up with her.

 

But I still did. Because, of some stupid thought that we were on a make or break situation. I was not ready to get married at the time. I broke her heart, and it was the stupidest thing I have ever done.

 

So, yes, sometimes people fear commitment.

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BeautyPrincess

Didn't u try to get her back at any point? I know me and him have broken up before, but it appears to be the same reasons for him and I'm not sure he's coping so well? We only broke up a couple of weeks ago but we're together 1.5 years. I was never ready for marriage, he knew that. He just said that he was worried that if we stayed together then 6/12 months down the line he'd feel the same and then we'd both have out more time in?! He admitted that our relationship was perfect and he couldn't fault me which is why I'm so confused! Does any of this make sense to u?

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our relationship was perfect and he couldn't fault me which is why I'm so confused!

That is it isn't it? Some people pull the plug themselves as (un)consiously they believe the situation is to good to be true. They sabotage their relationships to fulfil the self-fulfilling prophecy, as they are afraid to be hurt. Have I experienced that treatment, yes I have. Can we do something? Well you can perhaps, if he recognizes it as a problem himself. If he does than perhaps he wants to work on it in therapy. If not, well than you best can say goodbye to him, as we can't change people and patterns that probably have been formed in early childhood.

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Thing is, I didn't fully realize how perfect she was until I got into a series of horrible relationships. It took me 2 years to call her up and say I am sorry and how thick faced I was to be calling her up.

 

She's married now and lives and Germany and after 4 years I am still blocked from her fb. (Yes, I still search for her form time to time, to no avail)

 

When I broke up with her, it was out of blue, a sudden blow. I bet she was as confused as you are now. And I have recently been dumped the same way.. so I wouldn't have understood that feeling until it happened to me.

 

Know this, if he ever meant anything about you being great and perfect and all. Down the line, there will be a big possibility he will regret leaving you. Focus on healing yourself and fill the void that he left. Understand that some people just needs to learn things the hard way. Maybe he needs to experience that to know how valuable you really are.

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BeautyPrincess

@itspointless mmm I think that's what happened, it's all about the future for him and assuming it wouldn't work, but a few weeks before he was wanting to know if we were going to move in together?! He told me when he finished it that he knew it was his issues and that commitment scares him. He's so good at giving advice, but can't take it, he admitted that. But to me we were committed for 1.5yrs anyway, what's the difference?!

 

@mav3rik me and him have been through this before and he came back after 2 months but I'm not sure if it'll happen again as he said he doesn't want to do this again in the future. The majority of me wants him back, but a small part is worried it'll happen again. We were so happy!

 

How do u guys think I should play it from here? Like I said he's deleted me on fb, I think to stop me from feeling rubbish about him going on our weekend trip? But we both have clothes etc of each other's, so we need to swap them. Is 3 weeks after break up too soon to ask if he wants to meet up to exchange things and talk?

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How do u guys think I should play it from here? Like I said he's deleted me on fb, I think to stop me from feeling rubbish about him going on our weekend trip?

 

So, this guy is taking someone else on a vacation that you paid for? And you're sitting back and trying not to feel like rubbish. Cancel the thing. Get a refund. Take a loss. You mention it to him and he blocks you? He doesn't say, "I'm sorry I'm a tool, I should have never done that. How can we get your money back? Can I pay you back for my share?" I don't care what he fears -- why aren't you focusing on the blatant disregard and disrespect?

 

But we both have clothes etc of each other's, so we need to swap them. Is 3 weeks after break up too soon to ask if he wants to meet up to exchange things and talk?

 

No talking. When a man is ending it with you because he's scared to see a future with you -- you don't sit down and negotiate with him and try to make him want you. It is his responsibility to win you back and regain your trust. It isn't your responsibility to chase a man that isn't sure about you. What do you think in his mind changes in 3 weeks?

 

Fear of commitment -- yes, I used to believe in it because I dated two men that gave me the speech and they ended up with someone else. It may be true, it may really exist but you don't sit around and try and cajole or talk him out of his issues. And there are men out there that use the "commitment" excuse because they're too afraid to tell you that you aren't what they want.

Edited by Zahara
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I am answering based on my own experience.

 

I think he loves the chase, the challenge of getting you back. you said this has happened before, he must be thinking he can get you back anytime. I'd say go no contact until he reaches out to you. If he does, be very careful and listen to what he says so that you can determine what are his motives in reaching out. And make him work for it too. He's the one who has the problem so he's the one who should earn your attention.

 

trust me on this, that no matter what, you were a part of his life and he will be curious as what you are up to. use this time to get a hobby and treat this situation as if he's never coming back. HE WILL CONTACT YOU. I have a lot of male friends, and some of them I know for more than 17 years, and they always tell me how they reach out to their ex when they go silent. Hell, I do that too, if may add.

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BeautyPrincess

@zahara sorry I probably didn't make it clear enough. We were going on the trip with his friends. I saw on fb that he is taking another friend in my place and asked him about it. He apologised and said he thought he'd mentioned it to me (which he hadn't), apologised some more and paid me my share back. But then he deleted me on fb. It sounds so petty to say it upset me!

 

@mav3rik I know you're right! I already know how he's feeling. He's told me he feels horrible, he's struggling, it's all s*** and he misses me so much every single day. Which is why I can't understand what's going on. I can understand because I suffer from anxiety, so know that when u feel nervous/anxious about something, the easiest thing to do is avoid it. But in my opinion, if he felt that bad at the time, then he should feel better/happier now it's over, but I'm getting the impression that's not the case? Who knows!

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@zahara sorry I probably didn't make it clear enough. We were going on the trip with his friends. I saw on fb that he is taking another friend in my place and asked him about it. He apologised and said he thought he'd mentioned it to me (which he hadn't), apologised some more and paid me my share back. But then he deleted me on fb. It sounds so petty to say it upset me!

 

So, while you're on a forum in pain about the ending, he's already found someone to take your place for this vacation? And then he blocks you on FB because he doesn't want you to have access into what he's doing?

 

Is this the same guy that ended with you twice -- the one you posted about last year?

 

"He's told me he feels horrible, he's struggling, it's all s*** and he misses me so much every single day."

 

If I had a dollar for everytime a dumper used that line.

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@itspointless mmm I think that's what happened, it's all about the future for him and assuming it wouldn't work, but a few weeks before he was wanting to know if we were going to move in together?! He told me when he finished it that he knew it was his issues and that commitment scares him. He's so good at giving advice, but can't take it, he admitted that. But to me we were committed for 1.5yrs anyway, what's the difference?!

The difference is that things suddenly can get real for people, sometimes because stress gets in the way. It causes people to turn back to primary behaviour and for example feeling suffocated. It causes a fight or flight reflex as it is called.

 

As he has done it before it doesn't sound like he is willing to invest more than those lame excuses. I don't know him, so I do not know what it exactly is what causes this with him, but it looks like he is fleeing away for the truth. Seems to me also why he deleted you on Facebook.

 

He can very well miss you, but that does not mean that it turns the balance to feeling not suffocated with you.

 

I hope you find the strength to move on from him.

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Have ever experienced dumping someone that you are not really interested in? but because they treated you good that you find it so hard to hurt them? what do you usually do in that case OP?

 

If it was me, I'd remove that person from fb to prevent further damage and drama. Sure I can arrange one of my buddies to pose for a picture to make it look like he's your replacement... just to wash my hands clean. Then delete you from FB once I'm there with the real replacement..

 

It's a possibility.. but whatever he does should not concern you at this point OP.

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That is it isn't it? Some people pull the plug themselves as (un)consiously they believe the situation is to good to be true. They sabotage their relationships to fulfil the self-fulfilling prophecy, as they are afraid to be hurt. Have I experienced that treatment, yes I have. Can we do something? Well you can perhaps, if he recognizes it as a problem himself. If he does than perhaps he wants to work on it in therapy. If not, well than you best can say goodbye to him, as we can't change people and patterns that probably have been formed in early childhood.

 

I can agree with this. ItsPointless and I have discussed this.

 

 

I'm in the same boat as you OP. Literally the EXACT same thing. Broke up once, she came back 3 months later. A fantastic 8 months together, then fear of commitment when her bff got engaged. Reach out to me if you'd like. Perhaps I can lend some assistance. Or, Search for my thread.

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Did they break up with u? And all used the same reasons?

 

Only 2 of them BU with me but they both came back after a period of time and one of those exes never stays away.

 

The reason they gave me is because we fought a lot. (ya because they weren't good boyfriends...they were immature.) The real reason is because they grew up without fathers and are extreme mama's boys who were scared to commit.

 

I'm not perfect and I made mistakes too but no where near as detrimental to the RSs as they did. Not even close.

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BeautyPrincess
Only 2 of them BU with me but they both came back after a period of time and one of those exes never stays away.

 

The reason they gave me is because we fought a lot. (ya because they weren't good boyfriends...they were immature.) The real reason is because they grew up without fathers and are extreme mama's boys who were scared to commit.

 

I'm not perfect and I made mistakes too but no where near as detrimental to the RSs as they did. Not even close.

 

Wowwwww that sounds like my ex last time! 'We argue too much' errrrrrr no we didn't! We didn't ever argue really! Then when we met up a couple of months later his real reasons were being scared of future, of getting hurt etc, not wanting to turn into his biological father, who he grew up without btw! He did have a father growing up though, although not biological. I don't know if he's told him mum yet but I know that she would go absolutely nuts at him!

 

Mmm I mean nobody is perfect and people get things wrong, but I don't think I've ever done anything but try to love him!

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I think there are some people who are commitment phobes. However, I think that the vast majority of people do want to commit if they find the right person. So I think that most people simply don't want to commit to a specific person when they decide to leave someone. Some people seem attracted to these so-called commitment phobes because it presents a challenge. I think I have some of that tendency. I think I wanted it that way on some subconscious level. I always went for the guys who presented a challenge to me because I wanted to be the one to make them change. Basically, I wanted to make them commit.

 

For you, it doesn't matter either way. The only thing that matters is that this guy is not interested in a commitment, no matter what he has said in the past. I wasted years of my life on men who were unworthy and who weren't going to commit. It doesn't really matter if these people were commitment phobes or if they just didn't want to commit to me. There is certainly no way to know, so the best thing is to cut your losses and move on.

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crazybestie101
Thing is, I didn't fully realize how perfect she was until I got into a series of horrible relationships. It took me 2 years to call her up and say I am sorry and how thick faced I was to be calling her up.

 

She's married now and lives and Germany and after 4 years I am still blocked from her fb. (Yes, I still search for her form time to time, to no avail)

 

When I broke up with her, it was out of blue, a sudden blow. I bet she was as confused as you are now. And I have recently been dumped the same way.. so I wouldn't have understood that feeling until it happened to me.

 

Know this, if he ever meant anything about you being great and perfect and all. Down the line, there will be a big possibility he will regret leaving you. Focus on healing yourself and fill the void that he left. Understand that some people just needs to learn things the hard way. Maybe he needs to experience that to know how valuable you really are.

 

Great post, agree with you. My ex bf just acted like you. After one year he reached out to me indirectly. He still doesn't have guts to make direct contact. Guess what i am never gonna give him my attention. People like him need some life lesson , guess he needs to learn it hard way.

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In regards to your thread question, is there such thing as a fear of commitment? Yes. Absolutely. I can say that as of right now, I'm probably the biggest commitment phobe on the planet.

 

In regards to YOUR situation, I'm going to go with, no. This is not "fear of commitment."

 

From what I see here, and from what I've experienced personally, I'd say your situation is: "Fear of missing out."

 

Literally everything you've written here about your ex, may very well be talking about MY ex. My ex gave me the same speeches, said literally the exact same things, word for word.

 

He broke up with me and was sobbing. Telling me he loved me still, but he wasn't sure where he was at in life, and he needed to be single, not dating anyone, to sort out his problems, he had no idea where his career was going, he was in a rut in life. He said how he saw us being together again, and that I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose me, but for right now it wasn't fair for him to be going through all this and dragging me along for that ride.

 

I believed all of this. He had me hook, line, sinker.

 

So for 5 weeks I did what you're doing: I Googled everything I could about "will he come back to me?" "how to get your ex back" etc etc. I gave him 5 weeks of space so I didn't put any more pressure on him, I didn't reach out once.

 

After 5 weeks, I did reach out via text. He called me back and I had so much hope! He sounded so glad to hear from me, that he missed me. But that was the end of it. We didn't speak after that. A week later what do I find out? He was dating someone else, and HAD been.

 

All of that BS that came out of his mouth as he was dumping me? None of it was true. He wasn't scared of commitment, he wasn't fearful of the future. He met someone else. Plain and simple. He dumped me so he could explore things with her, get to know her etc.

 

Literally the day after I found out he was seeing this girl, he texts me. And he went from, "I still love you so much, you're my best friend..." to "Sell all the jewelry I ever bought for you, there is no 'us.' Sorry, it was my fault for making you think there still was. Lose my number and have a nice life."

 

I had done NOTHING to receive that reaction. What really happened was, dating this girl had taken off. He finally took me off the back burner because things were seemingly working out with her. 30 days later, they were done. :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

In any case, I saw his true colors. The guy who claimed to love and care for me so much turned cruel, cold, nasty, and into an arrogant piece of s.hit.

 

So, it wasn't as though he was scared of commitment. He just was fearful of commitment with ME and thought he could probably do better, he was interested in seeing what other girls were out there, and he wanted to be single so he could test these waters and see what other relationships he could have.

 

I see that in your guy. He dumps you, and immediately replaces you with someone else. Following that, he deletes you so you can't see what he's doing. Why? He doesn't want you knowing what he's doing.

 

Also, of course he misses you. It's normal. Missing you, however, does not equate to wanting you back. You had a relationship together, you have memories, you had routines, there was an emotional connection. It's very hard for people to just go cold turkey and never speak to someone they used to love ever again. There's a detaching period... and that's why he's breadcrumbing you the way he is.

 

You need to STOP talking to him. You need to STOP letting him tell you how much he misses you. If he missed you as much as he's claiming to, you wouldn't be the ex. You wouldn't have been replaced on this vacation. You wouldn't have been deleted on FB.

 

In my situation, the girl my ex started seeing right after dumping me wasn't a fit for him, but the NEXT girl was. I was with my ex for almost 3 years, and he would NEVER have a direct conversation regarding taking it to the next step. He'd make comments like, "Oh, if and when..." or "One day we'll be engaged..." and If I made any comments he'd completely detach and be like... you're pressuring me.

 

We also never fought at all. Literally, as a couple we NEVER argued. The only problems we had were regarding his group of female friends who were completely disrespectful to me, and of our relationship. And when he ended it one reason was, "we fight too much." And I was like, no. We literally don't. Ever. If we have something come up, it's like once a month, IF that, and it always involves your drama seeking friends. I said the same things you're saying. "All relationships have issues, we never fight, all I did was try to love him the best I could." Blah blah blah.

 

It's all bulls.hit.

 

And the LAST update, he got a new girlfriend about 8 months after he dumped me. He moved in with her after a few months, and was engaged to her after under a year together.

 

So my ex was never "scared of commitment." I just wasn't the right woman. I spent 3 years with him hoping he'd finally come around, that he'd make good on his promises. Never happened. But when the right girl DID come around, he slapped a ring on it so freaking fast.

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