Ex gf cheated on me - has the perspective I should win her back?!

[Mark12345q]

Sorry for the long post but here's a little background to get the whole story. so I had been with my gf for just under 4 years, she was my perfect girl, intelligent & beautiful and We were amazingly happy together (or so I thought). We had literally just put down a deposit for a holiday in october, just bought a new sofa and carpet for our house and I was saving for an engagement ring (which she'd spent the last 2 years prompting me to do.)

 

We both worked in the same field however at different companies. In June this year she was promoted to a new company and I was asked to take up her old job which I accepted. This new company also mentioned they will pay for her to attend uni with her new boss who will be doing the course with her. I am really happy for her.

 

However, her new boss for the 2 weeks leading up to her start date started bombarding her with texts/emails at all times of the day. This caused a lot of tension and we started arguing quite frequently about it. I didn't think it was appropriate that this person should text her so persistently out of work hours and her argument was I was being too possessive and he was just being friendly.

 

Anyway, she starts work and for the next 2 weeks she cannot stop talking about how much she loves her new job, which I tell her im absolutely over the moon for her and really encouraged her to get involved with as much work as she can if she loves it that much. Well her new boss leaves the company at this point and she tells me she is starting to struggle at work, and for the next 2 weeks she doesn’t return home until 2-3 hours later than she normally does. The problem for me was she then started to become distant, adding a new lock to her phone, hiding her phone when messages come through and taking her phone everywhere with her. She had never done this before so I knew something didn't sit right and installed the findmyiphone app which details locations etc. I just thought id put it to the test and see what the outcome would be, if she was telling the truth id remove it. So the following day she tells me shes working late and I decide to check - Turns out shes 4 miles away from her work. I call her and ask her where she is and she tells me shes at work and not to bother her. At that point I tell her I know where she is and she hangs up. I go completely mental!!!! I lose it a bit here as I try hunting her down and catching her in the act but I have no luck. In the meantime I text her asking her who she’s seeing, where she is and what the hell is going on. no response and now she turns off her phone. She finally returns to her mom and dads 4 hours later who tell me she doesn’t want to talk to me and that I should leave her be for now.

 

For the next 2 days I hear nothing then she then tells me she wants to meet so we can talk. She arranges to meet up with me the following day with the intention to break up with me (unbeknown to me) so it hits like a nail when I hear her words. At that point I grab her phone and run off. I read through her messages and it turns out she had been seeing this guy for the last 2 weeks and she had planned all this with her new Boss!!! What’s worse is he is married with a child and his wife is 5 months pregnant with another child!! I call up his wife using a friends contact to tell her of the situation and he’s already managed to work his way out of it all with her so they can stay together and she tells me im making things up and to leave her alone. I don’t contact her again.

 

Anyway, we break up of course but then I did the stupid thing and tried to beg her back (I know its Worst thing I should’ve done but I’d never dealt with anything like this before, she was my world!) and she turns me down saying she wasn't happy for the last year, she wants to be treated like a princess and if I really want her I should try and win her back but would still want to stay as ‘friends’ either way, she still denies she actually did anything with this guy.

 

Well I (stupidly) spend the next 2 days trying to win her back, no luck though, so I decide I need to move on. 3 weeks later I end up meeting an amazing girl which turns into something physical. She really is awesome and is aware of the situation that happened before her so is being supportive. Things are starting to move on great and another 6 weeks pass and we are now a couple. However, I am told by my friends that for the first 6 weeks after we broke up my ex had been showing this guy off to my friends and parading him around like they are a new couple and still see each other, this hits me like a truck. I Ignore it and carry on, the next day somehow she finds out I have a new girlfriend and starts texting me ‘how could you move on so quickly’ etc… (the nerve!!). I ignore her again but she sends a text asking to talk but also said something within which made me react, I shouldn’t have I know but I did. I basically send a HUGE text detailing all the lies she told me, the fact she cheated, is still lying to me since we split and generally how horrible she treated me. She sends one reply to me denying that she is with this guy and wants to talk again. She tells me she wont tell my by text and wants to do it face to face and that if I really wanted her back I shouldve proved my love and tried to win her back… that was received today. Now I kinda know she will use this ‘talk just to try and imply we broke up because she was unhappy and that it wasn’t due to this guy so Ive ignored her text so far.

 

I know she’s poison but what should I do? Do I ignore her for all time? In your opinion would you take her back if she tried to rekindle? should I tell his wife that he is still cheating?

 

Part of me still loves her, I mean I was saving to propose to her! but the other part of me detests her for what she did and It would be qlmost impossible for me to forgive and forget, especially if he is going to be at the same uni as her for the next 2 years! Plus it seems like she's happy to be naive to his bull**** about how they will be happy together but is basically being his 'mistress'.

 

What would you do? Advice please?

[tikay00]

Bread crumbs, leading you on, blah blah blah........moral of the story, NC.

[Zahara]

I Ignore it and carry on, the next day somehow she finds out I have a new girlfriend and starts texting me ‘how could you move on so quickly’ etc… (the nerve!!).

 

Cheaters are selfish and entitled. It's no surprise that she's turned it all on you and is now playing the victim. The fact that she is not even remorseful is a huge sign to you.

 

if I really wanted her back I shouldve proved my love and tried to win her back… that was received today. Now I kinda know she will use this ‘talk just to try and imply we broke up because she was unhappy and that it wasn’t due to this guy so Ive ignored her text so far.

 

Of course, it was your fault she cheated. She was so unhappy that she couldn't tell you how she felt during the relationship so she decided to cheat. Only a manipulative person would say that and only a moron would fall for it.

 

I know she’s poison but what should I do?

 

You're even asking? Block. NC. Done. Over. She's manipulative and conniving. You use the word "poison" and yet you ask.

 

Do I ignore her for all time?

 

Yes, block her. I'm sorry but you need to stop being a doormat. This woman has consistently lied to you, then manipulated you and is now gaslighting you and you're asking if you should ignore her?

 

 

In your opinion would you take her back if she tried to rekindle? should I tell his wife that he is still cheating?

 

No. What would make you want to go back to that? Forget the wife. She seems as equally fogged up as you are.

 

I understand you still love her and that you were about to propose but thank your lucky stars this didn't happen after you marrying her. You dodged a bullet.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Zahara

[Mark12345q]

I guess it's more of my age that I contemplated getting her back. I'm 32 and was looking for 'the one' and went through a lot of relationships before her so I guess I thought she would be it.

 

Also I'm scared it's the last chance for my to have a family before I get too old to have kids!

 

I guess there's 3 reasons why I can't quite comprehend her actions:

1. why she thinks I should chase her?

2. Why she is happy being a mistress?

3. Why she's so naive to believe this guy?

 

That's why I thought there might be a chance

[Chi townD]

Dude, it sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders and you're seeing through the BS.

 

 

First off, she told you that you have to "win" her back? That kinda made me laugh. She also wanted you to treat her like a "princess"? Okay, to me, that sounds like you've put her on a pedestal and that's the worst place to place a girl. MOST girls don't want to be placed on a pedestal at all. When they're on a pedestal, sooner or later, they realize that they're looking down on you and that's when they step on you; lose respect for you. Most girls want to be by your side. Your partner; your equal walking hand and hand; and side by side through this world.

 

 

Now, if your Ex wants you to "win" her back and treat her like a princess and this new girl wants to be by your side and your partner, where do you think your bread is going to get buttered?

 

 

And lets not forget that you caught her cheating on you. You saw the proof of it in her phone. You caught her out with him and she lied to your face about it. When you called her out on it, she ran to mom and dad like a kid that just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Doesn't sound like someone that is innocent and would immediately protest her innocence's to you, does it! Now, your friends state that she's parading this guy around and proud to be on his arm; and yet, she insist to continue to lie to you.

 

 

She got mad at the fact that you've moved on and started dating. Crazy right? Not in her mind. She knows she's currently in a relationship that probably isn't going anywhere. I mean, come on! He married with kids. That relationship isn't going to last; however, she's having fun right now. And when that relationship dies, she THOUGHT that she would have you still pining for her and waiting on the sidelines.

 

 

I think you already know the answer to this. But, I think it's time to move on. Heal from this. Make positive changes in your life. Let this one go!

[Ducky71]

The answers to all your questions are right there in your original post.

 

Drop her like a bad habit.

[Zahara]

I guess it's more of my age that I contemplated getting her back. I'm 32 and was looking for 'the one' and went through a lot of relationships before her so I guess I thought she would be it.

 

C'mon, OP. That's a lame excuse. Are you telling me that just because you're 32 and you're in some kind of rush to find a partner that you'd settle for a woman that cheats on you?

 

Also I'm scared it's the last chance for my to have a family before I get too old to have kids!

 

Of course, that would be a good reason to just settle for anyone. My gf married a a man that cheated on her because she had the same mindset. Guess what, a marriage and two babies later -- she's miserable because he's in an affair. I'd rather be alone than deal with that.

 

II guess there's 3 reasons why I can't quite comprehend her actions:

1. why she thinks I should chase her?

2. Why she is happy being a mistress?

3. Why she's so naive to believe this guy?

 

1. Because you've chased her before regardless of her cheating -- you took her back twice. She knows she has control over you and you're weak for her.

 

2. Who knows. Nothing you should be pondering about because you can't get in her mind.

 

3. #2

[Mark12345q]

You're all spot on. I was aware of actions I should take but it's hard taking that perspective from inside the box rather than outside. Especially as this is the first time I've had this sort of scenario, and I'm having to work in her old role. Constant reminders of her wherever I go has made it all te more difficult to see clearly!

 

Especially given I'm still going through the process of buying her out of her share of the house which means I unfortunately had to remain in contact with her.

 

Thank you all for the advice! It really is appreciated. I've blocked everything from her and spoken to her dad who has agreed to deal on her behalf and save me contacting.

[Zahara]

Good for you. Keep pushing forward. You have a great woman that you're currently dating. Don't let this tarnish what you have with her.

[Quiet Storm]

You dodged a bullet.

 

I know all this drama and change in your life is stressing you out, but really, you are lucky.

 

You have seen her true colors and do not have to spend another day with her!

 

The poor guy's wife, who he has kids with, is the one with the real problems. She is married to a liar and a cheat. The man she chose to father her babies is putting their stability and well being at risk like it's nothing! If they had sex without protection, her husband put her health and their unborn baby at risk. And your ex finds this guy attractive. What a guy!

 

The fact that your ex participated in that- it shows what kind of person she is. Not only did she betray you, but she had no problems participating in an affair. That one action alone exposes her character issues, because even though he would've found someone else to cheat with, she is the one that signed up!

 

At least you can leave easily and don't have little kids to consider. Four years is a big part of your life to let go of, but it could be a lot worse.

 

As for her sense of entitlement, it's just another manifestation of her character issues. Trust me it's all games.... if she really thought she was that special, she wouldn't have picked a married guy.

 

The superior attitude, the game playing, manipulating... if she was truly worthy and knew it, none of that would be necessary.

 

Fill your life with positive people, and don't give her any attention. You will be OK. You will grieve the loss, and come out on the other side realizing that what you lost was just an illusion. You lost what you THOUGHT she was. But in reality, you only lost someone that would've created a lot of problems down the road, and even more heartache and drama for you.

 

And don't blame yourself. Her choice to lie and cheat has nothing to do with you, or what you did or did not do in the relationship. If she wasn't happy, she could've talked to you, suggested couples counseling, broken up with you... but she chose to lie & cheat. And that just shows that in spite of her intelligence, beauty and perfection- she is weak, sneaky and a conflict avoider. You are better off, even if you don't feel it yet.

[Mark12345q]

These responses are awesome and exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you all!

 

It is hard to accept, especially as it's been 4years. Having to cut someone out of you life is difficult but I know I need to do it.

 

Do you think it would be possible to be friends in future? Would you ever allow someone like this to be part of your life again?

[Zahara]

Do you think it would be possible to be friends in future?

 

Why would you want to be friends with someone that treated you this way -- regardless of the relationship you had in the past? Unless your definition of a "friend" is someone that hurts and betrays you -- don't focus on these thoughts because you fear those feelings of letting go. It's not realistic.

 

Would you ever allow someone like this to be part of your life again?

 

Don't you have enough friends in your life that care and love you for you to want someone like this in your life? And no, I would not allow it.

[mammasita]

I don't even need to read your post, guess what - I didn't. Just from your title I can tell you she's a narcissist. As was my ex, He cheated on me and thought I should try to win him back also. What a crock of ****.

 

Do yourself a favor. DON'T.

[Ducky71]

These responses are awesome and exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you all!

 

It is hard to accept, especially as it's been 4years. Having to cut someone out of you life is difficult but I know I need to do it.

 

Do you think it would be possible to be friends in future? Would you ever allow someone like this to be part of your life again?

 

That sentence right there tells me you're making sound decisions.

 

 

Letting go is often more painful than enduring the heartbreak of being betrayed but in the long run, you're MUCH better off.

 

 

The right decision is rarely the easy one...

[Mark12345q]

I hate her for the things she did, so Why am I still pining for her?

 

Just reading this all back makes me so angry, especially to think she clearly planned all this only in the space of 2-3 weeks...

[Simon Phoenix]

If you actually try to win this woman back after she cheated on you, or try to be her friend, you're a chump. Don't be a chump. Don't be that weakwilled cuckold.

[Quiet Storm]

I hate her for the things she did, so Why am I still pining for her?

 

Just reading this all back makes me so angry, especially to think she clearly planned all this only in the space of 2-3 weeks...

 

 

While you intellectually know its over and that she is not a good GF for you, your emotions will take a lot longer to resolve themselves. And that's OK. You have been emotionally invested in her for four years, and that just doesn't go away.

 

There are two sides of us- the emotional, feelings, hoping, wishing, crying and angry side. And the logical, intellectual, pragmatic, realistic side.

 

For awhile, the logical part of your mind is going to have to reign in the emotional part of your mind. So when you think "How could she do this to us, I loved her so much?" (a thought driven by your emotions), allow your logic to override that thought with something like "She isn't who I thought she was" or "It will never work, I can never trust her now."

 

Your heart & your mind are playing tug of war. Since your heart cannot be trusted to make smart choices, you have to babysit the emotional part of you.

 

It will take time to get over this. Accept your emotions as normal- it's OK to cry or beat on a heavy bag. Just don't allow those emotions to drive your actions or choices (in other words, cry in private but don't call her, write long emails to her, respond to her etc.)

[Zahara]

I hate her for the things she did, so Why am I still pining for her?

 

It's because you have an emotional attachment to her. That doesn't just go away after someone hurts you.

[LifeNomad]

hi everyone I would like to chime in and to OP as well, im in same situation, after 13 yrs, 3 kids, she left, was flirting and texting her boss, had guys hitting on her, and generally wanted that life of going out with her friends to drink and what not

 

 

I made mistakes too, im not perfect...

 

but now that she left, shes told me she wants me to win her back, to fight for her, to show her, has told me im on the same playing field as everyuone else, and it hurts, and at times ive contemplated, to try and win her back, almost took her flower to her work, but I stopped myself, anyways everyone these are words of encouragement to me as well, as I sometimes feel lost and her words still have value and influence over me, so when she tells me these things I sometimes believe her to be true..

[Natsu21]

OP, it happened to me, let me tell you what I did.

 

I caught her...with this guy, that she had lied to me for months about. When I caught her, she said that "things change" and didn't have a drop of remorse.

 

She said I should try to win her back, and I did, stupidly, for 4 months. My head was telling me she was terrible for me, but after spending 3 years with her, my heart was telling me that she's going through a lot and that I should continue to pursue her.

 

Truth was, I put my ex on a pedestal when in reality, she was far, far from the woman I expected. Once I took her off I realize that she was a chronic liar. I didn't see it till she started doing it to me.

 

It'll take some time and it's going to hurt, but stay away from her. Listen to your mind. Nothing's going to be easy from the next few weeks, but you'll thank yourself later.

[BC1980]

While you intellectually know its over and that she is not a good GF for you, your emotions will take a lot longer to resolve themselves. And that's OK. You have been emotionally invested in her for four years, and that just doesn't go away.

 

There are two sides of us- the emotional, feelings, hoping, wishing, crying and angry side. And the logical, intellectual, pragmatic, realistic side.

 

For awhile, the logical part of your mind is going to have to reign in the emotional part of your mind. So when you think "How could she do this to us, I loved her so much?" (a thought driven by your emotions), allow your logic to override that thought with something like "She isn't who I thought she was" or "It will never work, I can never trust her now."

 

Your heart & your mind are playing tug of war. Since your heart cannot be trusted to make smart choices, you have to babysit the emotional part of you.

 

It will take time to get over this. Accept your emotions as normal- it's OK to cry or beat on a heavy bag. Just don't allow those emotions to drive your actions or choices (in other words, cry in private but don't call her, write long emails to her, respond to her etc.)

 

This is really good advice, and a lot of people don't understand this until they have been in your shoes. I remember family and friends asking how I could still love my ex and why I would have gone back to him at the drop of a hat. The truth is that I didn't understand it either, but, just because someone wrongs you, you don't automatically hate them and are absolved of any residual feelings. You had four years to build up good memories and an emotional attachment to her. Right now, those four years are taking precedence over the actual facts of the situation because you are still in shock. You can't comprehend how this person you knew for four years could now be a person that cheated on you.

 

When I would get nostalgic and remember my ex, I would have to remind myself that I was missing certain parts of him. I was missing the good parts and the good memories, and that is okay to do. That is a normal part of the grieving process. However, you must make an effort to temper the nostalgia with an acceptance of the negative, the reality of what she did to you. It's a complicated process that can be tricky to navigate because the majority of people are not all bad or all good. We tend to want to categorize people as good or bad, but it's not usually so simple.

 

No matter the good memories or her good qualities, she did something fundamentally incompatible with a healthy relationship. You have to weigh her actions with the whole of the relationship unfortunately.

[hoping2heal]

If I were you...

 

I would cry and feel crappy for awhile and mourn the fact that the person who I thought I was going to marry turned out to be a selfish a-hole, and how sad that is. Cause really, it is sad.

 

But, her behavior was pretty rotten and she has no remorse. She seems to think that because she was bored, it was somehow okay to cheat. I could never trust someone like that and why would I, or why should you?

[AieshaR]

Do not get back with her whatever you do! Never ever get back with someone who cheated on you and when she finds out you have another girl she has the audacity to message you?! No way, don't even respond to her. It's her loss, it's her mistake and she has to now live with that regret. Don't call the wife, it's not your place anymore. It's the wife's stupidity in not believing you and hopefully one day she will find out herself.

 

You can do so much better! There was a reason for all of this and I think you have dodged a bullet big time!

 

Good luck

[mr_dave]

I had exactly the same thing happen to me. My only ever girlfriend (of 3.5 years) cheated on me with another guy, as I was planning to propose to her. I got months of "he's just a friend, he's just a friend" but I found out eventually.

 

I don't know what came over me but when she was lying to me and telling me she was "at a pub with friends" I went to extraordinary lengths to catch her out in her lies. Like cycling 5 miles in 15 minutes to discover she wasn't at that pub, or waiting outside her work to see her leaving with that guy!

I just had to know.

 

Your feelings are perfectly understandable, she was my princess too and I tried to win her back for the first couple of months, and convince her that we were right together. However, I realised it would be wrong for us to be together so I told her not to contact me anymore.

It was only shortly after then that she said she wanted me back, she sent me a 4 page letter, I have it stored somewhere...

However the thought thought of being with her again gave me a sinking feeling to the pit of my stomach, I knew things would never be the same again.

 

It sounds like you have a great girl now OP, give her a fair chance.

I wish I could have met a lovely lady after three weeks, two years later and I'm still alone!

[Mark12345q]

Wow thanks for the advice guys! You're all so right, and the fact that nobody on here even contemplated the thought of winning her back or attempting to be friends helps me recognise she did a really ****ty thing and that I should remove her from my life for good!!

 

I have a feeling she would try to contact me in a few months or even a year or so. Any advice for handling that situation? I don't know if I would ever see her in a positive way but should I still be angry if I bump into her again?